The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: Vader vs. Bane

21 Aug

First up, I’mma say two things: this business of having TWO episodes a week on consecutive nights is accelerating the aging process at a rate I am not OK with. Because I am attempting to maintain a social life after 30 (true story) I sometimes miss parts of episodes and have to re-watch via streaming. Which is time-consuming. Srzly. The internets need to start paying me.

Second of all: BECAUSE of aforementioned programming, the resulting eps are becoming more and more uninteresting and formal. Like, Blake just seems to take a bitch out on a date, thank her for shit he’s not sure she even did, hands her a business card then heads to the studio to start his Love Song Dedications shift.  I’m bored already.

Yes I’m whinging. But I’m 30 now. I have furrow lines and a seniors card so I’m allowed. Whatever, on with proceedings…

TONIGHT’S EPISODE

Evidently Osher was held back at his cross fit session this week, because he is once again not there to dish out the individual date. But what is also evident is that Laurina’s eyebrows went to Maths class with Osher because she explains something something 4 out of 10 which means 25% chance. Because maths.

And because she aced the pop quiz, she gets the individual date and the other bitches are saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah annoyed. I know this because the producers have taken to playing Bane’s theme music from Batman every time she’s mentioned. (I’m not even joking; close your eyes and listen to those dulcet tones.)

 

kinopoisk.ru

Everyone hates you, Laurina

This is actually top news for me because I have been aching for the episode where Vader and Bane would spend quality time together.

Vader comments that Laurina is only wearing her sneakers and jeans but is still “rocking it”. Look, I don’t wanna say I told you so, but straight men don’t talk like that. Jussayin.

Because the future of Gotham depends on it, Vader has decided to push Laurina out of a plane take her skydiving.

He explains in his uniquely spontaneous way that he is deathly scared of heights, and Laurina’s strength has inspired him to overcome this. In other words, she has bigger balls than he does and he’s hoping they will be there to cushion his fall. Sounds legit. While he reads off the autocue about “big black clouds” and “rain pouring down”, we are treated to lovely shots of a pink/grey sunset and gentle droplets of rain on a pond. Terrifying.

Unfortunately, Vader isn’t allowed to fly the plane they go up in; but guys, he’s wearing a rugged leather jacket, so we know he means business! In a fit of spite, he jumps out of said plane with Bane right behind him. And I just can’t even.

While trying to stop her face from peeling off of her skull, Laurina inadvertently shows us that she has more mouth skin than a bloodhound. “NO! NOT MY FACE!” she cries, as she hurtles towards earth with only her enormous jowls to soften the impact.

Luckily, her instructor has packed an actual parachute, and she makes inappropriate sex noises as they start the much gentler decent to ground. BUT DER-RAMA! Her hair has come loose in the process of plummeting downwards at 240km/hour. So she f&*#ing re-dids it then and there! Because priorities. Her ponytail is getting right up in her instructor’s grill as he is trying to navigate them safely to the ground and you can practically sense his urge to just cut her loose. Babe, no one would blame you.

Once landed, Laurina keeps saying “traumatized” and hugs Vader a lot, but really just seems relieved that her eyelids are still in the same place.

Meanwhile, at the mansion Spotlight built, Osher FINALLY shows up to set and tells the other bitches they are going to hang out at a kindergarten for the group date. Because ovaries.

After their traumatic experience, Richard Mercer takes Bane to the The Block apartments his “Bachelor Pad” for some fancy tapas and possible eyeing of the tiger. Obvi, this isn’t Blake’s ACTUAL house because he looks superbly unsure of where he is going, particularly after Shelley Craft has just been in with her team to jazz it up with everything from Kmart Home. But Laurina is super impressed because she is elongating vowels all over the place!

“Oh my gaaaaaaaaaawwd! It’s gawgeeerrss! Thank yoouuuuuui so muuuuuuuuuuch!”

In return, Vader decides to make her EXpresso martinis. *face palm*

They get ploughed with vodka and EXpresso and she gets a rose. Boring.

But then she returns to the Red Room of Pain to tell all the other bitches about her traumatic experience. The girls are pretty sure the date would have been shit, but are caught off guard when Bane starts laugh-crying like a champ. For realz, she puts Tyra Banks to shame. She keeps saying trauma again and then likens her jowl- flapping experience with that of Passion of the Christ.

No.

The bitches do their best acting, trying to seem concerned for Bane’s face, but are not-so-secretly dying inside. Luckily, the group date commences and everyone is happily passive aggressive again.

The ladies show up at a local kindergarten while Vader is busying himself doing weight training with children strapped to his arms. Also, Vader talking to all these children in his baritone has inspired my new nickname for him: Mufasa.

 The bitches are saaaah happy because they all love children and they need to show Mufasa that they have the maternal instinct. Cue lots and lots of face painting, squealing and tea parties. Oh and then the kids showed up. (I’m very good at jokes.)

Canadian Horse Whisperer is just hating on errybody today, especially Jess/Elsa who she believes is inappropriately muscling in on her quality time in the sand pit. So as punishment, at story time, CHW pretends she has a magic Disappearing Potion and disappears Jess/Elsa out of the way. At this moment, despite her never-failing smile, Jess/Elsa is wishing she had a pack of magically appearing horses to allery that Canadian bitch to Hell.

Blake’s Craydar is picking all of this up and he is not having a bar of it. In his to-camera bit, he forlornly asks, “Can’t everybody just get along? Is that too much to ask?”

Yah. Yeah it is, mate. THIS IS THE HUNGER GAMES! These bitches would tear each others’ fallopian tubes out with their teeth, given the chance.

After the face paint and immaturity has been washed off, they all get their babs out for the cocktail party and, turns out, Chantal has taken it upon herself to be Osher’s 2IC. She busies herself explaining things and asking the other bitches personal questions. This is all fine until the surviving curly-haired girl from last week, Zoe, is mentioned. Chantal is v v unimpressed that Zoe is not falling over her Spumanti to marry Blake right away. I mean, WHAT. A. PSYCHO.

Chantal’s fears are unwarranted, however, because Zoe gets a rose. Evidently, Mufasa saw enough of the inside of Zoe’s walls to keep her around. And he’s getting sick of all these straight-haired women. Alana, on the other hand, gets the boot. I mean, she didn’t get ANY paint on her face on the group date. How could she?!

Soz Alana. See you on the playground.

Weeeeeee!! Post-ep teasers tell us the new intruder bitches are arriving tonight! One looks potentially cross-dresser-y. This is very good news.

dog-catching-wind

My face! Not my FACE!!!

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: