ERRRMAGERRRRD! This year’s Bachie is the gift that just keeps on giving!
It is now three (actually, probably four) whole weeks since the finale episode of Africa, Bunda rings and drama drama drama. And lucky for me, things just kept getting messier. So I thought it only fitting to do a bitchy post-finale wrap-up. Because there is nothing I like better than holding on to things for longer than I should.
Allow me, if you will, a moment to catch you up on the sticky aftermath of Blake Garvey’s journey (ifyouknowwhaddamean):
- The team went to Africa
- Day before the Finale, Channel 10 pull all media interviews with Blake and “winner”. *ALARM BELLS*
- Social media goes in to MELTDOWN. (Like, seriously, the internet broke).
- Normal Lisa goes home because she is normal.
- Blake proposes to Sam with a Bunda ring and she accepts.
- 12 hours later, it is confirmed Sam and Blake have already split.
Blake comes out of the closet with his new lover Adriano Zumbo.
- Sam posts the following on twitter:
- Rumors abound that Lisa is up the duff with Blake’s lovechild (they turn out to be untrue….BOO!)
- The Project finally confirm an interview with both Sam and Blake and receive their highest viewer ratings in years.
- Sam calls Blake a jackass and shows herself to be a bloody legend and a half. Everybody starts following her on Instagram and declaring that Blake is the worst ever. (*Can I just say, Sam, if you’re reading this: I’m really sorry for being suuuuuuch a bitch to you. I know I hung shit on you for your two-toned hair and your unfortunate Frankston roots, but it was all fun and games really. I was wrong. Let’s be lovers. You win at everything.)
I salute you, my Queen
- Everyone starts packing up their fake tan and playsuits, believing this year’s Bachie journey has sadly come to an end.
- BREAKING NEWS! A new rumor surfaces about Blake Vader and Lipstick Louise. It’s almost too good to be true…
- Praise be to Oprah, IT IS TRUE AND THEY ARE GOING TO DO A WHOLE INTERVIEW ABOUT THEIR TOTALLY REAL AND PURE LOVE WITH WOMAN’S DAY! (But also with The Project because we don’t want anyone to miss out).
And here we are.
So kids, it turns out Blake Vader just couldn’t get that delicious raspberry pavlova out of his head, because he has done a swapsie; he’s dumped Sam, flown to Thailand and declared his undying love for Lipstick Louise. Well actually, in between the finale of the show and now, Blake went to Night TAFE, graduated Literacy class, worked through his heartbreak at losing 30 potential wives and then managed to write Louise a 5-page love letter all by himself because he just cannot forget her pavlova.
Lucky for him, Louise has not been doing much else apart from sitting around crying over her wasted wife skills and the stripper who made her ride a mechanical bull for entertainment.
“I learned Afrikaan for you!“
Turns out Louise totally dug Vader’s letter and the two are now shacked up together in a white and beige palace in Thailand. As Blake so expertly explained, they wanted to escape the public scrutiny and get to know each other again in private. But not before they did an interview with Woman’s Day for a casual $50 000. No biggie.
So right now I am sitting here, racking my brains as to how to explain this whole Blake-loved-Sam-but-then-didn’t-love-Sam-but-Lisa-might-be-pregnant-but-not-and-now-Blake-loves-Louise-and-she’s-totally-fine-with-it…thing. But it is more confusing and awkward than the entire series of Homeland. Fortunately though, Blake and Louise decided that “privacy” also means doing another interview with The Project.
Cut to Monday night. Bloody Carrie Bickmore flew to Thailand for 5 sodding hours to interview The Stripper Who Couldn’t Make Up His Mind and his lucky beard/girlfriend/runner-up. As promised, they are still in the White Beige Mansion, looking very white and beige in their white and beige matching outfits.
#beige
Last time, Blake told Ms Bickmore that there was absolutely no one else in his life and that he was concentrating on mending his broken heart. WHAT. A. LIAR.
So Carrie puts the hard word on our Most Hated Bachelor and he admits that after the finale he couldn’t stop thinking about Louise and his feelings for her just kept growing until he couldn’t imagine life without her. Snore.
My guess is, he spent his first 24 hour period with Sam and realized she has a much more interesting personality than him.
The really controversial moment of the interview is when Vader tries to explain to Carrie that Sam DID know about Louise but asked him not to say anything to the public.
“Da fuuuuuck?!”
No, Blake Vader, no.
Look, to his credit, at least he’s still as terrible an actor as he was on the show.
Louise sort of just sits there looking white and beige and verrrry much the cat who got the Bachelor cream. But then we get this pearl of a question from Carrie:
“How was it for you finding out about Blake’s past, like the pictures of him being a stripper?”
“He wasn’t a stripper.” – L. Pillidge, 2014
Really?
Gosh, the truth is really coming out in this interview.
Boring, boring, many snaps of Blake and Louise kissing on the beach and Carrie leaves the happy beige couple in their Thai mansion and flies back to Melbourne to interview our favourite bachelorettes; Sam and Lisa.
I think we’ve already covered this, but Sam and Lisa are awesome and they win.
In a genius moment of television, Carrie has the girls watch the interview she has just done with Blake and Louise and films their reactions.
Gawd, it’s good.
They get to the bit where Vader tries to tell us that Sam asked him not to reveal his relationship with Louise to the public…
“That is the biggest load of shit I’ve ever heard!” – Sam
“It’s just a massive web of lies!” – Lisa
And then…..BOMBSHELL!
Lisa reveals that after the Finale, Blake actually called her to ask if she still had feelings for him?! Good God, man! Do you not know that WOMEN TALK??
Lisa explains that she was all, “…how dare you. If you wanted to choose me, you choose me. I don’t come second to anyone.” Because she is normal. God bless her.
On the the plus side, the two girls admit that the experience wasn’t a total loss because they found each other and made a lasting friendship. It’s quite beautiful really. And then WHO Magazine released this…
In your face, Richard Mercer
And my opinion?
To be quite honest, I’m just tired of looking at Blake’s stupid face.
At the end of the day, I’m sure Louise is a super lovely person, but really, they are just as beige as each other so it’s a match made in heaven. She likes baking and wearing lipstick and he likes ladies who are good wives. Now they can go and live together in their beige house with their beige yacht and their NutriBullet.
See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya.
And that’s all, folks.
Thanks again for joining me throughout the Bachelor 2014 Journey.
***POST-SCRIPT***
FYI; I will be doing a live one-woman show based on my blogs and on The Bachelor in general in the coming year. You can keep up to date with show times and cities on the Facebook page. It’s called Prick from a Rose and I promise it will be funny and filled with bitchiness and me getting drunk.
What else is exciting, is that I’ll be joining my friend Chris O for a video blog episode on reality television and all things Bachie related. He is a total doll and the resulting vid will be appearing on YouTube. Keep an eye out for it!
If you would like to contact me or send in suggestions for future blogs/rants, feel free to do so through this site. I LOVE a smart Suggestions Box.
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