Tag Archives: sam

Bachelor In Paradise Ep 10: Bad Things Are Happening & Everyone is Over It (including me)

17 Apr

Sweet Jesus, will we ever get some respite from this punishing 4-nights-a-week schedule? Honestly I think this is a purposeful hate crime on behalf of Channel 10 who have gotten wise on us mean, self-indulgent bloggers and decided to make our lives a living hell.

 

 

Does that sound real or am I just being too self-obsessed now?

Once again, I’ll come clean and admit that I am still trying to have a life and rehearse for a show which means I have not watched the entire episode, but I don’t think that’s ever mattered to you guys. Which is exactly why I like you so much. #journalism.

So today I am mad.

Mad at Luke, mad at Eden, mad at Channel 10. Everyone has gone fkd up this week and it’s very upsetting.

First of all, Channel 10, queer baiting us with the promo for potential Megan/Elora hook ups, only to realise the closest they’re going to get to this is sitting on a sun lounge together talking about Apollo is so unfair. Not that I expected you to be at the forefront of celebrating bisexual relationships on television but still. Shame on you.

Second of all, Luke, I just think I expected better. I know Sex Island is pretty much a wannabe Instagram celebrity’s heaven on earth, and I get the decision between true love and free wine is a tough one, but come on mate. Eventually your brain has GOT to take over from your penis or you’ll end up dead from electrocution after trying to stick it in a vacuum cleaner.

And lastly…Eden. Babe. I was your number one fan and cheerleader. Heck, I even contemplated straight up adding you on Facebook like one of those strange, overly familiar fan girls (I didn’t in the end in case you were wondering). But you let me down, bro.

Anyway.

Tensions are pretty damn high on Sex Island considering everyone is just on a glorified Contiki tour. Michael’s balls are bluer than the Fijian ocean, Elora and Simone are still making pissy faces at each other and everyone else is just emotionally (and literally) drunk. Megan and Jake are discussing how rock solid they are and that it would really take someone super special to come between them…

WAIT WHAT’S THIS?! ANOTHER CANADIAN MAN WE’VE NEVER HEARD OF BEFORE HAS ARRIVED TO MAYBE COME BETWEEN THEM!?

Thomas, looking every inch the internationally acclaimed model no one knows, strolls into Sex Island with the confidence of Warwick Capper walking down Cavill Ave. He manages to catch Megan’s eye and for a minute everyone’s thinking he might just have the man bun power to pull her away from Jake. Tbh, I don’t think she’s actually going to leave Jake but it was worth it just to see Jake’s arse cheeks sweat a little. (I mean, you don’t actually SEE the cheeks, but you know it’s happening).

 

At least I don’t talk through a straw.

 

Thomas asks everyone out on a date but literally no one wants to go with him. Like at all. This is worse than that time Megan went on a pity date with American Jared and now Thomas is crying and I don’t know what to do.

Michael is also very upset because he is getting no joy in to the sexy department and still feels super bad for giving Lisa his rose but also hopes that maybe Lisa secretly likes him back which is unlikely considering Lisa JUST told Luke that nothing can come between their love. Not even a pretend Socceroo. You also know she’s not interested in Michael because when he finds her to chat about his feelings, she sits the furtherest away from someone you physically can whilst still being able to hear them. But don’t worry guys, this is Logical Lisa. She lets him down gently and logically but it’s not enough for Michael who has decided to throw in the towel.

Yep, Michael has run out of ripped singlets and women and wants to go home. And then…he’s gone. No fanfare, no teary goodbyes, just…nothing. Look, I may not have flown the Michael flag or anything but even I think he deserved better.

BUT WAIT! Now Lisa wants to go and I can’t be sure whether she truly just wants to GTFO or whether the producers no longer see any worth in her and Luke now that the Michael-Lisa-Luke triangle is kaput. She casually asks Luke if he’s ready to leave and I’m not sure if she means the show or the padded beach bed they’re lying on, she’s so casual. But all of a sudden Luke is unsure of how much he’s willing to say goodbye to bottomless mimosas and just loses his shit really.

 

How will I live without my 10am daiquiri?!

 

He’s unsure if he can commit to this woman he’s spent the last three weeks falling in love with because what if he leaves paradise and some Amazonian goddess comes in and he misses his chance?! Luke isn’t stupid enough to say that out loud, but he does try to explain that he is more of a “slow burner” and things are moving so fast on this dating show he came into to find love and my eyes rolled so far back into my head I practically swallowed them. This is why over half the population is single and barren.

Lisa is all, “You don’t have to, no pressure,” but even I know this is exactly the opposite of what she means and he’d better bloody go with her.

 

Above: Lisa.

 

Okay they’re gone too now and no one really seems that upset or surprised. Fare thee well Lisa; you were too normal for this world.

(*UPDATE: Obviously, y’all know that there are now cheating rumours surrounding Luke on the outside and is anyone surprised, really?)

No time to waste because OBVIOUSLY Elora gets the next date card because we’re all here to just f*** shit up. OBVIOUSLY she takes Apollo because she has meditated and twirled her fire on it and the fire told her that she and Apollo were soul mates. Apollo doesn’t seem too convinced but that’s really none of his business if you ask Elora.

Monsoon season in Fiji is really becoming a problem because they are basically just sent to an undercover BBQ area at the back of the resort while it pisses down rain around them.

Elora presents her Apollo 4 Elora 4Eva slideshow and poor Apollo says he just wants to find someone to travel with which is literally every damn man on Tinder’s bio (srzly, if you have this on your profile delete it immediately because every funking person in Australia wants to travel and it does not make you interesting.) But I’ll forgive it of Apollo because abs. And magic tricks.

Nothing else really happens on their date apart from when they come back and everyone greets them like they’ve just returned from an epic journey around the world in a tiny sailboat.

Apollo goes straight to Simone who is at the bar like a regular person, talking about her many feelings to anyone who’ll listen. He actually tells her he missed her and f*** me how does she not just fall off her stool naked at that? Elora is verrrrrryyyy unhappy about this and goes to talk to some fire sticks about it.

It seems the Elora-Apollo romance is dead quicker than you can say, “you banged him on my couch!”

Meanwhile, Thomas is still the Ralph Wiggum of the island feeling super rejected and unsure of what he’s even doing here. As are we Thomas, as are we.

Jarrod, now a shade of red the colour spectrum has yet to incorporate, feels for the poor Canadian and organises a man date. Jarrod, Thomas, Sam and Apollo stroll along the beach by twilight, end up in a cramped milk bath in their undies and Sam puts on a Swedish accent and honestly how has Sam become the best person on television?! The bro date is most likely a ploy for producers to have Apollo shirtless again and I’m not mad about it.

 

Sorry, I’m lactose intolerant. 

 

In a final twist of der-rama, Elora discovers a letter on her pillow that is allegedly from American Jared. It’s all very SVU: Special Victims Unit with close-ups of the letter being unfolded and the unmistakable red flag of it being signed off as “American Jared.” So many twists and turns in this show, amiright?!

 

 

COCKTAIL PARTY

Elora is quite taken with the gesture and decides that maybe she has real feelings for American Jared, a man she has barely spoken two words to, but we all know that, as Kesha once sang, “It’s going down. I’m yelling timber!”

Ali being Ali praises American Jared for being so sweet with his letter writing business and he is as suitably confused as a drunk foreigner on a dating show can be.

Now erryone is confused AF because it wasn’t American Jared and apparently we have found the key to a time machine and gone back to 1998 when prank letters were a thing in Science class.

Obviously the next logical culprit is Simone because, let’s face it, she’s been extremely sweaty and angry these past few days so that makes sense.

No wait, it’s not Simone either.

It was Eden and now I am so mad and disappointed I can’t feel my face anymore.

It appears that Eden is blue-balling so hard, his excess testosterone has bubbled up and into his brain and he’s lost his damn mind. That, or he just wanted to f*** shit up before his inevitable exit tonight. Whichever mate, but not cool.

YOU’VE MADE ME LOOK THE FOOL, YO! HOW COULD YOU?! I’m going to have to go speak to a box of Shapes about this.

 

ROSE CEREMONY

I’ve fallen into a pit of despair at my apparently terrible judgement of men and kinda miss the whole thing.

Oh, except for the part where Elora gives her funking rose to Eden because she still thinks he deserves to find love gurl what you planning either you’re the most forgiving person in the damn South Pacific, or you got some revenge idea so bad and I’m almost hoping it’s the second one.

Everyone is f***ing shook, including Eden, who looks pretty damn afraid as he should.

 

Eden, you in danger, boi.

 

Poor Canadian Thomas is off the island before he even had a chance to break out the Banana Boat 30+.

 

My nose is dripping like a tap and I need to take a nap. That’s a wrap.

(That was also a rap.)

(Sorry I’m delirious.)

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The Bachelorette Season 2: Get your puppies out

7 Oct

No but seriously, guys. I feel like all you really need to know about this episode is this:

 

cam-puppies

PUPPIES!

There were funking puppies. Fifteen of them. F*ck the helicopters and champagne… all you need for romance is puppies.

And Cam.

But mainly puppies.

(For realz, is there some place you can actually go to just chill with fifteen puppies?)

i-want-to-go-to-there

But then these things also happened, but they weren’t as good as the puppies:

Cam got a single date and his tongue dug itself out of the Friendzone…

georgia-cam-kiss

No, really; it was hot AF.

can-i-get-pregnant

We were all thinking it.

Matty J (who I am slowly starting to fall in love with) also got a single date, a chance to play croquet and a kiss.

Not as hot as Cam’s, but still. Pretty good.

georgia-matty-kiss

Horizontal croquet anyone?

And then this…

shirtless-bachies

I have no idea what is happening but I like it.

Apparently they played some sort of sport. Meanwhile, the olive oil business just boomed again.

Rhys “hurt his shoulder” trying to be manly, then wrote Georgia ANOTHER funking poem.

please-stop-gif

Mate.

But then Cam whipped out his fireman’s pole  guitar and they all SANG HER A FUNKING SONG!

georgias-song

no-pants

True story.

With all the singing and the puppies, everyone (i.e. me) forgot that there was still a Rose Ceremony.

Some poor guy named Ryan was denied a rose. Seemed for the best because no one knew who he was.

ryan

New phone. Who dis?

That’s all I remember.

Someone get me a puppy.

more-shirtless-bachies

Never forget…

The Bachelorette Season 2: Mills and Dudes

23 Sep

It’s kind of hard for me to start this recap because apparently Georgia Love doesn’t do any poignant water thinking or exercise thinking. I guess she just spends her time dating dudes and taking names. Ain’t no one got time for that water crap, amiright?

 

im-busy

 

Moving on. It’s the first morning in the Mansion that Spotlight Built and is it just me or has the Tuscan Kitchen been given a quick little bro makeover? All the said bros are chillin in their casual denim and flannies chatting about their night at the cocktail partay, that is, until Osher shows up and puts all their denim dreams to shame. Funnily enough he’s got a date card and no time to stick around.

Instead, Resident Narrator Aaron does the reading-of-date-card honors and gives the single date to Jake. Remember guys, Jake gave up his seat for Lee so he is, like, some kind of Ghandi incarnate and Lady Bach’s lady parts felt tingly things when she met him.

 

ghandi

Totally would. 

 

For their date, they go to the Three Sisters/Blue Mountains or something. In other words, NATURE.  But obviously this date is going to involve doing things high up and probably dangling from these high up things. In this case, dangling from the scenic railway. Poor Jake is shitting bricks but takes it on the chin. Or the helmet. Whichever.

Unfortunately nothing dangerous really happens and they abseil safely to the ground. Then they go to some fancy place called The Carrington. You know shit is fancy when the buildings have names, yo.

Before we know it, shit is getting hella serious when they start talking about their mums having cancer. The C word is never really funny so I’mma leave that one.

More talking and staring at each other and it looks like they’ll probably pash…

……and yep. FIRST PASH OF THE SEASON! WEEEE!!

 

georgia-jake-kiss

No sign of pinky ring from this angle…

 

Yep. Final Three for Jake. Calling it now. You can quote me if you like.

Meanwhile the other lads are all back at the Manch planning Jake’s possible death.

 

GROUP DATE

The inaugural early-in-the-season-photoshoot has arrived, surprise surprise, early in the season.

Quote of the night goes to lovable nervous pooer Ben when he finds out he’s on the group date – “Do we have to RSVP for this?” The more he talks, the more I like him.

For their super fancy photoshoot it’s all about the country. Country. Horses. Nature. Puffer vests. Much nature.

In fact, it is a legit shoot for Mills & Boon’s new book series set in the Aussie Outback and the dudes will be split into small groups to have cover shots taken with Lady Bach. Except Cameron. He gets his own. Because he’s adorable. The rest of the dudes look super psyched about it. Except Cameron.

Umm, side note…am I the only one who’s super keen to read this shit? Gawd I hope there’s a character called Barry. Or Steve. Or Banjo. That would be crackers. (Is that an Aussie thing? I don’t really know…) Regardless, the optimism is practically palpable when the lads realise that maybe this means they’ll make some serious dolla bills off the royalties.

 

mills-and-boon

I hope they re-use this title in the new series!

 

But there’s really no time for this kind of positivity because what has now started is the BATTLE OF THE MAN SORT OF MODELS! It is Sam vs. Rhys in an epic contest of white guy rigs and hair flipping. Obviously the der-rama for this episode and possibly erry episode for the rest of this season will be centered around Sam hating Rhys for being a model. Or something.

Shoot 1 – Lady Bach is put in Courtney’s arms while the other plebs carry logs and stuff. What a stitch up. Meanwhile, I actually hate being carried like that. Not that that many men offer to carry me in a fireman lift these days, but whatevs… I feel like a complete gumby.

Shoot 2 – Lady Bach is up on a white horse with Lee. Matt gets stuck on the ground making friends with the horse’s face. They’re not even trying to make it hard for us to guess who she likes best. Poor Matt.

Shoot 3 – The Two Epic Models. And Clancy. Rhys gets his rig out and Sam is not okay with it. Just quietly, does anyone else love Sam now? Like, I know he has terrible attitudes towards women and is probably the worst kind of guy to date and we’re supposed to hate him, but these claws of his are super sassy and hilarious.

Shoot 4 – Just Cam. Because he’s a babe. This sucks for me though, because all the local fireman around my area are 50-plus and balding. They kind of nearly kiss. No one is sure.

 

nature-shoot-2

Nothing says romance quite like an akubra. 

 

ROSE CEREMONY

Rhys has a poem. Because of COURSE he does. Just when we thought we got through the meet-and-greets without any awkward poetry…nekk minit…Rhys. Unfortunately it’s not that good. It doesn’t really rhyme properly. Or did I miss the memo about new-age hipster poetry intentionally being a bit crap?

According to one of the dudes whose name I have yet to care about, the “masculine energy” in the house has risen. Or does he just mean Sam’s hatred Rhys. This is getting serious. Will there be a table flip tonight? Even if there isn’t, I am enjoying Sam’s impressions of his nemesis and general bitchiness.

 

fullsizerender-2

 

Sam tries to convince Lady Bach that Rhys is just an awful, scarf-wearing model/devil but gets interrupted by none other than Rhys before he can tell her to boot him off.

Not that it really matters anyway. She keeps them both so that Australia’s viewing audience can enjoy at least another week of this strange, yet oddly fulfilling feud. Instead, it’s Ben who’s sent packing. But surely they cannot send the nervous pooer home this early in the game? It’s just so cruel! I actually feel awful. For realz. I have real feelings about this, Lady Bach.

 

Watch yoself.

 

fullsizerender-1

Also this.

 

 

The Bachelorette Season 2: The path to Georgia’s Love

22 Sep

I wasn’t going to recap The Bachelorette, I really wasn’t. But I have a sickness and no sooner had I watched the first episode of Season 2, that I felt the inexplicable need to give my opinion on it. So…yeah. Here we are, guys.

The producers barely had enough time to clean the chocolate bath remnants from the Tuscan Mansion that Spotlight Built before Lady Love and her crew took over the place. Luckily though, one of the work experience kids managed to nip back down to Bed, Bath ‘n’ Table and stock up on more metallic candle holders and expensive throw rugs. Crisis averted.

I just hope they gave Osher a weekend off or something to recover.

But here he is, looking his dapper self, and ready to introduce us to Australia’s newest Bachelorette – Georgia Love.

So who is she?

Well, she’s a journalist and news reporter who lives in Tasmania and was probably the best option they had since I’m guessing Cool Girl Heather and Well Traveled Lana turned down the gig. But Lady Bach seems pretty sweet and, despite her bad habit of speaking like she’s on the five o’clock news, is a stone cold fox. But the poor thing has put her successful career first for the last decade, how very dare she, and has thus been punished by the Gods of romance for not giving it all up to find a man. Until now…

 

sad-georgia

This is what you get for having a career.

 

Instead of going home to her cold career, hopefully Lady Love will be going home to one of the 16 bachelors Channel 10 and the Myer Briggs test have picked out for her… I just really hope the “relationship experts” from Married at First Sight weren’t involved…

But before I give you my run-down on the fellas, can I just say it is actually bullshit that she only gets 16 dudes and Bachie Cool Bananas got 23 ladies. MAYBE it was because Richie needed more personalities in the house to overshadow his own, but I think I’m being too optimistic here. This is just straight-up anti-feminism! Does Susan Sarandon know about this?

Anywhoo, Lady Love is all decked out in her elegant and virginal white gown, living out my personal dream of standing on her driveway and just waiting for hot men in limos to pull up and impress her. And if by “impress” you mean making awkward conversation and wearing a lot of velvet suits, then yes, they are very impressive. Many velvet, much pinky rings.

I’m not going to give a run down on erry single one because you and I both have a life, but here are the standouts:

Cameron: Firefighter. Very cute. Likes Disney. Will most likely be in the Final 3 due to my other Bachie theory, not dissimilar to the Dress theory, that the first suitor introduced is usually a major contender. You heard it here first.

Jake: Forgot what he does but he’s from the Gold Coast. He’s really cute except he wears a pinky ring. Ew. It’s a no from me, but Bachie Love doesn’t seem to care. High chance of going rogue and punching someone later due to aforementioned description.

Rhys: Model and Entrepreneur. This means he’s probably a barista at a hipster cafe and runs a semi-popular tumblr account. Basically says anyone can be as hot as he is if they just try harder. Tries hard to speak French. Is shit.

Courtney: Also forgot what he does but something to do with kids? Super adorbs but I think I’m biased because he’s wearing a plaid shirt and gives her a pasta bracelet.

Carlos: Self-proclaimed Business Mogul. So…a stripper. He doesn’t even try to hide it. Clearly producer’s pick for ratings as not even the Married at First Sight relationship experts would pair him with Georgia. Also wears pinky ring and looks greasy. I hope he stays.

Lee: Mechanical Plumber. I’m not 100% sure what this means but I bet he’s good with his hands or…something. Offers Lady Bach his jacket while swooning over her eyes but obviously stylists crack the shits and make him take it back. Oh yeah, also brings a donkey with him, NBD. A donkey in a mexican costume, no less. Asks, “does my ass look big in this?” Ten points to Gryffindor.

 

donkey

#animalrights

 

Ben: Miner. Extreme Aussie and clearly there for comic relief. Self-proclaimed nervous pooer. Bless. Trips over on his way up the stairs. Jury still out on whether it was legit an accident or excuse to use bad pun. Either way I’m okay with it.

Clancy: Has beard. May not have beard by end of night.

Sam: Claims to be an electrician but I really don’t know if I’d let him anywhere near live wires. But well done to the producers because this guy is television heaven. Explains that he rarely has to try very hard as women usually just go to him, hence why he’s still single and on a dating show? Wonders if Georgia will be able to keep his attention for more than a week. What a sweetheart! And by attention he means asking her a series of inane questions that he probably stole from a bad Buzzfeed quiz. Wins Quote of the Night with, “I don’t know what planet she’s from that she doesn’t agree with everything I say?” Thank you, Channel 10. Thank you.

COCKTAIL PARTY

Off to an excellent start. Lady Bach enters in all her glory only to stack it down the stairs. And suddenly every woman in Australia goes lesbian for a moment because, lesbihonest, Georgia is all of us after a few drinks. She brushes it off like no big deal but then secretly wants to die in her private interview. Basically me everyday.

 

georgia-falls

Georgia at the cocktail party…

kill-me-gif

…Georgia IRL

 

After that, the der-rama takes a bit of a nose dive. I really hate to say this, but dudes are not as interesting as chicks are at the cocktail parties. All that happens is that they form a line to talk to Lady Bach. It’s kind of sweet but also super weird.

Meanwhile, Rhys and some guy called Aaron find each other and begin what looks to be a beautiful bromance. They make a lot of cringe-worthy jokes and then laugh a lot of those jokes and I can’t help but wonder if this is what I’m like with my friends when we’ve been drinking and, if so, someone should probs just put me out of my misery. Although a little part of me does hope they turn on each other and flip tables and shit because that would be way more entertaining.

 

bromance

The real love story of the season.

 

OOHH CONTROVERSY ALERT!

Guys, even though Lady Love has waaaay more personality than Bachie Bananas did, they’re not giving her a White Sex Rose! Obviously this is NOT. OKAY. WITH. ME. Less men to pick from and now no Sex Rose. What’s next? The men not having to compete in humiliating challenges?!

What Lady Bach does get is some pissy little orange rose called the “First Impression Rose” which is actually just the Rose of Lies! Poor Osher tries to sell it like a #reallybigdeal but it turns out it works basically the same as the regular roses, it’s just the lucky dude gets given it earlier in the night. And gets to choose ONE date with Lady Bach and ONE group date. No escaping up to the White Rose Sex Hideaway whenever the mood strikes.

If I was Lady Bach I would be piiiiiiiiiissed.

The lucky/not-so-lucky recipient is Courtney and maybe I’m okay with that decision. I always knew plaid shirts were a good life choice.

ROSE CEREMONY

Poor Georgia has to send home two dudes out of an already small pool of 16! I mean, I’m no scientist, but isn’t it LADIES who are the better sex at multi-tasking?! Are we legitimately going into the beginning of this new season with a measly FOURTEEN MEN?! What good can possibly come of that?

Regardless, Lady Bach must do as she is told and so she sends home Carlos and a white guy whose name I did not learn. Seeing as Carlos was clearly the producers pick, I’m very surprised they let that slide. Perhaps they feel bad for shafting poor Lady Love at every other opportunity. And by shafting I’m not trying to make bad sexual innuendo. For once.

 

Ah well, at least Sam and his codependent attitude are still there. And the donkey. Or…at least I think the donkey is still there?

Guys?

 

The Bachelor Season 2: The Aftermath

23 Oct

ERRRMAGERRRRD! This year’s Bachie is the gift that just keeps on giving!

It is now three (actually, probably four) whole weeks since the finale episode of Africa, Bunda rings and drama drama drama. And lucky for me, things just kept getting messier. So I thought it only fitting to do a bitchy post-finale wrap-up. Because there is nothing I like better than holding on to things for longer than I should.

Allow me, if you will, a moment to catch you up on the sticky aftermath of Blake Garvey’s journey (ifyouknowwhaddamean):

  • The team went to Africa

 

  • Day before the Finale, Channel 10 pull all media interviews with Blake and “winner”. *ALARM BELLS*

 

  • Social media goes in to MELTDOWN. (Like, seriously, the internet broke).

 

  • Normal Lisa goes home because she is normal.

 

  • Blake proposes to Sam with a Bunda ring and she accepts.

 

  • 12 hours later, it is confirmed Sam and Blake have already split.

 

  • Blake comes out of the closet with his new lover Adriano Zumbo.

 

  • Sam posts the following on twitter:

 

tweet

 

  • Rumors abound that Lisa is up the duff with Blake’s lovechild (they turn out to be untrue….BOO!)

 

  • The Project finally confirm an interview with both Sam and Blake and receive their highest viewer ratings in years.

 

  • Sam calls Blake a jackass and shows herself to be a bloody legend and a half. Everybody starts following her on Instagram and declaring that Blake is the worst ever. (*Can I just say, Sam, if you’re reading this: I’m really sorry for being suuuuuuch a bitch to you. I know I hung shit on you for your two-toned hair and your unfortunate Frankston roots, but it was all fun and games really. I was wrong. Let’s be lovers. You win at everything.)

 

project

I salute you, my Queen

 

  • Everyone starts packing up their fake tan and playsuits, believing this year’s Bachie journey has sadly come to an end.

 

  • BREAKING NEWS! A new rumor surfaces about Blake Vader and Lipstick Louise. It’s almost too good to be true…

 

  • Praise be to Oprah, IT IS TRUE AND THEY ARE GOING TO DO A WHOLE INTERVIEW ABOUT THEIR TOTALLY REAL AND PURE LOVE WITH WOMAN’S DAY! (But also with The Project because we don’t want anyone to miss out).

 

And here we are.

So kids, it turns out Blake Vader just couldn’t get that delicious raspberry pavlova out of his head, because he has done a swapsie; he’s dumped Sam, flown to Thailand and declared his undying love for Lipstick Louise. Well actually, in between the finale of the show and now, Blake went to Night TAFE, graduated Literacy class, worked through his heartbreak at losing 30 potential wives and then managed to write Louise a 5-page love letter all by himself because he just cannot forget her pavlova.

Lucky for him, Louise has not been doing much else apart from sitting around crying over her wasted wife skills and the stripper who made her ride a mechanical bull for entertainment.

 

louise cry

“I learned Afrikaan for you!

Turns out Louise totally dug Vader’s letter and the two are now shacked up together in a white and beige palace in Thailand. As Blake so expertly explained, they wanted to escape the public scrutiny and get to know each other again in private. But not before they did an interview with Woman’s Day for a casual $50 000. No biggie.

So right now I am sitting here, racking my brains as to how to explain this whole Blake-loved-Sam-but-then-didn’t-love-Sam-but-Lisa-might-be-pregnant-but-not-and-now-Blake-loves-Louise-and-she’s-totally-fine-with-it…thing. But it is more confusing and awkward than the entire series of Homeland. Fortunately though, Blake and Louise decided that “privacy” also means doing another interview with The Project.

Cut to Monday night. Bloody Carrie Bickmore flew to Thailand for 5 sodding hours to interview The Stripper Who Couldn’t Make Up His Mind and his lucky beard/girlfriend/runner-up. As promised, they are still in the White Beige Mansion, looking very white and beige in their white and beige matching outfits.

womans day

#beige

Last time, Blake told Ms Bickmore that there was absolutely no one else in his life and that he was concentrating on mending his broken heart. WHAT. A. LIAR.

So Carrie puts the hard word on our Most Hated Bachelor and he admits that after the finale he couldn’t stop thinking about Louise and his feelings for her just kept growing until he couldn’t imagine life without her. Snore.

My guess is, he spent his first 24 hour period with Sam and realized she has a much more interesting personality than him.

The really controversial moment of the interview is when Vader tries to explain to Carrie that Sam DID know about Louise but asked him not to say anything to the public.

carrie-bickmore1

“Da fuuuuuck?!”

No, Blake Vader, no.

Look, to his credit, at least he’s still as terrible an actor as he was on the show.

Louise sort of just sits there looking white and beige and verrrry much the cat who got the Bachelor cream. But then we get this pearl of a question from Carrie:

“How was it for you finding out about Blake’s past, like the pictures of him being a stripper?”

“He wasn’t a stripper.”  – L. Pillidge, 2014

stripper

Really?

Gosh, the truth is really coming out in this interview.

Boring, boring, many snaps of Blake and Louise kissing on the beach and Carrie leaves the happy beige couple in their Thai mansion and flies back to Melbourne to interview our favourite bachelorettes; Sam and Lisa.

I think we’ve already covered this, but Sam and Lisa are awesome and they win.

In a genius moment of television, Carrie has the girls watch the interview she has just done with Blake and Louise and films their reactions.

Gawd, it’s good.

They get to the bit where Vader tries to tell us that Sam asked him not to reveal his relationship with Louise to the public…

“That is the biggest load of shit I’ve ever heard!” – Sam

“It’s just a massive web of lies!” – Lisa

And then…..BOMBSHELL!

Lisa reveals that after the Finale, Blake actually called her to ask if she still had feelings for him?! Good God, man! Do you not know that WOMEN TALK??

Lisa explains that she was all, “…how dare you. If you wanted to choose me, you choose me. I don’t come second to anyone.” Because she is normal. God bless her.

On the the plus side, the two girls admit that the experience wasn’t a total loss because they found each other and made a lasting friendship. It’s quite beautiful really. And then WHO Magazine released this…

sexiest people

In your face, Richard Mercer

And my opinion?

To be quite honest, I’m just tired of looking at Blake’s stupid face.

At the end of the day, I’m sure Louise is a super lovely person, but really, they are just as beige as each other so it’s a match made in heaven. She likes baking and wearing lipstick and he likes ladies who are good wives. Now they can go and live together in their beige house with their beige yacht and their NutriBullet.

See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya.

And that’s all, folks.

Thanks again for joining me throughout the Bachelor 2014 Journey.

***POST-SCRIPT***

FYI; I will be doing a live one-woman show based on my blogs and on The Bachelor in general in the coming year. You can keep up to date with show times and cities on the Facebook page. It’s called Prick from a Rose and I promise it will be funny and filled with bitchiness and me getting drunk.

What else is exciting, is that I’ll be joining my friend Chris O for a video blog episode on reality television and all things Bachie related. He is a total doll and the resulting vid will be appearing on YouTube. Keep an eye out for it!

If you would like to contact me or send in suggestions for future blogs/rants, feel free to do so through this site. I LOVE a smart Suggestions Box.

The Bachelor FINALE: 100% Pure Love…. Lol JOKES!

3 Oct

NAAAAAAAAAAAANTS INGONYAMA BAGITHI BABA!

Because Africa.

 

giraffe

#nature

 

HOLY CRAP WE MADE IT, TEAM!

We have arrived at the night of the finale without anyone losing an eye rub or getting street pie poisoning. Squeeee!

*Deep breaths* I am going to need to try and keep a lid on it and refrain from putting everything in capital letters while recapping this epic final love battle.

AFRICA! NATURE! FORD TERRITORY! ANIMALS! WATER! DID I MENTION THEY DRIVE FORDS HERE?

We are still in Africa. There is nature ERRYWHERE and OMIGOD STOP IT OSHER IS HERE ON PRIDE ROCK!

His hair is just loving itself sick in that safari outfit and sporting a smart casual leg mount. No big deal, I’m just here in Africa in my Gazman Casual Wear.

After recovering from the shock of seeing Osher at the very beginning of an episode, we see Blake Vader looking poignant. He has very big decisions to make tonight; one of his two favourite girlfriends out of twenty five other girlfriends will be getting a Bunda ring.

He stands in front of lots of views of Africa. He stops by a pool. Water. He mosies on down to a campsite. Fire. He looks into the flames poignantly and thinks about journeys and roses and Bunda rings.

MUM IS HERE!

Mrs Vader has arrived in Africa in her best linen two-piece and brought Bitchy Aunty Dee with her. What?! Where is Shirley MacLaine aka Blake’s grandmother? She HAS to be here! No one can make decisions without Shirley!

But alas, she has been left back at home like the other loser bachelorettes. My guess is they wouldn’t fly her Business Class so Shirley just decided not to come. Shirley ONLY flies Business Class.

On ya, Shirley.

Mrs Vader gets totes emoshi upon seeing her son and Bachie apologises, explaining he’s been so busy getting women to ride mechanical bulls and bake cakes for him that he forgot to call her. She seems OK with it.

Aunty Dee, on the other hand, is not having a bar of all this emotional crap and wants to get right down to business.

Enter Lisa.

“HELLOOOOOO! I’m Looooiysa!” she calls.

Gotta love those Queenslanders.

Lisa is her normal, chatty, laughing self until Mrs Vader asks to talk to her in private.

They go to a totally random and coincidentally decorated love seat by a pool and Mrs Vader does her best impression of her son, demanding if Lisa is in love with him. I mean, come on guys, they’ve been on a couple of dates, SURELY she must know by now?!

Lisa confirms that yes, she is indeed in love with Mufasa and is totally ready to give him many Simba babies. They start laughing. Aunty Dee doesn’t like this. There is TOO MUCH LAUGHING! Aunty Dee obviously graduated from the same Laughter Police Academy as her nephew.

Aunty Dee breaks up the laughter party and hits Lisa with the hard questions. Lisa is normal so she answers them like a normal person.

Vader returns and he and Lisa tongue pash. Gross.

NEXT!

Sam arrives. Remember she is really goofy and awkward, so she is feeling really nervous and awkward about meeting Richard Mercer’s mum.

CALL OF THE NIGHT goes to Aunty Dee as Sam is approaching:

“Oh wow, she’s blonde. On no, wait. More multi-coloured.”

I love you, Aunty Dee.

(I need to know; if you were Sam’s hairdresser, when would you get to the point where you’d just suggest, “maybe we should do a full head of foils this time, babe?” WHEN?!)

Anyhoo. Sam and Mrs Vader sit down by another totally random and coincidentally decorated fireplace and talk about feelings. Because Sam is really awkward and goofy and has no filter, she tells Mum she was worried her son would be a douchebag. Gold star, Sam.

Then she is really embarrassed because she said that word and omigod she is so awkward and goofy and can’t talk to people properly because she has no filter. What a kidder!

Mufasa shows up again and asks Mum and Aunty Dee to pick his future beard for him because he obviously can’t do it. Mrs Vader offers to adopt both of them. She is not helpful at all.

 

blake mum

Don’t forget to wear protection, darl. That’s how you got here.

 

FINAL DATES

More nature, buffalos and Ford cars. Africa.

Lisa is taken in a hot air balloon over Mufasa’s kingdom. Just like he told Louise, way back when, he explains to Lisa that everything the light touches is theirs. Lisa is super impressed.

Whilst up in the balloon, Mufasa asks Lisa what “challenges” she set for herself going into the show. You mean, apart from not getting on a mechanical bull and walking away with her dignity?

Lisa then goes on to recap their two amazing dates. Yes folks, you read that correctly. TWO. They have really only been on two f*#&ing dates! Lisa tells him they were both amazing and cannot believe he organised them out of his own pocket money just for her.

I’m starting to lose faith in you, Lisa.

They then arrive at an African-themed rotunda and sexy forehead touch for a while.

Mufasa is super dooper keen to get Lisa to tell him she loves him. It’s only fair; he organised TWO WHOLE DATES FOR HER! She OWES him!

I’m really hoping that she does an Aunty Dee and stands her ground, but it seems that all that baking and nature has finally infiltrated Lisa’s normal brain and she confirms that she is indeed, 100% in love with him.

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

She tries to rationalise this by saying, ” I realise you can’t say it back to me right now.”

Weeeelllllll…..actually he could. But he doesn’t. Because romance.

 

The next morning he picks up Sam for a night safari. Remember? Because she is from Frankston and has a wild side? I hope no one told her that Lisa got a freaking hot air balloon, because if it were me, I would be PISSED.

They go safari-ing through Africa and Sam tries to get a glimpse of Mufasa’s elephant tusk, ifyouknowwhaddamean? 😉

Boring boring boring, they talk about their feelings. Sam has already told Bachie that she loves him so I don’t really know why we are forced to sit through this.

 

FINAL ROSE/BUNDA RING CEREMONY

The final two bitches are getting dressed. Both are wearing sequins. Because Africa. Lisa is in black, Sam is in silver.

Now, look, I don’t wanna seem TOO obnoxious, because that is obvi not my style AT ALL, but you don’t dress the loser in silver/bridal sparkles. This happened last year, remember? Anna (the winner) was conveniently dressed in a white and gold dress while loser Rochelle got lumped with a fluro number from Gasp? Come on.

Blake Vader is standing at the end of a tribal sacrifice alter, looking dapper in his powder-blue suit.

THIS IS IT, GUYS! (Commence many shouty capitals from here on in)

HOLY SHIT OSHER IS BACK OMIGOD HE IS WALKING DOWN THE SACRIFICE TUNNEL ARE THEY IN LOVE STOP IT I CAN’T TAKE IT!

Osher and Bachie hold hands. F*#& off, is this real?! Is THIS what the controversy was? PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY!

Oh no, wait, he is just wishing him luck. YOU MISSED YOUR CHANCE, BLAKE! YOU COULD HAVE ENDED UP WITH A BONA FIDE CLEO BACHELOR OF THE YEAR! YOU BLEW IT!

 

the boys

#MeantToBe

 

Sadly, Osher’s hair walks away to the approaching Ford vehicle (did I mention they drive Fords in Africa?)

And we all know that the first bitch out of the car is the loser.

They are obscuring her head.

The Ford car stops.

The door opens.

Osher’s hair blows in the wind.

*

*

*

*

And it’s Lisa.

 

I F*#&ING KNEW IT!

 

OH LISA YOU POOR THING! We all watch as Normal Lisa makes her way down the tribal sacrifice tunnel in what is pretty much the most bangin black crack dress I have ever seen!

GAWD it’s just the worst. He tells her he loves her but is IN love with someone else. ARGHHHH I CAN’T DEAL!

She just whispers nice things to him and then sashays back to the Ford Territory in her black crack dress.

Farewell Normal Lisa. You have a rockin ass. You will find someone else.

Meanwhile, Mufasa cries like a baby. Guys, STRIPPERS HAVE FEELINGS TOO!

 

stripper

 

So now we know. Sam from Frankston is The One. Her two-toned highlights have gotten her over the line and into the waiting arms of Blake Vader/Mufasa/Richard Mercer.

She’s walking past the phallic animal bones towards her true love. We see her extensions from the back. GAH! Someone FIX THEM!

They’re holding hands. He’s talking about love. Her face is all, “I got this in the bag.”

He kneels. He pulls out the ring box from Bunda. He opens the ring box. Yep, it’s from Bunda. Bunda.

He’s proposing!

Her answer?

“Yep. 100%. Can we bone now?”

Because Frankston.

The ring doesn’t fit her. Things get a bit awkward.

They are kissing. Vader keeps trying to talk about feelings and journeys but Sam just macks on with him to shut him up. Good thinking, Sam.

I am crying. It’s over. My life has no meaning.

 

HOLD THE PHONE!

 

POST-FINALE CONTROVERSY

Channel 10 have cancelled all media interviews with Vader and Sam. Rumors are flying about thicker than Osher’s hair wax.

Someone’s pregnant. (Please let it be this)

Someone’s dead.

Someone cheated.

 

They broke up. SWEET VALLEY HIGH THEY ALREADY HATE EACH OTHER. Good one, Osher.

Social media is going off chops. The public is OUTRAGED!

I knew it. It was her extensions. They pushed him over the edge.

Lisa makes a statement via Instagram that she is not pregnant. Boo!

 

lisa

Oh the disappointment!

 

Then this…..

 

statement

Evidently, Frankston was too far away for Blake

Luckily, Bachie has that pool of 24 rejected loser bachelorettes to choose from now.

I am dying with anticipation. In the meantime, I think I’ll go amuse myself with re-runs of Australian Idol 2004. I’ll never stop believing, Osher.

This is Bachelor 2014 over and out.

THE END.

 

 

 

The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: The Fairytale is Ovaaah

18 Sep

Once upon a time, there lived six crazy bitches. They lived in a waterfront home on Sydney Harbor where they spent their days casually laying about in a giant rotunda, idly debating which Spice Girl was the best one. One day, their Fairy Godbrother, Osher, appeared out of nowhere to weave his magic wand and offer them the one thing they had always wanted; a television contract a fairytale date with their communal boyfriend, Blake. And so began a beautiful love story…

 

No, but seriously, someone did manage to drag Osher away from his Nutri Bullet for 5 minutes to get him to set. Evidently he’s also had a few highlights put into that glorious crown for good measure. Because he’s only fulfilling the bare minimum of contractual hours these days, it leaves him just enough time to give the girls a quick Maths revision before he returns to his organic, clean-eating lair: Six minus five is one. This means one whole person is left over. Meaning one whole person will leave the mansion rose-less. Once again, they are shocked.

Sam must have scored the highest in Maths this week because she gets the aforementioned individual date.

Osher did mention something about a very special guest and just when I was rolling my eyes thinking, who else would it be but Blake Vader himself, but, holy crap you guys, STOP EVERYTHING! IT IS A LITTLE GIRL IN A FAIRY COSTUME WITH A WAND. Evidently, someone thought it would be genius to dress an under-aged child in a Fairy Godmother costume and have her partake in the sexist farce that is a bunch of adult women baking cakes and riding mechanical bulls to get a gay guy to wife them.

Nailed it.

Although, I gotta say, young Tinkerbell is throwing a hell of a lot of sass out there and she is actually way better at reading her cue cards than Richard Mercer. She instructs Sam to open a large gift from her ‘Prince Charming’ and we all know it’s a dress because there is no way Vader would let his beards out in public in ripped jeans and a beanie. Sam oohs and aahs over it a few times and Tinkerbell cannot help but judge her before sashaying off to wherever it is she came from.

 

fairy

Bitch, please.

 

Vader explains that, “Sam has really rubbed my ego of late, so I wanted to reward her with another date.” Sounds just like something Prince Charming would say. So much fairytale.

With Disney’s greatest hits playing in the background, Sam is taken to a jeweler to borrow some stuff. See, this isn’t one of those two-become-one dates, like the Curly Haired Death Match we witnessed earlier this season. You only get to keep the jewellery in those ones. Lucky for Sam, really, because the shit Vader is picking out for her is bloody hideous, jussayin.

All this borrowing of weird swan jewellery is leaving Sam v v overwhelmed and she gets totes emoshi right there in the store. Fortunately, bitches crying over shit that has nothing to do with him is exactly what gives Vader his jollies. He is super impressed by her feelings and, thus, she progresses through to the next round of the date.

 

*SIDE NOTE* Did anyone else notice that the ad breaks are now featuring commercials for smelly vagina wash? Coincidence…?….

 

Back in the Casual Outdoor Rotunda, the remaining bitches are delivered the group date card by Curly Haired Girl #2, Zoe, who is attempting to fill Chantal/David Attenborough’s shoes as resident commentator and explainer of all things, but is obviously failing miserably because there can only be one David.

The date card is basically something something about exotic. Jess/Elsa thinks it could be teppenyaki. Bless her.

We momentarily leave the remaining bitches sitting around still looking puzzled about the word ‘exotic’ and head back to FairytaleLand to see what other super romantic things Vader hasn’t planned for Sam and if she’s still crying over them.

They’re now at The Tea Room. I’ve been there. It is super fancy. Andre Rieu’s piano playing cousin has been brought in for mood music. Let’s call him Pepe. While Pepe smashes out some tunes, Richard Mercer attempts to take Sam for a spin on the dance floor, only to be thwarted by her boob mints. Because she’s really dorky, remember guys? I mean, WHO WOULD BE SO ZANY AS TO PUT MINTS IN THEIR BRA OMIGOD SHE IS TOO MUCH WE ARE LAUGHING SO HARD!

Because Sam is so zany and dorky and puts mints in her bra, Vader gifts her with a box made of chocolate. Obviously Adriano Zumbo made it. But she completely ignores it and is much more taken by the really ugly necklace inside. Not eating the chocolate gift box is a f*#&ing travesty of justice.

“Luckily for you, there was enough left over money in the budget this week, so you get to keep this. Oh, by the way, here’s a rose.”

 

GROUP DATE

 

I used to kind of like Jess/Elsa. Her wide-eyed wonderment and loving of basically everything ever was almost endearing. But after this episode, she has officially pushed me into a diabetic coma and I cannot deal.

“Whenever I see Blake, it’s like…a sunrise. It gives me hope.”

No.

Just no.

I want to stab my eardrums with my pen.

 

Teaming with the theme of both fairytales and exotic, the bitches find themselves in Aladdin’s cave. And because Blake, “loves adventure,” the team at Channel 10 have logically decided to pitch the girls against a bunch of half-naked belly-dancers. Seems legit.

Not to be outdone, the bitches are up on their feet, shaking what their white mama’s gave them. Laurina is right into it, dancing like any good girl at Orange Whip on a Friday night.

Louise and Jess catch Vader’s attention and get some alone time. Louise is her perky, lipstick-wearing self. They talk about baking.

Jess/Elsa reveals her other way of communicating with Blake apart from sexy forehead touching: sexy finger touching. They sit there and sexy finger touch and stare at each other long enough for me to do this:

 

 dawson

 Staaaaaahp!

Even Richard Mercer is getting savvy on her crazy-eyed-slack-jawed-slow-blinking wonderment these days. He awkwardly extracts himself from the finger touching before she gets pregnant and finds Laurina.

And that is when all of the shit hits all of the fans.

In what appears to be an unguarded moment about feelings and intimacy, Blake does something so horribly offensive and not OK to poor Laurina it’s almost amusing;

He. Touches. His. Eye.

Yep, you heard right. The man has the audacity to scratch his itchy eye while Laurina is mid-sentence. All over the internet, headlines read: Finger of Destiny; Man Touches Eye!

Guys, this is almost as serious as the #DirtyStreetPie incident.

Laurina is not having a bar of it. Not one bar. She abruptly ends the conversation and stares him down. It’s bloody brill.

COCKTAIL PARTY

In an effort to undo the damage of the Touching Eye Incident, Vader is quick to find Laurina again and allow her to apologize for not liking him touch his eye and give him graphic details about their wedding day and all the beautiful children they’re going to have. But in a moment that I’m sure is totally NOT in retaliation of the Touching Eye Incident at all, Laurina stops him mid-sentence….to get a mint from her bag.

Gosh, she’s just heaven sometimes.

      kanye

I’mma let you finish…

Vader asks her whether she thinks about their future together, and she launches into this a-ma-zing speech about her super amazing life in Melbourne and how they would live in Melbourne and go to amazing Melbourne cafes and botanical gardens and have Melbourne babies. Because Melbourne.

Vader is stunted. He is actually completely lost for words that she has not simply offered up her child-bearing body at the bottom of Mt Blake for him to speed away to Perth in one of his many sea planes slash helicopters. It’s bad. But also really, really awesome. Laurina has just tore him a new one.

“I feel like things are usually on your terms,” he finally realizes.

And for that, she gets sent home.

And this is where I would like to do this…

Laurina, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being mean to you. I’m sorry I judged your street pie and your side boob. You might actually be my hero. While the other bitches were busy feeling sorry for Blake having to date all of them at once, you were flying the flag for No Shits Given Incorporated and I didn’t stop to appreciate it. You are the new Kanye West and I am not worthy.

Vale, my friend.

jess blake 2

I would never stand in your way of eye touching. #sunrise #hope