Sweet Jesus, will we ever get some respite from this punishing 4-nights-a-week schedule? Honestly I think this is a purposeful hate crime on behalf of Channel 10 who have gotten wise on us mean, self-indulgent bloggers and decided to make our lives a living hell.
Does that sound real or am I just being too self-obsessed now?
Once again, I’ll come clean and admit that I am still trying to have a life and rehearse for a show which means I have not watched the entire episode, but I don’t think that’s ever mattered to you guys. Which is exactly why I like you so much. #journalism.
So today I am mad.
Mad at Luke, mad at Eden, mad at Channel 10. Everyone has gone fkd up this week and it’s very upsetting.
First of all, Channel 10, queer baiting us with the promo for potential Megan/Elora hook ups, only to realise the closest they’re going to get to this is sitting on a sun lounge together talking about Apollo is so unfair. Not that I expected you to be at the forefront of celebrating bisexual relationships on television but still. Shame on you.
Second of all, Luke, I just think I expected better. I know Sex Island is pretty much a wannabe Instagram celebrity’s heaven on earth, and I get the decision between true love and free wine is a tough one, but come on mate. Eventually your brain has GOT to take over from your penis or you’ll end up dead from electrocution after trying to stick it in a vacuum cleaner.
And lastly…Eden. Babe. I was your number one fan and cheerleader. Heck, I even contemplated straight up adding you on Facebook like one of those strange, overly familiar fan girls (I didn’t in the end in case you were wondering). But you let me down, bro.
Anyway.
Tensions are pretty damn high on Sex Island considering everyone is just on a glorified Contiki tour. Michael’s balls are bluer than the Fijian ocean, Elora and Simone are still making pissy faces at each other and everyone else is just emotionally (and literally) drunk. Megan and Jake are discussing how rock solid they are and that it would really take someone super special to come between them…
WAIT WHAT’S THIS?! ANOTHER CANADIAN MAN WE’VE NEVER HEARD OF BEFORE HAS ARRIVED TO MAYBE COME BETWEEN THEM!?
Thomas, looking every inch the internationally acclaimed model no one knows, strolls into Sex Island with the confidence of Warwick Capper walking down Cavill Ave. He manages to catch Megan’s eye and for a minute everyone’s thinking he might just have the man bun power to pull her away from Jake. Tbh, I don’t think she’s actually going to leave Jake but it was worth it just to see Jake’s arse cheeks sweat a little. (I mean, you don’t actually SEE the cheeks, but you know it’s happening).
At least I don’t talk through a straw.
Thomas asks everyone out on a date but literally no one wants to go with him. Like at all. This is worse than that time Megan went on a pity date with American Jared and now Thomas is crying and I don’t know what to do.
Michael is also very upset because he is getting no joy in to the sexy department and still feels super bad for giving Lisa his rose but also hopes that maybe Lisa secretly likes him back which is unlikely considering Lisa JUST told Luke that nothing can come between their love. Not even a pretend Socceroo. You also know she’s not interested in Michael because when he finds her to chat about his feelings, she sits the furtherest away from someone you physically can whilst still being able to hear them. But don’t worry guys, this is Logical Lisa. She lets him down gently and logically but it’s not enough for Michael who has decided to throw in the towel.
Yep, Michael has run out of ripped singlets and women and wants to go home. And then…he’s gone. No fanfare, no teary goodbyes, just…nothing. Look, I may not have flown the Michael flag or anything but even I think he deserved better.
BUT WAIT! Now Lisa wants to go and I can’t be sure whether she truly just wants to GTFO or whether the producers no longer see any worth in her and Luke now that the Michael-Lisa-Luke triangle is kaput. She casually asks Luke if he’s ready to leave and I’m not sure if she means the show or the padded beach bed they’re lying on, she’s so casual. But all of a sudden Luke is unsure of how much he’s willing to say goodbye to bottomless mimosas and just loses his shit really.
How will I live without my 10am daiquiri?!
He’s unsure if he can commit to this woman he’s spent the last three weeks falling in love with because what if he leaves paradise and some Amazonian goddess comes in and he misses his chance?! Luke isn’t stupid enough to say that out loud, but he does try to explain that he is more of a “slow burner” and things are moving so fast on this dating show he came into to find love and my eyes rolled so far back into my head I practically swallowed them. This is why over half the population is single and barren.
Lisa is all, “You don’t have to, no pressure,” but even I know this is exactly the opposite of what she means and he’d better bloody go with her.
Above: Lisa.
Okay they’re gone too now and no one really seems that upset or surprised. Fare thee well Lisa; you were too normal for this world.
(*UPDATE: Obviously, y’all know that there are now cheating rumours surrounding Luke on the outside and is anyone surprised, really?)
No time to waste because OBVIOUSLY Elora gets the next date card because we’re all here to just f*** shit up. OBVIOUSLY she takes Apollo because she has meditated and twirled her fire on it and the fire told her that she and Apollo were soul mates. Apollo doesn’t seem too convinced but that’s really none of his business if you ask Elora.
Monsoon season in Fiji is really becoming a problem because they are basically just sent to an undercover BBQ area at the back of the resort while it pisses down rain around them.
Elora presents her Apollo 4 Elora 4Eva slideshow and poor Apollo says he just wants to find someone to travel with which is literally every damn man on Tinder’s bio (srzly, if you have this on your profile delete it immediately because every funking person in Australia wants to travel and it does not make you interesting.) But I’ll forgive it of Apollo because abs. And magic tricks.
Nothing else really happens on their date apart from when they come back and everyone greets them like they’ve just returned from an epic journey around the world in a tiny sailboat.
Apollo goes straight to Simone who is at the bar like a regular person, talking about her many feelings to anyone who’ll listen. He actually tells her he missed her and f*** me how does she not just fall off her stool naked at that? Elora is verrrrrryyyy unhappy about this and goes to talk to some fire sticks about it.
It seems the Elora-Apollo romance is dead quicker than you can say, “you banged him on my couch!”
Meanwhile, Thomas is still the Ralph Wiggum of the island feeling super rejected and unsure of what he’s even doing here. As are we Thomas, as are we.
Jarrod, now a shade of red the colour spectrum has yet to incorporate, feels for the poor Canadian and organises a man date. Jarrod, Thomas, Sam and Apollo stroll along the beach by twilight, end up in a cramped milk bath in their undies and Sam puts on a Swedish accent and honestly how has Sam become the best person on television?! The bro date is most likely a ploy for producers to have Apollo shirtless again and I’m not mad about it.
Sorry, I’m lactose intolerant.
In a final twist of der-rama, Elora discovers a letter on her pillow that is allegedly from American Jared. It’s all very SVU: Special Victims Unit with close-ups of the letter being unfolded and the unmistakable red flag of it being signed off as “American Jared.” So many twists and turns in this show, amiright?!
COCKTAIL PARTY
Elora is quite taken with the gesture and decides that maybe she has real feelings for American Jared, a man she has barely spoken two words to, but we all know that, as Kesha once sang, “It’s going down. I’m yelling timber!”
Ali being Ali praises American Jared for being so sweet with his letter writing business and he is as suitably confused as a drunk foreigner on a dating show can be.
Now erryone is confused AF because it wasn’t American Jared and apparently we have found the key to a time machine and gone back to 1998 when prank letters were a thing in Science class.
Obviously the next logical culprit is Simone because, let’s face it, she’s been extremely sweaty and angry these past few days so that makes sense.
No wait, it’s not Simone either.
It was Eden and now I am so mad and disappointed I can’t feel my face anymore.
It appears that Eden is blue-balling so hard, his excess testosterone has bubbled up and into his brain and he’s lost his damn mind. That, or he just wanted to f*** shit up before his inevitable exit tonight. Whichever mate, but not cool.
YOU’VE MADE ME LOOK THE FOOL, YO! HOW COULD YOU?! I’m going to have to go speak to a box of Shapes about this.
ROSE CEREMONY
I’ve fallen into a pit of despair at my apparently terrible judgement of men and kinda miss the whole thing.
Oh, except for the part where Elora gives her funking rose to Eden because she still thinks he deserves to find love gurl what you planning either you’re the most forgiving person in the damn South Pacific, or you got some revenge idea so bad and I’m almost hoping it’s the second one.
Everyone is f***ing shook, including Eden, who looks pretty damn afraid as he should.
Eden, you in danger, boi.
Poor Canadian Thomas is off the island before he even had a chance to break out the Banana Boat 30+.
My nose is dripping like a tap and I need to take a nap. That’s a wrap.
(That was also a rap.)
(Sorry I’m delirious.)
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