Tag Archives: louise

The Bachelor Season 2: The Aftermath

23 Oct

ERRRMAGERRRRD! This year’s Bachie is the gift that just keeps on giving!

It is now three (actually, probably four) whole weeks since the finale episode of Africa, Bunda rings and drama drama drama. And lucky for me, things just kept getting messier. So I thought it only fitting to do a bitchy post-finale wrap-up. Because there is nothing I like better than holding on to things for longer than I should.

Allow me, if you will, a moment to catch you up on the sticky aftermath of Blake Garvey’s journey (ifyouknowwhaddamean):

  • The team went to Africa

 

  • Day before the Finale, Channel 10 pull all media interviews with Blake and “winner”. *ALARM BELLS*

 

  • Social media goes in to MELTDOWN. (Like, seriously, the internet broke).

 

  • Normal Lisa goes home because she is normal.

 

  • Blake proposes to Sam with a Bunda ring and she accepts.

 

  • 12 hours later, it is confirmed Sam and Blake have already split.

 

  • Blake comes out of the closet with his new lover Adriano Zumbo.

 

  • Sam posts the following on twitter:

 

tweet

 

  • Rumors abound that Lisa is up the duff with Blake’s lovechild (they turn out to be untrue….BOO!)

 

  • The Project finally confirm an interview with both Sam and Blake and receive their highest viewer ratings in years.

 

  • Sam calls Blake a jackass and shows herself to be a bloody legend and a half. Everybody starts following her on Instagram and declaring that Blake is the worst ever. (*Can I just say, Sam, if you’re reading this: I’m really sorry for being suuuuuuch a bitch to you. I know I hung shit on you for your two-toned hair and your unfortunate Frankston roots, but it was all fun and games really. I was wrong. Let’s be lovers. You win at everything.)

 

project

I salute you, my Queen

 

  • Everyone starts packing up their fake tan and playsuits, believing this year’s Bachie journey has sadly come to an end.

 

  • BREAKING NEWS! A new rumor surfaces about Blake Vader and Lipstick Louise. It’s almost too good to be true…

 

  • Praise be to Oprah, IT IS TRUE AND THEY ARE GOING TO DO A WHOLE INTERVIEW ABOUT THEIR TOTALLY REAL AND PURE LOVE WITH WOMAN’S DAY! (But also with The Project because we don’t want anyone to miss out).

 

And here we are.

So kids, it turns out Blake Vader just couldn’t get that delicious raspberry pavlova out of his head, because he has done a swapsie; he’s dumped Sam, flown to Thailand and declared his undying love for Lipstick Louise. Well actually, in between the finale of the show and now, Blake went to Night TAFE, graduated Literacy class, worked through his heartbreak at losing 30 potential wives and then managed to write Louise a 5-page love letter all by himself because he just cannot forget her pavlova.

Lucky for him, Louise has not been doing much else apart from sitting around crying over her wasted wife skills and the stripper who made her ride a mechanical bull for entertainment.

 

louise cry

“I learned Afrikaan for you!

Turns out Louise totally dug Vader’s letter and the two are now shacked up together in a white and beige palace in Thailand. As Blake so expertly explained, they wanted to escape the public scrutiny and get to know each other again in private. But not before they did an interview with Woman’s Day for a casual $50 000. No biggie.

So right now I am sitting here, racking my brains as to how to explain this whole Blake-loved-Sam-but-then-didn’t-love-Sam-but-Lisa-might-be-pregnant-but-not-and-now-Blake-loves-Louise-and-she’s-totally-fine-with-it…thing. But it is more confusing and awkward than the entire series of Homeland. Fortunately though, Blake and Louise decided that “privacy” also means doing another interview with The Project.

Cut to Monday night. Bloody Carrie Bickmore flew to Thailand for 5 sodding hours to interview The Stripper Who Couldn’t Make Up His Mind and his lucky beard/girlfriend/runner-up. As promised, they are still in the White Beige Mansion, looking very white and beige in their white and beige matching outfits.

womans day

#beige

Last time, Blake told Ms Bickmore that there was absolutely no one else in his life and that he was concentrating on mending his broken heart. WHAT. A. LIAR.

So Carrie puts the hard word on our Most Hated Bachelor and he admits that after the finale he couldn’t stop thinking about Louise and his feelings for her just kept growing until he couldn’t imagine life without her. Snore.

My guess is, he spent his first 24 hour period with Sam and realized she has a much more interesting personality than him.

The really controversial moment of the interview is when Vader tries to explain to Carrie that Sam DID know about Louise but asked him not to say anything to the public.

carrie-bickmore1

“Da fuuuuuck?!”

No, Blake Vader, no.

Look, to his credit, at least he’s still as terrible an actor as he was on the show.

Louise sort of just sits there looking white and beige and verrrry much the cat who got the Bachelor cream. But then we get this pearl of a question from Carrie:

“How was it for you finding out about Blake’s past, like the pictures of him being a stripper?”

“He wasn’t a stripper.”  – L. Pillidge, 2014

stripper

Really?

Gosh, the truth is really coming out in this interview.

Boring, boring, many snaps of Blake and Louise kissing on the beach and Carrie leaves the happy beige couple in their Thai mansion and flies back to Melbourne to interview our favourite bachelorettes; Sam and Lisa.

I think we’ve already covered this, but Sam and Lisa are awesome and they win.

In a genius moment of television, Carrie has the girls watch the interview she has just done with Blake and Louise and films their reactions.

Gawd, it’s good.

They get to the bit where Vader tries to tell us that Sam asked him not to reveal his relationship with Louise to the public…

“That is the biggest load of shit I’ve ever heard!” – Sam

“It’s just a massive web of lies!” – Lisa

And then…..BOMBSHELL!

Lisa reveals that after the Finale, Blake actually called her to ask if she still had feelings for him?! Good God, man! Do you not know that WOMEN TALK??

Lisa explains that she was all, “…how dare you. If you wanted to choose me, you choose me. I don’t come second to anyone.” Because she is normal. God bless her.

On the the plus side, the two girls admit that the experience wasn’t a total loss because they found each other and made a lasting friendship. It’s quite beautiful really. And then WHO Magazine released this…

sexiest people

In your face, Richard Mercer

And my opinion?

To be quite honest, I’m just tired of looking at Blake’s stupid face.

At the end of the day, I’m sure Louise is a super lovely person, but really, they are just as beige as each other so it’s a match made in heaven. She likes baking and wearing lipstick and he likes ladies who are good wives. Now they can go and live together in their beige house with their beige yacht and their NutriBullet.

See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya.

And that’s all, folks.

Thanks again for joining me throughout the Bachelor 2014 Journey.

***POST-SCRIPT***

FYI; I will be doing a live one-woman show based on my blogs and on The Bachelor in general in the coming year. You can keep up to date with show times and cities on the Facebook page. It’s called Prick from a Rose and I promise it will be funny and filled with bitchiness and me getting drunk.

What else is exciting, is that I’ll be joining my friend Chris O for a video blog episode on reality television and all things Bachie related. He is a total doll and the resulting vid will be appearing on YouTube. Keep an eye out for it!

If you would like to contact me or send in suggestions for future blogs/rants, feel free to do so through this site. I LOVE a smart Suggestions Box.

The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: Everybody Loves Bachie…except Lisa

2 Oct

ZOMG guys, it’s Finale week! I can barely keep a lid on it. And neither can Blake Vader who is throwing “journey” ALL over the place! Srzly, I counted nine times this episode. And I vagued out at one stage. So lets round that up to nineteen. Nineteen totally non-scripted mentions of a beautiful/amazing/awesome/ridiculous/intense journey. Journey.

WATER JOURNEY AFRICA! Many montages of water and mentions of journeys. Wait, are we IN Africa now? Or Sydney? I’m confused. Many wildlife, much water.

No, no, we’re still in Sydney. Well, Vader couldn’t POSSIBLY leave without first stopping in at Bunda to casually pick up some bling for one of his three girlfriends. After mentioning to the manager that he would actually prefer to design the engagement ring (!!!) himself, Richard Mercer then takes a poignant stroll down the main street, thinking about journeys and water.

Meanwhile, while the real residents of the mansion that Spotlight built are moving back in and busy tearing down the hideous plastic hydrangeas and smashing all pineapple-shaped furniture, the remaining three bitches are at the airport.

WE ARE BEST FRIENDS GOING AN AN INCREDIBLE JOURNEY TOGETHER! LET’S HAVE A CHAMPS TO CELEBRATE OUR COMMUNAL BOYFRIEND!

Sam, Lisa and Louise are just having the best time ever at the passengers lounge and quietly congratulate each other on being chosen to maybe get proposed to in another country.

Cut to arriving in said foreign country (South Africa if you haven’t caught the bombardment of ads for it this week – wait, are we in South Africa because Vader is black?)

Bachie has had a smart change of clothes and is now poignantly looking about his hotel window thinking about being poignant and journeys. He’s having a real hard time remembering his lines with all this amazing view.

*TANGENT ALERT* Allow me, if you will, to quickly remind you of something. Something I would deem significant. The final three bachelorettes usually signify the time for the Dates with No Time Limits episode. Dates with sex, as we prefer to call them. Because most tall, sort of black, deep talking bachelors have at least a one in three chance of finding a girl willing to bone him. BUT THAT IS NOT WHAT IS HAPPENING. There is no mention of time limits or boning or love cabins and I am. so. not. ok. with. this.

This is bullshit, Channel 10. I am submitting a formal complaint. Replacing dates with potential sex for dates with potential tourism attractions is a travesty of justice! NO.

End Tangent*

So everything is slightly more boring now because there is no sex but lets go through the last three dates that Blake totally organised with his own pocket money and travel expertise.

Sam

Vader explains that Sam has “a wild side”. Obvi because she is from Frankston.

So lucky Sam gets to go shark diving.

They board a boat and watch a shark brutally kill a cute seal and then a bird. Because romance. Vader looks kind of terrified and it’s kind of funny.

 

Jaws

Can’t you feel the romance?

To allay their fears, Bachie and Sam are given black wetsuits that look pretty much exactly like seal costumes. Good thinking. They dive down in a steel cage and watch sharks swim by and it’s not interesting because there is no sex.

Journey.

Later, because she survived the shark tank, Sam gets to go on a SUPER YACHT. Not a regular yacht, a SUPER YACHT. Because water. They lie on the deck and Sam decides to tell Richard Mercer about her feelings. She says it’s really important he knows exactly what she is before he makes a decision. “What” she is? Omigod, is she about to tell him she actually has man parts as well? Because, just quietly, I don’t think that would be a problem.

No, she just tells him she loves him. But because Sam is totes goofy and funny, it takes her 15 minutes to do it. Bachie doesn’t even try and hide his impatient face. He doesn’t like it when bitches laugh or don’t bake cakes or don’t tell him they love him immediately.

Journey.

Louise

Sometimes-wears-lipstick-Louise has brought out the big guns tonight.

She’s brought her Zamel’s earrings/necklace set. Shit is getting real.

Vader explains that last time, he got a spray tan and a pedicure and showed up in the Hunter Valley took Louise to a winery so it’s really important to him that he try and top that effort.

With another f*#$ing winery.

Except this one is in a foreign country. I guess that makes a big difference.

Anyhoo, they ooh and aah and carry on over the amazing view for several minutes. Louise declares she’s never seen such a great view. Umm…not that there’s anything wrong with the lovely view, but…Lou, sweetie? DON’T YOU LIVE IN A SNOW MANSION IN THREDBO?!!

Call me crazy, but I’m starting to get the feeling this bitch is a little too upper class.

They sit down to a meal of fancy ocean trout and expensive moscato, and Louise explains that she definitely feels real romance between her and Blake.

Babe, eating a fancy lunch on national television with the guy you’re sharing with three other bitches isn’t romance. Sitting on your couch in your ugg boots, hoovering a packet of Rice Wheels while your partner plays Clash of Clans is REAL romance.*

Before anyone gets too drunk, a lovely African choir has arrived to sing to them. It is at this point that I wish I spoke Afrikaan, because I can only imagine what the English translation was…

White Girl We are Judging You?

Once she’s dried her tears, Louise is taken to another bloody view. The Presidential Suite.

Oooh…suite, you say? Isn’t that fance-talk for bedroom? Could sexy time be on the cards?

No, no no. They just sit in the pool and do some really really close talking. Snore.

Yes, she tells him she loves him. In Afrikaan. He rewards her with more close talking and a smart underwater boob grab.

Journey.

 

view

#view

Lisa

From what Richard Mercer can remember, Lisa passed the ovary test at the kindergarten date, BUT, one can never be too sure when trying to choose an appropriate baby maker.

They show up at a prep school with basically THE most adorable children on the face of the earth because it is totally OK to exploit little kids living in poverty for the sake of a reality show. Angelina would be SPITTING!

 

angelina-jolie

Not on my watch, bitches

It’s very cute and normal (because Lisa) and everyone at home calls work and quits their jobs so that they can go and teach in Cape Town. I know I did.

To meet the ostentatious modes of transport quota for the week, Lisa and Bachie then take a helicopter over the mountains of South Africa (“Look at the VIEW!”) and end up at another beachside/cliffside/presidential suite type place with a view.

This is where Lisa wins at everything because she is Lisa.

Vader is probing her to tell him she loves him; after all, his other two beards did.

She explains to camera that she has “deep feelings” (lol, “deep”) for Blake but that she is finding it hard to express, considering he is pashing two other chicks.

Right when I think her closest-thing-to-feminism-moment speech was all for nothing, and she is just going to offer herself up to Mt Blake, she does a 180 and backs the f*%# down! It is Bachie who tells her he is falling for her and she is just like, “Yeah cool. I’ll say it when you say it. Which is not now, so suffer in yer jocks.”

Gawd I love her.

Rose Ceremony

According to the soundtrack, we are now in Gotham City, as the three women put on their Zamel’s best and look poignantly in the mirror. Journey.

OSHER IS HERE! Someone saw fit to fly his weave all the way to South Africa so that he could do his 30 second bit and introduce Blake to the three bitches who already know him pretty effing well.

See Osh? This is your reward for not eating carbs or dairy  for the last 2 months. Well done, babe.

Sam gets the first rose. I bloody knew it.

The Batman soundtrack is, at this stage, so loud that my eardrums are slightly perforated.

It’s Lisa. Lisa gets the rose and sometimes-wears-lipstick Louise is the loser. I gotta say, it’s kind of awful. I mean, the girl took the time to learn Afrikaan so that she could tell Vader she loved him! Obviously, Bachie only likes girls who speak English.

Louise is dumped into a limo and taken…where? Back to the airport? I hope not, because she is not dressed in the appropriate attire for a long-haul flight. Especially now that she is the loser and will have to take economy class on Loser Airlines.

Social media erupts with farewells to our fav sometimes-lipstick-wearing bachelorette and half of the eliminated bitches declare her the most beautiful Stepford Wife ever.

Do they know what Stepford Wife means?

Doubtful.

 

inygo

 

THE LAST EPISODE IS UPON US AND I STILL DON’T HAVE A NEW HOBBY! HELP ME I’M DYING WITH EXCITEMENT BUT ALSO GRIEF!

Catch you tomorrow my loves with the final instalment for this year. *Tear*

Who is your money on? Frankston chick Sam? Or Rich but Normal Lisa?

 

 

 

*This may/may not have been exactly what I was doing tonight

 

 

The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: Masks, Secrets & Threesomes, Oh My!

12 Sep

Guys, things are getting verrrrry sombre and serious.

We opened on a shot of the mansion at night accompanied by the moon. So much moon and sombre. The bitches were sitting by the fire while werewolves howled in the background. Even Louise had ditched the red lip for a smoky eye. Because night time.

 

 

wolfmoon

#sombre

 

Chat chat chat, we’re so lucky to still be locked up inside this house, chat chat chat I wonder how Blake is feeling about feelings.

Oh wow, look at that! There’s a date card conveniently sitting on the couch that we totes didn’t notice before!

Lots of speculation about who the lucky lady will be tonight, and Chantal honestly looks like she’s waiting to hear if she has a life-threatening disease. Although, believing that competing on this show is a good decision would qualify as pretty life-threatening.

And the winner is…LOUISE! As in, the one who wears lipstick and likes to bake and….and………actually that’s all I know about her. In my dreams, though, I imagine Louise lives in a white and beige palace in Toorak with a thermomix and everything from Urban Republic and her farts smell like cinnamon buns.

Louise heads down to the park and, as expected, Vader blows in on a bloody helicopter…..again.

We literally see Louise get the signal from the director to start jumping up and down and waving, which she does like a champ. I little bit like the time Richard Mercer blew in on an effing yacht to pick her up. Actually, it’s exactly like that. Just with a helicopter. Potato/potahto…

Blake Vader earnestly explains that he wanted to “take Louise away” from the obviously basic and awful existence she has living on the foreshore of Sydney Harbor, and whisk her off to the Hunter Valley for a glimpse of his man-grapes.

Upon arriving at a picturesque winery, Louise presents Vader with caramel slice that she has conveniently baked for him. Remember, guys? Louise wears lipstick and bakes. She’s really complex. No, but seriously, caramel slice is actually the shit and I am yelling at the TV, “WIFE HER IMMEDIATELY, IF NOT BEFORE!”

Now, if the way to a man’s heart is, as Louise says, through his stomach, the way to Louise’s heart is through extravagant modes of transport. Why? Because horse and carriage. They land in a helicopter and jump straight into an effing horse-drawn carriage. HashtagSwag.

Fast forward a minute or two, and they’re suddenly by a pool. Now, I have been to a nice winery or two in my time and not once have I ever seen a winery with a pool, so I assume they’re just in someone’s back yard. With candles. MANY MANY candles. Candles.

Something something something energy, something something something feelings, something you have great energy and feelings, and I have a good time feeling your energy…. *gravel gravel can’t understand due to Blake’s voice dropping a register, gravel gravel*

Back at School Camp for Bitches, Laurina has returned and is casually sitting in the rotunda (OMG, I seriously didn’t realize it was a fancy rotunda, I thought it was just a room in the mansion, I don’t know why I care so much about this) with Sam.

Sam: So how are you? Have you recovered from the mystery illness we’re not supposed to talk about?

Laurina: Pardon? I can’t hear you; my facelift has pulled my ears to the back of my skull.

 

GROUP DATE!

Into the Ford Focus with Voice Command (can you please pay me now, Ford?) and they are off for a day of competing for one man’s attention. Laurina doesn’t care where they go or what they do as long as it’s not to the street to eat street pie.

OMIGOD I AM TOO EXCITED! For this week’s totally gender empowering challenge, the ladies have to act like proper actors and Vader has to act like a proper straight man.

Guys, lucky Laurina is a model and has modelled many modelling things so she is obvi v v knowledgeable about The Heart Foundation. They are practically the same thing. Because charity.

The pair of bachelorettes with the best writing and acting skills will win a very special party at Blake’s Bachie Pad. Very special party? Bachie Pad? Obviously this means sex. Or animal sacrifice.

SO. MANY. JOKES. ABOUT. ACTING. AND. AWKWARD. KISSING. I. JUST. CANNOT. DEAL.

Guys, it’s all pretty bad, except when Richard Mercer gets topless and the bitches need to be hosed down.

Lisa and Sam are the lucky ladies with their Baywatch-themed shoot. I’m guessing Sam’s apt use of the phrase, “that’s enough pollywaffle,” is what tipped them over the edge. Jess/Elsa and Chantal go back to Fountain Gate and Laurina & Zoe are left to cry over their polyestaaaaaaah.

Vader whisks away his two semi-girlfriends for a night of romance and completely appropriate threesome dating.

Cue the most terrifying yet also heavenly interaction in the name of all that is holy…

Sitting on the couch, holding hands with Vader, Sam comes out with her confession that she could be falling in love with him and Lisa is f*$%ing sitting there watching them! I don’t….can’t….what…..help….no…..what….stop…don’t…hold me I’m having a melt down.

Moving right along, because if we dwell on this any longer my face might implode and melt all over me.

 

lisa sam

Staahhp! Staahp it!

 

COCKTAIL PARTY

Because ‘The Bachelor’ is ALL about symbolism and hidden meaning, the bitches are all dolled up in the left over ‘My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding’ dresses and masquerade masks. Because mystery.

Osher shows up for his requisite 3 minutes of air time and tells them that tonight will be ‘very different’. There will be no rose ceremony. Instead, Blake will hand out roses throughout the cocktail party. Woah, woah, woah…..woah. HOLD UP. Handing roses out over two hours is waaaaaaaay too different to handing roses out over 10 minutes. Guys, this is super serious. How will we cope? What is life? How could they DO this to us?!

Jess/Elsa has written Blake a sodding letter. It looks to be at least 15 pages, front and back. And who wants to bet that she dots her i’s with love hearts? Because Blake is under contract to only read the cue cards given to him by producers, he sits there and listens while she reads it to him. It is suuuuuuuuper boring. It’s the literature equivalent of sexy forehead touching. Whatever, it gets her a rose.

Blah blah it’s down to Laurina and Chantal. Obvi Laurina cannot go home because she is heaven in a smoothie, but Chantal is also not leaving because she is David Attenborough and without her no one will actually know what is going on.

Laurina cracks the sads and announces she cannot be bothered ‘dazzling’ Vader tonight because she has serious dazzle and has been dazzling him all over the place. Her bitch fit works and Richard Mercer finds her in the kitchen moping over her coconut water. Der-rama! Who will it be??

Cut to Chantal being hauled out into the garden looking bloody terrified.  Faaaaaaark…..it’s totally her. Osher’s Assistant is going home. I knew it. That stunning shade of lipstick she is wearing is not enough to save her. She is promptly put in the limo of doom and, like the true professional she is, expertly narrates her departure and the goings on of the episode as she is sped away from Bachelorland.

The remaining bitches are shocked. They don’t even TRY and look happy that Laurina is safe, despite the glorious stank-eye she gives them. No one really says anything. They all just sort of sit there looking at each other, waiting for Chantal to explain what happens next but…it never comes. David Attenborough is gone forever.

Join me next week when, without Chantal, we find the remaining bachelorettes still sitting around in their ballgowns, unsure of what to do or what to say.

 

Shit is gonna get cray.

 

david

Good luck without me, suckaaaaas

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: BitchCrashers

22 Aug

*INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT!*

Retrieve your weapons, kids. Intruder bitches have infiltrated the Bat Cave and are on the prowl for sexy time with Blake Vader.

But before we investigate this breach of security, we must backtrack a little to a simpler time when Richard Mercer managed to get himself a yacht…

We open with another “casual” group hang out on the patio, where the bitches are talking about going on dates with Blake…SURPRISE!

Osher has called in sick again and so his 2IC, Chantal, begins her weekly spiel of explaining all of the complex and intricate goings on at the Mansion. But, WHAT?! Osher shows up! Albeit for a moment to give the ladies a glimpse of his impressive new weave and drop off a date card. Chantal looks disappointed.

Jess/Elsa reads the card with enough wonderment on her face to stun an elephant. Looks like Lousie (the one with the permanent lipstick) is going on the individual date this time. From the clever wording of the date card, the bitches decipher this date will involve Vader’s favourite things: water and/or a boat. They jump up and down in excitement for him.

Cut to Vader himself, casually gazing at the horizon from atop said boat. He explains to the camera that Louise is the most glamorous of the bitches so he wants to see if she can let loose and have fun. With champagne and seafood on a luxury yacht on Sydney Harbor. Because money.

For realz, Vader’s idea of challenging Glamazon to let loose is taking her on an effing yacht cruise. There are people lining up at St Vinnie’s with Coles vouchers and this bitch is slumming it with a bottle of Bollinger. I hate them both.

Whatever, they are both looking v v nautical with monochrome and stripes. Vader once again manages to notice that she is “rocking” her off-the-shoulder dress. Honestly, next thing you know, he’ll be taking them all to Broadway Jazz lessons and teaching them how to sew sequins onto skinny jeans.

As she steps onto the floating mansion, Mufasa explains to Simba that, “everything the light touches is our kingdom.” Simba/Lousie looks happy. She’s imagining all the vintage earrings she’ll be able to wear when they entertain royal subjects.

 

simba mufasa 2

We own this joint

Hooray! We’re eight minutes in and Mufasa is shirtless. I knew he could only stay clothed for so long. Simba/Louise strips down to a designer one piece. Also white. I’m sensing a white theme here – white boat, white wine, white bathers, lame white girl. The Manly Ferry chugs past the White Floating Palace and all the passengers gawk at the nakedness. Regardless of the possible gay thing, he is just so burly. So very burly.

All this staring at his pecs makes Vader feels a little self conscious, so the Love Boat weighs anchor and he takes Simba/Louise down to the poopdeck.

Meanwhile, Chantal and Sam have a scripted bitch session about Canadian Horse Whisperer and Simba/Louise. Which has obviously been written by a man. FYI Channel 10, women are mean. Hire a female script writer for the love of God.

Anyhoo, Simba/Louise gets back from her pretentious day on a boat and the group date card arrives. But DER-RAMA! It simply says, “Cocktails & Dreams.” One of the bitches makes the observation that this date card is very vague on the details. No shit, babe. Here we were automatically assuming Tom Cruise would be visiting to make you all Midori Splices.

The bitches look nervous. Osher’s back from Pilates for the evening and this time it’s him who needs to steal Blake away. This makes the bitches even more nervous and they pout at each other awkwardly.

Outside, Vader assumes Osh is there to talk to him about Bachelor-y things. After all, this guy is a CLEO Bachelor of the Year profesh! But Osher drops the WORLD FIRST BOMBSHELL that nine bitches are just not enough for one man, and so some fresh slappers will be entering the Bat Cave tonight.

Richard Mercer does his very best stripper acting, pretending to look shocked. But like the pro he is, he dutifully strikes a pose at the bottom of the runway and awaits the next batch of crazies.

Mary arrives and she is actually terrifying. Like, she has snake eyes that could bore through a skull. Apparently Mary is an “acting student” and her dream man is a tall, gay stripper man on a reality show. Convenient. Being an actor and all, she should be used to being around gay guys, so obviously they click. Rachael is next and she is Holly 2.0. I’mma call her Hachael. Unfortunately for her, she is even less interesting than Holly 1 and seems to have forgotten how to make facial expressions.

We don’t get any montage of Anastasia or Tarni. All you need to know is that Anastasia has supremely large teeth and Tarni doesn’t appear to have any lips. (On her MOUTH…come on guys!) But is Tarni even a name? Thank Oprah Tiarni and Sharni have left because can you IMAGINE the confusion?!

The other girls are Lauren and Aley. An actor/dancer and fashion blogger respectively. I.e. a waitress and an online shopper. I’m seriously putting that Logie vote in for these job descriptions. All up, there are six Bitch Crashers. Now, I don’t wanna say who just yet, but I am pretty sure at least one of them has a penis.

To say the original bitches are pissed is an understatement like no other. They are SAAAAAAAAHH pissed you can almost see them turn red under the layers of fake tan.

Bane/Laurina has a HR meeting with Blake and informs him he has breached her trust and she’s going to report him to the Supervisor for emotional trauma. Her eyebrows try to cry but it’s a lost cause. But credit where credit’s due; Blake Vader might be Channel 10’s tall, chocolate puppet, but despite this, he pulls out some of the most impressive sweet talking since Boyz II Men’s last record. Laurina melts like Tori Spelling’s boobs on a hot day.

On the other hand Sam, who usually loves to announce to anybody with ears that she is funny and dorky, does a complete Linda Blair and 180-ies on poor Vader. He tries to talk to her privately too but she is not having a bar of it and all the other bitches are stunned because no one EVER says no to The Bachelor.

Eventually she agrees to go and chat outside and his voice over tells us that Sam was feeling a lot of feelings and feelings are important because he feels things for her in his feelings. Feelings. His voice drops so many octaves that he becomes inaudible again. Props to Sam for being able to decipher a bloody word of that. Whatever Trevor, must have worked, because she looks happy again and is escorted back to the Red Room of Pain. (While we’re on this, we were able to see Sam from the back as she walked into the Mansion, and jussayin, girlfriend needs to run a comb through that hair.)

Craydar readings are spiraling out of control inside, as Canadian Horse Whisperer loses her shit. Um…just quietly, bitch needs to Stem. Her. Flow. Not only is she crying and wailing and just being a complete nutcase, but she’s saying lots of big words like, “devalued” and “depreciating” and comparing this show to being on the stock market. Because dating nine girls is OK but dating fifteen girls is like, not OK and how very dare he depreciate her stock.

Call of the night, though, goes to Cara who proclaims that this incident is a, “travesty of justice.” Now, I’m not 100% sure this even makes logical sense, but if it does, I’d bet my weave that that is completely not what this is. Cara, your face is a travesty of justice.

ROSE CEREMONY

The original bitches are giving serious stank eye because Hachael/Holly 2.0 gets a rose BEFORE some of them! Her facial expression still doesn’t change though, in case you were wondering.

Then Mufasa goes to offer Canadian Horse Whisperer a rose, but something dramatic is happening and Omigosh she is mouthing “sorry” to the other bitches and hesitating and I can’t deal because is she quitting? My emotions are reaching breaking point because I hate her but I love her and I’m so torn I just can’t even! But then she storms out onto the balcony like a cry baby and every viewer in Australia is just thinking SHUT. IT. DOWN. But also don’t because this bitch is making my life.

Luckily for us, Vader offers her a lifetime supply of maple syrup and bacon and she pulls herself together and joins the other bitches in the Bat Cave. Crisis averted.

In case anybody cared, two of the intruder bitches don’t get a rose. The one without lips and another girl who needs a good steak sandwich and chips.

So now the numbers are back into the healthy two digits. Will Vader discover which intruder has man parts? Will we see Louise without red lipstick on? Will Sam borrow Cara’s brush and do her hair properly? Sah many questions.

Join me next week when Richard Mercer demonstrates the completely non-sexist values of this show by pitting the bitches against each other in a Bake-Off.

 

 

intruders

So much manliness