The Bachelor Season 3: The Mayor of Friendzone

11 Sep

Well at least we can agree something interesting happened tonight!

 

Just so we’re clear, this has pretty much been my face for the last 12 hours….

 

bachelor-emilyreaction

I’m not OK, guys.

I really wanted to follow in the footsteps of the Melbourne tram union and go out in protest, but then again, Oprah always tells us how important it is to sort through our feelings otherwise we end up constipated and wrinkly. Neither of these things suit me.

So it’s Home Visits night – the annual event of Bachie + Bitches + Bitches Families = Awkward Level 10. And, to an extent, it didn’t disappoint.

Woody started off doing some SERIOUS water thinking and then even more serious shaving thinking. Then shirtless shaving thinking. Wow. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many neurons firing at once.

I mean, he spent most of last episode assuring the bitches that his feelings for them are not about their families, but then explains tonight that meeting their families is a McBig Deal and could make or break his feelings. #logic.

HEATHER

Ok, so Cool But Not So Cool Girl Heather hinted at the fact that she “didn’t have a proper family” last episode. I joked about her collection of beanies (and homemade jewellery) standing in for them which I now feel a little bit bad about because her dad died.

It isn’t clear what happened with Mrs Heather, but that is irrelevant because all you need to know about is…

warwick

WARWICK.

Guys. Do NOT f*%$ with Warwick.

He is a bone fide Queensland farmer/steamroller who ain’t got time for nobody. The story behind Warwick is that Heather worked on his farm from a young age and he has been like a second father to her.

He is legit terrifying.

Woody shows up with his six-pack of Peroni and best button-up shirt and tries to play the “I’m from Tasmania mate, so I’m just like you. Cows and horses and nature and stuff” card. Bitch, please.

Warwick spends his screen time dropping truth bombs on Woody and Heather and not even cracking a smile. He makes Woody go through the remaining 4 girls one by one and list off what he’s attracted to in them. The best part of this is that Woody refers to each one as “Girl 1”, “Girl 2” and so on. It has about as much emotion to it as a scientist listing off his experiment subjects.

Nothing Woody says impresses Warwick and Australia lets out a collective cheer that Warwick should be elected the new ‘Farmer Wants a Wife’. I would watch the shit out of that.

He then takes Heather upstairs to a carved wooden swing, which I bet every bloody dollar I have that he made with his own bare hands. She tells him how crazy this experience has been and Warwick basically tells her that if Woody (or any other man she may come across) hurts her, he will get his shotgun off the wall and go postal.

LANA

Cue triumphant mist music as Woody and Lana meet atop a mountain somewhere in the NSW hinterland because Lana is v v travel. She only rendezvous on magic, mystical mountains.

Woody is still completely gaga for her and they spend a solid ten minutes staring at each other on a boat. And talking about how beautiful the scenery is. I feel like I’ve seen this before…

They arrive at Lana’s house and are greeted by Mrs Lana and a mystery blonde lady. Mystery blonde lady doesn’t seem too phased by this whole business and just continues to carve up a delicious South Cape cheese platter. Because South Cape is obviously a sponsor of this show, and because I love cheese more than a lot of things, here is a picture of South Cape cheese. South Cape, can you please send me some delicious South Cape cheese now??

south cape

True love.

Mrs Lana uses a paper thin excuse to get Woody alone “downstairs” and ask him important mum questions. Lana looks worried. I think she’s scared her mum is going to show him pictures of her without her hair swept to one side.

Blah blah blah my daughter is too good for you blah blah blah don’t make her move to Melbourne you mean Bachelor man.

Nothing else interesting happens.

SARAH

Sigh. I like Sarah. But her and Woody combined are just a very large Vanilla Milkshake.

Vanilla Milkshake start off with a fancy picnic by a beach box. Reports say beach box belongs to her family. Her family got money.

Mrs Sarah puts on her Pottery Barn apron and takes Woody into the herb garden (no seriously, it was seriously a garden dedicated to herbs) and that’s when Twitter delivered this:

prue

#accurate.

She lays down the gauntlet with this gem: “If your personality was an animal, what would it be?”

Obvi he tells her he’s a puppy. Because woolly mammoth or komodo dragon would probably scare her off. Does Woody know that puppies pee on everything and eat their own vomit??

Me? I’d be a domestic cat. I’m lazy and like people to pat me.

Blah blah they all have dinner at Sarah’s fancy house with her parents, cousins and grandma. Who is barely shown. FYI, Channel 10; nanas make excellent television. Fact. I want more nana time.

sarah nana

I bet you were more interesting than everyone else.

PARMIGIANA

Woody can no longer imagine Parmigiana’s daughter to be some well-loved Cabbage Patch Doll because she is HERE IN THE FLESH!

Little Kiev is super excited to see her mum and the guy who made her mum catch farm animals for him.

She has come prepared with a long list of questions, one of which requires Woody to name the capital of some sort of exotic country. He can’t do it. Geography was not Woody’s strong area in high school. The other question is, “Do you like One Direction?”

More big questions to ponder.

kiev

Do you love my mum? Tick YES or NO.

The three of them then retire to Parmigiana’s family home to have dinner with all of Perth. There are like, 100 people in that house and food for 200. It’s impressive.

If I were Woody, Parma would have this in the bag. I love a meat spread.

Parmigiana’s father doesn’t seem too phased by the guy dating his daughter as well as three other bitches, so he passes on grilling duties to Parma’s brother; the baby-faced assassin.

This guy is Warwick 2.0: The Europe Experience. I mean, Hell hath no fury like a protective ethnic brother. He accuses Woody of trying to steal Parma away from their family, and is definitely not impressed by the fact he is a communal boyfriend to three other women.

Meanwhile, Parmigiana looks genuinely shocked that her sister isn’t totally on board with this husband competition.

Whatever. Once the pastrami is packed away, they pash outside and Woody goes on his merry way.

NON-COCKTAIL PARTY

There isn’t really a cocktail party tonight. The four bitches just kind of stand on the balcony, looking concerned and reflective.

Woody is hidden in his secret Bachie pen, swiping through his potential wives on an iPad. #romance.

ROSE CEREMONY

Just typing this is already bringing tears to my eyes. I wish I could mask the pain with sarcastic jokes, but I don’t think I can.

I honestly thought Sarah was gone. I mean, Parmigiana is safe because what an A-grade douche Woody would look like sending her home immediately after meeting her real-life daughter.

And Lana is obvi safe because Woody appears to still be hypnotised by her big eyes and travel lifestyle.

And OBVIOUSLY Heather is also safe because they are in love and she is going to win…..

What just happened?

Sarah just got the first rose.

Parmigiana gets the second.

It is between Cool Girl and Travel Girl. I legit can feel my heart rate shoot through my nostriles. WHAT IS HAPPENING??!!!

Heather is going home.

That’s what is happening.

I think I screamed like a banshee. Then blacked out.

This is not OK.

I am not OK with this.

Cool But Not So Cool Girl, the only one with any smidgen of a real personality, has been friend-zoned in the most brutal way and will now return with her carton of beers to take over Jacinda’s duties as Mayor of said Friendzone.

It is fecking heart-breaking. It is literally like the time Joffrey killed Ned Stark on ‘Game of Thrones’.

I think I might be a little too invested in this show.

heather sad

Winter is definitely not coming.

If I ever do run into Sam Wood, I am going to punch him in the anal glands.

tyra

I’m out. x

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