It’s time to get down and dirty ladies! Or not really dirty at all, despite the constant reminders.
This week was all about nature. Blake opened the episode by downgrading his yacht from last week, and instead, manning a kayak/canoe/dingy thing. I’m obviously not one for nautical terms, but basically it required him to not wear a shirt. Because water.
There was no time for mucking around tonight because we were jumping straight into the individual date…which went to White Rose Holly. Now, can I just say, if you got the white rose on the first night, wouldn’t you expect to be taken on the first date, because obvi he likes you better then those other bitches? Or is that too logical? Whatever, like any good Goal Attack, she snagged the shot.
Blake, who for the rest of this blog will be known as Vin Diesel, banged on about how he needed to up the ante on these dates and pretended to have organised a bloody sea plane. I would have paid good money to see him actually try and fly that thing. But I got distracted by Holly’s INAPPROPRIATE SHORTS! Call me a prude if you must, but I just cannot get on board with fully grown women who wear shorts with the pockets hanging down their legs. You are trying to bag a husband, not a vagina tan.
So they take off in the sea plane, and it’s all Seven Days, Seven Nights, except Holly isn’t a pretend lesbian (if you don’t get this reference, I’m not sure we can be friends). She gushes a bit about the effort Blake has gone to for her; and it’s once again obvious to everyone not on this date that Vin Diesel has simply read his call sheet, put on a shirt (boo) and pretended to know what’s going on.
Blah blah they fly in the plane and then they’re on the beach. As they come over the sand dunes, I legit think the Australian Children’s Choir is there to sing them I Still Call Australia Home. Unfortunately, no. But it IS an orchestra. Because what else adds to the romance of a date on the beach than a 20-person orchestra? Goal Attack is impressed because the water works start immediately. Although I wouldn’t be surprised if that was more to do with the epic wedgie those butt pants were giving her.
Meanwhile, Osher is back with his kale smoothie group date card at the mansion. And then it hits me: Ladies, are you aware that you are standing in the presence of CLEO’S Bachelor of the Year 2004?! HOW HAS THIS NEVER BEEN MENTIONED?! All of a sudden, I have new found respect for Osher. Well, not really, but still.
So errybody is hating on Laurina since she admitted to not already being pregnant with Blake’s babies. I mean, how daaaaare she want to get to know him before she falls in love with him! Obviously we hate her. But apparently we all love Anita, despite the look she gives when not invited on the group date having the power to make my ovaries shrivel up and die.
While Laurina’s eyebrows are feeling the heat, Goal Attack and Vin Diesel have settled themselves on a conveniently placed bench, complete with vintage lamps and a cheese platter. GA says netball a lot and explains that she’s had to live interstate for her sport before. In other words, she stayed at the Best Western Newcastle a few times. And then OMIGOD they awkward kiss! Half cheek, half lips…even Diesel is embarrassed. It’s beyond amazing. Because what’s the bet she’ll go home and play coy? Babe, he face-planted your chin. That’s not chemistry; that’s alcohol. And in celebration of Holly’s return, the other bitches are having a onesie party because maturity.
Group date time!
The ladies all show up in the same denim shirts and designer vests, except for Laurina who is rocking the side boob. BUT DER-RAMA! Canada has a bitch fit because there are horses and she is allergic to horses! NOOOOO!!! It’s just so awful that she has a full blown melt down and effs off back home while the other girls practically salivate with glee.
Osher and his flannelette shirt are back and he keeps saying “country” and “get your hands dirty”. Because nature. There is nature everywhere. A.k.a some rich person’s property in suburban Sydney. With a mechanical bull. No word of a lie, THAT’S the “get down and dirty” part. Here I was expecting them to clean up horse poo or birth a live cow, but no, evidently they are going to prove their devotion to Vader by being sluts on a mechanical bull. Because dignity.
Boring boring boring, Laurina and her side boob wins.
On their return, the bitches all get drunk in a barn and dance like Delta Goodrem. FYI Vader, there is nothing sexy about a barn dance. Nothing. Particularly when everyone is white. Long story short, no one gets the early rose and it’s very uneventful. Look, I don’t wanna be a whinger, but this whole episode was a little bit of a fizzer….
Until the Cocktail Party!
Vin Diesel has an inexplicable urge to speak with Anita and doesn’t seem to notice her entire body shaking with the pure strength of her voodoo spell. But before the poor bastard can lose his manhood, they are interrupted by Laurina’s eyebrows. Anita slinks off looking like a sad ventriloquist puppet and NO ONE IS HAPPY ABOUT IT! Yes, that’s right, everyone feels sorry for creepy dolly and throws a ‘We Hate Laurina’ party right there on the spot. Canada chucks one of her famous adult tanties about something no one cares about or understands. Laurina’s face most likely.
Laurina then returns to the passive aggressive party and cops a full on beating from Sam’s inner bogan. I KNEW that two-toned hair existed for a reason! Maybe I underestimated that girl. Stay tuned for a girl on girl smack down.
All of a sudden, it’s the rose ceremony and, can I just say, how happy I am that the Batman theme music has made a return? And keeping in the theme of over-produced tension, Holly pretends to feel sick and drags Vader outside with her, presumably to shoot for goal? Which gets me thinking; where is the white rose? Is it still a thing? Can Blake not think 2 weeks ahead? WHY isn’t it a sex rose? So many questions…
It bloody doesn’t make an appearance, instead we have to settle for regular red roses this week and, at the end of the day, Amanda misses out. Not to be totally racist, but I’m pretty sure she was the only one left who had any sort of ethnicity in her that wasn’t lame white girl. Coincidence?
Whatever. I’m hoping for better things next week. I know he’s pretty, Channel 10, but can we at least try and make him interesting?
P.S. So I’m totally leaving for Vietnam tomorrow. Which means I will miss tomorrow’s episode. Yes, I’m bloody devastated. BUT, stay tuned for a double-banger next week upon my return. Please don’t judge me; I’m turning 30 this weekend and I’m 3 hours younger in Vietnam, so…
Where ARE the kids from the QANTAS ad when you need them?
That's What She Said... 
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