Tag Archives: anita

The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: The One With All the Losers

25 Sep

The losers bitches are back, peeps!

So, because The Bachelor is all about female empowerment and reminding us women just how bloody awesome we are, tonight’s episode centres around the following premise: Hey, all you ladies threw yourselves at this guy and he rejected your asses, so we thought we’d put you all together in a room so you could watch him pash on with other bitches and then talk about how much he loves other said bitches!

Weeeeee! Applause to you, Channel 10.

And applause to you, Osher. I think we can safely say that, tonight, Osh was workin hard for the monaay. This is why he has been so AWOL of late; he’s been building his strength at his local barre class in anticipation for this epic episode.

Putting to good use his unquestionable interview/host skills, most recently seen in Australian Idol, Osh is doin what he does best by recapping the der-rama of the past few weeks through facilitating an ex-bitches bitch forum (and doin a little bit of judging along the way.) All the bitches are here…like, all of them. They are in their best midriff ensembles and they are out for blood.

* In case you hadn’t noticed, tonight’s episode actually has nothing to do with the home visits (waah) and there is very little Blake Vader to point and laugh at; Channel 10 are trying to milk this baby for all it’s worth and so tonight is ALL about a trip down memory lane. (Also, they’ve exhausted their budget and Velocity Points by flying all remaining cast members to their respective homes around eastern Australia, so we hadda buy some time.)

So first of all: who ARE all these bitches? Yes, I’d had a few champs the night of the premiere, but I swear to Oprah that I do not recall half of the faces in the back row. Not that that matters, because none of them say anything of note…actually, they aren’t even looked at by Osher’s hair because they are big losers who didn’t make it through the first two episodes and no one likes them and they just sit there yawning and wondering when they’re going to be getting their one year membership to Fitness First and a guest spot on The Living Room. 

Guys, guys! The effing great news is Anita is back. And thank you, God, we get to see her sing her stalky song to Vader again. In case you were wondering, it’s just as good the second time around. Admittedly, Anita does tell us that she is, “…not a singer,” but continues to demonstrate that she is adorably crazy and is probably planning to single-white-female one of the remaining girls to get back on the show. Gawd I miss her.

Canadian Horse Whisperer and Laurina/Bane have a make up session.

Laurina: I’m sorry you’re allergic to horses.

CHW: I’m sorry I called you fake, but you are kind of fake.

Laurina: You have a really big “personality”.

CHW: You have really big eyebrows.  We are best friends. Maple Syrup.

 

Not content with Laurina getting all the attention, Osh has a sit-down with Canadian Horse Whisperer and they deconstruct all of her adult tanties and body con dresses and, wait…did Canadian Horse Whisperer and Osher just do flirting? Guys, I feel weird. Someone get me a Gaviscon.

 

OMIGOD I FINALLY SAW LAURINA IMITATE JESS/ELSA AND IT IS EVERYTHING I HOPED IT WOULD BE!

Laurina also gets one-on-one time with Osh and, for some reason, all the best bits are shown now that weren’t shown when she was actually ON the show and now I feel duped. I mean, if I’d have known she went on that fateful bowling/Street Pie date in a satin dress without underwear maybe I wouldn’t have been so judgmental. Ladies, come on. Remember the last time you went commando on a date night? The only thing you were up for was sitting very still on a padded chair and drinking until you felt comfortable telling your date that you left your underwear at home. If someone had asked me to go bowling whilst free-balling in a satin dress, I’m preeeetty sure my response would be something like this…

 

no

The moral of the story is this: I farking miss you, Laurina. Even Osher’s badly disguised judgment at your Passions of the Christ/Sky Diving ordeal didn’t deter you; you are still my Kanye and I will wait patiently in the middle of South Yarra everyday with my Laurina flag and my #DirtyStreetPie until you decide we can be besties.

Blah blah blah the intruder bitches are interviewed etc. “It was really hard…we had good intentions…we are totally still relevant…”

I should mention that I am three drinks to the wind at this point, so I got a little bit over it. And I wanted Vader/Parental action. Honestly, the loser bitches also looked hell bored too. One of them unashamedly YAWNS AND ROLLS HER EYES AT THE CAMERA. Gosh it was good.

Who’s not a giver of f*#^s?

who-1

This guy. (At least I think it was this guy)

We finish off the ep with Osher forcing the loser bitches to hedge their bets on which remaining bitch they would want to see their ex boyfriend try and marry because that is a totally normal way to deal.

LOUISE

I was right. All she talks about is baking and the loser bitches all confirm that. They discuss her baking and how she is totes ‘Stepford’ and that they didn’t think she had a chance in hell, but now they are second guessing themselves because maybe Blake only likes girls with one serious hobby and bright lipstick.

JESS

Did they kiss on the first date? Did they not kiss on the first date? Does anyone still give a shit? I know I do not.  Ladies, I think the thing we SHOULD be discussing is how it takes Jess a week and a half to get out a sentence lately. “Myyyyy ……hhhhhearrrt…..it’s beeeeeating so faaaaast.”

LISA

She is normal so no one has much to say about her. Except that she’s hot. Seems legit.

SAM

OMIGOD SHE IS SO GOOFY AND FUNNY I HAVE NEVER MET ANYONE LIKE HER SHE IS THE BEST EVER REMEMBER WHEN SHE PUT MINTS IN HER BRA!

Cut to a montage of Blake kissing all of the aforementioned girls and my head is in the toilet.

Join me tomorrow when, word on the street is, Richard Mercer has a full-on Bachelor breakdown and cries. Maybe he’s allergic to horses too. Or just parents. Hard to say…

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The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: Save a Horse, Ride a Bachelor

6 Aug

It’s time to get down and dirty ladies! Or not really dirty at all, despite the constant reminders.

This week was all about nature. Blake opened the episode by downgrading his yacht from last week, and instead, manning a kayak/canoe/dingy thing.  I’m obviously not one for nautical terms, but basically it required him to not wear a shirt.  Because water.

There was no time for mucking around tonight because we were jumping straight into the individual date…which went to White Rose Holly.  Now, can I just say, if you got the white rose on the first night, wouldn’t you expect to be taken on the first date, because obvi he likes you better then those other bitches?  Or is that too logical? Whatever, like any good Goal Attack, she snagged the shot.

Blake, who for the rest of this blog will be known as Vin Diesel, banged on about how he needed to up the ante on these dates and pretended to have organised a bloody sea plane.  I would have paid good money to see him actually try and fly that thing. But I got distracted by Holly’s INAPPROPRIATE SHORTS! Call me a prude if you must, but I just cannot get on board with fully grown women who wear shorts with the pockets hanging down their legs.  You are trying to bag a husband, not a vagina tan.

So they take off in the sea plane, and it’s all Seven Days, Seven Nights, except Holly isn’t a pretend lesbian (if you don’t get this reference, I’m not sure we can be friends).  She gushes a bit about the effort Blake has gone to for her; and it’s once again obvious to everyone not on this date that Vin Diesel has simply read his call sheet, put on a shirt (boo) and pretended to know what’s going on.

Blah blah they fly in the plane and then they’re on the beach.  As they come over the sand dunes, I legit think the Australian Children’s Choir is there to sing them I Still Call Australia Home.  Unfortunately, no.  But it IS an orchestra.  Because what else adds to the romance of a date on the beach than a 20-person orchestra?  Goal Attack is impressed because the water works start immediately.  Although I wouldn’t be surprised if that was more to do with the epic wedgie those butt pants were giving her.

Meanwhile, Osher is back with his kale smoothie group date card at the mansion. And then it hits me: Ladies, are you aware that you are standing in the presence of CLEO’S Bachelor of the Year 2004?! HOW HAS THIS NEVER BEEN MENTIONED?! All of a sudden, I have new found respect for Osher.  Well, not really, but still.

So errybody is hating on Laurina since she admitted to not already being pregnant with Blake’s babies.  I mean, how daaaaare she want to get to know him before she falls in love with him! Obviously we hate her. But apparently we all love Anita, despite the look she gives when not invited on the group date having the power to make my ovaries shrivel up and die.

While Laurina’s eyebrows are feeling the heat, Goal Attack and Vin Diesel have settled themselves on a conveniently placed bench, complete with vintage lamps and a cheese platter. GA says netball a lot and explains that she’s had to live interstate for her sport before. In other words, she stayed at the Best Western Newcastle a few times. And then OMIGOD they awkward kiss! Half cheek, half lips…even Diesel is embarrassed.  It’s beyond amazing. Because what’s the bet she’ll go home and play coy? Babe, he face-planted your chin. That’s not chemistry; that’s alcohol. And in celebration of Holly’s return, the other bitches are having a onesie party because maturity.

Group date time!

The ladies all show up in the same denim shirts and designer vests, except for Laurina who is rocking the side boob. BUT DER-RAMA! Canada has a bitch fit because there are horses and she is allergic to horses!  NOOOOO!!! It’s just so awful that she has a full blown melt down and effs off back home while the other girls practically salivate with glee.

Osher and his flannelette shirt are back and he keeps saying “country” and “get your hands dirty”. Because nature.  There is nature everywhere. A.k.a some rich person’s property in suburban Sydney.  With a mechanical bull.  No word of a lie, THAT’S the “get down and dirty” part.  Here I was expecting them to clean up horse poo or birth a live cow, but no, evidently they are going to prove their devotion to Vader by being sluts on a mechanical bull.  Because dignity.

Boring boring boring, Laurina and her side boob wins.

On their return, the bitches all get drunk in a barn and dance like Delta Goodrem.  FYI Vader, there is nothing sexy about a barn dance. Nothing. Particularly when everyone is white. Long story short, no one gets the early rose and it’s very uneventful.  Look, I don’t wanna be a whinger, but this whole episode was a little bit of a fizzer….

Until the Cocktail Party!

Vin Diesel has an inexplicable urge to speak with Anita and doesn’t seem to notice her entire body shaking with the pure strength of her voodoo spell. But before the poor bastard can lose his manhood, they are interrupted by Laurina’s eyebrows. Anita slinks off looking like a sad ventriloquist puppet and NO ONE IS HAPPY ABOUT IT! Yes, that’s right, everyone feels sorry for creepy dolly and throws a ‘We Hate Laurina’ party right there on the spot. Canada chucks one of her famous adult tanties about something no one cares about or understands. Laurina’s face most likely.

Laurina then returns to the passive aggressive party and cops a full on beating from Sam’s inner bogan.  I KNEW that two-toned hair existed for a reason! Maybe I underestimated that girl. Stay tuned for a girl on girl smack down.

All of a sudden, it’s the rose ceremony and, can I just say, how happy I am that the Batman theme music has made a return? And keeping in the theme of over-produced tension, Holly pretends to feel sick and drags Vader outside with her, presumably to shoot for goal? Which gets me thinking; where is the white rose? Is it still a thing? Can Blake not think 2 weeks ahead? WHY isn’t it a sex rose? So many questions…

It bloody doesn’t make an appearance, instead we have to settle for regular red roses this week and, at the end of the day, Amanda misses out. Not to be totally racist, but I’m pretty sure she was the only one left who had any sort of ethnicity in her that wasn’t lame white girl. Coincidence?

 

Whatever. I’m hoping for better things next week. I know he’s pretty, Channel 10, but can we at least try and make him interesting?

 

P.S. So I’m totally leaving for Vietnam tomorrow.  Which means I will miss tomorrow’s episode. Yes, I’m bloody devastated. BUT, stay tuned for a double-banger next week upon my return. Please don’t judge me; I’m turning 30 this weekend and I’m 3 hours younger in Vietnam, so…

 

 

qantas ic

Where ARE the kids from the QANTAS ad when you need them?

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: A Tall Drink of Hot Chocolate

31 Jul

Welcome back friends!

First of all, thank you so very much for all the feedback I’ve received about my Season 1 ramblings on everybody’s fav reality show.  Second of all… SQUEEEEEE! Like Britney before him, Bachelor 2014 is back, bitch!

But the WORST thing possible happened!  The night of the much-anticipated premiere, I found myself quite indisposed at my place of work for our school production.  Hence why this post is somewhat late on the uptake.  But I do promise to stay on top of the Bachelor from now on, ifyouknowhaddimean? (In fact, I’m sitting here at work with my headphones on, eating Lite’n’Easy and snorting in delight.)

So who has taken the Bachelor crown from last year’s shirtless “chiropractor” Tim?*

Ladies and gay men, please meet Blake Garvey. He’s 31, a real estate auctioneer (I didn’t know that was a full-time job) and from Perth.  Which is near the beach.  Hence Channel 10 have legit reasons to get him shirtless and looking pensive on a cliff.  Yes.

But then this is juxtaposed with shots of him putting on a v fancy white shirt that’s so tight we can practically see his nips.  Not such a terrible thing, so I’ll let that one slide.  He tells us that he’s working towards opening his own real estate agency.  Bless him.  Homes for Hotties or Ripped Real Estate I can see happening.  But as we all know, this is just a clever ruse for the fact that, like his greasy predecessor, Blake “dabbled” in stripping.  Of course he did.

I have already taken to nicknaming him Blake Vader. Because that be an impressive Batman voice he’s got there to go with his chocolate, shaved head goodness.  And, lesbihonest, I would climb that like a tree.

Quick trip down memory lane to inform us of Blake’s tough childhood.  In a nutshell, he was raised by a mum with dimples you could serve dip out of and a grandmother with more sass than Shirley McLaine with PMS.  Needless to say, I love them both.

Anyway, boring.  BRING ON THE BITCHES!

First of all, Blake needs to have an awkward chat with Osher about his dream girl.  Beautiful eyes, beautiful smile, blah blah.  We know.  Meanwhile, Osher looks like he’s done a few months on the Paleo diet – looking all jawline and hungry eyes.  Welcome back, Osh.  Hope the catering on set is substantial.

This year’s premiere cocktail soiree should have been called ‘The Sparkle, Sparkle, Singing Party!’  Because true to form, the costume designers have raided Brynne Edelsten’s wardrobe and decked out our lovely bachelorettes in enough sequins to blind a bitch.  Countless slappers make their way out of the limo and teeter down the pathway towards their ticket to D-list fame potential dream guy. In the interest of saving time (because Osher’s insightful mathematics have reminded me that there are 24 ladies to get through), here are my favs:

Holly.  First girl off the starting line.  She’s an “athlete”.  Sooooo…she plays netball for her local team.  I’m gonna guess she’s a Goal Attack.

Anita.  My favorite so far and clearly a relative of Ali from last year.  Poor Anita admits she’s a dog groomer and, therefore, “doesn’t see humans.” She also mustn’t speak with them often, because the girl is more tongue-tied than Shia LeBeouf.  “I’m a killer for a smile,” she gushes, as her limo pulls up with two other crazy (and now terrified) bitches.  Once she arrives at the bottom of Mt Blake, she proclaims he must have a, “…small mouth” and then does something that makes me so happy I could cry.  She sings. Yep, she sings an awkward little ditty about ‘finding you’ and love and stuff while never breaking eye contact with the poor guy.  Somewhere there is a Channel 10 executive just loving himself sick for finding her.

Diana.  Like the princess.  Everything about this girl is offensive.  I could almost forgive the creepy collection of stuffed toys and Disney paraphernalia; everyone needs friends, after all.  But the fact that she shows up with a tiara on her head and gives Darth a plastic crown worthy of a Hungry Jack’s party just makes me want to smite her.  Touche, Channel 10.

Sam/Samantha.  Now there are actually TWO of them – Sam and Samantha.  Sam is the one who admits she wears fake tan and has the winning bitch face so far.  Samantha is the one who had a few too many champs in the limo and gave Barry White a Tinman beanie bear because Tinman was also “looking for love”.  No, he was a f***ing man made of tin who rusted over in a deserted forrest and DIDN’T HAVE A HEART.  But A for Effort.

And then Kat makes an appearance with a guitar!  MORE SINGING!  And then I can’t even deal because she’s singing and Darth is dancing awkwardly and it’s just a hot mess.  Whoever taught him how to work a stripper’s pole needs to be stood down, just sayin.

Laurina.  First of all, not a name.  But Instagram went OFF CHOPS about her supposed style. I guess she was the only one not in a sequined or backless number. But she sounds like she’s fresh off the train from Narre Warren. Laurina is a “fashion entrepreneur” i.e. she works in retail.  Good God I want to meet the writers who come up with these job descriptions.  They deserve their own Logies.

Okay, we get inside and Osher reveals the secret behind THE WHITE ROSE.  Lots of bitches look shocked.  So does Darth.  Which is surprising.  Unfortunately, the WHITE ROSE is not the sex rose as I had hoped it would be, but a stupid and unnecessary gimmick that guarantees the lady of choice not one, but TWO weeks in the Mansion that no one on this show can actually afford.  I mean, I would feel totally honored to know a guy definitely wanted to see me for another fortnight.  How LUCKY.  Snore.  Garvey Goal Attack Holly gets it.  Whatevs.

Next is 30 odd minutes of champagne, passive aggressive bitchy remarks and women hiding in bushes.

Blake Vader dishes out the roses and three girls who barely got a mention miss out.  And then so does Samantha.  I guess that beanie bear was lost on him.  I wonder if he’ll give it to Diana for her voodoo collection?

More importantly, Anita and Diana both make it through, thank God.  I really want to see them make friends and play Barbie’s together.  Or maybe Anita will unleash the cocker spaniel she smuggled in and kill them all.  Whichever.

 

Are you as excited as I am for this new season? Well, strap yourself in because we are go for Operation Crazy Bitches II.

 

 

*If any of you are still not sold on the fact that last year’s Bach was actually a party stripper in disguise, then this…..

tim

 

You’re welcome.

 

 

 

 

 

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