I got real excited about tonight’s episode. Like really. There was gonna be street pie, and Laurina crying and hopefully many drama. But tbh, I was left a little…disappointed. Like the families of all the women on this show. There was *spoiler alert* no rose ceremony, no shirtless Vader on/in water and no group date.
I don’t wanna be the one to say it, but someone is getting lazy and I do not appreciate.
Anyhoo, the bitches are all crowded around the Mess Hall talking about who has the biggest My Little Pony collection. Not to be outdone, Osher blows in the doorway for a mere moment to drop a bomb; there will be NO group date this week – just three individual dates. That’s three WHOLE girls who get time with Richard Mercer. Before he can say too much, or anyone can ask about the white rose (I’m sorry, but WHERE is it?! WHEEERRRRRRRRRREEEEE??) Osh is off again before his organic oatmeal goes cold.
The bitches have been studying their Maths revision, and deduce that because there are THREE date cards and THREE new bitches, then those three new bitches must be getting the three dates. Obvi Canadian Horse Whisperer takes this very insensitive comment personally and cannot actually believe that her besties would say something so hurtful to her and her bacon.
Poor Amber. I mean, tonight is the night she realises she is the only original bitch who hasn’t had a date because she is great f*#^ing television and pissing her off every week is giving me things to write about.
Blah blah she doesn’t get the date because everyone hates her. Who does get the date though, is Sam, Lauren and *gasp* Laurina/Bane!
Sam takes the news like a champ and realises she better go shave her legs. She is f*#^ing growing on me. Although, lesbihonest, I am really hoping she’s being taken to a hairdresser to touch up those terrible roots, jussayin.
Lauren tells us how SUPER SPECIAL she feels being Date 2 of 3. I mean, who could blame her.
Laurina/Bane’s eyebrows practically get airborne.
Because there is no group date to eat up the budget this week, the show runners have gone all out by teaming with the theme for each date.
Date 1
Sam’s theme? Field of Dreams. They are flying over Sydney in a helicopter and she asks Vader where they’re going to land and he just has… no… bloody… idea. He attempts to improvise but the assistant director is just telling him to shut it down.
They get to a v romantic picnic in a field of horses (thank Bryan Adams Canadian Horse Whisperer isn’t here) and I don’t know if anyone noticed but THERE IS AN EFFING GLOBE SITTING THERE AS IN THE 3D ATLAS I HAD IN GRADE 5! I’m waiting for Vader to spin the thing and point to all the countries he’s stripped in, but alas, it doesn’t happen.
It’s overall pretty boring, except there is a funny moment when Sam talks about how scared she gets of putting herself out there which is why she auditioned for a reality TV show so bitches like me could mock her.
Who doesn’t love a smart globe?
Date 2
Newbie Lauren gets the theme of Italy. Richard Mercer picks her up in, what I assume is, an Italian car. (Look, you could slap a Mazzarati symbol on a Barina and I’d believe it was from Italy. You wanna Mazzarati? You better werk, bitch…sorry).
They sit at a table with a red and white checked tablecloth and eat spaghetti. Because Italy. Vader even toasts to Italy. It’s really shit.
(It is at this point that my own manfriend went out into the night and bought me a bottle of wine. For realz, we should have our own reality show where we date except no one would watch it because we are really boring and do nothing.)
Where was I?
Newbie Lauren gets rose, which is a win. The rest I forget, I was getting drunk.
Italy.
Date 3
Eeeeeeee!! Laurina/Bane has put on her Sunday best and is just dying to get her fancy on. Babe, dunno how I feel about satin mini dresses in the daytime, but each to their own.
Laurina’s eyebrows are just swooning all over the place about the potential fancy stuff they might do and everyone is dying because we know exactly where this is going.
Mufasa leads her to the local Strike Bowling Bar. HashtagFun.
They lace up their two-toned shoes and Laurina’s eyebrows try and act normal by putting hashtags at the beginning of all her sentences. However, it becomes pretty clear that she sucks; at both bowling and acting. HashtagCraft. Actually, they both really suck. Until Vader asks her to put a wager on the game. Suddenly, Laurina’s eyebrows are reanimated and she claims that, should she win, he must take her on a super romantic, fancy, luxurious date. Vader agrees and then tells her that if he is the victor he gets anal.
Back at the quadrangle, the A group sit around playing Uno, because Uno is rad. HashtagSerious.
Lucky for us, Laurina’s eyebrows win the game and she cannot even stem her flow because she is throwing “luxurious” and “fine dining” ALL over the place.
In the car, Richard Mercer tells her he is super excited to take her to this place for dinner because lots of totes famous people go there. Obvi this is a high priority for any restaurant Laurina/Bane goes to so she tells us this is acceptable.
They rock up to a pie van. HashtagCleanEating.
Now, I don’t know about you, but I have never heard of this place, but I could guarantee that if I was walking home shit-faced with my bra hanging out I would be happy to bloody move in. But as far as I can see, Vader and Bane are relatively sober.
And Laurina/Bane IS. HATING. IT.
It’s kind of like watching someone getting set up on You’re on Candid Camera. It’s awkward, but you cannot look away. At this point, I’m betting Vader wishes he took Jess/Elsa here instead, because we know she just loves ALL the things.
Laurina/Bane asks if they have soy milk and the chick on night pie duty looks like she might choke.
A devastated Laurina manages to settle for regular milk in her cappuccino and makes it all the way to the benches before she loses her shit.
Apparently she is much more clue-y than first thought, because she seems to have picked up on the fact that she is being deliberately baited by the producers. Well, maybe not THAT clue-y since she thinks it’s Vader who is actually to blame. Babe, how many times do I gotta tell you? HE DOESN’T KNOW ANYTHING! The dude barely knows how to tie his shoelaces. Obviously he is v v shocked that she doesn’t fancy dirty street pie and quickly tries to remedy this by dragging her to a park bench surrounded by many many candles. HashtagFireHazard.
Luckily someone on the executive board has pulled out the big guns and had Laurina’s own pet dog, Bambi, flown in to set. The arrival of said dog basically erases all memories of the dirty street pie and Vader looks bloody relieved.
Bambi, meanwhile, is bloody terrified when Laurina happily brings him back to the mansion to meet all the other bitches. HashtagSaveBambi.
Cocktail Party!
It’s Hachael/Holly 2.0’s birthday tonight. Is she 50? Is she 20? It’s SO hard to say. Whatever, as usual she looks suitably indifferent.
On the other hand, Canadian Horse Whisperer’s Resting Bitch Face is reaching critical level as Richard Mercer proceeds to ask pretty much every other girl to accompany him outside in the moonlight. In protest, CHW stalks off into another room WITH her handbag, guys, which we all know is International Hag code for “You Are The Worst Gay Husband Ever.”
Like the good lapdog he is, Vader finds her and her handbag in no time and FINALLY takes her for a romantic chat out in the garden IKEA built.
But what what what what what what is going on I THINK HE’S LETTING HER GO AND I DID NOT EVEN SEE THAT COMING I THOUGHT SHE WAS GOING TO COOK HIM WAFFLES AND I AM NOT OK WITH THIS!!?? Something something about not having a spark and before anyone can say Maple Syrup, she’s gone.
Amber was pretty much Heather Locklear from Melrose Place; without her, everything sucks. Thank God I got that bottle of wine to cope with my pain.
To get his paycheck this week, Osher comes back for two minutes to tell the bitches that, “something has happened that will affect ALL of you! Blake’s lover, Antonio, is here and he is PISSED! Amber and Blake have had a serious conversation about their relationship, and decided that he doesn’t like her that much so he sent her packing. There will be no rose ceremony this week.”
The remaining bitches are so very very bad at pretending to be upset that it’s almost offensive. Canadian Horse Whisperer deserved more than that, guys.
“I think it’s best for her,” says Zoe as she tries and fails to fight off a bitchy smirk.
Ding dong the Canadian is dead and all the crazy munchkins are rejoicing in Bachelorland and I no longer have a reason to live.
Pass the pie.
I miss you already, Heather
That's What She Said... 
Your blog posts almost make me want to watch this show.
Almost.