The losers bitches are back, peeps!
So, because The Bachelor is all about female empowerment and reminding us women just how bloody awesome we are, tonight’s episode centres around the following premise: Hey, all you ladies threw yourselves at this guy and he rejected your asses, so we thought we’d put you all together in a room so you could watch him pash on with other bitches and then talk about how much he loves other said bitches!
Weeeeee! Applause to you, Channel 10.
And applause to you, Osher. I think we can safely say that, tonight, Osh was workin hard for the monaay. This is why he has been so AWOL of late; he’s been building his strength at his local barre class in anticipation for this epic episode.
Putting to good use his unquestionable interview/host skills, most recently seen in Australian Idol, Osh is doin what he does best by recapping the der-rama of the past few weeks through facilitating an ex-bitches bitch forum (and doin a little bit of judging along the way.) All the bitches are here…like, all of them. They are in their best midriff ensembles and they are out for blood.
* In case you hadn’t noticed, tonight’s episode actually has nothing to do with the home visits (waah) and there is very little Blake Vader to point and laugh at; Channel 10 are trying to milk this baby for all it’s worth and so tonight is ALL about a trip down memory lane. (Also, they’ve exhausted their budget and Velocity Points by flying all remaining cast members to their respective homes around eastern Australia, so we hadda buy some time.)
So first of all: who ARE all these bitches? Yes, I’d had a few champs the night of the premiere, but I swear to Oprah that I do not recall half of the faces in the back row. Not that that matters, because none of them say anything of note…actually, they aren’t even looked at by Osher’s hair because they are big losers who didn’t make it through the first two episodes and no one likes them and they just sit there yawning and wondering when they’re going to be getting their one year membership to Fitness First and a guest spot on The Living Room.
Guys, guys! The effing great news is Anita is back. And thank you, God, we get to see her sing her stalky song to Vader again. In case you were wondering, it’s just as good the second time around. Admittedly, Anita does tell us that she is, “…not a singer,” but continues to demonstrate that she is adorably crazy and is probably planning to single-white-female one of the remaining girls to get back on the show. Gawd I miss her.
Canadian Horse Whisperer and Laurina/Bane have a make up session.
Laurina: I’m sorry you’re allergic to horses.
CHW: I’m sorry I called you fake, but you are kind of fake.
Laurina: You have a really big “personality”.
CHW: You have really big eyebrows. We are best friends. Maple Syrup.
Not content with Laurina getting all the attention, Osh has a sit-down with Canadian Horse Whisperer and they deconstruct all of her adult tanties and body con dresses and, wait…did Canadian Horse Whisperer and Osher just do flirting? Guys, I feel weird. Someone get me a Gaviscon.
OMIGOD I FINALLY SAW LAURINA IMITATE JESS/ELSA AND IT IS EVERYTHING I HOPED IT WOULD BE!
Laurina also gets one-on-one time with Osh and, for some reason, all the best bits are shown now that weren’t shown when she was actually ON the show and now I feel duped. I mean, if I’d have known she went on that fateful bowling/Street Pie date in a satin dress without underwear maybe I wouldn’t have been so judgmental. Ladies, come on. Remember the last time you went commando on a date night? The only thing you were up for was sitting very still on a padded chair and drinking until you felt comfortable telling your date that you left your underwear at home. If someone had asked me to go bowling whilst free-balling in a satin dress, I’m preeeetty sure my response would be something like this…
The moral of the story is this: I farking miss you, Laurina. Even Osher’s badly disguised judgment at your Passions of the Christ/Sky Diving ordeal didn’t deter you; you are still my Kanye and I will wait patiently in the middle of South Yarra everyday with my Laurina flag and my #DirtyStreetPie until you decide we can be besties.
Blah blah blah the intruder bitches are interviewed etc. “It was really hard…we had good intentions…we are totally still relevant…”
I should mention that I am three drinks to the wind at this point, so I got a little bit over it. And I wanted Vader/Parental action. Honestly, the loser bitches also looked hell bored too. One of them unashamedly YAWNS AND ROLLS HER EYES AT THE CAMERA. Gosh it was good.
Who’s not a giver of f*#^s?
This guy. (At least I think it was this guy)
We finish off the ep with Osher forcing the loser bitches to hedge their bets on which remaining bitch they would want to see their ex boyfriend try and marry because that is a totally normal way to deal.
LOUISE
I was right. All she talks about is baking and the loser bitches all confirm that. They discuss her baking and how she is totes ‘Stepford’ and that they didn’t think she had a chance in hell, but now they are second guessing themselves because maybe Blake only likes girls with one serious hobby and bright lipstick.
JESS
Did they kiss on the first date? Did they not kiss on the first date? Does anyone still give a shit? I know I do not. Ladies, I think the thing we SHOULD be discussing is how it takes Jess a week and a half to get out a sentence lately. “Myyyyy ……hhhhhearrrt…..it’s beeeeeating so faaaaast.”
LISA
She is normal so no one has much to say about her. Except that she’s hot. Seems legit.
SAM
OMIGOD SHE IS SO GOOFY AND FUNNY I HAVE NEVER MET ANYONE LIKE HER SHE IS THE BEST EVER REMEMBER WHEN SHE PUT MINTS IN HER BRA!
Cut to a montage of Blake kissing all of the aforementioned girls and my head is in the toilet.
Join me tomorrow when, word on the street is, Richard Mercer has a full-on Bachelor breakdown and cries. Maybe he’s allergic to horses too. Or just parents. Hard to say…
That's What She Said... 
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