Normally when I watch an episode, I take down one-sentence notes or thoughts that I later turn into (hopefully) witty/bitchy narrative/complex sentences. BUT I thought for a change this week, I would just post the one-sentence notes/thoughts I had throughout the episode instead of trying too hard to, like, write stuff….
I promise this has nothing to do with me just being straight up lazy.
Here we go..
Remember Courtney? He’s the one who gave her a pasta bracelet. It’s still Golden Date Week for Court.
Courtney has the Golden Date Card which sounds nice in theory, but is really just a lot of pressure to not be shit. In other words, Courtney, don’t f*ck it up, kay?
The boys go outside to check Court’s ride. Because they are boys of course they make “If the Combi’s a-rockin, don’t comma knockin” jokes.
Courtney wants to tailor a date that really shows Lady Bach who he is. Sounds pretty selfish to me.
I do not like camping. Court and I would never work. But I do like pasta bracelets. Actually, I just like pasta full stop.
Georgia keeps saying how relieved she is that Courtney, “finally wants to take her on a date.” It’s been two weeks babe and you’re dating 15 other men. Calm down.
They are going to go skurfing which sounds like some sort of hybrid sexual/bodily function thing. Like queefing. Too far? Whatever, I’m not sold.
Courtney tells the rest of the dudes he has expertly hidden his Group Date card somewhere in the house but really it’s just in the cushions of the couch. This is basically How Not to Win Hide and Seek 101. This place is funking huge and you stick it in the couch?!
Two guys called Tommy and Ryan are put on the group date and everyone seems confused as to how they got there.
SINGLE DATE
Courtney is obviously good at skurfing and Lady Bach is not. (Side note – skurfing is a mix of surfing and…skating?)
I mean, call me old-fashioned, but isn’t this just water skiing?
No. Apparently this is skurfing.
After skurfing, they go to a cafe but the catch is they have to dress up as pirates and try and talk about their real feelings without pissing themselves.
Courtney will from now on be known as Pasta Pirate.
Lady Bach reminds Pasta Pirate and the rest of Australia that she is a failure as a woman because she has had the audacity to prioritize her career over her love life.
After she gives him a rose Lady Bach leans right in, ready for the post-rose pash. He gives her funking hug instead. The worst.
Lady Bach is super disappointed they didn’t pash. She despo wants to pash him.
JUST PASH HIM GEORGIA! YOU’RE THE BACHELORETTE! YOU CAN DO WHATEVER THE F*CK YOU WANT!
I’m sorry, but feminism.
GROUP DATE
Pasta Pirate has decided to challenge the lads to what he deems Crappy Car Racing. Which is basically exactly what it sounds like.
Of course he has put himself with Lady Bach whose job it is to tighten up the nuts, ifyouknowhaddamean.
Cameron, a.k.a Captain Sunshine, is super into his yellow cart and the whole shebang really. He be like, “EVERYTHING IS AWESOME! OUR TEAM IS AWESOME!”
Usually this kind of behaviour gets on my nerves but it doesn’t bother me at all because I love him.
Guys, Captain Sunshine is a REAL THING!
Jake and Clancy’s car is Super Crappy.
Obviously Pasta Pirate and Lady Bach win the race. Obviously Jake and Clancy lose big time. Their car is Super Crappy.
Courtney gets to decide who has private time with Bachie Love. Doesn’t take the opportunity to make up for the non-pash disaster and instead goes the Mercy Vote and gives it to Tommy. Lady Bach has no idea who he is.
You’re an idiot, Pasta Pirate. Arrrrrgggh! (That’s a pirate joke.)
Make better choices, Courtney.
Tommy tells Lady Bach he doesn’t have a personality. I mean, a BIG personality. She pretty much agrees with him. You can tell she’s still thinking about Pasta Pirate not pashing her.
This encounter has about as much romantic depth as an oven mitt.
At least he gets a hug too. But this time Lady Bach actually means it, yo.
Are you with catering?
ROSE CEREMONY
Captain Sunshine strangely enough seems a little apprehensive about the whole sharing-a-girlfriend thing. Talks himself out of it with a positive attitude and a high five.
Matty gets Lady Bach alone and decides to spend it playing charades. Are charades back or something?
Jake and Sam seem really nervous about some “big show” they’ve got planned for Lady Bach. I really hope it’s a strip duet – you definitely don’t see enough of that on a 7.30pm time slot.
Meanwhile, Lady Bach gets mad at Pasta Pirate for giving her alone time with Tommy, how very dare he.
Pasta Pirate just wants to play fair. Snore……
Sadly, no double striptease. Unless there’s a penis under that silver platter. Oh wait…
In actuality, the two lads have made their communal girlfriend a fancy, ball-shaped dessert. (Lol, ball.)
But srzly, it’s like an Adriano Zumbo creation. I think this might be a subliminal Masterchef promotion. Like, when has ANYONE EVER seen Sam or Jake bake or roast anything, aside from the other guys in the house? WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM?!
High five for random cross-promotion!
Jake never really had anything to worry about tbh because Lady Bach still gets a minge twinge whenever he’s around. (I stole that from Gogglebox. It’s my new favourite thing to say.)
HOW COULD YOU LEAVE CAPTAIN SUNSHINE IN THE BOTTOM TWO, GEORGIA?! HOW COULD YOU!!
Obviously he doesn’t go home, but still. I did not appreciate that at all.
To give Lady Bach props, she knows she don’t got no chemistry with Tommy and takes him outside to say it to his face. (Side note – outside chats are already happening?)
Despite his lack of sparkles with Lady Bach, Tommy seems like good people.
Sorry I was so mean to you, Tommy.
OMG I CANNOT WAIT UNTIL NEXT WEEK! INTRUDER DUDES!
Man, this shit is going forward at break neck speed.
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