Tag Archives: TheBacheloretteAu

Sophie Monk is going to kick some Bachelorette ass

26 Apr

Sophie Monk will soon be donning the sequinned gowns and going on a lot of boring picnics as Australia’s Bachelorette of 2017.

 

 

I am so very #Team Sophie now that the news is out. And not just because Popstars was pretty much my most favorite show of the early noughties.

For some reason though, it seems like I might be in the minority.

Honest to Osher, I actually did not see this coming at all. Granted, I haven’t spent too much time on my couch pondering the identity of this year’s Lady Bach – I save that blessed time for eating mee goreng and streaming Real Housewives of Auckland.

Of course I did still harbor some suspicions about Nikki Gogan and her many fascinators taking over the rose-shaped mantle from Bachie Love.

And there’s certainly a little part of me that’s disappointed  Nicky won’t be getting her opportunity to find some lovely fireman/IT consultant/man-with-real-job (i.e. NOT a “ropes technician”) to flaunt in Richie’s boring face.

But I digress.

This decision by Channel 10 is, in my humble opinion, a total winner. I think Soph is going to make a queen of a Bachelorette (and if she doesn’t I will go back to TAFE and study “Rope Technology”). And to all them haters out there, here’s why:

To begin with, she’s 37.

Do you know how many outraged Facebook comments I saw that labelled her “too old”? MORE THAN I CARED FOR, I’LL GIVE YOU THE TIP!

And I call bullshit. (Also how very dare you.)

 

I hope I look like this at 37.

 

The fact is, she’s not some 20-something ingénue or upstart, claiming to own her own fitness company or fashion line, when really we all know she’s just very good at taking photos of herself not looking at the camera and putting them on Instagram. Sophie has had a solid and visible career in the music and media industries and, even more impressively, has managed to make it past 30 and remain culturally relevant – no easy feat for a woman.

And for once a television show is sending the message that women over 30 are actually desirable, loveable and interesting human beings! WHO WOULD EVER HAVE THOUGHT?!

Her age also means she’s had more time to dabble in the dating pool and experience the dizzying highs of love and the subsequently crushing lows of losing it; some of which she has done in full view of the public. (I’m still mad at you, Benji Madden!)

Before all you whipper snappers put on your outrage pants, I’m not saying that 20-somethings don’t know anything about love or relationships; I’m just saying that, mathematically, a woman in her mid-30’s has had a head start.

And yeah, maybe there is an argument to say that her appointment is somewhat unfair to all the everyday, non-famous applicants out there. But when you think about it, wouldn’t her experience in the spotlight mean she’s actually much better equipped to deal with the perverse invasion of her personal life (and the potential for it to go very badly)? And really, don’t Matty J, Sam Frost and Bachie Bananas all technically fall into that “celeb” category as well after each trying (and failing) to win their respective wife/husband competitions the first time around?

Sophie has a clear idea of what she wants and does not want; what she will and will not put up with. Combine this with an understanding of what people find entertaining and a habit of speaking before she thinks and, frankly, you’ve got some bloody good television, y’all. And isn’t that what we all came for?

And, side note, she’s funny AF.

 

 

People who’ve been throwing around accusations of “tacky” or “unclassy” her way clearly have not followed much of her time in the media. She’s a bona fide piss-taker and can deliver a one-liner like no one’s business.

She once said in an interview what basically erry lady has thought to herself at some point in her adult life; that she’s “…probably bad in bed actually. I think I’m dud.” (And if you haven’t ever thought this about yourself at least once, then can you please write to me and give me the name of your sexy confidence medicine, kthanx.)

She’s been accused of being stupid (just watch the Hard Chat video with Tom Gleeson for a start), but instead of getting upset about it, Sophie regularly comes out with some absolute bangers, like this one about her bike-riding nephew:

“He’s like Lance Armstrong … minus the drugs … plus the balls.”

In fact, I actually believe the woman is some kind of low-key genius after she explained she, “…got suspended for writing ‘I love Sophie’ on the desks to make the other boys think I was popular.”

I mean, why didn’t they put THAT advice in the Little Golden Books?!

And finally, not only did she dress up like a giant bird and sing in a giant cage, she has regularly made a right tit of herself on radio and television for viewer amusement. She even managed to make Kyle Sandilands look good during their stint together as co-hosts. Not. Easy. To. Do.

 

#birdchic

 

Look, maybe I’m biased because I have Poison on regular rotation on my Spotify playlist, but I honestly think this is a win for The Bachelorette series. It’s a win for glorious idiots like Sophie. A win for women over 30. And a win for us viewers.

So can we all just get on board and focus on what really matters – that she begins the first rose ceremony like this:

Don’t you treat me bad,

Don’t you make me sad.

Our love could be deep as the ocean.

 

Can we petition for group-Bachelorettes?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Bachelorette Season 2: Get your puppies out

7 Oct

No but seriously, guys. I feel like all you really need to know about this episode is this:

 

cam-puppies

PUPPIES!

There were funking puppies. Fifteen of them. F*ck the helicopters and champagne… all you need for romance is puppies.

And Cam.

But mainly puppies.

(For realz, is there some place you can actually go to just chill with fifteen puppies?)

i-want-to-go-to-there

But then these things also happened, but they weren’t as good as the puppies:

Cam got a single date and his tongue dug itself out of the Friendzone…

georgia-cam-kiss

No, really; it was hot AF.

can-i-get-pregnant

We were all thinking it.

Matty J (who I am slowly starting to fall in love with) also got a single date, a chance to play croquet and a kiss.

Not as hot as Cam’s, but still. Pretty good.

georgia-matty-kiss

Horizontal croquet anyone?

And then this…

shirtless-bachies

I have no idea what is happening but I like it.

Apparently they played some sort of sport. Meanwhile, the olive oil business just boomed again.

Rhys “hurt his shoulder” trying to be manly, then wrote Georgia ANOTHER funking poem.

please-stop-gif

Mate.

But then Cam whipped out his fireman’s pole  guitar and they all SANG HER A FUNKING SONG!

georgias-song

no-pants

True story.

With all the singing and the puppies, everyone (i.e. me) forgot that there was still a Rose Ceremony.

Some poor guy named Ryan was denied a rose. Seemed for the best because no one knew who he was.

ryan

New phone. Who dis?

That’s all I remember.

Someone get me a puppy.

more-shirtless-bachies

Never forget…

The Bachelorette Season 2: Notes on Court-ing

29 Sep

Normally when I watch an episode, I take down one-sentence notes or thoughts that I later turn into (hopefully) witty/bitchy narrative/complex sentences. BUT I thought for a change this week, I would just post the one-sentence notes/thoughts I had throughout the episode instead of trying too hard to, like, write stuff….

I promise this has nothing to do with me just being straight up lazy.

Here we go..

 

Remember Courtney? He’s the one who gave her a pasta bracelet. It’s still Golden Date Week for Court.

Courtney has the Golden Date Card which sounds nice in theory, but is really just a lot of pressure to not be shit. In other words, Courtney, don’t f*ck it up, kay?

The boys go outside to check Court’s ride. Because they are boys of course they make “If the Combi’s a-rockin, don’t comma knockin” jokes.

Courtney wants to tailor a date that really shows Lady Bach who he is. Sounds pretty selfish to me.

I do not like camping. Court and I would never work. But I do like pasta bracelets. Actually, I just like pasta full stop.

Georgia keeps saying how relieved she is that Courtney, “finally wants to take her on a date.” It’s been two weeks babe and you’re dating 15 other men. Calm down.

They are going to go skurfing which sounds like some sort of hybrid sexual/bodily function thing. Like queefing. Too far? Whatever, I’m not sold.

Courtney tells the rest of the dudes he has expertly hidden his Group Date card somewhere in the house but really it’s just in the cushions of the couch. This is basically How Not to Win Hide and Seek 101. This place is funking huge and you stick it in the couch?!

Two guys called Tommy and Ryan are put on the group date and everyone seems confused as to how they got there.

 

SINGLE DATE

Courtney is obviously good at skurfing and Lady Bach is not. (Side note – skurfing is a mix of surfing and…skating?)

I mean, call me old-fashioned, but isn’t this just water skiing?

 

skurfing

No. Apparently this is skurfing.

After skurfing, they go to a cafe but the catch is they have to dress up as pirates and try and talk about their real feelings without pissing themselves.

Courtney will from now on be known as Pasta Pirate.

Lady Bach reminds Pasta Pirate and the rest of Australia that she is a failure as a woman because she has had the audacity to prioritize her career over her love life.

After she gives him a rose Lady Bach leans right in, ready for the post-rose pash. He gives her funking hug instead. The worst.

Lady Bach is super disappointed they didn’t pash. She despo wants to pash him.

JUST PASH HIM GEORGIA! YOU’RE THE BACHELORETTE! YOU CAN DO WHATEVER THE F*CK YOU WANT!

I’m sorry, but feminism.

 

GROUP DATE

Pasta Pirate has decided to challenge the lads to what he deems Crappy Car Racing. Which is basically exactly what it sounds like.

Of course he has put himself with Lady Bach whose job it is to tighten up the nuts, ifyouknowhaddamean.

Cameron, a.k.a Captain Sunshine, is super into his yellow cart and the whole shebang really. He be like, “EVERYTHING IS AWESOME! OUR TEAM IS AWESOME!”

Usually this kind of behaviour gets on my nerves but it doesn’t bother me at all because I love him.

 

captain-sunshine-2

Guys, Captain Sunshine is a REAL THING!

Jake and Clancy’s car is Super Crappy.

Obviously Pasta Pirate and Lady Bach win the race. Obviously Jake and Clancy lose big time. Their car is Super Crappy.

Courtney gets to decide who has private time with Bachie Love. Doesn’t take the opportunity to make up for the non-pash disaster and instead goes the Mercy Vote and gives it to Tommy. Lady Bach has no idea who he is.

You’re an idiot, Pasta Pirate. Arrrrrgggh! (That’s a pirate joke.)

 

idiot-pirate

Make better choices, Courtney.

Tommy tells Lady Bach he doesn’t have a personality. I mean, a BIG personality. She pretty much agrees with him. You can tell she’s still thinking about Pasta Pirate not pashing her.

This encounter has about as much romantic depth as an oven mitt.

At least he gets a hug too. But this time Lady Bach actually means it, yo.

 

georgia-unsure

Are you with catering?

 

ROSE CEREMONY

Captain Sunshine strangely enough seems a little apprehensive about the whole sharing-a-girlfriend thing. Talks himself out of it with a positive attitude and a high five.

Matty gets Lady Bach alone and decides to spend it playing charades. Are charades back or something?

Jake and Sam seem really nervous about some “big show” they’ve got planned for Lady Bach. I really hope it’s a strip duet – you definitely don’t see enough of that on a 7.30pm time slot.

Meanwhile, Lady Bach gets mad at Pasta Pirate for giving her alone time with Tommy, how very dare he.

Pasta Pirate just wants to play fair. Snore……

Sadly, no double striptease. Unless there’s a penis under that silver platter. Oh wait…

In actuality, the two lads have made their communal girlfriend a fancy, ball-shaped dessert. (Lol, ball.)

But srzly, it’s like an Adriano Zumbo creation. I think this might be a subliminal Masterchef promotion. Like, when has ANYONE EVER seen Sam or Jake bake or roast anything, aside from the other guys in the house? WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM?!

 

sam-jake-high-five

High five for random cross-promotion!

Jake never really had anything to worry about tbh because Lady Bach still gets a minge twinge whenever he’s around. (I stole that from Gogglebox. It’s my new favourite thing to say.)

HOW COULD YOU LEAVE CAPTAIN SUNSHINE IN THE BOTTOM TWO, GEORGIA?! HOW COULD YOU!!

Obviously he doesn’t go home, but still. I did not appreciate that at all.

 

how-dare-you-gif

To give Lady Bach props, she knows she don’t got no chemistry with Tommy and takes him outside to say it to his face. (Side note – outside chats are already happening?)

Despite his lack of sparkles with Lady Bach, Tommy seems like good people.

Sorry I was so mean to you, Tommy.

OMG I CANNOT WAIT UNTIL NEXT WEEK! INTRUDER DUDES!

Man, this shit is going forward at break neck speed.

 

 

 

 

The Bachelorette Season 2: The path to Georgia’s Love

22 Sep

I wasn’t going to recap The Bachelorette, I really wasn’t. But I have a sickness and no sooner had I watched the first episode of Season 2, that I felt the inexplicable need to give my opinion on it. So…yeah. Here we are, guys.

The producers barely had enough time to clean the chocolate bath remnants from the Tuscan Mansion that Spotlight Built before Lady Love and her crew took over the place. Luckily though, one of the work experience kids managed to nip back down to Bed, Bath ‘n’ Table and stock up on more metallic candle holders and expensive throw rugs. Crisis averted.

I just hope they gave Osher a weekend off or something to recover.

But here he is, looking his dapper self, and ready to introduce us to Australia’s newest Bachelorette – Georgia Love.

So who is she?

Well, she’s a journalist and news reporter who lives in Tasmania and was probably the best option they had since I’m guessing Cool Girl Heather and Well Traveled Lana turned down the gig. But Lady Bach seems pretty sweet and, despite her bad habit of speaking like she’s on the five o’clock news, is a stone cold fox. But the poor thing has put her successful career first for the last decade, how very dare she, and has thus been punished by the Gods of romance for not giving it all up to find a man. Until now…

 

sad-georgia

This is what you get for having a career.

 

Instead of going home to her cold career, hopefully Lady Love will be going home to one of the 16 bachelors Channel 10 and the Myer Briggs test have picked out for her… I just really hope the “relationship experts” from Married at First Sight weren’t involved…

But before I give you my run-down on the fellas, can I just say it is actually bullshit that she only gets 16 dudes and Bachie Cool Bananas got 23 ladies. MAYBE it was because Richie needed more personalities in the house to overshadow his own, but I think I’m being too optimistic here. This is just straight-up anti-feminism! Does Susan Sarandon know about this?

Anywhoo, Lady Love is all decked out in her elegant and virginal white gown, living out my personal dream of standing on her driveway and just waiting for hot men in limos to pull up and impress her. And if by “impress” you mean making awkward conversation and wearing a lot of velvet suits, then yes, they are very impressive. Many velvet, much pinky rings.

I’m not going to give a run down on erry single one because you and I both have a life, but here are the standouts:

Cameron: Firefighter. Very cute. Likes Disney. Will most likely be in the Final 3 due to my other Bachie theory, not dissimilar to the Dress theory, that the first suitor introduced is usually a major contender. You heard it here first.

Jake: Forgot what he does but he’s from the Gold Coast. He’s really cute except he wears a pinky ring. Ew. It’s a no from me, but Bachie Love doesn’t seem to care. High chance of going rogue and punching someone later due to aforementioned description.

Rhys: Model and Entrepreneur. This means he’s probably a barista at a hipster cafe and runs a semi-popular tumblr account. Basically says anyone can be as hot as he is if they just try harder. Tries hard to speak French. Is shit.

Courtney: Also forgot what he does but something to do with kids? Super adorbs but I think I’m biased because he’s wearing a plaid shirt and gives her a pasta bracelet.

Carlos: Self-proclaimed Business Mogul. So…a stripper. He doesn’t even try to hide it. Clearly producer’s pick for ratings as not even the Married at First Sight relationship experts would pair him with Georgia. Also wears pinky ring and looks greasy. I hope he stays.

Lee: Mechanical Plumber. I’m not 100% sure what this means but I bet he’s good with his hands or…something. Offers Lady Bach his jacket while swooning over her eyes but obviously stylists crack the shits and make him take it back. Oh yeah, also brings a donkey with him, NBD. A donkey in a mexican costume, no less. Asks, “does my ass look big in this?” Ten points to Gryffindor.

 

donkey

#animalrights

 

Ben: Miner. Extreme Aussie and clearly there for comic relief. Self-proclaimed nervous pooer. Bless. Trips over on his way up the stairs. Jury still out on whether it was legit an accident or excuse to use bad pun. Either way I’m okay with it.

Clancy: Has beard. May not have beard by end of night.

Sam: Claims to be an electrician but I really don’t know if I’d let him anywhere near live wires. But well done to the producers because this guy is television heaven. Explains that he rarely has to try very hard as women usually just go to him, hence why he’s still single and on a dating show? Wonders if Georgia will be able to keep his attention for more than a week. What a sweetheart! And by attention he means asking her a series of inane questions that he probably stole from a bad Buzzfeed quiz. Wins Quote of the Night with, “I don’t know what planet she’s from that she doesn’t agree with everything I say?” Thank you, Channel 10. Thank you.

COCKTAIL PARTY

Off to an excellent start. Lady Bach enters in all her glory only to stack it down the stairs. And suddenly every woman in Australia goes lesbian for a moment because, lesbihonest, Georgia is all of us after a few drinks. She brushes it off like no big deal but then secretly wants to die in her private interview. Basically me everyday.

 

georgia-falls

Georgia at the cocktail party…

kill-me-gif

…Georgia IRL

 

After that, the der-rama takes a bit of a nose dive. I really hate to say this, but dudes are not as interesting as chicks are at the cocktail parties. All that happens is that they form a line to talk to Lady Bach. It’s kind of sweet but also super weird.

Meanwhile, Rhys and some guy called Aaron find each other and begin what looks to be a beautiful bromance. They make a lot of cringe-worthy jokes and then laugh a lot of those jokes and I can’t help but wonder if this is what I’m like with my friends when we’ve been drinking and, if so, someone should probs just put me out of my misery. Although a little part of me does hope they turn on each other and flip tables and shit because that would be way more entertaining.

 

bromance

The real love story of the season.

 

OOHH CONTROVERSY ALERT!

Guys, even though Lady Love has waaaay more personality than Bachie Bananas did, they’re not giving her a White Sex Rose! Obviously this is NOT. OKAY. WITH. ME. Less men to pick from and now no Sex Rose. What’s next? The men not having to compete in humiliating challenges?!

What Lady Bach does get is some pissy little orange rose called the “First Impression Rose” which is actually just the Rose of Lies! Poor Osher tries to sell it like a #reallybigdeal but it turns out it works basically the same as the regular roses, it’s just the lucky dude gets given it earlier in the night. And gets to choose ONE date with Lady Bach and ONE group date. No escaping up to the White Rose Sex Hideaway whenever the mood strikes.

If I was Lady Bach I would be piiiiiiiiiissed.

The lucky/not-so-lucky recipient is Courtney and maybe I’m okay with that decision. I always knew plaid shirts were a good life choice.

ROSE CEREMONY

Poor Georgia has to send home two dudes out of an already small pool of 16! I mean, I’m no scientist, but isn’t it LADIES who are the better sex at multi-tasking?! Are we legitimately going into the beginning of this new season with a measly FOURTEEN MEN?! What good can possibly come of that?

Regardless, Lady Bach must do as she is told and so she sends home Carlos and a white guy whose name I did not learn. Seeing as Carlos was clearly the producers pick, I’m very surprised they let that slide. Perhaps they feel bad for shafting poor Lady Love at every other opportunity. And by shafting I’m not trying to make bad sexual innuendo. For once.

 

Ah well, at least Sam and his codependent attitude are still there. And the donkey. Or…at least I think the donkey is still there?

Guys?