Tag Archives: georgia love

The Bachelor Season 5 Recap: Serious Business

10 Aug

Guys this might just be my most important recap in the history of all the sarcastic recaps I have ever written.

And it has nothing to do with the “sudden” DER-RAMA that wasn’t really der-rama at all last night. (Some girl called Sian wasn’t feeling it with the Matty vibes and yeah…that’s about it. He took her outside and they were both like kthanx byyyyyyye!)

No.

It’s also nothing to do with the fact that a lot of the women jumped out of a plane and one of them cried.

It ALSO has nothing to do with the fact that one of the girls revealed she used to be in the Hockeyroos aka THE FUNKING OLYMPICS which seems like something I would normally latch right onto like a fox terrier.

None of these things.

It has everything to do with this:

 

PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE SURE YOUR ENROLMENT DETAILS ARE UP TO DATE AND YOU VOTE YES FOR MARRIAGE EQUALITY ON THIS STUPID PLEBISITE BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER I CAN GO ON WRITING ABOUT THIS FARCICAL HUSBAND COMPETITION WHILE THE PEOPLE WHO RUN THIS COUNTRY ARE SPENDING MILLIONS OF DOLLARS JUST TO BE STRAIGHT UP ASSHOLES.

 

“This is just offensive.”

 

I mean, in a way, it’s kind of similar to the way the producers are assholes to the girls on this show e.g. purposefully having the girl with the morbid fear of heights jump from 14000 feet whilst being filmed. So if that kind of thing makes you angry, please take a moment to try and redirect that anger towards this revolting parade of discrimination and time-wasting.

 

“Gee, when was the last time I checked my enrolment?”

 

Oh, and make sure you remember that, once you vote YES, you remember to send that sucker back which sounds pretty simple but I barely have any clue about where my closest post box is.

 

“Am I even enrolled? Better check brb.”

 

Choose love y’all.

 

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The Bachelor Season 5 Recap: Game of Thorns

3 Aug

Daa daa danana-na da da dada da da dada something something Peter Dinklage…

(That’s meant to be the Game of Thrones theme song btw.)

This week, Matchie takes us on a trip back to Westeros where all transportation is via water and the lead-up to the first kiss was more dramatic than the GOT Season 7 premiere.

However, before winter can come ifyouknowwhaddamean, Matchie has to take one of the girls on a single date.

Luckily Akoulina gets her hands on the date card first because I really love it whenever she says anything. Her talking face is the kind of intense you’d come to expect from one of those fortune tellers who works in a crystal store and wears a lot of bangles.

She announces that whoever the lucky lady is, she only has 15 minutes to get ready, how very dare they, but fortunately the date goes to Laura the Jewelry Designer who is already super natural and stylish because she wears a lots of rings on her fingers. Akoulina tries to give her a high five but is left hanging because Laura is already busily thinking about which pendant she should wear.

And what a funking surprise, they’re going on a boat/doing something in water. Wait, wasn’t last week’s date on a boat too? Has Channel 10 called in the big guns from Boating Camping and Fishing and sealed a sponsorship deal or something? (Can you even buy boats from there? I literally have no idea.)

To give them their dues, if we’re on board (geddit) with the Game of Thrones thing, I guess everyone in Westeros has to travel by boat or shadow demon, and since shadow demons are a bit hard to find, at least they’re trying to team with the theme.

Basically guys, if you haven’t already picked up on it, Laura could be Georgia Love’s long-lost twin….okay long-lost cousin AT LEAST. Which is why now it is abundantly clear to me why Matchie seems to be totally gaga for her and why he gifted her with the first pash of the season. Oh yeah *Spoiler Alert!*

But before they get to that, they talk about boats way too much; specifically how big this particular boat seems to be.

“The boat was like, really big.” – Laura, 2017.

This is also a boat. 

A few pinots and some poop deck action later, Laura gets a case of the word vomits and reveals she has travelled to India so naturally I have now christened her Eat Pray (Georgia) Love.

Now, because Eat Pray (Georgia) Love did an Arts degree and is a designer and is v v creative, Matchie finally ushers her ashore so that she can sketch him because it is way cheaper than paying someone at Star Shotz.

Oh no, wait, Matchie is also going to sketch her so I spose that’s fair. I mean, as he explains it, he did enter the drawing competition at the Brookfield Show a lot as a kid and OMG I USED TO GO TO THE BROOKFIELD SHOW EVEN THOUGH IT WAS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF TOWN TO MY HOUSE WHY DIDN’T WE MEET THERE WHY DIDN’T I DO THE DRAWING COMPETITION LIFE COULD HAVE BEEN SO DIFFERENT!!

Matchie’s drawing of Laura 

JOKES!

Actually it looks like the kind of self-portrait you might find in the archives of a rundown asylum.

They head on over to Random Sexy Cheese Couch #1 for the evening and do a whole lot of not much but staring at each other and wanting to kiss but not kissing. Until finally Matty says it’s hard to pinpoint why he likes Laura, but she does look exactly the same as the woman who put his heart in a Nutri Bullet. And then they kiss.

A lot.

So much so that it starts to make me feel things in my lower regions, but I can’t decide if that’s because of the kissing or because I might have eaten some bad sushi earlier.

Matchie gives Eat Pray (Georgia) Love a rose and a ticket for one more week in his girlfriend palace. Honestly, if that’s just their first kiss, I dunno how she’s going to survive the rest of the season. When a guy touches your face that much it does things to your brain.

It’s like we’ve known each other since last year’s Bachelorette…

Meanwhile, back at the Drama Kabana (oh god I love this name so hard and I didn’t even have to come up with it) Simone is very busy doing a lot of cat’s bum face and talking about how much she hates Leah. How convenient, then, that they are both invited on the…

GROUP DATE!

This is the bit where they get to go to a medieval fair, because nothing spells romance like a time in history when women were sold by their fathers to wrinkly old men for little more than a 50 cent piece.

No actually, they’re here as a tribute, and I use the term loosely, to that time Matchie lived in London and, “…emersed myself in the history and culture,” aka he drank a crap tonne of cider and lived in an apartment with 18 other people and has absolutely nothing to do with the fact they still had the props left over from The Bachelorette last year. KULCHA!

All the girls rock up in denim shorts and crop tops amidst the badass medieval role-players who are salty AF. Which I guess you would be if you had to put yourself in danger for the sake of this show.

Do not f*** with me, mates.

The afternoon basically comprises of a couple of undignified games the women have to play in oversized Elizabethan gowns so that they may secure a spot at Matchie’s banquet table later on. Oh, and btw, there’s going to be a sudden Rose Ceremony right after this date, so yeah, y’all be playing the game of thrones now.

Simone/Arya Stark cannot go a minute without plotting the death of Leah/Cersei. Lucky for her, they both get to do this thing where they have to chase innocent piglets and try and put them in baskets. Unlucky for her, though, she’s shit at it and Cersei wins.

 

Better luck next time, bebe.

Then Matty asks four other girls to jump in his sacks and throw rings around a phallic structure. Belinda, the Love Coach, seems unnaturally happy about this and all of a sudden I’m very worried for the future of her business.

The final challenge is a Trial by Combat, I mean, soccer game. In dresses. I don’t remember much about it except one of them copped a ball to da boob.

Eventually, six girls are crowned the winners and are taken to Random Sexy Cheese Banquet Table #2 for dinner.

Over aforementioned dinner, Matchie asks the girls about what it’s like to live in The House That Spotlight Built which is a weird thing to ask when he LITERALLY JUST MOVED OUT OF THAT HOUSE 9 MONTHS AGO!

Anyway, he takes Alix outside for a chat about… body painting I guess? But then Cersei bullies Elise/Sansa into going out and interrupting them via pretending to top up their wine glasses, then, not three minutes later, interrupts HER right before she gets to tell Matchie the second most important thing about her.

Poor Sansa.

Cersei then explains via evil monologue, that she is willing to, “play a different game…I’m happy to play the sad, crying one if I need to.” And then she launches into a strange, tear-soaked speech about how her mum’s a nurse…and…that’s about the extent of it. It is heart-wrenching stuff.

Look, hate on her all you want, but we all know the show would be nothing without Cersei to get drunk and f*** shit up all the time, you feel me?

ROSE CEREMONY

Because it’s a super dramatic, impromptu ceremony immediately after the group date, the poor ladies are still wearing their ridiculous peasant gowns.

Simone/Arya keeps reciting her kill list in her head which only consists of Leah/Cersei at this point and does no actual good because of course Cersei survives.

But then OUT OF NOWHERE Matchie dumps Akoulina aka Fortune Teller aka Fleur Delacour for no obvious reason apart from the fact that she can’t catch a pig.

Look, I’m sure she was sweet, but it’s probably for the best she’s out now before she had a chance to wrap Matchie up in her love ribbons.

 

When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die.

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The Bachelor Season 5: A Matt(ch) made in heaven

28 Jul

I really do not know how I’m going to get through this season.

It dawned on me that the drive and burning passion I have had behind me in all previous seasons was largely due to the fact that I secretly/not-so-secretly hated the actual Bachelor. I certainly made an idiot of myself last year when I was all Go Richie! You and your ropes don’t need Sam Frost, you’re adorable I hope you find much love and bananas! But then was rudely made the fool of when it turned out Richie was the dude equivalent of a pack of Sun Rice Long Grain.

So obviously I am extremely nervous about this whole Matty J sitch. I really like him. And I’ve christened him Matchie already and I’m really proud of that. Plus I am highly vain and desperate to please everybody, so the fact that a handful of people asked if I would keep doing these recaps was enough to spur me into action because being accepted by every single person I ever meet is important to me. IT’S A NEVER-ENDING ROLLER COASTER OF EMOTION!

Am I getting on your nerves yet? Buckle in, y’all.

On with the der-rama!

So of course the powers that be at Channel 10 HAD to show us that awful replay of Georgia ripping out Matchie’s heart and stomping a big, fat “LEE 4EVA” in the remains with her Love boots. Again. Honestly, I cannot bear to watch that another damn time.

But I guess that was an important reminder because, cut to the J Household (no srzly, what is his last name? Jones? J-Man? Johannesburg?) and Matchie’s entire family are basically running the We Hate Georgia Love Club. So I guess it was relevant.

Lots of shots of their white and blue-themed boat house mansion and Matty’s biceps playing in the pool with his definitely-not-for-sympathy-or-fertility-mongering nephew George.

Let’s go tingle some ovaries, Uncle Matt!

Blah blah, Matty is still super hot and super sweet and doesn’t wear shirts often which I am fine with and is looking for true love on a reality show but now I’ve lost trust in this program and am basically waiting for him to turn into a big fat dud.

I’ll show you my Cool Bananas? 

LET’S BEGIN!

Before we know it, Matchie is all dressed up in his suit and arrives at the Mansion That Spotlight Built, wondering if the “MJ luvs GL” he scratched into the walls is still there.

What is definitely still there, and as reliable as ever, is Osher. Obviously it’s premiere night and Osh can’t break out the organic hemp shirt just yet which is a shame, but he looks v v dapper in his black tie.

However, that doesn’t stop Matchie from telling Osher that he doesn’t actually believe in love at first sight, which is suuuuuper inconvenient for this show. Osher just nods and says, “interesting” or something and does a really good job of masking all the disappointed yelling coming through his earpiece.

Alix is the first one to step out of the limo of dreams. No, that’s not a typo; it is Alix, not Alex. Am I the only one bothered by dumb spelling of names? Probably. But it makes it sound like a cough syrup, yo.

Anyway, Alix explains she is a professional body painter, and yes she felt the need to say professional and yes, apparently that can be a real full time job. She even body painted her own wrist, so basically she is Peeta from The Hunger Games. I would ask if she bakes bread too, but she doesn’t look like she’s eaten a carb for a solid decade, so…

I really hope it comes to this 

Next up is Tara who they do a whole back story piece on so obviously she will be staying for at least a couple of weeks. Tara is a nanny and I’ve already decided she’ll be the Cool Girl of the season because she says “stoked” a lot and has the balls to call Matchie “mate”. Obviously she can’t win now, but I dig her enough.

Some chick called Laura shows up and talks about the rumors being true, but Matty doesn’t know what rumors she’s referring to so he just laughs. But she also mentioned bringing a Cobb loaf so I got distracted because aforementioned Cobb loaf does not appear.

Next is Cobie who we know will be super zany because she’s brought helium balloons with her to suck at. I would usually insert some sort of judgmental/suggestive joke here about sucking things, but sucking on helium balloons and singing war cries at the school swimming carnival was basically how I hooked my first boyfriend in 1996. I feel so connected to this woman.

Next is a short parade of white chicks in white dresses who all look the same.

But then to prove to us that they do cater to ethnic diversity, the producers throw us Laura Anne, who is, so far, the least white girl we’ve seen. Her ovaries are also tingling which suggests some sort of ethnic voodoo witchery, obviously.

Speaking of ovaries, there appears Natalie, who spends her days buried to the elbows in vaginas and placentas and who I’ve decided is this season’s Luna Lovegood. Obviously I am all about her immediately because she admits to being a crazy Instagram stalker and uses swear words – HOW CAN ONE WOMAN BE SO CRAZY AMIRIGHT?! Well, it gets better because she ends up getting a terrible case of Moist Tourettes where she just keeps saying “moist” a lot and Matchie isn’t sure whether he is being Punk’d by one of the interns. I really hope she wins.

 

Love you, bae.

More women arrive in cut out dresses and boob tape and Matty continues to comment on how stunning they are.

Lisa is another tall blonde in red who will most likely win because her arrival music was The Bachelor equivalent of when Belle appears at the top of the staircase in Beauty and the Beast. 

Belinda is a professional “Love Coach” who has decided it wise to enter into a national husband competition to find true love, so I’m not 100% sold on her credentials at this point. She’s brought an egg timer with her that she switches on, demanding Matty stare into her eyes, while the timer literally counts down the seconds until her fertility runs out. It’s riveting.

An amazing woman called Akoulina “presents herself as a present” and asks if Matty accepts her because feminism has really come leaps and bounds in Russia. And continuing on with my Harry Potter comparisons, her arrival is basically on par with when Fleur Delacour fronted up at Hogwarts doing her ridiculous gymnastics routine. She also claims she is going to “wrap Matty up in my love and in my ribbons,” which means sex. Or STI’s. I’m not sure yet.

Finally, Leah is obviously the big, nasty villain this season, because as soon as her Lipstik heel hits the pavement, the sweet, whimsical music switches to the opening credits of The Walking Dead. She dares to mess Matchie’s hair up which does not impress him one iota so she is clearly evil. She tries to recover by throwing a heap of sexual innuendo at Matty, hoping to get innhisendo. Also she is dressed in black. Because villain.

Something something I’m talking about sex. 

That’s all I recall from the driveway round up. Maybe chuck in a couple more awkward white girls with little personality, plus a police officer, a foreigner and some girl who wears a terrible sash she got from Lombards that has been slightly blurred out and now all I can focus on is figuring out what terribly offensive text Channel 10 felt the need to shield us from.

COCKTAIL PARTY!

Straight away everyone hates Leah because she is the villain wearing a black “naked” dress which is actually the same dress that Jen is wearing in white, but no one says anything about that because villains wear black and we hate them.

Tara tries to say hello to Villain Leah but Villain Leah doesn’t see her because there are probably a hundred cameras in front of her and she is most likely drunk already. But that doesn’t stop the other bitches bitching about how awful Leah was to Tara and then someone makes a comment about how they’ve met nicer people at Aldi and HOW DARE YOU I SHOP AT ALDI AND I’M LOVELY!

WHAT DID ALDI EVER DO TO YOU?!

Once Matchie arrives though, everyone is suddenly less drunk and less bitchy until Osher reveals to them that there is a new twist to this season, and unfortunately it doesn’t involve the White Sex Rose. Sigh. Maybe I’ll start a Pozible campaign or something for that one.

Anyway, this year, some genius at Channel 10 has created The Secret Garden which SOUNDS like a sex den (squeeee!) but is actually just a cordoned off area in the regular garden with some extra fairy lights. But obviously this is all anyone can think about now.

DER-RAMA! The lights go off and everyone thinks Matchie is already pashing one of the bitches, but then, from the depths of the Secret Garden, a glowing figure emerges. Is it the entertainment? Is it Osher performing some sort of sacrifice ritual? Or has someone just straight up set themselves alight?

None of the above are correct. It’s *gasp* ANOTHER CONTESTANT!

Her name is Ellora and yeah…she twirls fire sticks and now Matty definitely wants to bone her.

Do they sell these sexy fire sticks at Bunnings?

But before the bitches can shove Ellora’s fire sticks somewhere I can’t mention on here, fresh drama develops when someone calls Jennifer’s dress “putrid”. Which is pretty funny considering Leah is wearing the same dress in black, but I guess she is the villain so we have more important things to hate her for.

Jennifer is, unsurprisingly, beyond devastated, even though one of the wardrobe assistants picked the bloody thing out for her and the comment was made by a drunk woman trying to compete for her potential boyfriend. Grain of salt, babe, grain of salt. This judge of dresses is apparently called Elizabeth or Liz and now Jennifer and her dress can think of nothing else but ejecting her from the room and from the competition.

All of the dresses on this show are terrible.

Oh yeah, and Natalie farts. Everyone is disgusted or extremely shocked which seems a little bizarre considering Natalie is a human with a functioning digestive system.

Is it just me, or does this seasons’ bevy of bitches seem SAVAGE?

ROSE CEREMONY

Literally nothing exciting happens except the girl with the weird sash doesn’t get a rose.

Obviously Joan Rivers aka Liz gets a rose because Jennifer hates her and Jennifer is super surprised that the super moral and empathetic producers would allow this to happen.

I’m really looking forward to her choices of outfits in the coming days.

Jennifer did not do her research on this show.

 

 

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The Bachelorette Season 2: Get your puppies out

7 Oct

No but seriously, guys. I feel like all you really need to know about this episode is this:

 

cam-puppies

PUPPIES!

There were funking puppies. Fifteen of them. F*ck the helicopters and champagne… all you need for romance is puppies.

And Cam.

But mainly puppies.

(For realz, is there some place you can actually go to just chill with fifteen puppies?)

i-want-to-go-to-there

But then these things also happened, but they weren’t as good as the puppies:

Cam got a single date and his tongue dug itself out of the Friendzone…

georgia-cam-kiss

No, really; it was hot AF.

can-i-get-pregnant

We were all thinking it.

Matty J (who I am slowly starting to fall in love with) also got a single date, a chance to play croquet and a kiss.

Not as hot as Cam’s, but still. Pretty good.

georgia-matty-kiss

Horizontal croquet anyone?

And then this…

shirtless-bachies

I have no idea what is happening but I like it.

Apparently they played some sort of sport. Meanwhile, the olive oil business just boomed again.

Rhys “hurt his shoulder” trying to be manly, then wrote Georgia ANOTHER funking poem.

please-stop-gif

Mate.

But then Cam whipped out his fireman’s pole  guitar and they all SANG HER A FUNKING SONG!

georgias-song

no-pants

True story.

With all the singing and the puppies, everyone (i.e. me) forgot that there was still a Rose Ceremony.

Some poor guy named Ryan was denied a rose. Seemed for the best because no one knew who he was.

ryan

New phone. Who dis?

That’s all I remember.

Someone get me a puppy.

more-shirtless-bachies

Never forget…

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The Bachelorette Season 2: Notes on Court-ing

29 Sep

Normally when I watch an episode, I take down one-sentence notes or thoughts that I later turn into (hopefully) witty/bitchy narrative/complex sentences. BUT I thought for a change this week, I would just post the one-sentence notes/thoughts I had throughout the episode instead of trying too hard to, like, write stuff….

I promise this has nothing to do with me just being straight up lazy.

Here we go..

 

Remember Courtney? He’s the one who gave her a pasta bracelet. It’s still Golden Date Week for Court.

Courtney has the Golden Date Card which sounds nice in theory, but is really just a lot of pressure to not be shit. In other words, Courtney, don’t f*ck it up, kay?

The boys go outside to check Court’s ride. Because they are boys of course they make “If the Combi’s a-rockin, don’t comma knockin” jokes.

Courtney wants to tailor a date that really shows Lady Bach who he is. Sounds pretty selfish to me.

I do not like camping. Court and I would never work. But I do like pasta bracelets. Actually, I just like pasta full stop.

Georgia keeps saying how relieved she is that Courtney, “finally wants to take her on a date.” It’s been two weeks babe and you’re dating 15 other men. Calm down.

They are going to go skurfing which sounds like some sort of hybrid sexual/bodily function thing. Like queefing. Too far? Whatever, I’m not sold.

Courtney tells the rest of the dudes he has expertly hidden his Group Date card somewhere in the house but really it’s just in the cushions of the couch. This is basically How Not to Win Hide and Seek 101. This place is funking huge and you stick it in the couch?!

Two guys called Tommy and Ryan are put on the group date and everyone seems confused as to how they got there.

 

SINGLE DATE

Courtney is obviously good at skurfing and Lady Bach is not. (Side note – skurfing is a mix of surfing and…skating?)

I mean, call me old-fashioned, but isn’t this just water skiing?

 

skurfing

No. Apparently this is skurfing.

After skurfing, they go to a cafe but the catch is they have to dress up as pirates and try and talk about their real feelings without pissing themselves.

Courtney will from now on be known as Pasta Pirate.

Lady Bach reminds Pasta Pirate and the rest of Australia that she is a failure as a woman because she has had the audacity to prioritize her career over her love life.

After she gives him a rose Lady Bach leans right in, ready for the post-rose pash. He gives her funking hug instead. The worst.

Lady Bach is super disappointed they didn’t pash. She despo wants to pash him.

JUST PASH HIM GEORGIA! YOU’RE THE BACHELORETTE! YOU CAN DO WHATEVER THE F*CK YOU WANT!

I’m sorry, but feminism.

 

GROUP DATE

Pasta Pirate has decided to challenge the lads to what he deems Crappy Car Racing. Which is basically exactly what it sounds like.

Of course he has put himself with Lady Bach whose job it is to tighten up the nuts, ifyouknowhaddamean.

Cameron, a.k.a Captain Sunshine, is super into his yellow cart and the whole shebang really. He be like, “EVERYTHING IS AWESOME! OUR TEAM IS AWESOME!”

Usually this kind of behaviour gets on my nerves but it doesn’t bother me at all because I love him.

 

captain-sunshine-2

Guys, Captain Sunshine is a REAL THING!

Jake and Clancy’s car is Super Crappy.

Obviously Pasta Pirate and Lady Bach win the race. Obviously Jake and Clancy lose big time. Their car is Super Crappy.

Courtney gets to decide who has private time with Bachie Love. Doesn’t take the opportunity to make up for the non-pash disaster and instead goes the Mercy Vote and gives it to Tommy. Lady Bach has no idea who he is.

You’re an idiot, Pasta Pirate. Arrrrrgggh! (That’s a pirate joke.)

 

idiot-pirate

Make better choices, Courtney.

Tommy tells Lady Bach he doesn’t have a personality. I mean, a BIG personality. She pretty much agrees with him. You can tell she’s still thinking about Pasta Pirate not pashing her.

This encounter has about as much romantic depth as an oven mitt.

At least he gets a hug too. But this time Lady Bach actually means it, yo.

 

georgia-unsure

Are you with catering?

 

ROSE CEREMONY

Captain Sunshine strangely enough seems a little apprehensive about the whole sharing-a-girlfriend thing. Talks himself out of it with a positive attitude and a high five.

Matty gets Lady Bach alone and decides to spend it playing charades. Are charades back or something?

Jake and Sam seem really nervous about some “big show” they’ve got planned for Lady Bach. I really hope it’s a strip duet – you definitely don’t see enough of that on a 7.30pm time slot.

Meanwhile, Lady Bach gets mad at Pasta Pirate for giving her alone time with Tommy, how very dare he.

Pasta Pirate just wants to play fair. Snore……

Sadly, no double striptease. Unless there’s a penis under that silver platter. Oh wait…

In actuality, the two lads have made their communal girlfriend a fancy, ball-shaped dessert. (Lol, ball.)

But srzly, it’s like an Adriano Zumbo creation. I think this might be a subliminal Masterchef promotion. Like, when has ANYONE EVER seen Sam or Jake bake or roast anything, aside from the other guys in the house? WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM?!

 

sam-jake-high-five

High five for random cross-promotion!

Jake never really had anything to worry about tbh because Lady Bach still gets a minge twinge whenever he’s around. (I stole that from Gogglebox. It’s my new favourite thing to say.)

HOW COULD YOU LEAVE CAPTAIN SUNSHINE IN THE BOTTOM TWO, GEORGIA?! HOW COULD YOU!!

Obviously he doesn’t go home, but still. I did not appreciate that at all.

 

how-dare-you-gif

To give Lady Bach props, she knows she don’t got no chemistry with Tommy and takes him outside to say it to his face. (Side note – outside chats are already happening?)

Despite his lack of sparkles with Lady Bach, Tommy seems like good people.

Sorry I was so mean to you, Tommy.

OMG I CANNOT WAIT UNTIL NEXT WEEK! INTRUDER DUDES!

Man, this shit is going forward at break neck speed.

 

 

 

 

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The Bachelorette Season 2: Mills and Dudes

23 Sep

It’s kind of hard for me to start this recap because apparently Georgia Love doesn’t do any poignant water thinking or exercise thinking. I guess she just spends her time dating dudes and taking names. Ain’t no one got time for that water crap, amiright?

 

im-busy

 

Moving on. It’s the first morning in the Mansion that Spotlight Built and is it just me or has the Tuscan Kitchen been given a quick little bro makeover? All the said bros are chillin in their casual denim and flannies chatting about their night at the cocktail partay, that is, until Osher shows up and puts all their denim dreams to shame. Funnily enough he’s got a date card and no time to stick around.

Instead, Resident Narrator Aaron does the reading-of-date-card honors and gives the single date to Jake. Remember guys, Jake gave up his seat for Lee so he is, like, some kind of Ghandi incarnate and Lady Bach’s lady parts felt tingly things when she met him.

 

ghandi

Totally would. 

 

For their date, they go to the Three Sisters/Blue Mountains or something. In other words, NATURE.  But obviously this date is going to involve doing things high up and probably dangling from these high up things. In this case, dangling from the scenic railway. Poor Jake is shitting bricks but takes it on the chin. Or the helmet. Whichever.

Unfortunately nothing dangerous really happens and they abseil safely to the ground. Then they go to some fancy place called The Carrington. You know shit is fancy when the buildings have names, yo.

Before we know it, shit is getting hella serious when they start talking about their mums having cancer. The C word is never really funny so I’mma leave that one.

More talking and staring at each other and it looks like they’ll probably pash…

……and yep. FIRST PASH OF THE SEASON! WEEEE!!

 

georgia-jake-kiss

No sign of pinky ring from this angle…

 

Yep. Final Three for Jake. Calling it now. You can quote me if you like.

Meanwhile the other lads are all back at the Manch planning Jake’s possible death.

 

GROUP DATE

The inaugural early-in-the-season-photoshoot has arrived, surprise surprise, early in the season.

Quote of the night goes to lovable nervous pooer Ben when he finds out he’s on the group date – “Do we have to RSVP for this?” The more he talks, the more I like him.

For their super fancy photoshoot it’s all about the country. Country. Horses. Nature. Puffer vests. Much nature.

In fact, it is a legit shoot for Mills & Boon’s new book series set in the Aussie Outback and the dudes will be split into small groups to have cover shots taken with Lady Bach. Except Cameron. He gets his own. Because he’s adorable. The rest of the dudes look super psyched about it. Except Cameron.

Umm, side note…am I the only one who’s super keen to read this shit? Gawd I hope there’s a character called Barry. Or Steve. Or Banjo. That would be crackers. (Is that an Aussie thing? I don’t really know…) Regardless, the optimism is practically palpable when the lads realise that maybe this means they’ll make some serious dolla bills off the royalties.

 

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I hope they re-use this title in the new series!

 

But there’s really no time for this kind of positivity because what has now started is the BATTLE OF THE MAN SORT OF MODELS! It is Sam vs. Rhys in an epic contest of white guy rigs and hair flipping. Obviously the der-rama for this episode and possibly erry episode for the rest of this season will be centered around Sam hating Rhys for being a model. Or something.

Shoot 1 – Lady Bach is put in Courtney’s arms while the other plebs carry logs and stuff. What a stitch up. Meanwhile, I actually hate being carried like that. Not that that many men offer to carry me in a fireman lift these days, but whatevs… I feel like a complete gumby.

Shoot 2 – Lady Bach is up on a white horse with Lee. Matt gets stuck on the ground making friends with the horse’s face. They’re not even trying to make it hard for us to guess who she likes best. Poor Matt.

Shoot 3 – The Two Epic Models. And Clancy. Rhys gets his rig out and Sam is not okay with it. Just quietly, does anyone else love Sam now? Like, I know he has terrible attitudes towards women and is probably the worst kind of guy to date and we’re supposed to hate him, but these claws of his are super sassy and hilarious.

Shoot 4 – Just Cam. Because he’s a babe. This sucks for me though, because all the local fireman around my area are 50-plus and balding. They kind of nearly kiss. No one is sure.

 

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Nothing says romance quite like an akubra. 

 

ROSE CEREMONY

Rhys has a poem. Because of COURSE he does. Just when we thought we got through the meet-and-greets without any awkward poetry…nekk minit…Rhys. Unfortunately it’s not that good. It doesn’t really rhyme properly. Or did I miss the memo about new-age hipster poetry intentionally being a bit crap?

According to one of the dudes whose name I have yet to care about, the “masculine energy” in the house has risen. Or does he just mean Sam’s hatred Rhys. This is getting serious. Will there be a table flip tonight? Even if there isn’t, I am enjoying Sam’s impressions of his nemesis and general bitchiness.

 

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Sam tries to convince Lady Bach that Rhys is just an awful, scarf-wearing model/devil but gets interrupted by none other than Rhys before he can tell her to boot him off.

Not that it really matters anyway. She keeps them both so that Australia’s viewing audience can enjoy at least another week of this strange, yet oddly fulfilling feud. Instead, it’s Ben who’s sent packing. But surely they cannot send the nervous pooer home this early in the game? It’s just so cruel! I actually feel awful. For realz. I have real feelings about this, Lady Bach.

 

Watch yoself.

 

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Also this.

 

 

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The Bachelorette Season 2: The path to Georgia’s Love

22 Sep

I wasn’t going to recap The Bachelorette, I really wasn’t. But I have a sickness and no sooner had I watched the first episode of Season 2, that I felt the inexplicable need to give my opinion on it. So…yeah. Here we are, guys.

The producers barely had enough time to clean the chocolate bath remnants from the Tuscan Mansion that Spotlight Built before Lady Love and her crew took over the place. Luckily though, one of the work experience kids managed to nip back down to Bed, Bath ‘n’ Table and stock up on more metallic candle holders and expensive throw rugs. Crisis averted.

I just hope they gave Osher a weekend off or something to recover.

But here he is, looking his dapper self, and ready to introduce us to Australia’s newest Bachelorette – Georgia Love.

So who is she?

Well, she’s a journalist and news reporter who lives in Tasmania and was probably the best option they had since I’m guessing Cool Girl Heather and Well Traveled Lana turned down the gig. But Lady Bach seems pretty sweet and, despite her bad habit of speaking like she’s on the five o’clock news, is a stone cold fox. But the poor thing has put her successful career first for the last decade, how very dare she, and has thus been punished by the Gods of romance for not giving it all up to find a man. Until now…

 

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This is what you get for having a career.

 

Instead of going home to her cold career, hopefully Lady Love will be going home to one of the 16 bachelors Channel 10 and the Myer Briggs test have picked out for her… I just really hope the “relationship experts” from Married at First Sight weren’t involved…

But before I give you my run-down on the fellas, can I just say it is actually bullshit that she only gets 16 dudes and Bachie Cool Bananas got 23 ladies. MAYBE it was because Richie needed more personalities in the house to overshadow his own, but I think I’m being too optimistic here. This is just straight-up anti-feminism! Does Susan Sarandon know about this?

Anywhoo, Lady Love is all decked out in her elegant and virginal white gown, living out my personal dream of standing on her driveway and just waiting for hot men in limos to pull up and impress her. And if by “impress” you mean making awkward conversation and wearing a lot of velvet suits, then yes, they are very impressive. Many velvet, much pinky rings.

I’m not going to give a run down on erry single one because you and I both have a life, but here are the standouts:

Cameron: Firefighter. Very cute. Likes Disney. Will most likely be in the Final 3 due to my other Bachie theory, not dissimilar to the Dress theory, that the first suitor introduced is usually a major contender. You heard it here first.

Jake: Forgot what he does but he’s from the Gold Coast. He’s really cute except he wears a pinky ring. Ew. It’s a no from me, but Bachie Love doesn’t seem to care. High chance of going rogue and punching someone later due to aforementioned description.

Rhys: Model and Entrepreneur. This means he’s probably a barista at a hipster cafe and runs a semi-popular tumblr account. Basically says anyone can be as hot as he is if they just try harder. Tries hard to speak French. Is shit.

Courtney: Also forgot what he does but something to do with kids? Super adorbs but I think I’m biased because he’s wearing a plaid shirt and gives her a pasta bracelet.

Carlos: Self-proclaimed Business Mogul. So…a stripper. He doesn’t even try to hide it. Clearly producer’s pick for ratings as not even the Married at First Sight relationship experts would pair him with Georgia. Also wears pinky ring and looks greasy. I hope he stays.

Lee: Mechanical Plumber. I’m not 100% sure what this means but I bet he’s good with his hands or…something. Offers Lady Bach his jacket while swooning over her eyes but obviously stylists crack the shits and make him take it back. Oh yeah, also brings a donkey with him, NBD. A donkey in a mexican costume, no less. Asks, “does my ass look big in this?” Ten points to Gryffindor.

 

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#animalrights

 

Ben: Miner. Extreme Aussie and clearly there for comic relief. Self-proclaimed nervous pooer. Bless. Trips over on his way up the stairs. Jury still out on whether it was legit an accident or excuse to use bad pun. Either way I’m okay with it.

Clancy: Has beard. May not have beard by end of night.

Sam: Claims to be an electrician but I really don’t know if I’d let him anywhere near live wires. But well done to the producers because this guy is television heaven. Explains that he rarely has to try very hard as women usually just go to him, hence why he’s still single and on a dating show? Wonders if Georgia will be able to keep his attention for more than a week. What a sweetheart! And by attention he means asking her a series of inane questions that he probably stole from a bad Buzzfeed quiz. Wins Quote of the Night with, “I don’t know what planet she’s from that she doesn’t agree with everything I say?” Thank you, Channel 10. Thank you.

COCKTAIL PARTY

Off to an excellent start. Lady Bach enters in all her glory only to stack it down the stairs. And suddenly every woman in Australia goes lesbian for a moment because, lesbihonest, Georgia is all of us after a few drinks. She brushes it off like no big deal but then secretly wants to die in her private interview. Basically me everyday.

 

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Georgia at the cocktail party…

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…Georgia IRL

 

After that, the der-rama takes a bit of a nose dive. I really hate to say this, but dudes are not as interesting as chicks are at the cocktail parties. All that happens is that they form a line to talk to Lady Bach. It’s kind of sweet but also super weird.

Meanwhile, Rhys and some guy called Aaron find each other and begin what looks to be a beautiful bromance. They make a lot of cringe-worthy jokes and then laugh a lot of those jokes and I can’t help but wonder if this is what I’m like with my friends when we’ve been drinking and, if so, someone should probs just put me out of my misery. Although a little part of me does hope they turn on each other and flip tables and shit because that would be way more entertaining.

 

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The real love story of the season.

 

OOHH CONTROVERSY ALERT!

Guys, even though Lady Love has waaaay more personality than Bachie Bananas did, they’re not giving her a White Sex Rose! Obviously this is NOT. OKAY. WITH. ME. Less men to pick from and now no Sex Rose. What’s next? The men not having to compete in humiliating challenges?!

What Lady Bach does get is some pissy little orange rose called the “First Impression Rose” which is actually just the Rose of Lies! Poor Osher tries to sell it like a #reallybigdeal but it turns out it works basically the same as the regular roses, it’s just the lucky dude gets given it earlier in the night. And gets to choose ONE date with Lady Bach and ONE group date. No escaping up to the White Rose Sex Hideaway whenever the mood strikes.

If I was Lady Bach I would be piiiiiiiiiissed.

The lucky/not-so-lucky recipient is Courtney and maybe I’m okay with that decision. I always knew plaid shirts were a good life choice.

ROSE CEREMONY

Poor Georgia has to send home two dudes out of an already small pool of 16! I mean, I’m no scientist, but isn’t it LADIES who are the better sex at multi-tasking?! Are we legitimately going into the beginning of this new season with a measly FOURTEEN MEN?! What good can possibly come of that?

Regardless, Lady Bach must do as she is told and so she sends home Carlos and a white guy whose name I did not learn. Seeing as Carlos was clearly the producers pick, I’m very surprised they let that slide. Perhaps they feel bad for shafting poor Lady Love at every other opportunity. And by shafting I’m not trying to make bad sexual innuendo. For once.

 

Ah well, at least Sam and his codependent attitude are still there. And the donkey. Or…at least I think the donkey is still there?

Guys?

 

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