Tag Archives: Bachelor

The Bachelor Season 5 Recap: Serious Business

10 Aug

Guys this might just be my most important recap in the history of all the sarcastic recaps I have ever written.

And it has nothing to do with the “sudden” DER-RAMA that wasn’t really der-rama at all last night. (Some girl called Sian wasn’t feeling it with the Matty vibes and yeah…that’s about it. He took her outside and they were both like kthanx byyyyyyye!)

No.

It’s also nothing to do with the fact that a lot of the women jumped out of a plane and one of them cried.

It ALSO has nothing to do with the fact that one of the girls revealed she used to be in the Hockeyroos aka THE FUNKING OLYMPICS which seems like something I would normally latch right onto like a fox terrier.

None of these things.

It has everything to do with this:

 

PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE SURE YOUR ENROLMENT DETAILS ARE UP TO DATE AND YOU VOTE YES FOR MARRIAGE EQUALITY ON THIS STUPID PLEBISITE BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER I CAN GO ON WRITING ABOUT THIS FARCICAL HUSBAND COMPETITION WHILE THE PEOPLE WHO RUN THIS COUNTRY ARE SPENDING MILLIONS OF DOLLARS JUST TO BE STRAIGHT UP ASSHOLES.

 

“This is just offensive.”

 

I mean, in a way, it’s kind of similar to the way the producers are assholes to the girls on this show e.g. purposefully having the girl with the morbid fear of heights jump from 14000 feet whilst being filmed. So if that kind of thing makes you angry, please take a moment to try and redirect that anger towards this revolting parade of discrimination and time-wasting.

 

“Gee, when was the last time I checked my enrolment?”

 

Oh, and make sure you remember that, once you vote YES, you remember to send that sucker back which sounds pretty simple but I barely have any clue about where my closest post box is.

 

“Am I even enrolled? Better check brb.”

 

Choose love y’all.

 

The Bachelor Season 5 Recap: Game of Thorns

3 Aug

Daa daa danana-na da da dada da da dada something something Peter Dinklage…

(That’s meant to be the Game of Thrones theme song btw.)

This week, Matchie takes us on a trip back to Westeros where all transportation is via water and the lead-up to the first kiss was more dramatic than the GOT Season 7 premiere.

However, before winter can come ifyouknowwhaddamean, Matchie has to take one of the girls on a single date.

Luckily Akoulina gets her hands on the date card first because I really love it whenever she says anything. Her talking face is the kind of intense you’d come to expect from one of those fortune tellers who works in a crystal store and wears a lot of bangles.

She announces that whoever the lucky lady is, she only has 15 minutes to get ready, how very dare they, but fortunately the date goes to Laura the Jewelry Designer who is already super natural and stylish because she wears a lots of rings on her fingers. Akoulina tries to give her a high five but is left hanging because Laura is already busily thinking about which pendant she should wear.

And what a funking surprise, they’re going on a boat/doing something in water. Wait, wasn’t last week’s date on a boat too? Has Channel 10 called in the big guns from Boating Camping and Fishing and sealed a sponsorship deal or something? (Can you even buy boats from there? I literally have no idea.)

To give them their dues, if we’re on board (geddit) with the Game of Thrones thing, I guess everyone in Westeros has to travel by boat or shadow demon, and since shadow demons are a bit hard to find, at least they’re trying to team with the theme.

Basically guys, if you haven’t already picked up on it, Laura could be Georgia Love’s long-lost twin….okay long-lost cousin AT LEAST. Which is why now it is abundantly clear to me why Matchie seems to be totally gaga for her and why he gifted her with the first pash of the season. Oh yeah *Spoiler Alert!*

But before they get to that, they talk about boats way too much; specifically how big this particular boat seems to be.

“The boat was like, really big.” – Laura, 2017.

This is also a boat. 

A few pinots and some poop deck action later, Laura gets a case of the word vomits and reveals she has travelled to India so naturally I have now christened her Eat Pray (Georgia) Love.

Now, because Eat Pray (Georgia) Love did an Arts degree and is a designer and is v v creative, Matchie finally ushers her ashore so that she can sketch him because it is way cheaper than paying someone at Star Shotz.

Oh no, wait, Matchie is also going to sketch her so I spose that’s fair. I mean, as he explains it, he did enter the drawing competition at the Brookfield Show a lot as a kid and OMG I USED TO GO TO THE BROOKFIELD SHOW EVEN THOUGH IT WAS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF TOWN TO MY HOUSE WHY DIDN’T WE MEET THERE WHY DIDN’T I DO THE DRAWING COMPETITION LIFE COULD HAVE BEEN SO DIFFERENT!!

Matchie’s drawing of Laura 

JOKES!

Actually it looks like the kind of self-portrait you might find in the archives of a rundown asylum.

They head on over to Random Sexy Cheese Couch #1 for the evening and do a whole lot of not much but staring at each other and wanting to kiss but not kissing. Until finally Matty says it’s hard to pinpoint why he likes Laura, but she does look exactly the same as the woman who put his heart in a Nutri Bullet. And then they kiss.

A lot.

So much so that it starts to make me feel things in my lower regions, but I can’t decide if that’s because of the kissing or because I might have eaten some bad sushi earlier.

Matchie gives Eat Pray (Georgia) Love a rose and a ticket for one more week in his girlfriend palace. Honestly, if that’s just their first kiss, I dunno how she’s going to survive the rest of the season. When a guy touches your face that much it does things to your brain.

It’s like we’ve known each other since last year’s Bachelorette…

Meanwhile, back at the Drama Kabana (oh god I love this name so hard and I didn’t even have to come up with it) Simone is very busy doing a lot of cat’s bum face and talking about how much she hates Leah. How convenient, then, that they are both invited on the…

GROUP DATE!

This is the bit where they get to go to a medieval fair, because nothing spells romance like a time in history when women were sold by their fathers to wrinkly old men for little more than a 50 cent piece.

No actually, they’re here as a tribute, and I use the term loosely, to that time Matchie lived in London and, “…emersed myself in the history and culture,” aka he drank a crap tonne of cider and lived in an apartment with 18 other people and has absolutely nothing to do with the fact they still had the props left over from The Bachelorette last year. KULCHA!

All the girls rock up in denim shorts and crop tops amidst the badass medieval role-players who are salty AF. Which I guess you would be if you had to put yourself in danger for the sake of this show.

Do not f*** with me, mates.

The afternoon basically comprises of a couple of undignified games the women have to play in oversized Elizabethan gowns so that they may secure a spot at Matchie’s banquet table later on. Oh, and btw, there’s going to be a sudden Rose Ceremony right after this date, so yeah, y’all be playing the game of thrones now.

Simone/Arya Stark cannot go a minute without plotting the death of Leah/Cersei. Lucky for her, they both get to do this thing where they have to chase innocent piglets and try and put them in baskets. Unlucky for her, though, she’s shit at it and Cersei wins.

 

Better luck next time, bebe.

Then Matty asks four other girls to jump in his sacks and throw rings around a phallic structure. Belinda, the Love Coach, seems unnaturally happy about this and all of a sudden I’m very worried for the future of her business.

The final challenge is a Trial by Combat, I mean, soccer game. In dresses. I don’t remember much about it except one of them copped a ball to da boob.

Eventually, six girls are crowned the winners and are taken to Random Sexy Cheese Banquet Table #2 for dinner.

Over aforementioned dinner, Matchie asks the girls about what it’s like to live in The House That Spotlight Built which is a weird thing to ask when he LITERALLY JUST MOVED OUT OF THAT HOUSE 9 MONTHS AGO!

Anyway, he takes Alix outside for a chat about… body painting I guess? But then Cersei bullies Elise/Sansa into going out and interrupting them via pretending to top up their wine glasses, then, not three minutes later, interrupts HER right before she gets to tell Matchie the second most important thing about her.

Poor Sansa.

Cersei then explains via evil monologue, that she is willing to, “play a different game…I’m happy to play the sad, crying one if I need to.” And then she launches into a strange, tear-soaked speech about how her mum’s a nurse…and…that’s about the extent of it. It is heart-wrenching stuff.

Look, hate on her all you want, but we all know the show would be nothing without Cersei to get drunk and f*** shit up all the time, you feel me?

ROSE CEREMONY

Because it’s a super dramatic, impromptu ceremony immediately after the group date, the poor ladies are still wearing their ridiculous peasant gowns.

Simone/Arya keeps reciting her kill list in her head which only consists of Leah/Cersei at this point and does no actual good because of course Cersei survives.

But then OUT OF NOWHERE Matchie dumps Akoulina aka Fortune Teller aka Fleur Delacour for no obvious reason apart from the fact that she can’t catch a pig.

Look, I’m sure she was sweet, but it’s probably for the best she’s out now before she had a chance to wrap Matchie up in her love ribbons.

 

When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die.

The Bachelor Season 4: Homeward Bound

9 Sep

Aside from the Dates with Sex episodes (which no longer exist, technically, despite my numerous letters to Channel 10 – I’m never gonna let it go, guys) it’s my other favorite episode! Bachie meets the parents! I’ve always loved grilled banana as a dessert, and now I get to see it in human form. That sounded weird…

Not content with shirtless squat thrusts or lat pulls (yeah, I know exercise) we’ve now moved on to shirtless shaving. Bachie Bananas poignantly reflects on his four girlfriends while he shaves the minimal stubble from his cheek. Obviously it is very difficult to do this with a shirt on. And obviously one must follow up their shirtless shaving with a healthy smoothie before there can be any elimination of girlfriends. Eat lean, shave clean.

 

shaving

Oh gosh this is a difficult job

 

ALEX

So Alex has been hiding something from us. She lives in a funking winery apparently. There are LOTS of horses, fresh air and nature. And grapes. Alex does some serious grapes thinking about how the man who made her eat lamb’s guts would be such a great father to her kid.

Now that I know where you live, babe, I’d be your baby daddy, NBD.

Bachie Bananas explains to us that Single Mum Alex is, “like no one I’ve ever met – strong, beautiful and intelligent.” Sooo…I guess that makes the other three girls barnyard slappers? I sometimes think he just forgets what show he’s the star of. Poor pet.

Alex explains that, although it is hometown dates and the idea is for her communal boyfriend to be roasted by her proud family members, she has decided NOT to introduce Richie to her son. This is super disappointing…for me. Surprise surprise, Bachie Bananas is almost as bad at pretending to be disappointed as he is pretending to not be reading off cue cards. He tells her that he totes understands and practically wipes the sweat off his brow.

(Then they do that flashback to when Alex showed him the photo album of Elijah and she said that, “put a name to a face” thing, which still annoys me to no end. IT’S THE OTHER WAY AROUND! He’s putting a FACE to the NAME! Am I the only one who was bothered by this? Probs.)

Regardless, NOT introducing your communal boyfriend to your naive, impressionable child is a rookie mistake, Alex. Remember last year when Snezana introduced Woody to her daughter Eve on hometown visits to LOCK THAT SHIT DOWN? I know it seems perhaps a little unreasonable to expose a child to this kind of emotional risk, but this is The Bachelor babe – the laws of reason are redundant. Gawd, who even ARE you, Alex?! WHO ARE YOU?!

So for now we have to settle for Alex’s other family – her mum, sister and brother.  There is nothing I love more than an overly- protective brother, and Alex’s bro, Adam, is adequetely terrifying. And dem brows… on fleek. Adam’s brows run through the usual protective brother gauntlet of questions until he straight up asks Bachie if he’s ever cheated on a girlfriend before? No offense, Adam, but… that is basically the entire premise of this show. The best part is that Richie says no…

 

faith-kissing

Umm..remember dis?

nikki-kiss

Or dis? 

 

But then he mentions that, “he sees that kind of thing in his job,” quite often as he’s flying in and out of different cities.

HOLD UP.

They FLY ropes technicians around the country? Where can I study this?! What even IS a ropes technician?!

However, I know it’s early days, but I’m gonna give MVP to Adam and his brows for the most on-point comment ever in the history of this season. After listening to Sir Bananas awkwardly stumble through the conversation, Adam says, “I feel like he’s said this a thousand times before.”

 

adam-brows

The brows know.

 

Ten points to Gryffindor! You are absolutely correct, my friend. This is pretty much what we’ve all been bitching about since July!

Oh yeah, Alex reveals she loves Richie. We know.

 

OLENA

Of course they’ve got Olena doing some sexy exercising. It’s tennis. She’s doing some serious tennis thinking.

Because she’s Ukrainian with a former boxing champion for a dad, they’re trying to give her a bit of a Jelena Dokic spin. Remember that tennis player with the crazy ass dad who beat people up and went to jail? Yeah I’d be scared too.

 

Prison guards escort Damir Dokic to the courtroom for the retrial, Thursday, Sept. 24, 2009, in Ruma, northwest of Belgrade, Serbia.  The father of tennis player Jelena Dokic, Damir Dokic was sentenced recently to 15-months in jail on charges that he "endangering the security" of the Australian ambassador in Belgrade and unlawful possession of weapons, but a retrial was ordered after a higher court annulled the first verdict.(AP Photo/Srdjan Ilic)

 

The most amusing thing that happens is that Richie is super shit at tennis and gets his bananas handed to him by Olena. He tries to save face by reminding us he’s been taking her on, “these extravagant dates,” so it’s kinda nice to just be kicking it on a tennis court.

Mate, who you kidding?

 

mud

Remember dis? #extravagant

 

They approach Olena’s house where Richie should basically just prepare to die, when Olena reassures him she’s shitting bricks. I don’t wanna be racist, but if that doesn’t secure a girl Australian citizenship, I dunno what would. Olena is now my favorite.

We meet Olena’s family, i.e. her terrifying father, and what follows is fifteen minutes of Richie desperately trying to seem tough and get Daddy Dokic to like him:

Richie: I took Olena on a motorbike. I love motorbikes. Please like me, I’m super tough, I promise.

Dad: I f*cking hate bikes. And now I’mma beat tha shiiit outta you. Kthnxbye.

And that’s what happens. He takes him outside to the boxing bag and we watch as another member of the Olena family hand Richie his own, now squashed, bananas. It’s excellent television. Better yet, Dad still haaates him.

 

boxing-richie

Haha! Please like me!

 

And so does Olena’s sister. Girl is just, “Like, don’t you feel weird him dating other chicks? Isn’t that weird?! It’s f*cking weird.”

(MENULOG MENULOG! OLENA’S FAMILY USE MENULOG!)

For a solid minute or so I thought Olena’s scary dad and sassy sister were going to team up and beat the crap out of Richie.

But there was no fight. I’m disappointed. I stopped paying attention. But I remember they sneaked in a pash before dad came back out with his boxing gloves on.

 

RACHEL

Rachel is over in Perth doing some serious beach thinking. She wonders why, since they’re both from Perth, it’s taken them THIS long to meet?

Look, I’ve never been to Perth but I’m fairly sure it’s a big place. Like, I’m from the smallest city ever (Brisbane) and I still managed to avoid my primary school boyfriend for fifteen years and we lived a few suburbs apart. (We had a bad break-up. There were tazos and another girl’s erasers involved. I don’t wanna talk about it.)

Already we know she’s going home. He’s using complicated phrases like, “big enough of a connection” and the like. And she also has not-blonde hair.  “You’re always good at everything, Richie,” the poor girl laughs. Yeah. Except for sentences. Not so good at that.

Wait, is this amazing beach shack she’s taken him to her HOUSE? Be still my beating heart…what is this place? Fish and chips, champagne, a gentle sea breeze? This is my dream home. Okay, take a breath, Lauren. It’s just a restaurant. Calm down.

They arrive at Rachel’s parents ACTUAL home. Is that a bottle of Ricca Donna I see in her hand? Suddenly it’s 2005.

Not-Blonde Rachel tells us that her dad has super good intuition and that whatever he decides of Richie will pretty much be it for her. So he’s some sort of fortune teller. That’s cool.

 

fortune-teller

I have a feeling he’ll pick the blondes.

 

Nothing else that interesting happens until they sit down to dinner. There are a lot of dudes at the table with long hair. I have no idea who they are but they are probably related to Rachel.

Someone else related to Rachel is her sister who is basically the Overly Protective Brother Adam in this scenario except with lady parts. She asks Bachie Bananas if he is in love with Rachel and then sits back and watches him try and say words for about five minutes. On the other hand, sis does have blonde hair, so part of me is surprised Richie didn’t just tell her she was gorgeous and try and pash her.

 

rachel-sister

Right hair colour. Wrong sister. 

 

For some reason Fortune Teller Dad is getting good vibes from the dude who made his daughter fight other women in hot pants so he gives them his blessing. Then someone says they never throw love around willy-nilly. Because Perth.

I think that was all. She’s going home. I just know it. Sorry dad.

 

NIKKI

Nikki is from some rando town in Western Australia called Northam, a.k.a butt-f*ck Idaho. So she does some serious outback thinking.

When Richie arrives they do this really awkward thing called a conversation on the top of Northam lookout while the semi-trailers zoom past. Nikki explains that her family are from the racing industry and I don’t really know what that means, but I hope it involves a lot of drinking and people taking off their shoes.

SURPRISE! They go to the races. But there’s no one else there. Probs cos no one else lives in Northam.

Eventually, they get sick of sitting on a Random Sex Couch at the races and head to Nikki’s palatial home because I’m almost positive “being in the racing industry” means her family might be Northam royalty. Everyone in her family like Richie because obviously Nikki is going to win, so they’d better.

Except for her Aussie AF brother-in-law Snowy who is.not.having.a.bar.of.it.

This guy means business and takes Richie outside to drink beer and grill shit on a barbecue.

I don’t really know what Snowy stands for, but I do know that this is ICE COLD #seewhatididthere. Although I’ve already given MVP to Brother Adam, I’m going to give Best Playmaker of the evening to Snowy for this nugget of wisdom:

“Just imagine the worst point of your life. Don’t worry about all their fancy shit and what they look like and stuff.” Yes, Snowy. Yes.

 

snowy

Can grill. 

 

Once again, nothing really interesting happens after that. Nikki tells her sister she’s in love with a man she’s spent all of a day or two with. Her sister seems to be on board. Just pick her already, Richie. For realz. I’m tired.

 

ROSE CEREMONY

Guys, I’m not even going to waste your time here. I was right. Rachel goes home because she dared to keep her natural brunette roots visibly brunette, how very dare she. She takes it well though and manages to put one last one on the board for us classy girls of the brunette variety.

Alex cries at how lucky she is to still be in the running for Bachie’s bananas. Olena kind of looks annoyed. Nikki just knows she’s got this.

I hate to say it but good God I’m looking forward to this season ending and I haven’t even watched half of it.

 

tired-gif

This is me. 

 

 

 

 

 

The Bachelor Season 4: (Adult) Baby did a bad, bad thing

2 Sep

Guys, things are getting desperate over at Channel 10. It seems they got wise on the fact the last several episodes have been whiter than a slice of TipTop and have, subsequently, brought in the big guns. And by big guns, I mean Hamish Blake. And by Hamish Blake, I mean Hamish Blake as an adult baby called Rory.

What a time to be alive.

But first….

The six remaining bitches are sitting around their Tuscan villa, surrounded by the entire Spring catalog from Bed Bath’n’Table, chatting about how dreamy their manfriend is. Frightening phrases like, “He’s everything a girl could want in a partner!” and, “I feel so special with Richie!” are being thrown around willy nilly, again, reminding us that this is a dude they have spent no more than 12 hours with in total. The young guy who serves me my hangover latte and hash brown at McCafe makes me feel more special than that.

Overhearing this enthusiastic display, Osher arrives to lecture them like Year 11’s going into VCE; spending quality time with a man is important if you want to fall in love. And dates are the way to do that. Well, I know I just learnt something today.

SINGLE DATE

Goes to Overly Bubbly Blonde Faith. No surprises here but she is super excited and bubbly to go on her second date with Bachie Bananas. So much so that she goes and changes out of her already lovely crop top into another crop top. But it’s beige. Just like this date is probs going to be… or is it??

Suddenly Richie shows up to collect Faith and explain to her in front of his other girlfriends why he chose her for another date and why their connection is important to him and the ick factor goes through the funking roof. Like, I KNOW the show is about these women competing for the one dude, but good God man, don’t sh*t where you eat!

God bless you, Hamish Blake, for arriving just as things were getting hella awkward.

The zany, totally-not-a-grab-for-ratings twist this episode is that Hamish is going to accompany them on their date. Yes, poor Richie is so bad at being entertaining on dates that they’ve resorted to giving him a wingman. Hamish explains that they’re going to be looking after a “real life toddler.” Both Bachie Bananas and Faith cackle hysterically for a moment, because obviously Hamish is a comedian and obviously this is a big joke.

“Hahahaha! Oh my god! Wait…a REAL toddler?”

shocked gif

The real life toddler is, in fact, Hamish himself, who will be dressed as three year-old adult baby, Rory for the day. If either of his “parents” fail to look after him, he will stop the date. Oh the zaniness!

No, but seriously, Rory is actually heaven as he wastes no time throwing awkward questions at Richie like, “Is mummy the ONLY one for daddy?” To give Bachie credit, he does manage to reply with a semi-genuine “Yes” before Faith asks him to look at her when he says that. Cue Classic Richie Laughter followed by uncomfortable pause.

shocked gif

Hahahahaha! That was so funny…

More great questions from Rory – there’s even a reference to Richie’s clear favoritism towards blondes. He tries to deflect again by using a metaphor for it’s what’s on the inside that counts/as long as the flavor of ice-cream is delicious. As long as that flavor is blonde, though, amiright? Hahahaha!

Next stop is a fancy, hipster cafe where Rory goes ape sh*t and upends tables and pours drinks on the floor. It is at this point that I realise this would basically be my dream job as an actor. A) Overalls are super comfy B) I already have a sippy cup and it’s pretty much the best $5 I ever spent and C) Getting paid to carry on about childish crap and complain that you’re not getting enough attention is already my everyday life.

But it is disturbing to notice the large gaggle of blondes seated at the cafe – is this the Blonde Bitch Holding Cell? Like, is this where they keep their reserves should one of the originals forget to do her roots!? Big questions to answer, Channel 10…

Finally they go bowling and Rory freaking out in the middle of a lane is pretty much me this entire season…

hamish

What is happening?!

The only other funny thing that happens that isn’t because of Hamish, is when Bachie Bananas sings a gentle “Twinkle twinkle little dinkle” to his adoptive adult baby while doing wee-wee. #adulting.

Back at The Tuscan Villa that Spotlight Built, Mummy Faith and Daddy Richie attempt to put their adult baby to bed.  There’s a lot of pants pulling and grabbing of the bed…and not in the sex way which is disappointing. Richie legit has to wrestle Rory out of his overalls. I know this is meant to be funny, and I know that I don’t have a kid, but I’m pretty sure this is not that far off from real life. (I guess the only difference is that actual three year-olds can’t ask their fathers sassy, judgmental questions. Or maybe they can…kids are getting super rude these days.)

Overly Bubbly Faith and Bachie Bananas eventually collapse on the couch with MENULOG MENULOG DID YOU KNOW YOU COULD ORDER WINE THROUGH MENULOG. Faith picks Italian food and Richie stupidly picks white wine.

YOU DRINK RED WINE WITH ITALIAN FOOD, YOU FOOL!

(Wow, I think that’s the most passionate I’ve been about this season in weeks. I nearly scared myself.)

 

menulog

I wonder if Hamish got paid in Menulog?

 

GROUP DATE

Oh wait, there’s no group date. Apparently the producers paid Hamish Blake all of their budget to inject some actual entertainment into this episode, so instead, Richie takes Rachel into the back garden to sit on a Random Sex Chair. Except there are no candles, cheese platters or ostentatious decorations. Yep, sh*t is grim.

The theme of this non-date is ‘The Five Sense’ – in other words, they are going to eat some sh*t, smell some sh*t, touch some sh*t, listen to some sh*t and speak some sh*t. Not actual sh*t, but you get the idea. Although speaking and eating some sh*t is practically all they’ve done for the last 2 months so Rachel should be a total pro.

Zzzzz…nothing interesting happens. Hamish Blake has gone home and taken the Menulog with him.

 

rachel date

You mean Hamish isn’t coming back?

There is a point where Bachie offers to massage Rachel’s feet, but she admits she hasn’t washed them (umm..WHAT?!) and suddenly Bachie’s Banana shrivels back up into his body and he seamlessly switches to giving her a boring hand massage instead. And here I was hoping he might condemn her filthy ways to a nunnery or something else dramatic like that.

The producers have reminded Richie to put a lid on all the flattery and roses to try and maintain at least a tiny bit of mystery, so like Overly Bubbly Faith before her, Rachel is denied a rose.

I don’t think I care.

ROSE CEREMONY

Because none of the bitches are going into the Rose Ceremony with rose in hand, actual tension seems to be building in the Bed Bath’n’Table display room. Single Mum Alex no longer gives any f***s about waiting for Richie to take HER to the White Rose Sex Room and waves her magic white wand quick smart.

Up in the Sex Den, Alex reveals she has hidden a secret photo album of Richie sleeping her son in the cushions of a chair. Cue a lot of talk about responsibility and children and other stuff related to having kids. Bachie looks legit terrified. But Alex ain’t no fool, cos erryone knows that the guy who kicks off a lady who just showed him pictures of the child that came out of her lady parts is basically the biggest douche canoe ever in the world.

 

crazy girlfriend

She just KNOWS.

Well played, Single Mum. And well played on the leather bustier too; slayin.

Boring boring, someone is going home, we’re all devastated, boring boring.

The final two are Rachel and Intruder Lady With Name Starting With S. Rachel is obviously being punished for having dirty feet, how very dare she.

Joookes! Intruder Lady is sent home before I even bothered to learn her name. I feel a bit bad. She cries in the limo about how sad she is not getting the chance to make sweet Bachie love to the greatest guy she ever met.

Yeah, now I don’t feel so bad.

 

 

laughing in car

Come on, look how ENTERTAINING WE ARE!!

The Bachelor Season 3: How to Save Money and Lose Bitches

17 Sep

You know things are dire when the most interesting thing that happens is that the Bachelor DOESN’T drive a Nissan for a night?

 

This is actually getting beyond a joke. Like, I legit feel like I am scraping the bottom of my sarcastic joke barrel, and, when that shit is your bread and butter, you start worrying.

I would compare tonight’s episode with the classic ‘Second Date Obligation’. You know, the boring date you go on so that you can bone on the third date and not feel bad about it?

First of all, you know the producers are trying to stress to us that things are really serious and dramatic because Woody does some serious beach thinking, then some swimming thinking, then some shower thinking and finally, some towel thinking. The four corners of Bachie thinking.

But you and I both know that this is simply a ruse for the fact that Dates with No Time Limits no longer exist, plus the fact that life in Bachie world is supremely boring and unjust since Heather left.

Tonight, Woody is going to take the remaining three bitches on three more totally non-budget dates to try and figure out which one of them will be the most accommodating wife.

 

PARMIGIANA

Parmigiana waits patiently outside the Mansion that Spotlight Built in her leather cape. But omigod, WHO is that rounding the corner in a car that is NOT a Nissan?! Surely it can’t be Woody? WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE WORLD?! DO NISSAN KNOW ABOUT THIS??

Maybe Channel 10 lost their Nissan sponsorship and had to call on Malcolm Turnball to borrow his Lamborghini? #topical.

 

lamborghini

Do Nissan know about this??

 

After just driving around Sydney aimlessly for a few hours, they end up…somewhere on Sydney Harbor and Woody points to the Opera House and tells Parmigiana that they’re going there next. But first, he needs to change her out of that leather cape and into a sponsor-approved GASP dress.

Parmigiana happily obliges and actually seems legitimately impressed with the fact her communal boyfriend made her change out of her own clothes, into a dress that he prefers. (FYI fellas, chicks don’t like that shit. Once I’ve chosen the bra I’m going to wear, it would take a serious natural disaster to make me change.)

Somehow they make their way over to the Opera House and look at Sydney Harbor from the other side. Guys, shit is going down hill fast. Last year they went to funking Africa, but now I just feel like all Sam does is chaperone numerous bitches from one view of Sydney to another.

But HOLD THE PHONE HE IS TAKING HER TO A PRIVATE PERFORMANCE OF THE BALLET!

Mind you, it’s during the day and not at night when the actual paying customers show up. Parmigiana is of course v v impressed by this budget matinee and doesn’t seem to notice Woody drifting off to sleep.

Back at the View of Sydney Harbor #2, Parmigiana lays down the law about having a real child and not a Cabbage Patch Doll and Woody pretends to care about the fact they won’t be able to go on last-minute sex holidays and says a lot of words to do with expectations and connections and it is definitely not his subtle way of telling her that they are never going to happen and he is picking Lana because she is very travel and doesn’t have any children.

 

OBVIOUS WINNER LANA

Because Lana is very travel, Woody has obviously organised some sort of activity on a sea plane. They meet on the jetty where an apparent wind storm is f*$%ing shit up and Lana has decided now would be a good time to wear her spring hat.

There must be some sort of Bachie magnet imbedded in Lana’s skin because the guy cannot stop touching her flipping arm! It’s so off-putting I don’t remember anything they said to each other but it was probably something about travel.

Up in the sea plane they go to… Palm Beach! (As in, a beach on the other side of Sydney Harbor.) Gosh, Lana is a good actress because she looks excited about it. I would just be pissed off.

 

wow gif

Another view of the harbor? I can’t wait!

 

They land in Palm Beach at another Random Living Room and have dinner in the driveway (?) where Woody continues to try and touch her arm and tell her how quickly he’s falling in love with her side-swept hair.

And then this happened…

 

pool kissing

Mate, that’s not her arm you’re touching.

 

BUSY BUSINESSWOMAN SARAH

We are continuing the theme of hats tonight, with Sarah awaiting her fancy mode of transport in another spring hat.

And yep, that my friends, is a bloody horse-drawn carriage. It is also white. Like this relationship.

While they fanny about in the thing that is meant to distract us from the fact they are not in a foreign country, I can’t help but wonder who is taking the tourists of Melbourne around Swanston St?

They go to a café of some sort and stare awkwardly at each other and check the label of their teacups and the whole thing kind of looks like this:

 

vanilla milkshake

To “shake” things up (seewhatididthere?) Woody takes Sarah to a change of location and it’s, surprise surprise, a random couch somewhere! YAYYY!

They sit on said random couch and say more vanilla things while eating a cheese platter and sipping from their budget Jacob Creek’s Shiraz. Do I need to remind you again? Last year they went to FUNKING AFRICA AND NOW THEY ARE SITTING ON A RANDOM COUCH DRINKING JACOB’S CREEK! #budgetcuts.

 

jacobs creek

This…

giraffe

…is not THIS!

Sarah is worried because she hasn’t declared her undying love for Woody on a national TV show and we all know it’s too late because she is definitely going home tonight. I mean, she checked the brand of her teacup, their date was so non-eventful. And Sarah is clearly too busy being a businesswoman and not as travel as Lana.

COCKTAIL PARTY

Bitches mope about in their Sunday best as Woody watches little video tributes from them on his iPad, where they present their last-ditch attempts for him to wife them and doesn’t at all come across as begging.

ROSE CEREMONY

No one has the time or budget to be dicking about tonight guys. Sarah’s going home. She knows it, Woody knows it.

snez and sarah

Even Parmigiana knows it.

Bye bye Busy Businesswoman. According to Woody, you just put up too many vanilla-flavoured walls trying to protect your dignity. Please try and remember what show you are on next time kthnxbye.

This is it, erryone. We are down to the final two in the Race for Wood! Join me tomorrow when we find out who Woody will give a cubic zirconia Zamel’s ring to in front of a view of Sydney Harbor.

x

 

 

The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: Everybody Loves Bachie…except Lisa

2 Oct

ZOMG guys, it’s Finale week! I can barely keep a lid on it. And neither can Blake Vader who is throwing “journey” ALL over the place! Srzly, I counted nine times this episode. And I vagued out at one stage. So lets round that up to nineteen. Nineteen totally non-scripted mentions of a beautiful/amazing/awesome/ridiculous/intense journey. Journey.

WATER JOURNEY AFRICA! Many montages of water and mentions of journeys. Wait, are we IN Africa now? Or Sydney? I’m confused. Many wildlife, much water.

No, no, we’re still in Sydney. Well, Vader couldn’t POSSIBLY leave without first stopping in at Bunda to casually pick up some bling for one of his three girlfriends. After mentioning to the manager that he would actually prefer to design the engagement ring (!!!) himself, Richard Mercer then takes a poignant stroll down the main street, thinking about journeys and water.

Meanwhile, while the real residents of the mansion that Spotlight built are moving back in and busy tearing down the hideous plastic hydrangeas and smashing all pineapple-shaped furniture, the remaining three bitches are at the airport.

WE ARE BEST FRIENDS GOING AN AN INCREDIBLE JOURNEY TOGETHER! LET’S HAVE A CHAMPS TO CELEBRATE OUR COMMUNAL BOYFRIEND!

Sam, Lisa and Louise are just having the best time ever at the passengers lounge and quietly congratulate each other on being chosen to maybe get proposed to in another country.

Cut to arriving in said foreign country (South Africa if you haven’t caught the bombardment of ads for it this week – wait, are we in South Africa because Vader is black?)

Bachie has had a smart change of clothes and is now poignantly looking about his hotel window thinking about being poignant and journeys. He’s having a real hard time remembering his lines with all this amazing view.

*TANGENT ALERT* Allow me, if you will, to quickly remind you of something. Something I would deem significant. The final three bachelorettes usually signify the time for the Dates with No Time Limits episode. Dates with sex, as we prefer to call them. Because most tall, sort of black, deep talking bachelors have at least a one in three chance of finding a girl willing to bone him. BUT THAT IS NOT WHAT IS HAPPENING. There is no mention of time limits or boning or love cabins and I am. so. not. ok. with. this.

This is bullshit, Channel 10. I am submitting a formal complaint. Replacing dates with potential sex for dates with potential tourism attractions is a travesty of justice! NO.

End Tangent*

So everything is slightly more boring now because there is no sex but lets go through the last three dates that Blake totally organised with his own pocket money and travel expertise.

Sam

Vader explains that Sam has “a wild side”. Obvi because she is from Frankston.

So lucky Sam gets to go shark diving.

They board a boat and watch a shark brutally kill a cute seal and then a bird. Because romance. Vader looks kind of terrified and it’s kind of funny.

 

Jaws

Can’t you feel the romance?

To allay their fears, Bachie and Sam are given black wetsuits that look pretty much exactly like seal costumes. Good thinking. They dive down in a steel cage and watch sharks swim by and it’s not interesting because there is no sex.

Journey.

Later, because she survived the shark tank, Sam gets to go on a SUPER YACHT. Not a regular yacht, a SUPER YACHT. Because water. They lie on the deck and Sam decides to tell Richard Mercer about her feelings. She says it’s really important he knows exactly what she is before he makes a decision. “What” she is? Omigod, is she about to tell him she actually has man parts as well? Because, just quietly, I don’t think that would be a problem.

No, she just tells him she loves him. But because Sam is totes goofy and funny, it takes her 15 minutes to do it. Bachie doesn’t even try and hide his impatient face. He doesn’t like it when bitches laugh or don’t bake cakes or don’t tell him they love him immediately.

Journey.

Louise

Sometimes-wears-lipstick-Louise has brought out the big guns tonight.

She’s brought her Zamel’s earrings/necklace set. Shit is getting real.

Vader explains that last time, he got a spray tan and a pedicure and showed up in the Hunter Valley took Louise to a winery so it’s really important to him that he try and top that effort.

With another f*#$ing winery.

Except this one is in a foreign country. I guess that makes a big difference.

Anyhoo, they ooh and aah and carry on over the amazing view for several minutes. Louise declares she’s never seen such a great view. Umm…not that there’s anything wrong with the lovely view, but…Lou, sweetie? DON’T YOU LIVE IN A SNOW MANSION IN THREDBO?!!

Call me crazy, but I’m starting to get the feeling this bitch is a little too upper class.

They sit down to a meal of fancy ocean trout and expensive moscato, and Louise explains that she definitely feels real romance between her and Blake.

Babe, eating a fancy lunch on national television with the guy you’re sharing with three other bitches isn’t romance. Sitting on your couch in your ugg boots, hoovering a packet of Rice Wheels while your partner plays Clash of Clans is REAL romance.*

Before anyone gets too drunk, a lovely African choir has arrived to sing to them. It is at this point that I wish I spoke Afrikaan, because I can only imagine what the English translation was…

White Girl We are Judging You?

Once she’s dried her tears, Louise is taken to another bloody view. The Presidential Suite.

Oooh…suite, you say? Isn’t that fance-talk for bedroom? Could sexy time be on the cards?

No, no no. They just sit in the pool and do some really really close talking. Snore.

Yes, she tells him she loves him. In Afrikaan. He rewards her with more close talking and a smart underwater boob grab.

Journey.

 

view

#view

Lisa

From what Richard Mercer can remember, Lisa passed the ovary test at the kindergarten date, BUT, one can never be too sure when trying to choose an appropriate baby maker.

They show up at a prep school with basically THE most adorable children on the face of the earth because it is totally OK to exploit little kids living in poverty for the sake of a reality show. Angelina would be SPITTING!

 

angelina-jolie

Not on my watch, bitches

It’s very cute and normal (because Lisa) and everyone at home calls work and quits their jobs so that they can go and teach in Cape Town. I know I did.

To meet the ostentatious modes of transport quota for the week, Lisa and Bachie then take a helicopter over the mountains of South Africa (“Look at the VIEW!”) and end up at another beachside/cliffside/presidential suite type place with a view.

This is where Lisa wins at everything because she is Lisa.

Vader is probing her to tell him she loves him; after all, his other two beards did.

She explains to camera that she has “deep feelings” (lol, “deep”) for Blake but that she is finding it hard to express, considering he is pashing two other chicks.

Right when I think her closest-thing-to-feminism-moment speech was all for nothing, and she is just going to offer herself up to Mt Blake, she does a 180 and backs the f*%# down! It is Bachie who tells her he is falling for her and she is just like, “Yeah cool. I’ll say it when you say it. Which is not now, so suffer in yer jocks.”

Gawd I love her.

Rose Ceremony

According to the soundtrack, we are now in Gotham City, as the three women put on their Zamel’s best and look poignantly in the mirror. Journey.

OSHER IS HERE! Someone saw fit to fly his weave all the way to South Africa so that he could do his 30 second bit and introduce Blake to the three bitches who already know him pretty effing well.

See Osh? This is your reward for not eating carbs or dairy  for the last 2 months. Well done, babe.

Sam gets the first rose. I bloody knew it.

The Batman soundtrack is, at this stage, so loud that my eardrums are slightly perforated.

It’s Lisa. Lisa gets the rose and sometimes-wears-lipstick Louise is the loser. I gotta say, it’s kind of awful. I mean, the girl took the time to learn Afrikaan so that she could tell Vader she loved him! Obviously, Bachie only likes girls who speak English.

Louise is dumped into a limo and taken…where? Back to the airport? I hope not, because she is not dressed in the appropriate attire for a long-haul flight. Especially now that she is the loser and will have to take economy class on Loser Airlines.

Social media erupts with farewells to our fav sometimes-lipstick-wearing bachelorette and half of the eliminated bitches declare her the most beautiful Stepford Wife ever.

Do they know what Stepford Wife means?

Doubtful.

 

inygo

 

THE LAST EPISODE IS UPON US AND I STILL DON’T HAVE A NEW HOBBY! HELP ME I’M DYING WITH EXCITEMENT BUT ALSO GRIEF!

Catch you tomorrow my loves with the final instalment for this year. *Tear*

Who is your money on? Frankston chick Sam? Or Rich but Normal Lisa?

 

 

 

*This may/may not have been exactly what I was doing tonight

 

 

The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: The One I Didn’t Really Care About

5 Sep

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I kind of missed most of this episode. And then when I went back to watch it online I was bored. Everything is boring without Canadian Horse Whisperer. I’m sorry, but I’m still in mourning.

 

So here is my summary of last night’s episode in 100 words or less accompanied by some visual aids:

 

Jess/Elsa rewarded with individual date. She’s excited.

 

peak-gush

Everything is the BEST

 Old steam train, many vintage.

 

train

So much vintage

 Forehead touching

 

Rowboat

 

forehead touching

Forehead touching

 

forehead touching 2

 

Forehead touching

 

forehead touching 2

 

Group date – it’s a yacht

 

yacht

Because water

 

Boobs

 

blake boat

I love boobs! Really!

 

Sunscreen

 

Bitchy stares

 

Boobs

 

blake boat 2

Stay calm…stay calm…

 

Cocktail party

 

Louise has new lipstick – what is life?!

 

louise lipstick

Who even ARE you?!

 

Chantal’s boobs

 

chantal boob

 

Blake takes Lisa to ‘secret spot’ and she says something normal

 

lisa

We are so secretive

 Cheeky pash

 

Everyone hates Jess/Elsa

 

FROZEN

You’re out of the group

 

Forehead touching

 

forehead touching 2

 

Rose ceremony

 

Chantal’s boobs

 

chantal boob

Bye bye Vampire Mary & Holly 2.0.

 

Holly 2.0 doesn’t even care

 

mary rachel 2

They look sad

 

 

 

The end.