Tag Archives: keira

Bachelor In Paradise Ep 5 & 6: There Is No Funny Title Because Women Are Not Men’s Property

10 Apr

Ok guys, I’m sick with the flu, I’ve got some feminist rage and I’ve had about 16 pseudoephedrine. Strap in.

We have officially hit the point where the Australian dudes are too boring/whiny so they’re bringing in the big guns and by big guns I mean the misogynistic guns with weird faces and American accents.

Americans. The American dudes are here.

Honestly the women look f***ing over the moon to get a break from the smorgasbord of idiots they’ve been hanging around. Unfortunately though, these new offerings don’t seem to be any better.

First to arrive is Grant who is a fireman and has been on Bachie in Paradise US and proposed to some girl called Lace (or Lacey?) and then got matching tattoos with her that said “Grace” and I already hate him.

 

This is a thing that happened. 

 

Mack is still barking up Ali’s tree like a puppy who needs a wee and it’s starting to just get creepy. They go for a swim and Mack just intermittently stares at her and then lays random compliments on thick and fast rather than actually just talking to the woman like a regular human and honestly if this is what Mack thinks a connection is, I fear for him.

Ali makes a comment about how she doesn’t just want to go around pashing everyone and wants her first kiss on Sex Island to be with the man she hopes to leave with. Which is code for she definitely does not want to pash Mack.

Mack doesn’t seem too worried though. As he explains, “I’m falling for her, and I think she’s falling for me in a different way,” which is code for she definitely isn’t falling for you at all.

Jarrod is mad that Mack gave his rose to Ali and ruined Jarrod’s first ever love triangle, but honestly he has been super into Keira this whole time, guys, srzly don’t even worry about it. But he’s pretty P-O’d when Keira shows some interest in Grant because how dare she after he told her she was his second choice. How COULD she do this to him?!

Luckily for Jarrod, Leah swoops in on Grant before he’s even had a chance to get some life advice and a tequila shot from Wais. Grant takes Leah on a single date to the resort next door where they go snorkeling and I have an epiphany about why I might still be single when Leah literally undresses Grant 10 minutes after meeting him and I’m too shy to tell a dude his chair leg is on my skirt.

 

Is this how flirting works now because I quit. 

 

Grant tells Leah this was actually the best date he’s ever been on ever, which seems weird for someone who has been engaged before on this very show but, then again, I’m single, what would I know?

Back on Sex Island ANOTHER American man arrives except he’s actually Canadian but I don’t think any of the contestants know the difference. His name is Daniel and he is basically just a massive set of balls attached to a small head. Again, the girls go crazy for him. Daniel is glad Grant is here so he has another “wolf” to run with and honestly why do white men all think they’re wolves?

Daniel gets to work on who’s banging who and literally points to Lisa and says, “Oh is this yours?” to Luke AND MY VAGINA JUST CRAWLED UP INTO MY STOMACH AND IS NEVER COMING OUT.

Never mind the fact Jarrod’s gone all red again because Keira is now talking to Daniel and he fumes for a while at the camera about how these Americans are here to “take all our women,” which again, doesn’t really endear him to me because women aren’t objects to take but again what would I know.

Because the producers are literally here to f*** with everyone, obviously Daniel has a single date card and he says this weird thing to Keira about how he doesn’t need to take her out as he already knows they have a connection which seems like a fairly backwards way to play it, but Keira has downed at least 5 vodka sunrises and she somehow agrees. Not before Daniel asks her if she’s a “bad girl” while trying to sexily sip on his cocktail. Newsflash fellas, don’t attempt sleazy bedroom eyes outside of the bedroom unless you’re okay with getting laughed at. You suck at it.

He picks Nina who I thought was better than this and what follows is just a five minute montage of sexual harassment.

Honestly, Daniel has barely been in our lives longer than the mi goreng I’m eating and I already have enough feminist rage to burn the place to the ground. When he and Nina approach what looks like a legitimately dangerous river, I am yelling THROW HIM IN much louder than my neighbors would appreciate. Unfortunately, a local happens by and basically tells them they are f***ing idiots for even thinking about it and not even jungle sex is worth nearly dying for. (Okay he didn’t exactly say that but you could see it on his face.)

Oh Blake is still here and he doesn’t like Daniel at all because competition is fine but, “don’t come across as a dick,” which I guess is fair coming from the guy who put another guy in hospital and whose girlfriend’s name he forgot on television.

I don’t know about you, but I’m starting to sense the theme for this week might be Hypocrisy of the Highest Order.

Lenora has obviously caught a glimpse of Blake’s new hair do and decides maybe he’s not for her. Considering he has put zero effort into their relationship and still isn’t 100% sure her name isn’t Lenora, he seems very shocked.

 

This is also a thing that happened. 

 

Also on the break up train is Ali who is first accosted by Mack telling her he wants to introduce her to his parents after knowing her for 2 days and lord give me strength I’m worried for this guy and what he thinks conversation/dating is.

Ali gently explains that she doesn’t feel the spark with him unfortunately, and considering all he’s done is creep on her and pay her compliments that make her physically uncomfortable, he also seems very shocked.

Mack, babe, when a woman talks to you that doesn’t mean there’s a spark. It just means she’s talking to you. #science.

Returning to the bar for hopefully a little bit of Ali Time, Ali is once again pulled away by Michael who has organised a little unofficial date of his own for her and honestly wtf is the point of the date cards if the contestants can just put down their own rug and cheese platter whenevs? The logic of this show is starting to really mess with me.

 

You wanna go wash your hands? CAN I COME TOO??!!

 

BUT IN AN UNEXPECTED TWIST Ali also dumps Michael because she isn’t really feeling it with him either and there could be a chance she’s simply doing it so she can have 5 f***ing minutes to herself, could you blame her?

Oh good God, I’m not even half way you guys this is intense. I’m so sorry.

GOOD NEWS! Something nice and almost genuinely lovely happens and thank f*** for that because I was a bee’s dick away from pledging a life time of celibacy.

 

Current mood.

 

Sam and Tara finally go on a date together and Tara tells Sam she thought he was a dickhead at first and bravo to her but he cops it on the chin, bless him. They make each other cocktails and then sit on a Random Sex Couch trying to summon the courage to kiss each other and I can’t believe this I am really starting to like Sam GODDAMMIT TARA!

Nah but seriously, they do eventually pash and it’s the first time I haven’t wanted to gag because I think they might be in love.

 

I’m still watching you, Sam.

 

The der-rama is wrapped up on Sunday by da boyz sitting around on the rocks being manly and shit. Jarrod is still trying to convince everyone he loved Keira all along but then accuses Mack of “dogging” him by giving Ali his rose when Mack KNEW Jarrod was going to give Ali HIS rose and honestly you are both as annoying as each other please just shush. But just quietly can we bring back the term “dogged” again?

Okay it’s Monday night now and the same shit is happening and Jarrod is redder than ever.

Because I am running out of patience and pain killers to delve into this too much here is the sitch:

Jarrod (claims to) love Keira.

Keira likes Jarrod but wants to bone Daniel.

Nina also likes Daniel and isn’t sure about Eden now and I’m very mad at her because Eden is the best how dare she.

Eden still loves Nina but wants her to make her own decisions plz marry me.

Daniel wants to bone everyone. He literally does not care who it is.

Jarrod thinks women live under rocks and hates playing second fiddle but forgets he literally told Keira she was his second fiddle not 3 days ago.

 

It is so draining being this hypocritical. 

 

Grant and Ali have now hooked up and I literally have no idea how/when that happened.

Leah is full pissed and only speaks in Meal Girls quotes now.

Daniel says he is Gepetto from Pinocchio and all the women are his puppets and honest to God I really hope Channel Ten have purposely chosen these douche canoes to teach the men of Australia how to treat/view/date/talk to women.

 

Pictured: Me as Daniel’s puppet. 

 

A new guy arrives who isn’t Apollo but whose name is also Jared which I think is just mean and confusing. No one really likes him but he asks Meagan on a date and she doesn’t even pretend she wants to go. Nothing happens on their date.

Keira and Jarrod fight and then the next day make out and it’s just very confusing. Jarrod is also very confused by biology because he says that Keira is like Madonna – there’s only one of her but I think he’s forgetting that there’s only one of every single person in the world.

Daniel is still walking around like the human equivalent of a tube of cheap lube. Keira takes him into her hut and makes out with him but we don’t see it, only hear it. I mean, who doesn’t love the sound of two people drunk pashing before 11am?!

I mean, Keira is effectively doing what Jake did to Flo and Meagan last week, but remember this is a woman whose crush told her she was his second choice. Her facial expression after she admits she kissed Daniel is worth sitting through this whole episode and I am HERE FOR IT.

 

 

COCKTAIL PARTY

Ummm…this whole Keira-Daniel-Jarrod-Nina drama continues on for some time until Lenora ALSO says that she’s putting out flirtatious vibes to see what comes back from Daniel, but if you ask me, the only thing coming back from him is probably an STI.

 

Yeah…nah.

 

Because Eden is the best man on this damn island, he approaches Nina and Daniel mid awkward-sex -chat to steal away not Nina, but the Douche King himself. WHAT IS THIS MADNESS?! Are they going to punch on? Is Eden going to throw him in the ocean because I heard slimy Canadians can’t swim.

He doesn’t do either of those things but he does give Daniel a stern talking to about not hurting Nina’s feelings and I swear on my life Eden has restored my faith in men for a moment and suddenly I am so goddamn nervous about the Rose Ceremony that I might vomit.

Not to be deterred from spreading his “man eggs” across the island (again, #science) Daniel goes back to a drunk Keira and asks her if he makes her moist. No, that wasn’t a typo.

Uncle Sam takes this opportunity to tell Nina that she is being played by Douchebag Daniel and that Eden is the one who actually cares about her and GODDAMMIT SAM STOP MAKING ME LIKE YOU!

ROSE CEREMONY

Before this, we get a glimpse of the gals chatting about their choices tonight and everyone is very honest about wanting to bone Daniel and I am seriously concerned that they’ve been drugged because he is literally the worst.

Leah gives her rose to Michael even though they will never be a thing.

Lisa gives her rose to Luke and I forgot these two were still here but yay.

Tara gives her rose to Sam and he straight up smooches her for it and it’s funking adorable.

Ali gives her rose to Grant even though he is wearing the most hideous onesie.

Meagan gives her rose to Jake because next to Daniel he looks like a goddamn saint.

Nina gives her rose to… (oh dear God I’m sweating I might cry)… EDEN! I actually cheered.

Lenora steps up, looks at Daniel and then…gives her rose to AMERICAN JARED HOLY SHIT THIS WOMAN IS EVERYTHING!

 

Sit the f*** down y’all!

 

Keira looks to be in full panic mode and says ” I don’t know!” before continuing to panic and eventually gives her rose to Jarrod.

WHICH MEANS THE CANADIAN BALLSACK IS GOING HOME AND HIS FACIAL EXPRESSION BRINGS ME GENUINE JOY!

For a man who thought he had a bunch of roses coming at him, his reaction is less than gentlemanly. Personally, my favorite line as he walked out the gates was, “Whatever, I’ve had sex with a tonne of beautiful women. I don’t care.”

DO YOU, THOUGH DANIEL? DO YOU?!!

Honestly, I have never been more f***ing proud of women on reality television.

#BYEFELIPE

 

If Daniel was on Tinder. 

 

 

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Bachelor In Paradise Ep 2: Are We Even Facebook Official?

27 Mar

Full disclosure guys: up until the last couple of minutes of tonight’s episode, I honest to God still didn’t really know how exactly this whole rose ceremony thing worked. I mean, what I DID know was that the producers are not only trying to f*** with the contestants, but now they are straight up f***ing with us.

But I’ll get to that.

Tonight was a continuation of the competition between Jake and Davey to be the biggest f***boi on Bachie Island and tbh I’m still unclear on who won. We picked up to the part where Jake so gallantly took Flo on a single date to the waterfall behind the resort and now I’ve realised that every single one of these “date” scenarios are just grooming situations for sex. Jake commented that, “it’s been ages since I’ve been on a bush hike,” and I don’t think he was trying to be funny or anything. Strap on in, everyone.

Blah blah blah, he and Flo sit down on a blanket near the waterfall in their bathers and Jake keeps telling everyone who’ll listen that he’s gotta show Florence the real him because he’s determined to get in her pants  her rose. So far it hasn’t been going well for him though as it seems bloody EVERYONE on the Gold Coast has gotten together to make up some sort of conspiracy about him being a sleaze bag which is just super mean and, honestly, how on earth could they have all come to that same conclusion, it’s just so MEAN AND UNFAIR AND DEFINITELY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIS ACTUAL CHOICES OR HARD EVIDENCE PUN INTENDED.

 

This is a real thing and definitely not the kind of thing a f***boi would do. 

 

Thankfully, Flo doesn’t seem to be buying it and so just sits there looking straight ahead until they open that chilled bottle of champs and all of a sudden they’re in the waterfall/lake thing making out like NBD. God bless alcohol, amiright?

Back at F***boi HQ, Davey is moping around about Jake breaking the bro code and asking Flo out right in front of him even though he likes her and I feel like this same drama is going to dominate the whole episode – can someone please pass me my Spice Girls journal and Fiona Apple cassette tape?

Da boyz are all complaining about how there are more men than women and how some of them will get voted off the island and gender imbalance is just so unfair. One genius jokes about how shit it would be if another dude showed up right now…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA REMEMBER WHEN I SAID THE PRODUCERS WERE F***ING WITH YOU BECAUSE HERE IS ANOTHER DUDE RIGHT NOW!

The f***ing with us has reached Level 8, because the dude that has strolled in is none other than Uncle Sam i.e. He Who Never Cuts His Hair i.e. the man who literally makes my skin crawl and now all I can think about is what this humidity is doing to the thing on his head.

 

Do they sell John Frieda in Fiji??

 

Nina barely notices Sam has arrived, and simply remarks that she’d prefer not to date men who are, “short, blonde and a child,” and she wins Bachelor In Paradise give her the prize money.

Sam wastes no time in complaining how hard this is going to be for him, and that it’s like, “showing up late to a party,” except that it is EXACTLY showing up late to a party. Except it’s a sex party and everyone has already paired off. But no matter, cos we all know him and his dude bro Blake have been gagging to get down to their Aussie Bumz together so this could work out.

Unfortunately for Blake, Sambo makes a beeline for Keira as she is literally the only girl who doesn’t seem to be interested in one particular guy already, and if that isn’t true romance, I don’t know what is. Poor Keira is literally stuck with the “dreads” (dregs) of the group but she runs with it like a champion and still manages to make interesting television…

Unlike our friend Brett over here who I have got a lot of things to say about, despite the fact it’s not even that compelling but this is what this show does to you – makes you care about shit that literally doesn’t matter at all. Get ready.

Remember that whole possibly made up girlfriend he may/may not have on the outside thing? Look, I completely thought that was fake because there was nothing else interesting about the guy. Turns out I was wrong and he has been seeing a woman called Steph who was also on The Bachelor but I’ve personally drawn a blank, not that it matters. Poor Tara was under the impression that he was defs in a relationship with her, everyone was aware, and her ticket to paradise was coming in the mail, so maybe they could just keep him in the show until his lady friend showed up because that seems like a nice thing to do, right?

Wrong.

Tara has inadvertently dobbed on Brett who is rudely accosted by a producer in a singlet while he’s trying to relax on a sex bean bag. The producer is super pissed at Brett for lying about being single and, let me tell you, being pissed while wearing a Hot Tuna singlet and board shorts is super hard to get away with but he somehow manages it anyway because HE IS BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL EVERYTHING WE KNOW IS A LIE!

Brett dodges the questions even better than our friend Michael did when 60 Minutes asked him about being on the Australian Soccer Team (no, I’m not going to let it go). But it is here that we learn that, not only is Brett potentially lying about being single so that he can get his lady friend on the show and get a free Fiji holiday and Insta followers out of it, but he is literally the guy who goes out with a woman FOR A YEAR but then only judges the relationship based on whether they are Facebook official or not. And guys, I think we can all agree that that is the real issue at play here and the world has spiralled into a bad, bad place. (Srzly, listening to someone say “We’re not Facebook official or anything like that,” more than once, and as a legit argument, sounds way less funny and way more disturbing than I thought it would.)

Meanwhile, poor Tara is sitting there in the middle of this like…

 

 

Anyway.

This is the most interesting thing that has happened to Brett so far but he is clearly going home tonight because everyone is salty AF with him and when even Normal Lisa is pissed at you, you know you gon’ f***ed up.

Whatever, HERE COME LAURINA!

Welcome back my queen. We are so here for you.

(Osher didn’t greet her or anything, she is literally just waltzing in holding a date card she has got no time to f*** around.)

Idiot Blake pretends he is desperately in love with her straight away and it’s definitely got nothing to do with the fact no other woman has looked twice at him and he’ll be going home tonight. (Srzly, Channel 10, the man is a violent criminal this is no flipping joke.)

Laurina asks him on a date and I’m desperately hoping she’s doing it to punk him and lead him to some Fijian gang on the shore line who plan to sacrifice him in a ceremony that includes a lot of fire or maybe being eaten alive.

No such luck. Boo.

Apparently Laurina has moved way past the Dirty Street Pie debacle and is now v v spiritual and down with the common people, because, when she and Blake find an enormous vase filled with what looks like elephant poop but is apparently mineral mud or some crap, she is 100% fine with it and dives straight in.

What follows is 4 minutes of watching the two of them awkwardly paint each other with the black mud and talk about their energies which is just fancy chat for wanting to bone.

Blake then throws a pash in out of the blue and Laurina gives it 6.2 out of 10 because she hasn’t changed THAT much yet. Obviously she is now going to give him her rose and I could honesty just vom all over my Pinot.

 

This mud is as black as Blake’s soul.

 

COCKTAIL PARTY

I’m not totally sure why they are bothering having Cocktail Parties because this whole f***ing island is just one big cocktail party 24/7 but what would I know?

Jake is deep in the shit with Davey who is suuuuuper pissed about the whole Flo thing and honestly I forgot how terrible party boyz from the Gold Coast are at pretending to be fine. Jake keeps crying about how much he hates drama but then continues to create drama by doing exactly what everyone doesn’t want him to do. #daboyz.

Poor Davey has reached Desperation Station and basically offers his left testicle to Flo in exchange for her rose.

But as any true f***boi would, instead of just telling her he likes her because real feelings are scary, he says, “I definitely wanna spend more time with you,” which is f***boi talk for I’d like to bone you and then ignore you and pretend we’re just mates forever.

 

You mean girls can tell when I’m bullshitting no way that can’t be right?!

 

Look, I will admit that I kiiiiiinda feel a little bit sorry for Davey at this point but then again I think this show has already warped my brain so.

Errr…nothing else interesting happens at the party except Michael has taken it upon himself to be the Drama Narrator and you know you’ve reached a low point when the dude who pretended to be on the Australian Soccer team is the most logical guy at the party. (Told you I couldn’t let it go.)

 

ROSE CEREMONY

Nina chooses Eden. I’m now super jealous of her and these two need more screen time STAT.

Lisa chooses Luke. They may actually be in love I’m not even kidding.

Keira chooses Sam. At least she’ll have brought shampoo with her I guess?

Laurina chooses Blake. Dirty Street Blake is way worse than Dirty Street Pie.

Leah chooses Mac. I legit forgot they were still here.

Tara choose Michael. I guess he’s more interesting than Brett?

Flo chooses….

Flo looking for a decent man to pick…

 

Jake.

She chooses Jake. I have nothing to say about this except I guess Davey can stock up on some more fluoro singlets on his way out of Fiji airport?

Obviously no one chooses Brett and no one really cares about it. (Mate, flights to Fiji are like $309 at the mo – get onto it and take your goddamn girlfriend because a year is a long time!)

Soz Davey. As Tay Swift might say, “Cos the players gonn get played, played, played, played, played.”

 

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The Bachelor Season 4: Like moths to the (Non-Olympic) flame

12 Aug

Do Channel 10 know they don’t have the broadcasting rights to the Olympics?

Tonight was all about the sport, including faux-Olympic flames and podiums, which leads me to believe that the big guys at 10 are trying to pull the wool over our eyes. That, or jump on the Rio bandwagon without having to pay royalties.

The bitches are all casually chilling in their Tuscan kitchen in their black chokers and faux leather skirts lamenting their lack of Banana action. Keira’s lady parts are particularly frustrated when she asks, “Am I just here to look good?” Yeah babe. That’s what you’re all there for. Well, that and make fools of yourselves every couple of days in animal suits. Obviously.

Chandler Gunsberg rocks up in his best khaki shirt and, SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! He has TWO date cards at once! No one can take it. You would have thought he’d just produced a live bunny rabbit from his shirt sleeve. How does he DO it?!

GROUP DATE

In a fantastic display of Bachie logic, my new spirit animal Keira complains about having to go on the clearly sports-themed group date. She wonders why they can’t just sit around and chat with their communal boyfriend instead of competing against each other? Which seems a legit question considering this show is precisely about 25 women competing against each other for their communal boyfriend. (Are you getting as sick of this joke as I am?)

The competitors arrive at some place where I’m sure sport is played. There’s an actual funking podium erected in the middle (lol, “erected”) and of course the bitches get super excited about it. They woo-hoo and cheer enthusiastically as if they’re not there to humiliate themselves for a ginger.

But perhaps to placate commentators/feminists/general logically-thinking humans, the producers decide to make Bachie Bananas perform a slightly embarrassing task as well. He appears at the top of the stadium, running in with what appears to be a very poor imitation of the Olympic flame that one of the interns put together with sticky tape and tissue paper.

 

fake flame

Career goals.

However, no-one dares say the word Olympics because Channel 9 will just shut this sh*t right down. Anyway, Richie gleefully runs in to light all the bitches’ flames. Again, more woo-hooing and jumping up and down. I can’t handle it. Srzly, this guy could take a dump and those girls’d throw him a parade.

One would think that all this unspoken Olympic-ness would mean relays and hockey matches. Mmm close, but add in humiliation aids such as inflatable balls and kangaroo suits. The first game involves the bitches getting into aforementioned giant balls and racing each other to the finish line. Faith says what everyone is thinking – “It made my day seeing those giant balls.” Also, every girl on Tinder, ever.

Bachie Bananas gifts us all with his imitation of the ladies running in their inflatable balls. Personally, nothing makes me want to take my clothes off more than the man I’m already competing for doing a smart-arse impression of me.

 

richie crazy arms

How did they get SO lucky?

If running like a hamster on a wheel wasn’t enough, they also have to put up with many Cupid jokes while shooting arrows at each other a heart target. Worse still is Bachie Bananas’ awkward yet overly enthusiastic commentary from the sidelines. “Awwwesome shot! Ha ha ha!” “Oh WOW! That was SOOOOO close! Ha ha ha!”

The final, grand installment is a wrestling match. Yes people, it has literally come to this. The bitches are going to wrestle each other for the chance to touch Bachie’s banana. Throw in Usher’s 2001 album and some Smirnoff blacks and you’ve got every guy I went to high school with’s fantasy.  BUT! Because this is The Bachelor it would be unacceptable for them to just wrestle like common whores. No, they have to wear kangaroo suits. Like, I know I mentioned it in my last post, but seriously this show is basically It’s a Knockout with fake tan and roses.

 

kangaroo wrestle

“It’s a knockout! That’s the name of the game!”

Another reason why Keira may soon replace my regular spirit animal, (Professor McGonagal if you were wondering), is that she does not try one iota to mask her intense dislike for this whole exercise. She stands on the sideline with a sourpuss face that would give Queen Lizzy a run for her money. Bachie Bananas checks that she’s okay -“I’m not nervous. I just don’t wanna do it,” she replies. You can literally see all the f***s she does not give.

 

queen

Above: Keira. (Also this was from the actual Olympics. Double reference!)

The other bitches are OUTRAGED at her blatant disrespect for Bachie Bananas and the fact that she is giving them all a bad name. One of them (don’t care who) then provides the million dollar line of the night: “At least pretend to like it. The guy you like is standing right there!” I have never been so proud to be the owner of a vagina.

Overly bubbly blonde Faith wins the Non-Olympics and the three place getters are legit presented with Bachie-themed medals on the podium. After accepting the gold, Faith is whisked away to a Random Fancy Couch on the other side of the stadium where she and Richie talk about…sports? Feelings? I don’t care. She gets a rose. They kiss. It’s all very white bread.

SINGLE DATE

Goes to Kiki. All I know about her is that she did nude modelling. She also refers to herself as a bogan and says Straya a lot. According to the card, her date will involve a lot of “going up and then coming down.” Don’t quote me on that, I just wanted to make sexual innuendo.

Hello ploise, there’s a helicopter! I bet you $100 it’s going to take them to some Random Fancy Couch somewhere in Sydney Harbor.

Oh I’m wrong. But I’m not far off. They go to a Random Fancy Table. It even has a Port-a-Chandelier hanging off of the boom cable. Don’t say the Bachie production crew aren’t afraid to improvise.

But then nothing interesting really happens at all. They talk about being themselves and… love I guess? It’s the verbal equivalent of elevator music. Except Bachie keeps stressing that he’s gotta find out if “there’s a spark there.” Now look, I barely passed Chemistry in high school, but if something is going to “spark” isn’t it pretty damn instant? Like, I don’t ever recall casually waiting around for 20 minutes while electrons attempted to combust with an oxidizing agent. (I have no idea if that is actual science.)

The whole non-eventful date over, Kiki returns to the Mansion that Spotlight Built with a rose in hand. The other bitches crowd around their Tuscan benchtop to grill her about this controversial spark everyone’s talking about. According to Bachie Logic, sparks = kissing and Kiki straight up tells them the date was sans kiss. None of the women are any good at being shocked.

 

smug christian

Oh? You didn’t kiss?

ROSE CEREMONY

My Spirit Animal Keira arrives in what is pretty much the most slayin red onesie I’ve ever seen. When her fellow prisoners tell her she looks super hot tonight, she be like, “Um…I look like this all the time, so…”

Do you need another reason to love her?

Buoyed by the recent shower of compliments, Keira cracks an actual smile when BB approaches her for some alone time. They go over to the swing set/Random Fancy Garden Couch and Richie tries to persuade Keira that she secretly loved wearing a kangaroo suit for him but they end up just doing their awkward waltz again under the wisteria. Meanwhile, a handful of the other girls congregate poolside and poorly pretend not to be watching them with their night vision goggles. Alex is in tears that her shared manfriend is dancing with Keira Farquardt – the Evil Queen Who Doesn’t Like Kangaroo Wrestling. The others agree emphatically and prove that no one ever told them that the acceptable way to deal with jealousy is to drink until you can’t feel your feelings.

 

pool chats

This looks super fun.

The rest of the evening consists of Alex crying and the remainder of the lady buffet sitting around waiting for their f***boy ginger to ask them to go sit on a couch. Snore.

Eventually the actual Rose Ceremony starts and Chandler Gunsberg provides his always astute Bachie maths – something something roses, something something ladies. One lady will go home. By the looks of things, it’ll probably be another brunette, so I dunno what Alex has been sniveling about.

(*Side Note* It’s so nice to hear the Batman score still pumping away in the background like what what. It’s very comforting.)

Each time Bachie Bananas says another bitches name, you can almost see the arrows piercing through Alex’s already bleeding heart. Bet she wishes she tried a bit harder at the Non-Olympics, amiright?

But she really had nothing to worry about because, in the spirit of Olympic patriotism, Richie eliminates the Russian to keep his white Australia team together.

 

russia hockey

Soz, Russia. 

Sasha goes home and Alex lives another day to cry over not using her White Sex Rose.

 

Ahhh… the spirit of the game.

 

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The Bachelor Season 4: Somebody did put Baby in the corner

11 Aug

Like a parent discovering Facebook for the first time, I am very late to this party. Please accept my most sincere apologies. For those of you who didn’t catch it, I’ve been overseas in the US of A for the last few weeks and, due to my over-confident, devil-may-care attitude (i.e. lazy) I assumed I would still be able to tune in to everyone’s fav wifey competition each week via the magic of the interwebs. OH HOW WRONG I WAS! Curse you Geoblocks/Firewalls/Scary Sounding Things That Stop Me From Streaming The Bachelor. 

Whatever Trevor. Let’s look on the bright side; I CAN WATCH BACHIE AGAIN! WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE!

Before I launch into this week’s post, allow me to stretch my sarcasm muscles and share a few thoughts on what I did manage to see over the last fortnight:

  • The new Mansion That Spotlight Built is v v Under the Tuscan Sun. I hope this is a nod to an upcoming international trip because last year’s finale in someone’s backyard in Sydney was bulls***.
  • I FUNKING TOLD YOU THE WHITE ROSE WAS A SEX ROSE!! Don’t try and mask it with fancy phrases like, “White Rose Hideaway” and other crap. SEX. ROSE. God I love it when I’m right.
  • Osher is skinny again. I’m afraid he’s doing a Matthew Perry on Friends circa 1995-1998. Fat Chandler – Skinny Chandler – Fat Chandler – Skinny Chandler. (Osher’s new nickname is Chandler Gunsberg, btw.)
  • Richie is the best/worst Bachelor ever. Best because he’s super adorbs and awkward and worst because super adorbs and awkward gets annoying after a while.
  • Erryone is talking about Keira and her bitchy jaw. Obviously she is heaven.
  • FYI, black 90’s chokers are officially back.

 

keira choker

So jaw. Much choker. 

 

Okay. I’m ready.

 

It’s the Ovaries Test episode! I mean, is it just me, or does it feel like it’s come way too early? (Insert sex joke here. Also “insert”. Lol.)

The unsuspecting bitches have gathered around the Tuscan kitchen in their best Peter Alexander floral ensembles and knee socks; “Just LOOK at us having a cute pajama party together! A few more Irish coffees and we’ll probs take our tops off!” Boys, if you are reading this, you are lucky if I wipe the crusty sleep out of my eye as I stumble out of bed that early in the morning. Because reality.

To add to the totally unforced realism, the bitches all sing about how they hope the group date involves all of them going out together and pretending they’re making acceptable life choices.

Except Keira. Keira just wants that Bachie Banana Split, ifyouknowwhaddamean.

SINGLE DATE

Chandler Gunsberg arrives just in time to stop the naked pillow fighting to give out the single date card. Alex, the girl who, through a lot of subtlety from Channel 10, I have gleaned to be the single mum gets the single date. Cue lots of discussion about how unfair it is that Bachie Bananas is taking out one of his girlfriends in a competition where lots of girlfriends compete for Bachie Bananas. Srzly, I don’t know how many more seasons I can keep commenting on how moot this argument is.

 

cows opinion

 

To rub salt in the wound, BB picks Alex up in front of all his other girlfriends who pretend to give a f***.

BB and Alex make a lot of small talk about their time in the White Rose Hideaway/Rose Nest or whatever other euphemism they’re trying to sell. WE KNOW IT’S A SEX DEN, GUYS! Although, I’d probs take Alex to a sex den myself, considering she’s got a bloody impressive rack for someone who’s nursed a human baby. I have no human babies and I’m lucky if my boobs don’t hit me in the face when I lie down. But I digress…

Because Alex is a single mum and probably doesn’t have time to pamper herself, the producers are doing a Pretty Woman and calling in ALLLLL the corporate sponsors to make it look like BB has dolla dolla bills to throw around. I mean, he takes her to the Camilla store! (I’ve never shopped there, but from what I can tell they sell very camp kaftans for rich white ladies that cost more than my first car did.) Bachie Bananas very expertly explains why they’re there:

“Girls love clothes. – R. Strahan, 2016.

What follows is a montage of Alex trying on overpriced dresses and Richie commentating everything she does. Srzly, is he trying out to be a commentator for the Olympics? Because we only need one Bruce McAvaney, babe.

bruce mcavaney

Bruce for Bachie 2017

But I’m distracted then by the silly girl at Camilla telling Richie (and all of Australia) about the Undie Tuck. STOP REVEALING OUR SECRET, GURL! But no matter, because then BB and Alex stop off at their first Random Fancy Couch (good to see Channel 10 sticking to traditions) and guess what? It’s…………… in the Camilla store! Romaaaaaaaance!

After paying for Alex’s new dress kaftan with his tears, BB chauffeurs his lady date to the next Random Fancy Couch. This time it’s in the lobby of the Intercontinental Hotel. Did I mention Intercontinental Hotel? It’s a hotel and it’s very Intercontinental. #sponsorship. Meanwhile, just out of frame, some poor hotel worker is scraping leftover potato wedges from someone’s room service tray into a bin.

intercontinental

Can I have a free holiday now?

Of course talk turns to the BIG DEAL of Alex having a kid. BB puts on his focusing face and tells her he knows it’s a BIG DEAL and uses a lot of words like “responsibility” and “serious”. But you can totally tell he’s just trying to speed through this BIG DEAL talk to get her up onto the balcony where there’s another X-Factor reject ready to awkwardly serenade them. (His name is Allan Stone. He actually looks way cool.)

Hoping to remove the memory of their BIG DEAL talk through oral lobotomy, BB goes in for the kill and THERE IS MAJOR TONGUE!

alex pash

Thank you internet. 

GROUP DATE

Back at the Mansion That Tuscany Built, the women are rudely awoken by a noise that very few of them seem to recognize; the sound of crying fake babies. Upon discovering their new robot friends in the living room, most of them react as if a crazy drunk has broken in and tied up their families. No one gave them the memo that they must prove their ovaries to be maternal else risk being branded unlovable non-women who don’t deserve Bachie banana.

Except for Nikki, who is cooing and cradling her fake baby like Mary and the baby Jesus. She even names it Nina. Before she discovers it has a penis. Mother of the Year right there.

Megan, on the other hand, is not impressed by the whole exercise, even when she discovers that the not-at-all-obvious-attempt-at-equality-black-baby is hers.

She still doesn’t even try to pretend to give a f*** when Chandler Gunsberg swans in, announcing that this torturous chamber of baby hell IS the group date. Over on the Tuscan bench top, Keira has the realization that this is the first group date she HASN’T been on…

cersei smug

Keira be like…

Another girl I’ve never noticed before (is it Noni?) tells us how bloody happy she is to also not be included on the date because she couldn’t even stand to look after a baby for an hour, let alone an entire day. Obviously she is going home very soon and will be damned to Hades for not having acceptable ovaries.

Speaking of ovaries though, every damn one in the room explodes in a Mardi Gras parade of yearning lady parts when Bachie Bananas arrives with his very own fake baby strapped to his chest. All the bitches put on their best concentrating faces while trying not to fantasize about Richie carrying their own little Baby Banana (for realz, a guy straps a fake baby to his chest and all of a sudden he’s Man of the Year – Champion of Lady Boners. It’s actually a joke.) BB tells them all he has room for one more lucky lady on their Ovary Date. Obviously it’s going to be No Feelings Noni, but poor Eliza definitely didn’t get that memo…

jimmy gif

She can barely keep a lid on it.

As I suspected, Noni is chosen to put her uncaring ovaries to the test with not just one, but two fake babies. TWINSIES! She looks super happy about it. I believe the phrase, “…worst day of my life,” is used. Yay motherhood!

The five lucky bitches are then taken to the most obvious place a new parent would take their new plastic baby – Putt Putt. For realz, this show is becoming less like The Bachelor and more like It’s a Knockout. 

All of them except for Nikki are super sh*t at being maternal. When Megan puts token black child down on the golf green so she can putt, she proves that you really CAN put baby in the corner. Who knew?

Blah blah, Nikki wins the ovaries test.

Her prize is to spend ten whole minutes on a Random Fancy Couch talking about feelings with BB. Snore.

 

ROSE CEREMONY

Because Keira didn’t feature heavily in this episode, (I’m assuming) the evening is therefore low on der-rama. Sensing this terrible mistake, the productions assistants tell Nikki to tell Alex and the other girls that she kissed their communal boyfriend. Alex looks pissed that her communal boyfriend she is competing for pashed one of the…. you know what, I don’t care. We’ve covered this.

 

alex mad

Do Intercontinental know about this betrayal?

BUT THEN! Some weird girl called Eliza gets Bachie Bananas alone on the couch and, NBD, pulls out a blue rose thing from her bra. She explains that this Boob Rose is a little celebration of her being a weirdo. And then I get really sad because I’ve just met this amazing Boob-Rose-Maker but she’ll definitely be going home now because Channel 10 are using that music from The Simpsons when Lisa has to play the jar instead of her saxophone. And cutting to lots of shots of Richie’s uncomfortable face. Apparently red roses and white sex roses are the only acceptable roses in Bachie Bananas’ house.

Waaaaah!

I’m not even going to break the ceremony down. Eliza gets sent home to make more boob roses.

She should totes open an Etsy shop.

richie baby

I just wanted to include this somewhere. 

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