Guys, guys, guys…. You’re gonna have to keep an eye on me and stop me from losing my shit over the suggested events of next week before I finish this week’s parental wrap-up. Take a breath…yes, there’s a proposal…calm down. We have to get through meeting the in-laws first before that can happen. Baby steps.
OK. I’m good.
Episode opens. Things are back to normal, it would seem. Blake Vader is v v serious about home visits because he is running by water. Then he’s walking by water. Then he’s swimming in water. Then he slow exits from the water. Shit is getting real. Water.
Despite being given an hour and a half time slot tonight, we are wasting no time. Richard Mercer cannot possibly go on any longer without a wife. This is NO time for idle chit chat or mechanical bull riding.
LOUISE
What the shit? She lives in Thredbo? Is this even real? If this IS real life, WHEN has she possibly had the time (or purpose) to fit in all that lipstick wearing? Have you ever seen a skiier shoot down the slopes wearing the new Napolean Neon Nights No-Rub Satin Gloss Matte Pigment Pout Fancy Not-Fancy Loaded Lip Colour? Didn’t think so.
Many snow. Many kissing. Much kissing in the snow. With all this talk of snow, I assume her parents live in an igloo. This is obviously way cool and so I am bitterly disappointed when I find out they live in a regular house with… NO SNOW.
DER-RAMA! Blake Vader is so nervous about impressing one quarter of his girlfriends’ parents that he spills his champs all over Louise’s non-lipstick wearing father. It’s really serious, guys. Everyone looks concerned. How will Louise recover from this? Obvi, if she really loved him, she would take the blame for Richard Mercer’s boo-boo and apologise. But she doesn’t. It’s not looking good.
After Dad changes into clean dacks, he questions Bachie about his intentions and why he likes his lipstick-wearing daughter so much.
“I really liked Louise’s lipstick and she baked the bestest cake for me, like ever.”
Dad says he can’t ask for anything more than that.
Call me crazy, but maybe not dating three other women might have been a smart suggestion…
You owe me new pants, dude
*Smelly Vagina Wash Commercial x2*
SAM
Sam tells us she’s from, “…the Mornington Penninsula.” Now, I know there are a few of you readers out there who are not from Melbourne so I’mma give you a quick Geography lesson; Mornington Penninsula is a fairly large and general area to the south of Melbourne and is the phrase most people use when they don’t want to tell you they actually come from Frankston. Which makes a lot of sense, considering Sam’s two-toned roots and disturbing penchant for bronzer.
They kick off home visit with a classy stop at the Penninsula Hot Springs. Because nothing says romance quite like marinating in other people’s dead skin cells. (Look, I have been there. Those baths are communal, people, COMMUNAL!)
After their little dip, they arrive at Sam’s sisters house. Sam’s sister is obviously from the same Victorian School for Feminism as Sam because she explains that, “…being married is just the best thing.”
There is hope for Sam, though, because Sister evidently has a good hairdresser. Hopefully during their really natural and secret talk on the front lawn, she gave Sam his number.
At dinner everything is going really well and I am dying a little bit over Sam’s younger brother Josh who is, like, 10. But just while everyone is enjoying their $10 Savvy B, Sam panics and seems to only just now realise there are three WHOLE OTHER GIRLS wanting to marry her boyfriend.
Vader chases her outside, and, I’m really sorry guys, but I gotta say this (cover your eyes if you don’t like predicted spoilers): He loves her. Just pick her, already. But don’t because I really want to watch the last two episodes. But seriously.
Richard Mercer basically asks Sam to tell him that he is her effing soulmate and she can’t because…you know, feelings feelings, polygamy, walls, polygamy etc. He looks very upset. He explains that her guard went up again and she was obviously doubting herself, which is bloody ridiculous because he only has three other potential wives, HOW VERY DARE SHE.
LISA
Lisa is a Sunny Coast girl. From Noooooooosa. Because Noosa beach is, “outdoorsy.” Nooooooosa.
Umm, guys… LISA IS RICH!
Yeah, no big deal, her family just live in a waterfront mansion across from Lisa Curry-Kenny’s place. Because money.
#neighbours
Nothing dramatic happens because Lisa and her rich family are normal and her dad doesn’t even give two shits because if she doesn’t win he will just buy her a husband.
Lisa, if you’re reading this, I will wife you.
*Smelly Vagina Wash Commercial*
JESS
Soo….this is really awkward. Jess/Elsa isn’t taking Blake Vader to her family home. She is having him meet her AT A FREAKING CARAVAN PARK! Apparently this is because she had many a happy family vacay here as a little one, but I am not sold. I have a really bad feeling her actual house is where they’ve been keeping Osher locked up in between episodes and forcing him to watch Ready, Steady Cook.
Blah blah blah they meet on the beach and have fish and chips and stare at each other and sexy forehead touch and speak really slowly about feelings. Then Jess/Elsa tells Vader that, should she win, she would want them to just date and NOT live together at first like any regular couple. Can anyone believe that came out of her mouth? It is pretty much the most normal thing she has said for the last 2 months. Consequently, Blake no likey.
Back at the Blue Dolphin, Mr & Mrs Jess have hired out one of those mega fancy cabins that us middle class slappers used to gawk at while chasing bush turkeys back to our crappy tent.
After doing some manly stuff (fishing) with Mr Jess, Richard Mercer returns to Cabin Versailles and takes Jess/Elsa outside again for more sexy forehead touching. She talks a lot about putting things on tables and Bachie pretends that it means something important.
ROSE CEREMONY
Woah. Things are bloody #sombre. There is no cocktail party or pre-drinks or any general merriment. Osher floats in on his hair cloud for a moment and reminds us that things are really serious.
Lisa gets a rose.
Louise gets a rose. (And cries.)
My mouth was actually gaping at this moment…the moment that I realised that maybe I cared a bit too much about this show.
Jess/Elsa is taken outside for a last sexy forehead touch, I presume? No, no that’s not it; Vader is v conflicted and asks Jess/Elsa to tell him that he is the man for her. Like, THE man. Obviously, because she is Jess/Elsa and everything ever is amazing and awesome and this show is really about love, she strokes his ego with her slow talking and confirms that this is true. She goes back inside.
Sam looks pissed.
Blake Vader picks up the last rose *gasp*…he looks like he’s about to say something…. but something is wrong *gasp*…. something is happening to his face.
THIS…
Strippers have feelings too
SAAAAAH MUCH EMOTION.
HOLY CRAP GUYS, JESS/ELSA IS GOING HOME! Even though she told him EXACTLY what he wanted to hear, she is a big, slow-talking loser whose fancy cabin just doesn’t fit in with the Bachie lifestyle.
The poor pet.
She handles it like any Disney princess and drives off into the night on her snowmobile. But before I can feel anymore sympathy, I see the teaser for next week’s finale and I JUST CANNOT DEAL!
I need to stem my flow…. I don’t know if I can make it to next Thursday…
Please join me for the final two installments in this Bachelor journey next week. I will try and be funny while I deal with the inevitable loss. But I can’t make any promises…
That's What She Said... 
Leave a Reply