Guys, things are getting verrrrry sombre and serious.
We opened on a shot of the mansion at night accompanied by the moon. So much moon and sombre. The bitches were sitting by the fire while werewolves howled in the background. Even Louise had ditched the red lip for a smoky eye. Because night time.
#sombre
Chat chat chat, we’re so lucky to still be locked up inside this house, chat chat chat I wonder how Blake is feeling about feelings.
Oh wow, look at that! There’s a date card conveniently sitting on the couch that we totes didn’t notice before!
Lots of speculation about who the lucky lady will be tonight, and Chantal honestly looks like she’s waiting to hear if she has a life-threatening disease. Although, believing that competing on this show is a good decision would qualify as pretty life-threatening.
And the winner is…LOUISE! As in, the one who wears lipstick and likes to bake and….and………actually that’s all I know about her. In my dreams, though, I imagine Louise lives in a white and beige palace in Toorak with a thermomix and everything from Urban Republic and her farts smell like cinnamon buns.
Louise heads down to the park and, as expected, Vader blows in on a bloody helicopter…..again.
We literally see Louise get the signal from the director to start jumping up and down and waving, which she does like a champ. I little bit like the time Richard Mercer blew in on an effing yacht to pick her up. Actually, it’s exactly like that. Just with a helicopter. Potato/potahto…
Blake Vader earnestly explains that he wanted to “take Louise away” from the obviously basic and awful existence she has living on the foreshore of Sydney Harbor, and whisk her off to the Hunter Valley for a glimpse of his man-grapes.
Upon arriving at a picturesque winery, Louise presents Vader with caramel slice that she has conveniently baked for him. Remember, guys? Louise wears lipstick and bakes. She’s really complex. No, but seriously, caramel slice is actually the shit and I am yelling at the TV, “WIFE HER IMMEDIATELY, IF NOT BEFORE!”
Now, if the way to a man’s heart is, as Louise says, through his stomach, the way to Louise’s heart is through extravagant modes of transport. Why? Because horse and carriage. They land in a helicopter and jump straight into an effing horse-drawn carriage. HashtagSwag.
Fast forward a minute or two, and they’re suddenly by a pool. Now, I have been to a nice winery or two in my time and not once have I ever seen a winery with a pool, so I assume they’re just in someone’s back yard. With candles. MANY MANY candles. Candles.
Something something something energy, something something something feelings, something you have great energy and feelings, and I have a good time feeling your energy…. *gravel gravel can’t understand due to Blake’s voice dropping a register, gravel gravel*
Back at School Camp for Bitches, Laurina has returned and is casually sitting in the rotunda (OMG, I seriously didn’t realize it was a fancy rotunda, I thought it was just a room in the mansion, I don’t know why I care so much about this) with Sam.
Sam: So how are you? Have you recovered from the mystery illness we’re not supposed to talk about?
Laurina: Pardon? I can’t hear you; my facelift has pulled my ears to the back of my skull.
GROUP DATE!
Into the Ford Focus with Voice Command (can you please pay me now, Ford?) and they are off for a day of competing for one man’s attention. Laurina doesn’t care where they go or what they do as long as it’s not to the street to eat street pie.
OMIGOD I AM TOO EXCITED! For this week’s totally gender empowering challenge, the ladies have to act like proper actors and Vader has to act like a proper straight man.
Guys, lucky Laurina is a model and has modelled many modelling things so she is obvi v v knowledgeable about The Heart Foundation. They are practically the same thing. Because charity.
The pair of bachelorettes with the best writing and acting skills will win a very special party at Blake’s Bachie Pad. Very special party? Bachie Pad? Obviously this means sex. Or animal sacrifice.
SO. MANY. JOKES. ABOUT. ACTING. AND. AWKWARD. KISSING. I. JUST. CANNOT. DEAL.
Guys, it’s all pretty bad, except when Richard Mercer gets topless and the bitches need to be hosed down.
Lisa and Sam are the lucky ladies with their Baywatch-themed shoot. I’m guessing Sam’s apt use of the phrase, “that’s enough pollywaffle,” is what tipped them over the edge. Jess/Elsa and Chantal go back to Fountain Gate and Laurina & Zoe are left to cry over their polyestaaaaaaah.
Vader whisks away his two semi-girlfriends for a night of romance and completely appropriate threesome dating.
Cue the most terrifying yet also heavenly interaction in the name of all that is holy…
Sitting on the couch, holding hands with Vader, Sam comes out with her confession that she could be falling in love with him and Lisa is f*$%ing sitting there watching them! I don’t….can’t….what…..help….no…..what….stop…don’t…hold me I’m having a melt down.
Moving right along, because if we dwell on this any longer my face might implode and melt all over me.
Staahhp! Staahp it!
COCKTAIL PARTY
Because ‘The Bachelor’ is ALL about symbolism and hidden meaning, the bitches are all dolled up in the left over ‘My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding’ dresses and masquerade masks. Because mystery.
Osher shows up for his requisite 3 minutes of air time and tells them that tonight will be ‘very different’. There will be no rose ceremony. Instead, Blake will hand out roses throughout the cocktail party. Woah, woah, woah…..woah. HOLD UP. Handing roses out over two hours is waaaaaaaay too different to handing roses out over 10 minutes. Guys, this is super serious. How will we cope? What is life? How could they DO this to us?!
Jess/Elsa has written Blake a sodding letter. It looks to be at least 15 pages, front and back. And who wants to bet that she dots her i’s with love hearts? Because Blake is under contract to only read the cue cards given to him by producers, he sits there and listens while she reads it to him. It is suuuuuuuuper boring. It’s the literature equivalent of sexy forehead touching. Whatever, it gets her a rose.
Blah blah it’s down to Laurina and Chantal. Obvi Laurina cannot go home because she is heaven in a smoothie, but Chantal is also not leaving because she is David Attenborough and without her no one will actually know what is going on.
Laurina cracks the sads and announces she cannot be bothered ‘dazzling’ Vader tonight because she has serious dazzle and has been dazzling him all over the place. Her bitch fit works and Richard Mercer finds her in the kitchen moping over her coconut water. Der-rama! Who will it be??
Cut to Chantal being hauled out into the garden looking bloody terrified. Faaaaaaark…..it’s totally her. Osher’s Assistant is going home. I knew it. That stunning shade of lipstick she is wearing is not enough to save her. She is promptly put in the limo of doom and, like the true professional she is, expertly narrates her departure and the goings on of the episode as she is sped away from Bachelorland.
The remaining bitches are shocked. They don’t even TRY and look happy that Laurina is safe, despite the glorious stank-eye she gives them. No one really says anything. They all just sort of sit there looking at each other, waiting for Chantal to explain what happens next but…it never comes. David Attenborough is gone forever.
Join me next week when, without Chantal, we find the remaining bachelorettes still sitting around in their ballgowns, unsure of what to do or what to say.
Shit is gonna get cray.
Good luck without me, suckaaaaas
That's What She Said... 
Leave a Reply