Once upon a time, there lived six crazy bitches. They lived in a waterfront home on Sydney Harbor where they spent their days casually laying about in a giant rotunda, idly debating which Spice Girl was the best one. One day, their Fairy Godbrother, Osher, appeared out of nowhere to weave his magic wand and offer them the one thing they had always wanted; a television contract a fairytale date with their communal boyfriend, Blake. And so began a beautiful love story…
No, but seriously, someone did manage to drag Osher away from his Nutri Bullet for 5 minutes to get him to set. Evidently he’s also had a few highlights put into that glorious crown for good measure. Because he’s only fulfilling the bare minimum of contractual hours these days, it leaves him just enough time to give the girls a quick Maths revision before he returns to his organic, clean-eating lair: Six minus five is one. This means one whole person is left over. Meaning one whole person will leave the mansion rose-less. Once again, they are shocked.
Sam must have scored the highest in Maths this week because she gets the aforementioned individual date.
Osher did mention something about a very special guest and just when I was rolling my eyes thinking, who else would it be but Blake Vader himself, but, holy crap you guys, STOP EVERYTHING! IT IS A LITTLE GIRL IN A FAIRY COSTUME WITH A WAND. Evidently, someone thought it would be genius to dress an under-aged child in a Fairy Godmother costume and have her partake in the sexist farce that is a bunch of adult women baking cakes and riding mechanical bulls to get a gay guy to wife them.
Nailed it.
Although, I gotta say, young Tinkerbell is throwing a hell of a lot of sass out there and she is actually way better at reading her cue cards than Richard Mercer. She instructs Sam to open a large gift from her ‘Prince Charming’ and we all know it’s a dress because there is no way Vader would let his beards out in public in ripped jeans and a beanie. Sam oohs and aahs over it a few times and Tinkerbell cannot help but judge her before sashaying off to wherever it is she came from.
Bitch, please.
Vader explains that, “Sam has really rubbed my ego of late, so I wanted to reward her with another date.” Sounds just like something Prince Charming would say. So much fairytale.
With Disney’s greatest hits playing in the background, Sam is taken to a jeweler to borrow some stuff. See, this isn’t one of those two-become-one dates, like the Curly Haired Death Match we witnessed earlier this season. You only get to keep the jewellery in those ones. Lucky for Sam, really, because the shit Vader is picking out for her is bloody hideous, jussayin.
All this borrowing of weird swan jewellery is leaving Sam v v overwhelmed and she gets totes emoshi right there in the store. Fortunately, bitches crying over shit that has nothing to do with him is exactly what gives Vader his jollies. He is super impressed by her feelings and, thus, she progresses through to the next round of the date.
*SIDE NOTE* Did anyone else notice that the ad breaks are now featuring commercials for smelly vagina wash? Coincidence…?….
Back in the Casual Outdoor Rotunda, the remaining bitches are delivered the group date card by Curly Haired Girl #2, Zoe, who is attempting to fill Chantal/David Attenborough’s shoes as resident commentator and explainer of all things, but is obviously failing miserably because there can only be one David.
The date card is basically something something about exotic. Jess/Elsa thinks it could be teppenyaki. Bless her.
We momentarily leave the remaining bitches sitting around still looking puzzled about the word ‘exotic’ and head back to FairytaleLand to see what other super romantic things Vader hasn’t planned for Sam and if she’s still crying over them.
They’re now at The Tea Room. I’ve been there. It is super fancy. Andre Rieu’s piano playing cousin has been brought in for mood music. Let’s call him Pepe. While Pepe smashes out some tunes, Richard Mercer attempts to take Sam for a spin on the dance floor, only to be thwarted by her boob mints. Because she’s really dorky, remember guys? I mean, WHO WOULD BE SO ZANY AS TO PUT MINTS IN THEIR BRA OMIGOD SHE IS TOO MUCH WE ARE LAUGHING SO HARD!
Because Sam is so zany and dorky and puts mints in her bra, Vader gifts her with a box made of chocolate. Obviously Adriano Zumbo made it. But she completely ignores it and is much more taken by the really ugly necklace inside. Not eating the chocolate gift box is a f*#&ing travesty of justice.
“Luckily for you, there was enough left over money in the budget this week, so you get to keep this. Oh, by the way, here’s a rose.”
GROUP DATE
I used to kind of like Jess/Elsa. Her wide-eyed wonderment and loving of basically everything ever was almost endearing. But after this episode, she has officially pushed me into a diabetic coma and I cannot deal.
“Whenever I see Blake, it’s like…a sunrise. It gives me hope.”
No.
Just no.
I want to stab my eardrums with my pen.
Teaming with the theme of both fairytales and exotic, the bitches find themselves in Aladdin’s cave. And because Blake, “loves adventure,” the team at Channel 10 have logically decided to pitch the girls against a bunch of half-naked belly-dancers. Seems legit.
Not to be outdone, the bitches are up on their feet, shaking what their white mama’s gave them. Laurina is right into it, dancing like any good girl at Orange Whip on a Friday night.
Louise and Jess catch Vader’s attention and get some alone time. Louise is her perky, lipstick-wearing self. They talk about baking.
Jess/Elsa reveals her other way of communicating with Blake apart from sexy forehead touching: sexy finger touching. They sit there and sexy finger touch and stare at each other long enough for me to do this:
Staaaaaahp!
Even Richard Mercer is getting savvy on her crazy-eyed-slack-jawed-slow-blinking wonderment these days. He awkwardly extracts himself from the finger touching before she gets pregnant and finds Laurina.
And that is when all of the shit hits all of the fans.
In what appears to be an unguarded moment about feelings and intimacy, Blake does something so horribly offensive and not OK to poor Laurina it’s almost amusing;
He. Touches. His. Eye.
Yep, you heard right. The man has the audacity to scratch his itchy eye while Laurina is mid-sentence. All over the internet, headlines read: Finger of Destiny; Man Touches Eye!
Guys, this is almost as serious as the #DirtyStreetPie incident.
Laurina is not having a bar of it. Not one bar. She abruptly ends the conversation and stares him down. It’s bloody brill.
COCKTAIL PARTY
In an effort to undo the damage of the Touching Eye Incident, Vader is quick to find Laurina again and allow her to apologize for not liking him touch his eye and give him graphic details about their wedding day and all the beautiful children they’re going to have. But in a moment that I’m sure is totally NOT in retaliation of the Touching Eye Incident at all, Laurina stops him mid-sentence….to get a mint from her bag.
Gosh, she’s just heaven sometimes.
I’mma let you finish…
Vader asks her whether she thinks about their future together, and she launches into this a-ma-zing speech about her super amazing life in Melbourne and how they would live in Melbourne and go to amazing Melbourne cafes and botanical gardens and have Melbourne babies. Because Melbourne.
Vader is stunted. He is actually completely lost for words that she has not simply offered up her child-bearing body at the bottom of Mt Blake for him to speed away to Perth in one of his many sea planes slash helicopters. It’s bad. But also really, really awesome. Laurina has just tore him a new one.
“I feel like things are usually on your terms,” he finally realizes.
And for that, she gets sent home.
And this is where I would like to do this…
Laurina, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being mean to you. I’m sorry I judged your street pie and your side boob. You might actually be my hero. While the other bitches were busy feeling sorry for Blake having to date all of them at once, you were flying the flag for No Shits Given Incorporated and I didn’t stop to appreciate it. You are the new Kanye West and I am not worthy.
Vale, my friend.
I would never stand in your way of eye touching. #sunrise #hope
That's What She Said... 
This blog is the funniest thing I’ve read in a looong time. And we don’t even have this show in Nz yet. Hi-lair-re-us (kiwi accent).
The Bachelor New Zealand 2015!!