It’s GROUND HOG DAAAAAAAY!
Guys, things are getting v v serious tonight; Woody is doing some serious exercise/sport things that involve ropes and push ups. He is NOT messing about.
There are only 10 bitches left and he must find at least one to take to the Logies next year. That’s only 5 months away! (Actually, is that true? I don’t watch the Logies.)
Wife-hunting is serious business.
Osher enters the Mess Hall and reminds the ladies that, just like their biological clocks, time is a-ticking. Woody still needs the chance to get to know some of them better, and I bloody hope he means this Rachel person because I think we ALL wanna know her a little better……..WHO IS SHE?!
Ebru speculates why she has yet to be blessed with a single date and eventually reasons that Sam has been too busy dating the other 9 women she lives with to have time for her. That’s gotta be really hard for him.
Near a body of water somewhere, Woody excitedly tells us that this episode’s date is going to be SUPER DIFFERENT AND UNUSUAL. He has aptly named it “Ground Hog Date”. DER-RAMA ALERT!
Basically, Woody is going to take three lucky bitches on the exact same date, with a couple of “Adventure Challenges” thrown in there to see how they deal with it. Yay!
Jasmin/Fire Hazard’s reaction face to Ebru getting the first date is my new everything and I WISH I COULD FIND A SCREENSHOT DID ANYONE ELSE SEE THAT I CANNOT EVEN! But it legit looked something like this….
I’m so happy for you!
Anyway, this is a date of tests. Each woman has to pass a series of Adventurous Wife Tests to progress onto the next level. A flat tyre, a jet boat ride and a touchy-feely waitress/actor woman who serves them the menu from the last season of ‘I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here’ (nothing says panty-dropper like some delicious duck chin). In other words – A Three-way Death Match. Bachie is super excited to see who gives him the least amount of grief.
Contestant #1 Ebru slides in to the limo all giggles and fake tan. She is so excited her vocal tone ends up somewhere in the “squeaky recorder” vicinity. The limo gets a flat. She helps to change it. They go jet boating. She has fun. Her boobs stay in her dress. They go to the restaurant. The waitress calls her ‘Elbow’ and she doesn’t try to rip open her jugular. TICK!
Contestant #2 Jacinda also jumps into the limo with more enthusiasm than a WAG on Brownlow night. She also helps change the flat…in a lace-up dress. She has fun, her boobs stay in, etc etc. She’s very normal. TICK!
So much romance.
Meanwhile, the other bitches are starting to smell a rat. Two women have now left the house and they are v confused when a fresh-looking Osher appears with ANOTHER single date card. Hold. The. Phone! What is this madness?! (This obviously means no Group Date this week – BOOOO!)
All of a sudden no one is keen on being picked for gender sacrifice. That Rachel girl reads out the last date card which is something about knowing what’s around the corner? She looks confused. She asks whether they think these date cards have second meanings.
Babe.
Welcome to The Bachelor. All the writing staff do around here is come up with date puns and synonyms for “journey”. It definitely has a second meaning.
The poor woman chosen for this extra special three-way test date is Bec. The one Woody allegedly pashed while drunk in Thailand. Or Bali. Somewhere with alcohol.
En route to pick her up, Woody explains how happy he is to be spending time with Contestant #3 and that he wants to push “the fun button”. So…. sex. He wants to sex her. He talks about girls who are adventurous and like adventure like he likes adventure because being adventurous is really important in a partner. Adventure.
Luckily, Bec has twigged that this is some sort of test. And thank GAWD for that because I was legit starting to lose faith in all woman kind. On the plus side though, I realise that Woody has to sit through this God-awful date three times, so sucks to be him.
ANYHOO! Basically all three women behave pretty normally and no one scratches anyone’s eyes out which is obvi disappointing. Although they are a little miffed that this actress/waitress is flirting with their boyfriend which seems pretty bloody redundant considering they are competing on a national TV show where 15 other women flirt and pash said boyfriend, jussayin. #logic.
One by one they all return to the House that Spotlight Built and retell their amazing adventurous adventure to the other bitches. Don’t worry, they piece this very complex puzzle together eventually, but not nearly as quickly as they should have. I mean, how many times do they need to hear, “Omigod it was so amazing but the funniest thing happened!” before the penny drops?
What is happening?
Needless to say, this week’s cocktail party is a little less Playboy Mansion and a bit more school counsellor’s office. Woody looks genuinely surprised.
Turns out, all three bitches are super embarrassed about being sent on the same test date with their communal boyfriend to see who he liked better. It is WAY more embarrassing than the game of bubble soccer they had to play in their underwear yesterday. Again, #logic.
Did you forget this happened?
On the other hand, faaaaark Sam is good at cute talking. His conversation with a crying Bec literally went like this:
B: I just feel really stupid.
S: That wasn’t my intention at all. You actually challenge me so much; it’s what I want. Plus you’re really hot.
B: *giggles* We’re in love now.
I’m not even making this up.*
You really wouldn’t even know that they’d been deliberately set up to look stupid just so Bachie could swoop on in and be a hero. Gosh, that would NEVER happen on this show!
However, Woody keeps referring to this whole thing as a “misunderstanding”. I think misunderstanding might be another term he doesn’t actually know the meaning of. Like friend-zoning. Someone get this guy a dictionary. Oh no wait, here’s Jacinda… she’ll explain it to you…
Oh no.
Yeah, THIS is what friend-zoning is, babe. Poor bloody Jacinda.
She is obviously pissed off but still manages to assure Woody that she had the most amazing day ever, just in case he was feeling any shred of regret.
And then all of a sudden, it’s over. He picks her up and places her smack bang on the throne of Friendship City. I think this means she’s going home. But then they hug, kiss and hold hands. THIS IS CONFUSING!
At this point I’m just not sure which way is up anymore, but I figure the shot of her getting into a car means it’s all over and Jacinda will have to return to her office as Mayor of Friendzone.
I really hope some of you get this 80’s Friendzone reference…
Osher puts his serious face on and sombrely informs the rest of the harem that Jacinda has been deemed unlovable and will be returning to the real world where feminism still exists. Hence, there is no rose ceremony tonight. Everyone looks sad, but I think it’s more to do with the fact they got dolled up for no good reason.
As Jacinda drives away I really really hope that her bloody car doesn’t get a flat tyre, amirite?!
Join me next week when Woody FINALLY takes out Bitch Face Emily and we get to count how many times she makes her sour face. Yippee!
x
*I made it up. But only a little bit!
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