Tag Archives: Sam Wood

The Bachelor Season 3: Ground Hog Dates

14 Aug

It’s GROUND HOG DAAAAAAAY!

 

Guys, things are getting v v serious tonight; Woody is doing some serious exercise/sport things that involve ropes and push ups. He is NOT messing about.

There are only 10 bitches left and he must find at least one to take to the Logies next year. That’s only 5 months away! (Actually, is that true? I don’t watch the Logies.)

 

sam workout

Wife-hunting is serious business.

 

Osher enters the Mess Hall and reminds the ladies that, just like their biological clocks, time is a-ticking. Woody still needs the chance to get to know some of them better, and I bloody hope he means this Rachel person because I think we ALL wanna know her a little better……..WHO IS SHE?!

Ebru speculates why she has yet to be blessed with a single date and eventually reasons that Sam has been too busy dating the other 9 women she lives with to have time for her. That’s gotta be really hard for him.

Near a body of water somewhere, Woody excitedly tells us that this episode’s date is going to be SUPER DIFFERENT AND UNUSUAL. He has aptly named it “Ground Hog Date”. DER-RAMA ALERT!

Basically, Woody is going to take three lucky bitches on the exact same date, with a couple of “Adventure Challenges” thrown in there to see how they deal with it. Yay!

Jasmin/Fire Hazard’s reaction face to Ebru getting the first date is my new everything and I WISH I COULD FIND A SCREENSHOT DID ANYONE ELSE SEE THAT I CANNOT EVEN! But it legit looked something like this….

 

tina eye roll

I’m so happy for you!

 

Anyway, this is a date of tests. Each woman has to pass a series of Adventurous Wife Tests to progress onto the next level. A flat tyre, a jet boat ride and a touchy-feely waitress/actor woman who serves them the menu from the last season of ‘I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here’ (nothing says panty-dropper like some delicious duck chin). In other words – A Three-way Death Match. Bachie is super excited to see who gives him the least amount of grief.

Contestant #1 Ebru slides in to the limo all giggles and fake tan. She is so excited her vocal tone ends up somewhere in the “squeaky recorder” vicinity. The limo gets a flat. She helps to change it. They go jet boating. She has fun. Her boobs stay in her dress. They go to the restaurant. The waitress calls her ‘Elbow’ and she doesn’t try to rip open her jugular. TICK!

Contestant #2 Jacinda also jumps into the limo with more enthusiasm than a WAG on Brownlow night. She also helps change the flat…in a lace-up dress. She has fun, her boobs stay in, etc etc. She’s very normal. TICK!

 

jacinda gross

So much romance.

 

Meanwhile, the other bitches are starting to smell a rat. Two women have now left the house and they are v confused when a fresh-looking Osher appears with ANOTHER single date card. Hold. The. Phone! What is this madness?! (This obviously means no Group Date this week – BOOOO!)

All of a sudden no one is keen on being picked for gender sacrifice. That Rachel girl reads out the last date card which is something about knowing what’s around the corner? She looks confused. She asks whether they think these date cards have second meanings.

Babe.

Welcome to The Bachelor. All the writing staff do around here is come up with date puns and synonyms for “journey”. It definitely has a second meaning.

The poor woman chosen for this extra special three-way test date is Bec. The one Woody allegedly pashed while drunk in Thailand. Or Bali. Somewhere with alcohol.

En route to pick her up, Woody explains how happy he is to be spending time with Contestant #3 and that he wants to push “the fun button”. So…. sex. He wants to sex her. He talks about girls who are adventurous and like adventure like he likes adventure because being adventurous is really important in a partner. Adventure.

Luckily, Bec has twigged that this is some sort of test. And thank GAWD for that because I was legit starting to lose faith in all woman kind. On the plus side though, I realise that Woody has to sit through this God-awful date three times, so sucks to be him.

ANYHOO! Basically all three women behave pretty normally and no one scratches anyone’s eyes out which is obvi disappointing. Although they are a little miffed that this actress/waitress is flirting with their boyfriend which seems pretty bloody redundant considering they are competing on a national TV show where 15 other women flirt and pash said boyfriend, jussayin. #logic.

One by one they all return to the House that Spotlight Built and retell their amazing adventurous adventure to the other bitches. Don’t worry, they piece this very complex puzzle together eventually, but not nearly as quickly as they should have. I mean, how many times do they need to hear, “Omigod it was so amazing but the funniest thing happened!” before the penny drops?

 

buffy

What is happening?

 

Needless to say, this week’s cocktail party is a little less Playboy Mansion and a bit more school counsellor’s office. Woody looks genuinely surprised.

Turns out, all three bitches are super embarrassed about being sent on the same test date with their communal boyfriend to see who he liked better. It is WAY more embarrassing than the game of bubble soccer they had to play in their underwear yesterday. Again, #logic.

 

bubble soccer

Did you forget this happened?

On the other hand, faaaaark Sam is good at cute talking. His conversation with a crying Bec literally went like this:

B: I just feel really stupid.

S: That wasn’t my intention at all. You actually challenge me so much; it’s what I want. Plus you’re really hot.

B: *giggles* We’re in love now.

 

I’m not even making this up.*

You really wouldn’t even know that they’d been deliberately set up to look stupid just so Bachie could swoop on in and be a hero. Gosh, that would NEVER happen on this show!

However, Woody keeps referring to this whole thing as a “misunderstanding”. I think misunderstanding might be another term he doesn’t actually know the meaning of. Like friend-zoning. Someone get this guy a dictionary. Oh no wait, here’s Jacinda… she’ll explain it to you…

Oh no.

Yeah, THIS is what friend-zoning is, babe. Poor bloody Jacinda.

She is obviously pissed off but still manages to assure Woody that she had the most amazing day ever, just in case he was feeling any shred of regret.

And then all of a sudden, it’s over. He picks her up and places her smack bang on the throne of Friendship City. I think this means she’s going home. But then they hug, kiss and hold hands. THIS IS CONFUSING!

At this point I’m just not sure which way is up anymore, but I figure the shot of her getting into a car means it’s all over and Jacinda will have to return to her office as Mayor of Friendzone.

 

somekind1

I really hope some of you get this 80’s Friendzone reference…

 

Osher puts his serious face on and sombrely informs the rest of the harem that Jacinda has been deemed unlovable and will be returning to the real world where feminism still exists. Hence, there is no rose ceremony tonight. Everyone looks sad, but I think it’s more to do with the fact they got dolled up for no good reason.

 

As Jacinda drives away I really really hope that her bloody car doesn’t get a flat tyre, amirite?!

 

Join me next week when Woody FINALLY takes out Bitch Face Emily and we get to count how many times she makes her sour face. Yippee!

 

x

 

 

 

 

*I made it up. But only a little bit!

 

 

 

 

The Bachelor Season 3: The Climb

13 Aug

There’s always gonna be another mountain…

Or in this case, another bitch trying to kiss my boyfriend.

 

 

Today in the House that Spotlight Built, there is no time for swimming or thinking montages because erryone is still super mad that Woody kissed one of his 12 girlfriends in front of 3 of his other girlfriends.

Poor Cool But Not So Cool Girl, H-Bomb, is having a really hard time trying to deal with this recent turn of events and has seemingly forgotten that she is on a television dating show where she is literally pitted against other women for the chance to date a guy.

Osher rocks up just in time to ease the tension, wearing his best Gazman button-up. GUYS! He’s got a DATE CARD! And it goes to Nina. I’m almost positive she’s the one with dark hair who plans other people’s weddings and isn’t Sandra?

Whatever. She dons her most inappropriate top and skinny jeans and heads on out to Sydney Harbour. Again. Because Bachie cannot possibly undertake dating activities that aren’t in the vicinity of water or harbours.

Woody meets her at the pier and tells her he’s had this super special date saved just for her and it had nothing to do with the producers. He also tells her that he loves the fact that she hasn’t asked him to do anything for her or made him feel bad about dating her 15 housemates. What a gal!

 

nina excited

I LOVE climbing things!

 

As it turns out, this super special date Woody definitely planned himself is a Harbour Bridge Climb. You know the thing that 150 tourists do every day? Yeah that. Nina tells him he is “craaaaazy!” People in glass houses, babe…

While they climb the steps of the bridge, Woody admits that apart from women who might make him feel bad about stuff, he is also terrified of heights. It is v v romantic.

Thank GAWD Osher is at the top to try and inject some form of excitement into this date. No big deal guys, he’s just been waiting up here all morning. #commitment.

With his glorious weave flapping in the smog-filled breeze, Osher explains that they are going to break a world record: The longest televised kiss on top of the Harbour Bridge! WHAT ARE THE CHANCES?! THIS WAS DEFINITELY NOT DONE FOR PUBLICITY! THIS IS THE MOST ROMANTIC THING EVER!

They waste no time getting right down to business.

Guys, I really don’t know what my brain was doing, but I honestly didn’t think they would literally show the entire 4 minutes of sucking face. How wrong I was. You could see the shame in Osher’s eyes as he commentated the whole thing (as in, he shouted numbers at them).

I salute you, Sir Gunsberg.

All I could think about for that 4 minutes was whether or not they’d brushed their teeth.

 

britney

 

Meanwhile, back in the Formal Dining Room, Bitch Face Emily is talking with…someone about the possibility of Woody sucking face with Nina. While we are shown Woody sucking face with Nina. Romance.

are they kissing

They are definitely not kissing.

After the longest 4 minutes of my life is over, the two of them go back to a random Harbour-side apartment to sit amongst red and white cushions and talk about feelings. Nina gets a rose. And hopefully some Vaseline for that mean pash rash she must have now. Yowzers.

Nina returns home and tells everyone about her record-breaking date.

Not So Cool Girl Heather’s face is EVERYTHING.

 

heather unsure

I’m cool with this…

heather shock

I will cut a bitch.

GROUP DATE!

Guys, it was only a matter of time before competitive sports were introduced. And this season it appears to be Bubble Soccer i.e. a game where bitches wear short shorts and try and look dignified while running around in an inflatable bubble. I mean, it is definitely the way I plan to bag my future husband.

Craylor Swift is off chops about it. I legit fear for her vocal chords.

Woody referees this complete dedication to gender equality and my boobs hurt just watching it.

Back at the mansion, the other bitches are sitting around baking. For realz. Proving once again that if you aren’t playing competitive sports in your underwear, you must be baking things. #feminism.

soccer teams

Something about Wood and balls.

The green team win and for their efforts are gifted with a Mexican fiesta with Woody aboard a boat. Because water.

Sandra’s extreme commitment to the game and ability to scream things gets her some alone time with Bachie and you just KNOW this is the end. I mean, it’s no secret that the producers have kept her around because she makes better television than a drunk Karl Stefanovic, but I am suddenly feeling really sad. The whole exchange between her and Woody went something like this:

W: You’re really competitive.

S: OMG YESSS!! HAHAHA I LOVE SPORTS AND BALLS!

W: Yeah, we…

S: I MEAN IT WAS SO MUCH FUN I CAN’T EVEN TELL YOU *inaudible laughing/screaming*

W: Do you li…

S: ARE YOU GOING TO EAT THAT ENCHILADA? I LOVE PINATAS!! HAHAHA OMG THIS IS THE BEST! *inaudible laughing/screaming*

Bye bye Sandra. I miss you already.

The other bitches sit out on deck eating Mexican food and looking generally pissed off. I mean, take away the whole “boat” thing and you’ve got any other Friday night.

Later on at the Rose Ceremony, Sandra tells us that her chat with Woody went roily roily well and she expects a rose tonight. Baaaaaabe…..

Bitch Face Emily is in premium hater mode and hates on everyone along with her side-kick, Fire Hazard. BFE makes it clear she will not be approaching Sam any time soon and will continue to sit in her Sour Puss Tower and await his invitation to a day spa.

Woody is clearly psychic and not being told who to talk to by the assistant director because, funnily enough, he appears out of nowhere and asks BFE to accompany him outside.

Bachie admits that he is a little intimidated by Emily because she seems like a tough one to crack. (Lol, “crack”). Gosh, I don’t know WHERE he would get that from considering Emily is only about the smiles.

emily

I’m so happy for you.

She goes back to the Formal Lounge Room and not-so-subtly tells Cool But Not So Cool Girl Heather that Woody isn’t interested in a friend and only wants fireworks.  Cool But Not So Cool Girl Heather tries to play it cool but fails miserably and leaves the room to go hang with her cool, awkward crowd.

the A group

L-R: Jasmin, Emily and some other bitch

 

Before things get even more high school, it’s finally Rose Ceremony time.

I don’t reeeeeally need to recap this part because we ALL know who’s going home. The producers even try and trick us by placing some random girl called Rachel(?) next to Sandra before Woody hands out the final rose. You’re not fooling anyone, Channel 10.

Yep, it’s curtains for Craylor Swift. I’m devastated. I don’t care what anyone says… I loved her.

You go and scream/laugh at all the little children, Craylor! We will miss you.

 

miley climb

Godspeed, Sandra.

xx

 

 

 

 

 

The Bachelor Season 3: In 200 Words or Less

7 Aug

Guys, have you ever felt really excited about something, thought about it for several days, gotten yourself all dressed up for the occasion and then, like the finale of ‘How I Met Your Mother’, been so superbly let down you wanted to drown yourself in a bucket of Pinot?

Yeah that.

Tonight was meant to be Cool But Not So Cool Girl Heather’s White Non-Sex Rose Date. Bitch had built this epic-ness up so much I was totally ready for supreme hipster dating game.

But… it was kind of a fizzer. The whole episode was really. So due to this and the fact that I am so ridiculously time-poor, here is my wrap-up in 200 words of less, with the help of visual aids:

 

Heather likes to doodle cool, dorky things.

 

art

#art

 

The other bitches like high buns and Tiffany pendants.

 

Personal training sessions in creepy prop museums are now a thing.

 

prop museum

Props are sexy.

 

Woody JUST LOVES ALL THE THINGS!

 

spongebob

Everything is THE BEST!

 

A girl called Rachel is on this show?

rachel

I thought you were Sarah?

 

Heather and Woody dress up in my old dance concert costumes.

 

superheroes

Pretty sure I danced to Janet Jackson in this.

 

Emily is still baffled by the White Rose. (ME TOO, BABE!)

 

Woody has no idea what the Friendzone ACTUALLY is.

 

jelly wrestle

This is definitely not what it is.

 

More pashing.

 

heather kiss

This is also not what it is.

 

Anal Glands literally cannot stop talking about anal glands.

 

dawson

Stahhhhhp!

 

There were hot lifeguards in this episode and no one tried to swim out to sea and escape.

 

Joni is very serious. She doesn’t like water. She is clearly going home.

 

joni

Bachie need water.

 

Pecking one of your 12 bitches on the lips in front of 3 of your other bitches is NOT OK.

 

say what

This is totally unexpected.

 

There’s an ATRIUM in the house?!

 

peck

I think this is it?

 

Jasmin/Fire Hazard has never had a boyfriend before. Life makes sense again.

 

Channel 10 are getting really slack at making it hard to guess who is going home.

 

bye ag

I’ll miss you, Anal Glands.

Please join me next week when things are hopefully heaps more interesting.

I wonder if I can still sneak “anal glands” into these posts?

Challenge accepted.

xx

 

 

The Bachelor Season 3: Bitches Do Democracy

6 Aug

Parliament is now in session!

 

Before I delve into my educated and impassioned spiel, I do need to share something; I dropped the ball this week. I didn’t organise my calendar very well and so actually missed last night’s episode as I was at work. So I am sitting watching the replay on my computer as we speak. For some cursed reason, there always seems to be a week early on in the season where I become completely incommunicado and unable to fulfil my Bachie duties. I promise to go back to having no life next week and do better.

 

OKAY.

 

It’s morning time. The sun rises. Woody comes to the deck. He’s wearing his best Rebel Sports get-up. Woody is really sporty, guys. He owns a fitness company. He can’t possibly start a day of wining and dining bitches without a smart workout.

He tells us that he is 34 and time is of the essence. He really needs a woman he can fall “head ova hoils” for. True story.

Back at the Lincraft Manor, the bitches are, surprisingly, not hanging about the Mess Hall, but rather, have been moved into the much classier-looking Formal Day Room. There are lots of white couches and candles. It could be Osher’s dressing room; hard to say.

Speaking of that glorious weave, Oshy himself steps in the tell the ladies that he has no date card as he and Sam have realised their true feelings for one another and flown to Zimbabwe to adopt one of Brangelina’s children. Bitches look mad.

Jokes.

In actual fact, Osher is here to tell the women that, this week, THEY get to decide who goes on a date with Woody. Because DEMOCRACY!

Jacinda is all for it; she is legit excited that she gets a say in who goes on a date with a dude no one really knows very well.

Tall Bitch #3 isn’t as enthusiastic. She admits she needs the Bachelor to choose HER, not the other way round. Unfortunately, she has yet to realise that bad #draping skills get you nowhere on this show so this might be her only chance.

Cool Girl Heather is definitely not Cool with it either. Her reaction is very Not-Cool. Her Cool Façade is crumbling.

Some girl called Nina says something about choosing things.

Osher explains that they will vote anonymously. And before he has even finished that sentence, he quickly reminds the bitches that they cannot vote for themselves. They look genuinely disappointed.

Parma heads outside to place her vote in Bachie Survivor. She reasons that it’s all about karma. Parma and karma rhyme. It’s funny. I forget what else she says because I started thinking about chicken.

 

tribal council

#equality

 

Back at Tribal Council, Osher breaks the news that two of the bitches have come in at a tie. The even better news is that those two women are Tall Bitch #3 (whose name is Madeleine FYI) and……my bestie, Craylor Swift aka Sandra! Things are LOOKING UP!

Except the rest of the bitches disagree with me and all re-vote for Tall Bitch #3. The worst. Apparently because she’s quiet. Logic.

YAY! EQUALITY!

(Guys, that Ebru woman pops up again. Is she the make-up artist?)

 

ebru

Do you work here?

 

While Woody waits for his Democracy Date down at some dingy boat shed, we find out that Tall Bitch #3 is from rural Victoria. And, shut the front door, she bakes cupcakes, guys! She has serious #wifeskills. She also said earlier that she needs her man to choose her. Something tells me she was made for this show.

Woody gets her onto a little boat and things get v v Notebook-like when it starts to rain, but with a generous dash of awkward as Madeleine panics that her hair is getting wet. Bitch, you didn’t see Rachel McAdams carry on like a pork chop, did you? To her credit, she does what any self-respecting woman would do in this situation; she sucks down the champagne like a puppy at a teat.

God I love day-drinking.

 

notebook rain 2

How dare you make me nature!

 

But things take a turn for the worse when we, and Woody, realise that Madeleine is super dooper annoying and vain. After complaining about her wet hair (look, I’ll forgive that one. If my hair gets wet I end up resembling a mangy poodle), she then goes on to whinge about her ruined makeup AND turns down a free picnic feed because she doesn’t want to get strawberry seeds in her teeth! For realz, she is the worst dater ever. Bitch needs to put a lid on it.

Woody is not impressed. He puts it down to their age gap. Come on, mate, she’s 26. She should be able to adult by now.

 

madeleine

I am so good at this.

 

Meanwhile, Bec (I think that’s her name – she’s kind of like Chantal from last year? Chantal the Sequel) bounds into the Rotunda with a gold envelope. Holy sheet, its… ANOTHER SINGLE DATE! What is this MADNESS?!

The bitches are saaaaaaaah pissed.

After they get their illogical arguments out of their systems, they do a smart brainstorm session over what the date might be. Considering the card said, “rise and shine”, Joni surmises that maybe they’ll be sleeping over somewhere so that they can wake up together.

Someone needs to catch Joni up with Bachie lingo. There is no sexy-time until Dates with No Time Limits. Although that didn’t really happen last year, did it? (Not looking at anyone, Channel 10!)

And the winner is… Parmigiana!

She seems a little worried as she hasn’t been on a date in ages. Because she has a kid. Which I totally forgot about. Kiev I think her name was?

Anyway, based on her previous experience, the best advice I can give Parma at this point is – use protection? Seems appropriate.

The producers get Woody and Parma up at the butt-crack of dawn to go hot air ballooning. I think they borrowed it off Bron Bishop. She’s such a giver.

Cue much triumphant soaring music and more day drinking. Weee!

 

bronwyn

Please. I have heaps of flying machines.

 

Once back on solid ground, the two continue their day drinking crawl with a trip to a vineyard. Something something grapes, something something beautiful, something something picnic.

 

THEY PASH! WOOO!

Well done, Parmigiana. You get a rose.

 

snezana

Pashing!

 

 

Cocktail Party.

It’s a theme tonight – the Roaring Twenties. Any excuse to wear sparkles and get the boobs out, amirite?

The bitches are like cooped up chickens waiting to peck someone’s eye out after no group date this week. Their formal gowns and glittery headwear do little to mask the desperation.

Woody asks Cool Girl Heather for a moment alone and the rest of the bitches crack the sads. I get the distinct impression they are not on the Cool Girl Train.

Woody admits his White (Sex) Rose plan has kind of back-fired on him, as he’s been waiting for her to “call him”. I mean, you’d think this was real life and he’d given a girl an ounce of power. Poor pet. I like Sam, but I think this show is starting to mess with his understanding of life.

 

heather uncool

I’m still cool, right?

 

In her post-alone-time-interview, Cool Girl admits she’s getting a case of “the girlies” and is once again proving to me that she is not so Cool at all. Very Uncool, Cool Girl.

Busy Businesswoman Sarah also gets a moment with Woody, which is promptly interrupted by Craylor Swift, who is super anxious for Bachie Face Time. She waits behind a corner, like a patient Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction, and springs herself onto her victims.

At first it seems BBS is copping it on the chin and is about to Exit Stage Left gracefully, but hold the phone, no, she’s going to stick it out on the Couch of Awkward between her potential Logies date and his other girlfriend. Awkward levels reach critical. Craylor doesn’t seem too phased. She is heaven on a biscuit.

 

sandra interrupts

Stay calm…look normal…

 

Rose Ceremony!

Lucky for them, Parmigiana’s boobs already have a rose, so they are safe. (And out!)

Tall Bitch #3 didn’t get a rose on her individual date because her hair got messy, so she is a little bit worried.

Craylor is stressing that maybe Woody doesn’t like girls he is dating to interrupt his conversations with other girls he is dating.

Emily is worried her dress doesn’t have enough cut-outs.

Anal Glands….says something about anal glands.

……………………………….

 

Poor Tall Bitch#3. It seems her messy hair, #draping skills and refusal to eat strawberries have sealed her fate. Woody takes her outside to say a proper goodbye and hopefully school her a little bit on how to adult.

 

At least she’s still got her cupcakes and Victorian values, I guess.

 

Join me tomorrow, when Cool But Not-Cool Girl finally executes her super cool date and says lots of things like “rad” and “dude”.

 

xx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Bachelor Season 3: Nobody Puts Bitches in a Corner

30 Jul

I’ve…had…the time of my life.

No I never felt this way before…

About a guy I met yesterday.

 

baby lift

This definitely did not happen.

 

Oh the fun just hasn’t stopped in the House that Spotlight Built!

Since yesterday, there has been more sunrises, much seagulls and many water.

Bitches are sitting around the mess hall in their casual Seed daywear. (Hot tip: beige is back, apparently.) Osher and his extra 10 kilos stride in after a gruelling morning of muffins and coffee.

Hold everything!

He’s got a date card, girls. I mean, WHAT are the chances?! All the bitches try and look casual and devil-may-care and they all suck at it.

Dr Anal Glands is worried about not getting private time with Woody because she’s still, “got a lot more to offer than just anal gland chat.” Mm, don’t bet on it, babe.

Jasmin i.e. Fire Hazard, thinks it is v v unfair that one girl gets to spend time with their communal boyfriend. I don’t know where she’s getting this logic from, but I’m worried those fumes from her burning tutu got to her head.

Busy Businesswoman Sarah gets date #1, suckers!

And… SURPRISE! It’s on a boat! Now that’s revolutionary!

Woody is super excited to take Sarah out on the “wawtaaa” and spend time keeling and leaning and other nautical things.

They get cosy with a smart bottle of Yellow and a randomly placed beanbag and BBS begins to recall her infamous “dream” to Sam about how she went on The Bachelor.

You know, I had a dream too…that this date was way more interesting. Snore…

She returns from Dream But Real Date to many many questions from the gang who have been sitting around staring at each other and wondering whether they should’ve just stuck to Tinder. They have ALL the questions:

“Did you see his body?”

“Did you hold his anal gland, I mean, HAND?!” **

 

boat grab

Quick! Hold onto something sturdy…

 

GROUP DATE!

This is the sole reason Episode 2 is always better than Episode 1. Group dates.

Bachie takes 10 of his 19 bitches to a photo shoot in another random mansion somewhere. A lady not competing for a man’s attention is there. I wonder who she is? She looks very out of place. Oh right, she’s the editor of New Idea. Or Woman’s Day… something. She explains all of the bitches are going to do a photo shoot with Woody based on famous movies and the pictures will be published in her magazine.

Errybody loves a bit of cross promotion, amirite?

Sandra is told she will be partaking in a remake of ‘Dirty Dancing’ and the way she completely overreacts makes me wonder if she was kept down a grade or two in primary school.

Unfortunately for Normal Resheal, she is also going to be involved in this shoot. The producers are being A-grade dicks to her to get her to unleash some crazy. Come on guys, at least she showed up in her zany butterfly headband she got from Diva DFO! (No but seriously, never wear that again…)

Parmigiana and Tall Bitch #3 are Bond girls. Tall Bitch #3 looks like a baby giraffe on a tiled floor. She cannot comfortably pose to save her life. The photographer tries to make her feel better by asking her to “drape” over the hood of a car. She doesn’t know what drape means. Girl’s #drapegame needs work.

 

madeleine

Can’t #drape

 

Cool Girl Heather is put in the ‘Great Gatsby’ group. The other two bitches are mad because Cool Girl stands next to Woody, how very dare she, and gets to #drape over his shoulder which is totally unfair because they should be sharing him and his shoulder. Cool Girl makes more dorky jokes.

Back on the dirty dancefloor, Fire Hazard is dressed as Baby, while Sandra, Resheal and Sexy Lumberjack dance around Woody like it’s Friday night at Revolver. Jasmin/Fire Hazard looks pissed because she can’t slut drop but instead has to hold a stupid watermelon. Nobody puts Jasmin in a corner! If you did, she’d probably burn her dress on a candle.

 

dancing

This definitely did happen.

 

Skinny Emily has been gifted with possibly the most thinly-veiled case of favouritism. She gets to hang with Woody in nothing but her underwear and a shirt. Because ‘Ghost’.

Look guys, I don’t usually buy into all this, but HOTDAMN that is some sexy clay! The other bitches look like they want to punch her in the anal gland.

After the photo shoot, the bitches all take a cold shower and get ready for the cocktail party.

Someone figures out that there is serious tension and anxiety over the fact that 19 women are trying to marry the same guy. Cool Girl Heather gets another chance to be cool and dorky. She is basically Emma Stone in ‘Crazy Stupid Love’ but it’s actually starting to irk me. Sorry ladies…

 

emma stone

What she said.

 

Skinny Emily has it in for Heather. She is just Not. A. Fan.

She watches Woody and Cool Girl discuss Mario Kart on the lawn and declares that, “if he’s into Heather, I’m definitely not his type. I like day spas and fancy dinners out.”

Guys, I’m starting to think Emily might be more high maintenance than Osher’s hair.

Jacinda realizes she is on a reality TV dating show and crumbles to pieces; Woody is directed to go into the lounge room  finds Jacinda in tears. He coaches her back out into the bear pit like any good P.E. teacher and a hesitant 8 year-old.

Rose Ceremony!

Osher drops the bombshell that three bitches will be sent packing tonight. THREE! Gawd, this is turning into a bloodbath!

Jacinda worries she has ruined her chances by crying. I mean, the nerve of her to show emotion; this could mean trouble. Luckily, Woody is okay with tears and she gets the first rose. What a sweetheart!

Someone called Ebru gets a rose?!

Cool Girl gets a rose… obviously.

 

cool heather

I got this.

Everyone else gets a rose until there are four left: Tessa, Normal Resheal, Tall Bitch #3 and…..another girl. They all try and stay calm.

………………….

Tall Bitch #3 gets the last rose. Seems Woody is okay with sub-par draping skills.

I feel bad for Normal Resheal. She was just too normal in the end.

Tessa is disappointed too. She explains that she has many more layers to her that Woody never got to see. Mostly made of flannel.

Sexy Lumberjack out.

See you next week, friends.

x

** Please welcome my new writing partner. He will remain unnamed, but he is very funny and will have snide input into this blog from time to time. The hand joke was his.

The Bachelor Season 3 Premiere: Into the (Sam) Woods

30 Jul

“Into the woods to Bachie’s house…”

 

Ladies and gentlemen, in the glorious names of dignity and gender equality, we assemble here again.

 

WELCOME BACK!

 

Gawd, I’ve missed you.

 

Sweet Valley High, we have officially begun Season 3 of Australian TV’s crowning glory, ‘The Bachelor’. *fan girl squealing*

I cannot even express to you how much I was aching to get back into this… Channel 10 have been teasing me worse than Missy Higgins and her lesbian following!

But I’ll tell you something for free; it was bloody WORTH IT!

Good gawd have they assembled a solid team this year. For realz, my numerous social media platforms were going off chops! I’ve actually never felt more popular.

But enough about me. Let the proceedings begin!

 

Cut to opening montage of golden sunrises, glistening oceans, fake tan, anal bleaching and dreams. In case you missed it, two other shirtless guys totally pashed on with two other blonde chicks in the last two years but one got proposed to but then he changed his mind and pashed another blonde chick who was good at making pavlova, so we are on to a winner with this show.

Enter Bachie 3.0.

Sam Wood. Tiger Wood. Woody. Woody Wants a Wife. I mean the dude has one of the broadest Aussie accents I have heard since Jamie Rogers in the Sportsbet ads.

woody

Get in line, bitches.

 

He lives in Melbourne (Omigod! What if we run into each other getting our pre-workout soy latte?)* but is actually from Tasmania. He has a kids fitness business called Gecko Sports. And he, “wears his haaart on his sloyive.”

#Straya.

It’s actually fine so far. Despite multiple gaydars pinging around the place, Woody seems like a decent bloke. I mean, I’m pretty certain that most people are just glad he’s not stupid Blake. So I’m more than willing to give him a chance.

Osher’s back. He’s had the full salon treatment. I’m guessing the Miracle Oil Deep Conditioning? But guys, just hang on….don’t get mad…but…has Oshy….*GASP* put on weight?

Not that that’s a bad thing. I think he kind of overdid it on the paleo and bikram yoga last year, so he is looking muuuuuch healthier  for this season. Hooray!

 

slutty-osher

Never forget.

Now that Osher’s had some carbs, let’s meet the bitches!!

 

Bitch #1 – Naj…Zhaja…Snijannn…. First Girl

Twitter was pretty sure she said “Vagina” but in the interest of keeping things clean, I’m gonna go with Parmigiana. Cos that’s what she called herself. Parma is hot and ethnic. I like her.

Bitch #2 – Busy Business Lady – Sarah

Sarah is very busy being a businesswoman because she walks briskly down the streets of Melbourne wearing glasses and stops on bridges to ponder why she allowed her need to be a businesswoman stop her from entering a contest to fight over a dude she barely knows.

Bitch #3 – Anal Glands – Laura(?)

No, she’s not a drag queen. She’s a vet. And she’s English. And so she has an accent. Which she felt the need to tell Woody straight away. As in, “Did you notice my accent?” No, bitch. I’ve said two words to you, just hold up! But could you please tell me more about anal glands?

And that is Exactly. What. She. Did. #DrAnalGlands for the win.

We are barely five bitches in and already I am so happy with my life choices.

 

sam yuck

This really happened.

 

We meet out of work actor personal assistant, Jacinda; cool, “real girl” Heather; a collection of boring, semi-normal women and then my new reason for living – Sandra.

Just imagine if Laurina’s dad had an affair with Maria Venuti and their illicit union spawned a child. A girl with a big rack and a penchant for high ponytails and yelling things really loudly. Well, that would be Sandra.

Guys, it is taking a lot of self-restraint to continue writing about the rest of the show and not just dedicate this whole blog to why Sandra is the best thing to happen to television since the Edelsten wedding. (Which one? Doesn’t matter.)

Sandra tells us that she’s funny and crazy and that a lot of women find her intimidating. So…… she’s annoying as f*#k. She is super dooper excited because her name starts with THE SAME LETTER AS BACHIE! Ohmagaad guys, this could be true love!

 

sandra

Practically twins.

 

Cocktail Party!

SHUT THE FRONT DOOR, THE WHITE/SEX ROSE IS BACK!

This year they are trying to tell us that it gives the woman the chance to take Woody out on a date of her choice. As in, a woman is getting an iota of power on this show, this is BIG! I still don’t buy it. It will always be the Sex Rose in my mind.

The bitches are primed and ready for Woody to steal them away into the night and give them a chance to dazzle him in 3 minutes or less.

The House that Spotlight Built is in full regalia with fairy lights, faux flowers and candles, candles, candles. One bitch burns her tutu on said candles. First life lesson of the night: Don’t cha-cha near an open flame.

As usual, it is very clear that there is far too much champers and not enough toilets in this ridiculous mansion. Consequently, Sandra is getting white girl wasted at an alarming rate and starts complaining to the general area around her that people seem like bitches. Resheal, the token non-white girl of the season and completely normal-looking, reasons that it’s the first night and that everyone seems nice. She is obviously having a dig at Sandra and Sandra is not having a bar of it. Resheal once again reasons that she doesn’t like to gossip about people she doesn’t know and that maybe Sandra is overreacting.

Second life lesson of the night (according to Sandra): If you don’t gossip, you’re not a woman.

How can you not love this stupid show?!

Cool girl Heather, who is described as an “Aspiring Film Maker”, gets a moment with Woody and wins hearts ALL over Australia. Oh she’s just so COOL and NORMAL because she talks about superheroes and dorky things. WOW! Can I remind you that she also said that there’s just something about waiting for a man to come and “get you” that appeals to her. #feminism.

I assume she’s a poor uni student who goes to RMIT, so I’ll let that one slide.

Busy businesswoman Sarah gets the first rose after making Woody do yoga awkwardly in a tux. These girls are just so CA-RAZAY!

Shit is getting real, guys. There are only….. ummm….. actually I don’t know how many roses are left. But there’s a lot.

Some chick called Tess panics and decides she needs to bring in the big guns. She talks over her plan to approach Bachie with Cool Girl Heather. She looks v serious. Heather counsels her like she is contemplating donating an organ. Tess realises that she needs to “stand out”. Omigod guys, WHAT is she going to DO?!

 

 

Get changed.

That’s the short answer.

Tess goes and takes off her GASP dress and pulls on a smart pair of Timberlands and a singlet top. She is a sexy lumberjack apparently.

 

lumberjack

Goals.

With her new-found lumberjack confidence, Tess strides off to get chopping Sam’s Wood, ifyouknowwhadImean?

Meanwhile, Sandra has now reached critical level drunk and has decided to have it out with that normal bitch, Resheal. In front of everyone. Because that is what a good choice looks like. She gathers the other bitches up and declares that Resheal is just the worst for insinuating that she is a trouble-maker, refuses to speak with Resheal privately but reassures everyone that she forgives her. Resheal tries to explain her normal side of the story, but Drunk Sandra is not okay with this and some random mad girl tells Sandra to shut up and let Resheal speak.

It’s heaven.

It is at this point I remember that Sandra is a primary school teacher. Like, with kids. Tbh, I’m pretty glad she’s not my kids’ teacher but also I wish I had kids so she could be. Can you IMAGINE a parent/teacher interview with her?!

To give Sandra some credit, we have AAAALLLLL been that girl at a party. Don’t pretend you haven’t had too much spumante and danced on a table somewhere, screaming at everyone for hating on you. No? Just me? Moving on….

But hold the phone!

Woody looks thoughtful. He’s thinking about stuff. He’s going back into the house. What what WHAT is happening?!

He gets the White/Sex Rose! He’s going to give it to someone. I can’t deal. I bet it’s that skinny girl in the white dress I already forgot about. No, no wait…

It’s Cool Girl Heather! YAY!!

Collective cheers are heard around Australia. Cool Girl says any date she controls is going to be EPIC. I bet she takes him to some hipster garden party where jaffles fall from the sky and then on to a foreign movie screening.

Osh returns and tells everyone the first Rose Ceremony is about to commence. EEEEEEE!

The producers have reinstated the Batman Begins soundtrack and so everything is v v dramatic. Many bitches whose names I forget receive a rose. Even Anal Glands gets one.

We are left with Sandra, Random Mad Girl and a somewhat scary-looking chick called Zilda. Sandra contemplates the possibility that she might not get a rose. And we are gifted our third life lesson of the night: Maybe some guys just don’t like the full package.

If Sandra doesn’t get a rose I will cry. Loudly.

 

HA! As IF she wasn’t going to get one! The producers of this show are smarter than I give them credit for; Drunk Sandra is the reason this show exists! She mercifully gets the very last rose, which means we are left with two losers who are undeserving of love.

 

rejects

Bye Random Mad Girl. 😦

And that, my friends, is that. Episode One in what promises to be an epic season of Bachie goodness. I have not stopped talking about it all morning. My brain hurts I’m that excited.

Until tomorrow….

Anal glands.

xx

*This is probably never going to happen because I don’t work out.