Tag Archives: osher

The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: Night of the Living (Dead) Bitches

11 Sep

Are you afraid of the dark?

Our favorite bachelorettes are not. Evidently, they’re more concerned about Jess/Elsa getting her overly large teeth into Blake Vader, but that’s another story. Priorities, people.

I’d just like to point out that I spent this evening’s episode at a ‘Bachelor’ themed birthday party. There were actual roses and everything. (Happy birthday, Mel you (non-crazy) bitch!)

To take it back to the start, it appears the producers have permanently dropped the traditional opening sequence of Blake in water/pondering things/taking his shirt off. Has this got anything to do with the photos circulating the internets of said Bachelor in his tightie whities at a Hen’s party? Surely not!

 

blake stripper

#seriousbusinessman

 

The ladies were gathered casually in the Rec Room at school camp and they were in bloody high spirits.

“Omigod we’re into single digits!”

“Omigod there’s like NO ONE left!”

“Omigod our polygamous relationship with a gay guy is getting SAH serious! Squeeeee!”

Osher was still getting his hair set and blow waved, so he was unable to join the ladies for the first date card. Shaking in anticipation, Louise expertly points out that a second date is very much needed when you want to marry someone.

Unfortunately, we’re gonna be off to a slow start because Lisa gets the date and we all know she is ridiculously normal. She seems happy about it, but not as happy as Jess/Elsa who CANNOT EVEN EVERYTHING IS SO EXCITING PUPPIES AND RAINBOWS AND FAIRY FLOSS!

Guys, I missed the montage of Lisa getting dressed and gushing about Richard Mercer. The TV LOST SIGNAL!!! For like, a whole minute. Gawd it was stressful; but we recovered and managed to pick things back up at a racetrack.

Yep, to rub maple syrup into the wounds, Lisa is taken on an individual date to fallen comrade, Canadian Horse Whisperer’s, actual worst nightmare: the races.

But with no one there. Like no one.

Now, I haven’t been to the races for a good five or so years because well…..just no. But from what I can recall from my former years as a heavy-drinking, irresponsible uni student, the races are actually completely rubbish without thousands of slutty, stupid people getting shit-faced in their Sunday best. Fact.

Lisa seems to have fallen under Jess/Elsa’s spell of believing Blake Vader has any sort of hand in organizing the dates because she is super dooper impressed that he has set up a table right next to the racetrack. I mean, what an amazing position amongst all these people who aren’t even here.

 

Metal railing on a race track

What a spot.

As anticipated, it is a fairly non-eventful date, except when we catch a glimpse of Vader’s jealous face when he realizes Lisa gets the horse called Foxy and he doesn’t. They then move off to another “romantic” location with many candles and couches draped with velvet. Because candles. I seriously have no idea where they are.

Lisa has apparently won a bet from their creepy horse race and as a prize, she gets a massage. Unfortunately, it’s not a boob/vagina massage like I’d hoped. Snore.

NEWSFLASH!

Back at the mansion, Chantal is fulfilling her co-host duties by informing the other bitches that someone is “really sick.”

OMG YOU GUYS IT’S LAURINA! HER EYEBROWS WENT ROGUE AND ATTACKED HER! SHE IS IN HOSPITAL!

All the other bitches: “Wow, that’s full-on. I really hope she dies.”

They do their best to look concerned, but I swear to God, there is champagne being opened in the background.

GROUP DATE!

90% of the bitches pop on their best khaki jackets and are taken to one of Australia’s most haunted places. I think it’s an old hospital? Osher looks really serious and explains that this place is haunted with the ghosts of Blake’s ex-boyfriends immigrants and convicts who tried to flee their countries. They’ve even brought in a psychic lady. This IS serious.

The psychic/actor/Mystic Meg lady tells them about evil energies and strange happenings around the place. Is she talking about ghosts or just another day at the Crazy Bitch mansion? Basically, their dead relatives are here and they are JUDGING THEM.

Osher looks scared. If there’s one thing he fears more than complex carbohydrates, it’s undead spirits ruining his root shakra. He leaves.

And so begins one of the most absurd dates in the history of everything.

 

cemetary

Romance

 

 

Jess/Elsa is living up to her Stage 5 Clinger status and getting all up in Vader’s grill, much to the disgust of his other beards. To break this tension, they are promptly taken into an old hospital room and presented with Laurina’s dead body. Jokes. It’s just Laurina without her Botox bandages on. Well, they did say she was in hospital, amiright?

The bitches pretend to listen to Mystic Meg talk about dead people and stuff but are more concerned with cock-blocking Vader and Jess. It seems to work; there is no sexy forehead touching in the dark. Such a shame.

Later on, Richard Mercer manages to escape Jess/Elsa’s clutches and takes Lauren (?) for a walk. The actor/dancer newbie one? I.e. the one who works retail at Bloch and has an agent. But HOLD UP. Blake thinks Lauren might be too shy for him, after all, she’s just walked through a haunted hospital/warehouse and crapped her pants. How DARE she not laugh at all his jokes and spit glitter!

Due to Lauren’s unacceptable response to this creepy date, Vader decides to give himself a quick ego boost by taking Jess/Elsa outside for a chat. Because EVERYTHING IS AWESOME TODAY WAS SO GREAT I LOVE SEEING WHERE PEOPLE DIED LETS SEXY FOREHEAD TOUCH!

The other bitches are not. ok. with. this. Obvi Jess/Elsa is a huge bitch burger who will stop at nothing to make their boyfriend fall in love with her on a competition about making a man fall in love with them.

They go outside and do stuff. Sexy forehead touch most likely.

COCKTAIL PARTY

Lesbihonest, cocktail parties are no fun without Laurina’s eyebrows there to awkwardly stare at people and take about segregation and street pies.

However, Chantal attempts to take her place for the night, by cornering Vader and basically accusing him of loving Jess/Elsa more than everyone else because he hung out with her on a date that Chantal wasn’t even on but his five other girlfriends were and they even tried to blow out their lamps but he didn’t care and now they are mad. Are you following this? Don’t worry, it’s v v confusing. She gets upset and I’m not entirely sure why.

BUT THEN. Richard Mercer bites back. He Bites. Back.

Blake: Nah nah, she takes initiative.

Chantal: Well we don’t like it.

Blake: You do it. Lisa does it.

Chantal: But it’s hurting our feelings. You touch foreheads with her, so you must be in love with her.

Blake: My boyfriends never gave me this much effing trouble.

 

Chantal returns to the Red Room of Pain and looks aptly pained herself. The other bitches who aren’t Jess/Elsa are worried.

ROSE CEREMONY

After checking to make sure the mansion has been cleansed of all evil spirits, Osher returns to inform the bitches that, between taking a girl to a creepy, empty race track and taking several girls to a creepy, haunted warehouse, Vader has managed to squeeze in a romantic trip to the hospital to gift Laurina’s eyebrows with a rose.

Is it a white rose? IS IT???!!!!!! IS THIS STILL A THING? PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY!

Upon hearing that she hasn’t died, the bitches seem deflated. The rose ceremony is therefore performed quickly so that everyone can go back to their rooms and stick more pins in their Laurina dolls.

Newbie Lauren is out. I don’t have to be Mystic Meg to have seen that one coming.

But what I WOULD really like Mystic Meg to tell me is the actual reason why Laurina is in hospital. Because no one says anything. THERE IS A BIG, PINK F&*#$ING ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM, PEOPLE, AND I WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE SHIT IS HAPPENING!

So here are my assumptions as to what has ailed her:

  • Her forehead skin is stretched so tight her skull has burst through
  • The trauma of the Dirty Street Pie incident has caused her to lose her mind and she has been sent to a psych ward
  • As mentioned earlier, her eyebrows took on a life of their own, jumped off her face and stabbed her
  • Anita snuck back into the mansion and stole Laurina’s dog, Bambi, away. Laurina chased after her in her Jimmy Choos but stumbled down the stairs, breaking her ankle. No word yet on the whereabouts of Bambi.
  • Her lips fell off.

 

Tune in tonight to find out if any of the above are even remotely true and see all the crazy bitches wear masks so Laurina doesn’t feel so bad about the swelling.

 

stick person

I won’t give up on you, White Rose

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: The One I Didn’t Really Care About

5 Sep

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I kind of missed most of this episode. And then when I went back to watch it online I was bored. Everything is boring without Canadian Horse Whisperer. I’m sorry, but I’m still in mourning.

 

So here is my summary of last night’s episode in 100 words or less accompanied by some visual aids:

 

Jess/Elsa rewarded with individual date. She’s excited.

 

peak-gush

Everything is the BEST

 Old steam train, many vintage.

 

train

So much vintage

 Forehead touching

 

Rowboat

 

forehead touching

Forehead touching

 

forehead touching 2

 

Forehead touching

 

forehead touching 2

 

Group date – it’s a yacht

 

yacht

Because water

 

Boobs

 

blake boat

I love boobs! Really!

 

Sunscreen

 

Bitchy stares

 

Boobs

 

blake boat 2

Stay calm…stay calm…

 

Cocktail party

 

Louise has new lipstick – what is life?!

 

louise lipstick

Who even ARE you?!

 

Chantal’s boobs

 

chantal boob

 

Blake takes Lisa to ‘secret spot’ and she says something normal

 

lisa

We are so secretive

 Cheeky pash

 

Everyone hates Jess/Elsa

 

FROZEN

You’re out of the group

 

Forehead touching

 

forehead touching 2

 

Rose ceremony

 

Chantal’s boobs

 

chantal boob

Bye bye Vampire Mary & Holly 2.0.

 

Holly 2.0 doesn’t even care

 

mary rachel 2

They look sad

 

 

 

The end.

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: Gypsies, Tramps & Pies

4 Sep

I got real excited about tonight’s episode. Like really. There was gonna be street pie, and Laurina crying and hopefully many drama. But tbh, I was left a little…disappointed. Like the families of all the women on this show. There was *spoiler alert* no rose ceremony, no shirtless Vader on/in water and no group date.

I don’t wanna be the one to say it, but someone is getting lazy and I do not appreciate.

Anyhoo, the bitches are all crowded around the Mess Hall talking about who has the biggest My Little Pony collection. Not to be outdone, Osher blows in the doorway for a mere moment to drop a bomb; there will be NO group date this week – just three individual dates. That’s three WHOLE girls who get time with Richard Mercer. Before he can say too much, or anyone can ask about the white rose (I’m sorry, but WHERE is it?! WHEEERRRRRRRRRREEEEE??) Osh is off again before his organic oatmeal goes cold.

The bitches have been studying their Maths revision, and deduce that because there are THREE date cards and THREE new bitches, then those three new bitches must be getting the three dates. Obvi Canadian Horse Whisperer takes this very insensitive comment personally and cannot actually believe that her besties would say something so hurtful to her and her bacon.

Poor Amber. I mean, tonight is the night she realises she is the only original bitch who hasn’t had a date because she is great f*#^ing television and pissing her off every week is giving me things to write about.

Blah blah she doesn’t get the date because everyone hates her. Who does get the date though, is Sam, Lauren and *gasp* Laurina/Bane!

Sam takes the news like a champ and realises she better go shave her legs. She is f*#^ing growing on me. Although, lesbihonest, I am really hoping she’s being taken to a hairdresser to touch up those terrible roots, jussayin.

Lauren tells us how SUPER SPECIAL she feels being Date 2 of 3. I mean, who could blame her.

Laurina/Bane’s eyebrows practically get airborne.

Because there is no group date to eat up the budget this week, the show runners have gone all out by teaming with the theme for each date.

Date 1

Sam’s theme? Field of Dreams. They are flying over Sydney in a helicopter and she asks Vader where they’re going to land and he just has… no… bloody… idea. He attempts to improvise but the assistant director is just telling him to shut it down.

They get to a v romantic picnic in a field of horses (thank Bryan Adams Canadian Horse Whisperer isn’t here) and I don’t know if anyone noticed but THERE IS AN EFFING GLOBE SITTING THERE AS IN THE 3D ATLAS I HAD IN GRADE 5! I’m waiting for Vader to spin the thing and point to all the countries he’s stripped in, but alas, it doesn’t happen.

It’s overall pretty boring, except there is a funny moment when Sam talks about how scared she gets of putting herself out there which is why she auditioned for a reality TV show so bitches like me could mock her.

 

globe

Who doesn’t love a smart globe?

 

 

Date 2

Newbie Lauren gets the theme of Italy. Richard Mercer picks her up in, what I assume is, an Italian car. (Look, you could slap a Mazzarati symbol on a Barina and I’d believe it was from Italy. You wanna Mazzarati? You better werk, bitch…sorry).

They sit at a table with a red and white checked tablecloth and eat spaghetti. Because Italy. Vader even toasts to Italy. It’s really shit.

(It is at this point that my own manfriend went out into the night and bought me a bottle of wine. For realz, we should have our own reality show where we date except no one would watch it because we are really boring and do nothing.)

Where was I?

Newbie Lauren gets rose, which is a win. The rest I forget, I was getting drunk.

 

Italy.

 

Date 3

Eeeeeeee!! Laurina/Bane has put on her Sunday best and is just dying to get her fancy on. Babe, dunno how I feel about satin mini dresses in the daytime, but each to their own.

Laurina’s eyebrows are just swooning all over the place about the potential fancy stuff they might do and everyone is dying because we know exactly where this is going.

Mufasa leads her to the local Strike Bowling Bar. HashtagFun.

They lace up their two-toned shoes and Laurina’s eyebrows try and act normal by putting hashtags at the beginning of all her sentences. However, it becomes pretty clear that she sucks; at both bowling and acting. HashtagCraft. Actually, they both really suck. Until Vader asks her to put a wager on the game. Suddenly, Laurina’s eyebrows are reanimated and she claims that, should she win, he must take her on a super romantic, fancy, luxurious date. Vader agrees and then tells her that if he is the victor he gets anal.

Back at the quadrangle, the A group sit around playing Uno, because Uno is rad. HashtagSerious.

Lucky for us, Laurina’s eyebrows win the game and she cannot even stem her flow because she is throwing “luxurious” and “fine dining” ALL over the place.

In the car, Richard Mercer tells her he is super excited to take her to this place for dinner because lots of totes famous people go there. Obvi this is a high priority for any restaurant Laurina/Bane goes to so she tells us this is acceptable. 

They rock up to a pie van. HashtagCleanEating.

Now, I don’t know about you, but I have never heard of this place, but I could guarantee that if I was walking home shit-faced with my bra hanging out I would be happy to bloody move in. But as far as I can see, Vader and Bane are relatively sober.

And Laurina/Bane IS. HATING. IT.

It’s kind of like watching someone getting set up on You’re on Candid Camera. It’s awkward, but you cannot look away. At this point, I’m betting Vader wishes he took Jess/Elsa here instead, because we know she just loves ALL the things.

Laurina/Bane asks if they have soy milk and the chick on night pie duty looks like she might choke.

A devastated Laurina manages to settle for regular milk in her cappuccino and makes it all the way to the benches before she loses her shit.  

Apparently she is much more clue-y than first thought, because she seems to have picked up on the fact that she is being deliberately baited by the producers. Well, maybe not THAT clue-y since she thinks it’s Vader who is actually to blame. Babe, how many times do I gotta tell you? HE DOESN’T KNOW ANYTHING! The dude barely knows how to tie his shoelaces. Obviously he is v v shocked that she doesn’t fancy dirty street pie and quickly tries to remedy this by dragging her to a park bench surrounded by many many candles. HashtagFireHazard.

Luckily someone on the executive board has pulled out the big guns and had Laurina’s own pet dog, Bambi, flown in to set. The arrival of said dog basically erases all memories of the dirty street pie and Vader looks bloody relieved.

Bambi, meanwhile, is bloody terrified when Laurina happily brings him back to the mansion to meet all the other bitches. HashtagSaveBambi.

Cocktail Party!

It’s Hachael/Holly 2.0’s birthday tonight. Is she 50? Is she 20? It’s SO hard to say. Whatever, as usual she looks suitably indifferent.

On the other hand, Canadian Horse Whisperer’s Resting Bitch Face is reaching critical level as Richard Mercer proceeds to ask pretty much every other girl to accompany him outside in the moonlight. In protest, CHW stalks off into another room WITH her handbag, guys, which we all know is International Hag code for “You Are The Worst Gay Husband Ever.”

Like the good lapdog he is, Vader finds her and her handbag in no time and FINALLY takes her for a romantic chat out in the garden IKEA built.

But what what what what what what is going on I THINK HE’S LETTING HER GO AND I DID NOT EVEN SEE THAT COMING I THOUGHT SHE WAS GOING TO COOK HIM WAFFLES AND I AM NOT OK WITH THIS!!?? Something something about not having a spark and before anyone can say Maple Syrup, she’s gone.

Amber was pretty much Heather Locklear from Melrose Place; without her, everything sucks. Thank God I got that bottle of wine to cope with my pain.

To get his paycheck this week, Osher comes back for two minutes to tell the bitches that, “something has happened that will affect ALL of you! Blake’s lover, Antonio, is here and he is PISSED! Amber and Blake have had a serious conversation about their relationship, and decided that he doesn’t like her that much so he sent her packing. There will be no rose ceremony this week.”

The remaining bitches are so very very bad at pretending to be upset that it’s almost offensive. Canadian Horse Whisperer deserved more than that, guys.

“I think it’s best for her,” says Zoe as she tries and fails to fight off a bitchy smirk.

 

Ding dong the Canadian is dead and all the crazy munchkins are rejoicing in Bachelorland and I no longer have a reason to live.

 

Pass the pie.

 

heather

I miss you already, Heather

 

 

 

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: A Bitch’s Place is in the Kitchen

29 Aug

Wow. Like Susan Sarandon’s boobs, feminism and gender equality were just flying all over the place tonight, amiright?

Also…WHERE IS BLAKE VADER AND HIS BOARDSHORTS? This is the second episode in a row that has not begun with a customary pec shot. Guys, I’m concerned for someone’s safety. Maybe he stabbed himself with his fancy cufflinks and the scarring is too horrific for national television.

But no matter, because he’s obviously in a fit enough state to take one of the crazy ladies on a date. And that date goes to Curly Haired Girl #2 – Zoe. As in the curly-haired one who DIDN’T get sent home in the Curly-Haired Death Match. Zoe is so super dooper excited that she gets airborne off the couch. The other bitches aren’t as enthusiastic, but they give it a red hot go. Honestly, just watching Canadian Horse Whisperer’s face every time she doesn’t get a single date is making my life.

Zoe steps out in her fav party dress and teeters down the jetty toward a waiting boat.

“Hellooouuuuu!” she coos at the poor old guy driving the thing. Let’s call him Higgins. Higgins chucks it into fourth gear (or whatever gear is needed to drive a boat) and speeds Curly Haired Girl Zoe across to some private island in Sydney Harbour where, as a welcoming gesture, Blake is doing The. Worst. Dancing. Ever. That. I. Just. Can’t. Even.

Run, Curly Haired Girl. Run for your life.

However, not put off by Richard Mercer’s inability to dance to anything that isn’t accompanied by a stripper pole, Zoe happily bounces down the walkway, ready to get lei-d.

With flowers, guys. Obviously Vader has gone to all the trouble of inviting these native Vanuatu dancers and flying them over first class in his sea plane himself. Not, but seriously, I’m pretty sure I saw one of the dudes from Home & Away in there. He was loving life.

Best line of the episode goes to Curly Haired Girl when she tells us that, “…my university boyfriend broke my heart, which was, you know, really heartbreaking.” No shit.

To comfort her, Blake takes Curly Haired Girl down to a kitsch tiki hut for a cocktail while the litter from Sydney Harbor gently washes up on the shore. Because Vanuatu. After explaining that he wanted to give CHG the chance to ask him “anything” she immediately responds with, “Are you a homo?” “Why did you keep me?”

I don’t remember his reasoning, but it was something to do with walls and feelings. Snore.

GROUP DATE!

Because Vader is not content with just measuring the bitches child-rearing abilities, he needs to make sure that their 60’s housewife skills are also up to scratch with a bake-off. This complete slap in the face to feminism is lost on the bitches though, because they all react with a disgusting level of excitement and general merriment.

susan

Susan is judging you

This apparent joy spills over into their arrival at the Kitchen of Female Slavery as they all excitedly walk arm in arm with each other. “Omigod we love each other! Cooking is good. We are all BEST friends who love to cook together!”

Bitch, please.

Richard Mercer is waiting for them there and tells them that he loves to have a good time in the kitchen, so it is v v important to him that he gets the chance to sit here and watch them all bake him something. Meanwhile, Osher looks terrified; he hasn’t been around refined carbohydrates in months. He’s not okay.

Mary is worried because she has never baked a cake. Like ever. Being a Drama student obviously means she leads a v demanding lifestyle which leaves her no time to cook. Like ever. Vader is shocked.

Louise, on the other hand, is all about the baking skills and pretty much bakes everybody else’s cakes which proves she is the best Stepford Wife. Meanwhile, poor Cara is attempting a choc orange Jaffa number which sounds promising, but she is promptly interrupted by a hungry Richard Mercer who has decided now is a good time for a chat. Unfortunately, Cara is a little pre-occupied with trying to create her culinary masterpiece, and their conversation is somewhat stunted. Cara tries to get Blake to help her out but he is actually super shit and judgemental and is too busy investigating their connection to be of any use. Obviously this is Cara’s fault, how VERY dare she.

Cara cops it again when Canadian Horse Whisperer tells her she’s going to turn off someone’s oven and Cara discovers that oven is her oven. But when she asks CHW if she turned off her oven, CHW is insulted that she would think she would turn off someone’s oven because she doesn’t like drama and turning off ovens. They are fighting.

They all sit down with their baked goods and Vader expertly proclaims that Lisa’s love heart cake was made with love.

Well, dude, if her cake was made with love, Mary’s cake was made with crazy.

It is actually the best/worst cake fail ever.

cake fail

#yolo

Louise’s, on the other hand, looks bloody delicious, and lesbihonest, I would eat the shit out of that. As a prize, Louise will probably get to touch foreheads with Blake for a whole five minutes. She doesn’t care that she won, though, just that Vader liked her cooking. Because values.

At the Rose Ceremony, Curly Haired Girl gets really emoshi all of a sudden because Vader is such a considerate lover to her and his eleven other beards. I mean, gosh, she’s just so happy to have found him. Camera cross fade down to her dress and it becomes clear that her emotional outburst was probably more to do with the fact that her own breasts were strangling her because they are OUT.

She graciously exits to clean herself up, when she is intercepted by the man himself. He seems happy to see her and her chest. “We haven’t really touched boobs.. I MEAN BASE since our date the other day,” he croons. Curly Haired Girl nods and holds it together and manages not to suffocate.

During the rose ceremony, the producers are doing A LOT of focusing on Laurina and Canadian Horse Whisperer, which usually means one of them is about to be condemned to die alone with 50 cats. OH MY GAWWWWD YOU CANNOT VOTE THEM OFF BECAUSE I NEED THEM!

Phew! The assistant director passes Vader the name of the girl going home tonight, and it’s Cara.

Oh Cara. Cara you poor pet. You are getting the boot because you couldn’t bake a cake and establish a deep connection and riveting conversation with a gay man at the same time. The producer tell Blake to escort her outside and explain why she’s being fired. But it’s too late. She knows it’s because she failed at being a woman because she couldn’t bake and talk at the same time.

Although her parting speech in the limo is oddly rational, so it’s probably for the best.

Join me next week when Laurina is forced to eat street pie out of a garbage bin.*

 

*that last bit might have been made up. But pie IS involved.

 

 

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: Double Banger

15 Aug

So I’m back from the tropics and straight into the crazy bitches. Yes, I did miss last Thursday’s episode, but I was v occupied turning thirty and getting a white girl tan (bee tee dubs, Melbourne, you suck. I’m moving.)

Aaanyway, despite hideous jet lag, or maybe a few too many G&T’s on the plane, I am coming to you live with a double feature on this week’s Bachelor happenings that will encompass both Wednesday and Thursday nights’ episodes.  Hold on tight,because that’s a lot of bitchy staring.

PART 1 – BITCHES, START YOUR ENGINES

Even in a foreign country I got the news that Goal Attack had voluntarily LEFT! For a “netball opportunity”.  You guys, let’s all clap for Holly and her team for making it to the semi-finals against the Toowoomba Waratahs. Because I’m all about celebrating success.

So tonight, Osher comes straight from his Bikram yoga class to the mansion and talks to the girls about dates. Because this is a show about dating and one of them is about to go on a date. But we quickly get some commentary from Amber about how the dates are NEVER for her and how she’s really desperate waiting around for a guy to ask her out.  Yah.  That’s pretty much the premise of this show.  Lisa also says something not that important, but it is at this point that I really notice that deep voice of hers.  Maybe she and Blake are related? Now THAT be a twist I could get on board with.

Amber’s desperation misses out and the date goes to Sam. Amber throws one of her tanties. Sam pretends to feel bad. But then she finds Blake Vader posing in front of an old car that he pretends to know stuff about. She looks happy again. They talk about cars.  I’m sensing this car theme again, guys.

They drive for a bit but then stop at a set of lights where he tells her to, “remember this moment.” Of sitting in peak-hour traffic.  Magic.

Blah blah they go to a drive-in movie.  But before they can partake in the beauty of cinema they pay a visit to Tasty Shakes* and her diner for some old-school burgers and fries.  Tasty Shakes does a really awkward pirouette thing on her skates and brings them a banana split. Vader sincerely tells Sam he will try to, “not get any on your face.”

STOP. IT.

Because romance.

He then takes Sam to the hire car and she settles in, preparing to watch some old-school movie she’ll have to pretend to like.  But no! Oh my god, they’re going to watch The Life of Sam. Obvi I am just waiting for Mike Munro to walk out from behind that screen with his red book and majestically narrate Sam’s life story.  No no. Instead we see lots of lame pictures of Sam at parties and some footage that could be any random young child dancing around a room.  But we do learn that Sam’s constant upward inflection is a trait also shared by her sister/mother person/lady.

Vader tells a teary-eyed Sam that this was his way of thanking her.  For what I’m not at all sure, but I am pretty sure that he was actually enjoying a green smoothie with Osher when the video editors knocked this up.

GROUP DATE!

Amber’s tanty comes through for her and she gets a spot on the group date to….a race track. Cue many amazing puns on finding a co-pilot on the “road to love”. Diana reveals that she is ready to show Blake the roadmap to her open heart.  Gross.

The deal is, the bitches have to be blindfolded and drive through an obstacle course with only Richard Mercer to guide them with his gearstick voice.  Now, I actually hate the assumption that women are bad drivers.  Bloody HATE IT. Considering I am one of the best parallel and reverse parkers you will ever meet, I almost take it personally. But girls…COME ON.  You all suck.

More puns about roads and feelings without anyone getting run over.  Chantal wins the aforementioned blindfolded challenge and gets some alone time with Vader. Speeding around the track in another car. She’s again coming across all rational and articulate, until the producers notice that Blake is having trouble keeping up with her and suddenly she switches to talking about sexy cars. Vader remembers the sexy car he got to drive today and the light returns to his eyes.  Crisis averted, guys.

But then later, Amber shows up to the mansion with a rose?! How did she get it?  WHEN did she get it? Did she drug the props assistant and steal it from his cold, dead hands? Does Blake know about this?

Whatever, she lauds it over all the other bitches like NO ONE’S BUSINESS and they all stare at her and wish they had a flock of rabid horses at their disposal to allergy her to death.

At the Rose Ceremony, Katrina the musician declares that she hasn’t had enough alone time with Barry White apart from small talk and such and so has….*tear*…written him a letter.  She gracefully pulls the document out of the boob area of her dress (because class) and gifts it to an unsuspecting Blake. I’ll be honest here. The episode that I downloaded wigged out on me at this point and went all fuzzy and bejiggity. These are technical terms.  But I’m pretty sure I can assume what happened:

Katrina: I wrote you a letter. It’s in my boob.

Vader: A letter? With your hands?

Katrina: It’s about feelings. My feelings. I thought you’d want to know about my feelings.

Vader: I like feelings. And cars.

Katrina: Here is the letter. I was drunk when I wrote it.

Vader: Thank you. My hair stylist will enjoy reading this.

 

Yes? Yes. There is also a drawing involved in this boob letter but I just don’t have enough time or energy to get into that. It’s basically hideous though.

Luckily, Vader isn’t too perturbed by strange, voodoo portraits of himself, and Katrina sticks around. Some poor girl called Lauren gets the heel in the arse and has her flame extinguished. She mustn’t like cars. I wonder if there’ll be cars next episode? Stay tuned…

 

*Tasty Shakes = may not be her actual name

mike-monroe

You had one job, Mike.

 

 

PART TWO – THE CHINESE GARDEN OF BITCHINESS

*SPOILER ALERT*

I’m not very happy about the ending of this episode, but i’mma try to get through this part as best I can without throwing an Amber bitch fit.

We open with a sunrise over rocks.  And water.  Seems legit. The ladies are sitting around the drawing room in their playsuits pretending to like each other. Also legit.  Any minute Osher should come gliding through the door with a date card to talk to them about dating.  But it doesn’t happen. He. Doesn’t. Show. Up.

Did he do too many downward dogs and pass out? Maybe he choked on his chia pudding? The questions fly through my head before I’m distracted by Chantal’s announcement that tonight will be a double date with only one bitch declared the survivor. They are told they have one hour to make themselves look hotter than the other one.  But who will it be?

Turns out Barry White must have had nightmares over Katrina’s boob letter/drawing thing because she’s selected.  Along with Zoe.  The other curly-haired girl. Someone makes the very astute observation that they are two different people. Yeah, but guys, they both have curly hair!  Obviously, there can only be one curly-haired girl.  (I legit said that out loud about a second before Laurina said the exact same thing. And then I vommed a little in my soul; are we becoming the same person?! HELP!)

So Kat is a musician kinda like Holly was a netballer. And Zoe is a pharmacist in Vanuatu. So she wears a lot of maxi dresses. Yep.  They are saaaaah different.

They arrive at the Chinese Garden of Friendship/Drama and Vader looks honestly relieved that he’ll only have one curly-haired girl’s name to remember after today.

They both change into matching (and also slighty racist) Chinese gowns and sit down to dinner.  Now, hear me out, but here in my house we are starting to think that Vader may be a little bit of a secret homo. Because just like any good gay husband, his Craydar was switched to maximum power, picking up on the underlying der-rama between the two curly-haired girls. Neither was overly willing to get the claws out in front of him, so instead they just had an awkward chat about not really knowing each other, while secretly whispering death curses under their breath.  Honestly? Barry White looked disappointed. I know I was.

But no matter, because the chefs were right behind them bringing in a selection of weird and wonderful dishes that they were all going to try.  And by weird and wonderful, I mean just weird. Like sea cucumber and duck tongue. Which led to the call of the night (and possibly the season) when young Katrina declared, “I just tongued a duck.” I feel like we could be friends.

Evidently Katrina made the duck call because she is clearly being out-shone by Zoe in the curly-haired girl stakes. So she recites pretty much the same speech her counsellor has been giving her about being deep for the last few years. I just can’t even. If there’s nothing a guy likes more, it’s a random regurgitated psychoanalysis. Because feelings.

In an effort to get home to the non-curly-haired women, Richard Mercer quickly pulls each girl aside for a moment to chat. Zoe is v v rational and normal (and boring) but then tells us that she’s 99.9% sure the conversation went really badly.  Obvi because being rational and logical is punishable by death on this show.

But not to Richard Mercer, because he keeps her around and sends the other curly-haired girl home. At this point, I’m looking for a white rose again, but it’s no where to be seen.  Looks like that gimmick sank quicker than Kirsty Alley’s Jenny Craig contract. What he does give her, however, is a bloody diamond bracelet! Wait, make that a 64-DIAMOND BRACELET. Because Vader likes to do math, he needs to point out how many diamonds are in this bracelet that he didn’t buy for her. Maybe he got it from the same dealer he gets all his sexy cars from?

Back at the mansion, the bitches get mail. “What do you reckon it is?” asks one of them.  I’mma go out on a limb here girls and say it’s someone’s acceptance latter to Yale.  No wait, I was wrong, it’s a date card. SURPRISE!

Hide your crucifixes and your incense, ladies, because Anita is staying home this week! Luckily she still has that cocker spaniel hidden somewhere in the mansion to play with.

Ooh ooh, it’s a Psycho Beach Party! Well, not really, but a Psycho, Sexy Pool Party, proudly sponsored by Ikea Living. There are even fake flamingos.

Guys, it’s a pretty non-event where the bitches get naked and cheer on Vader to take his shirt off like any good stripper. Princess Diana gets a moment to chat with Vader and they awkwardly hold hands while she says travelling a lot. Because travel. All this travel talk makes Blake feel sad that he isn’t as travel as Diana, so he goes and talks to Louise. Who, just bee tee dubs, is wearing the most inappropriate earrings for a pool party! I’m sorry, I don’t care what medication you are on, but dangly, ornate earrings are not suitable poolside attire. And don’t even get me started on the make up and hair. For some reason, Louise thought they were shooting a Harpers Bazaar feature in the Maldives. Sweetie, this is a backyard in Sydney. Get your effing hair wet.

Speaking of hair, we’re back at the Rose Ceremony, and someone has obviously picked up on my disapproval of Kara’s hair, because this week she’s had the once over with the ghd and some smoothing serum.

Anita is back in action and steals Barry White away for a moment to have an “in-death” talk. Guys, that was not a typo. Not in-depth; she said “in -death”. Someone hold me.

Her idea is to ask him lots of questions and get to know more about him, but what happens instead is she giggles manically and spills her life plan of living in his attic and having ten million of his babies. Blake is understandably terrified, but remembers that as long as he keeps Anita in the game, Mr Important Executive will keep hiring fancy cars for him to drive. Moral Quandary!

OSHER! He finally shows up after his spray tan has dried and gives them all another maths lesson.  Apparently TWO bitches are going home tonight! Wait, what?! But…but….that curly-haired already left earlier in the episode.

Look, Channel 10, we had this problem last year. You can’t do this to me! They are dropping like flies! NO. Just NO. I will not accept this from you.

But as if to rub salt in the wound, both Diana AND Anita are sent home from Whore Island. I am not OK with this. Look, I was under no silly impression that Richard Mercer kept them in the game because he ACTUALLY liked them, but for realz? Both at the same time?! I’m crying into my Maltesers when…

POST-EPISODE DER-RAMA

 

NEW GIRLS ARE COMING!!!

Just like in Big Brother, we are getting Intruders next week. The current bitches are pissed. I am overjoyed. Omigod, remember Miriam the intruder from BB? I wonder if any of these girls have a penis too….

 

grumpy cat

No, Channel 10. One bitch at a time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: A Tall Drink of Hot Chocolate

31 Jul

Welcome back friends!

First of all, thank you so very much for all the feedback I’ve received about my Season 1 ramblings on everybody’s fav reality show.  Second of all… SQUEEEEEE! Like Britney before him, Bachelor 2014 is back, bitch!

But the WORST thing possible happened!  The night of the much-anticipated premiere, I found myself quite indisposed at my place of work for our school production.  Hence why this post is somewhat late on the uptake.  But I do promise to stay on top of the Bachelor from now on, ifyouknowhaddimean? (In fact, I’m sitting here at work with my headphones on, eating Lite’n’Easy and snorting in delight.)

So who has taken the Bachelor crown from last year’s shirtless “chiropractor” Tim?*

Ladies and gay men, please meet Blake Garvey. He’s 31, a real estate auctioneer (I didn’t know that was a full-time job) and from Perth.  Which is near the beach.  Hence Channel 10 have legit reasons to get him shirtless and looking pensive on a cliff.  Yes.

But then this is juxtaposed with shots of him putting on a v fancy white shirt that’s so tight we can practically see his nips.  Not such a terrible thing, so I’ll let that one slide.  He tells us that he’s working towards opening his own real estate agency.  Bless him.  Homes for Hotties or Ripped Real Estate I can see happening.  But as we all know, this is just a clever ruse for the fact that, like his greasy predecessor, Blake “dabbled” in stripping.  Of course he did.

I have already taken to nicknaming him Blake Vader. Because that be an impressive Batman voice he’s got there to go with his chocolate, shaved head goodness.  And, lesbihonest, I would climb that like a tree.

Quick trip down memory lane to inform us of Blake’s tough childhood.  In a nutshell, he was raised by a mum with dimples you could serve dip out of and a grandmother with more sass than Shirley McLaine with PMS.  Needless to say, I love them both.

Anyway, boring.  BRING ON THE BITCHES!

First of all, Blake needs to have an awkward chat with Osher about his dream girl.  Beautiful eyes, beautiful smile, blah blah.  We know.  Meanwhile, Osher looks like he’s done a few months on the Paleo diet – looking all jawline and hungry eyes.  Welcome back, Osh.  Hope the catering on set is substantial.

This year’s premiere cocktail soiree should have been called ‘The Sparkle, Sparkle, Singing Party!’  Because true to form, the costume designers have raided Brynne Edelsten’s wardrobe and decked out our lovely bachelorettes in enough sequins to blind a bitch.  Countless slappers make their way out of the limo and teeter down the pathway towards their ticket to D-list fame potential dream guy. In the interest of saving time (because Osher’s insightful mathematics have reminded me that there are 24 ladies to get through), here are my favs:

Holly.  First girl off the starting line.  She’s an “athlete”.  Sooooo…she plays netball for her local team.  I’m gonna guess she’s a Goal Attack.

Anita.  My favorite so far and clearly a relative of Ali from last year.  Poor Anita admits she’s a dog groomer and, therefore, “doesn’t see humans.” She also mustn’t speak with them often, because the girl is more tongue-tied than Shia LeBeouf.  “I’m a killer for a smile,” she gushes, as her limo pulls up with two other crazy (and now terrified) bitches.  Once she arrives at the bottom of Mt Blake, she proclaims he must have a, “…small mouth” and then does something that makes me so happy I could cry.  She sings. Yep, she sings an awkward little ditty about ‘finding you’ and love and stuff while never breaking eye contact with the poor guy.  Somewhere there is a Channel 10 executive just loving himself sick for finding her.

Diana.  Like the princess.  Everything about this girl is offensive.  I could almost forgive the creepy collection of stuffed toys and Disney paraphernalia; everyone needs friends, after all.  But the fact that she shows up with a tiara on her head and gives Darth a plastic crown worthy of a Hungry Jack’s party just makes me want to smite her.  Touche, Channel 10.

Sam/Samantha.  Now there are actually TWO of them – Sam and Samantha.  Sam is the one who admits she wears fake tan and has the winning bitch face so far.  Samantha is the one who had a few too many champs in the limo and gave Barry White a Tinman beanie bear because Tinman was also “looking for love”.  No, he was a f***ing man made of tin who rusted over in a deserted forrest and DIDN’T HAVE A HEART.  But A for Effort.

And then Kat makes an appearance with a guitar!  MORE SINGING!  And then I can’t even deal because she’s singing and Darth is dancing awkwardly and it’s just a hot mess.  Whoever taught him how to work a stripper’s pole needs to be stood down, just sayin.

Laurina.  First of all, not a name.  But Instagram went OFF CHOPS about her supposed style. I guess she was the only one not in a sequined or backless number. But she sounds like she’s fresh off the train from Narre Warren. Laurina is a “fashion entrepreneur” i.e. she works in retail.  Good God I want to meet the writers who come up with these job descriptions.  They deserve their own Logies.

Okay, we get inside and Osher reveals the secret behind THE WHITE ROSE.  Lots of bitches look shocked.  So does Darth.  Which is surprising.  Unfortunately, the WHITE ROSE is not the sex rose as I had hoped it would be, but a stupid and unnecessary gimmick that guarantees the lady of choice not one, but TWO weeks in the Mansion that no one on this show can actually afford.  I mean, I would feel totally honored to know a guy definitely wanted to see me for another fortnight.  How LUCKY.  Snore.  Garvey Goal Attack Holly gets it.  Whatevs.

Next is 30 odd minutes of champagne, passive aggressive bitchy remarks and women hiding in bushes.

Blake Vader dishes out the roses and three girls who barely got a mention miss out.  And then so does Samantha.  I guess that beanie bear was lost on him.  I wonder if he’ll give it to Diana for her voodoo collection?

More importantly, Anita and Diana both make it through, thank God.  I really want to see them make friends and play Barbie’s together.  Or maybe Anita will unleash the cocker spaniel she smuggled in and kill them all.  Whichever.

 

Are you as excited as I am for this new season? Well, strap yourself in because we are go for Operation Crazy Bitches II.

 

 

*If any of you are still not sold on the fact that last year’s Bach was actually a party stripper in disguise, then this…..

tim

 

You’re welcome.

 

 

 

 

 

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