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The Bachelor Season 5 Recap: Game of Thorns

3 Aug

Daa daa danana-na da da dada da da dada something something Peter Dinklage…

(That’s meant to be the Game of Thrones theme song btw.)

This week, Matchie takes us on a trip back to Westeros where all transportation is via water and the lead-up to the first kiss was more dramatic than the GOT Season 7 premiere.

However, before winter can come ifyouknowwhaddamean, Matchie has to take one of the girls on a single date.

Luckily Akoulina gets her hands on the date card first because I really love it whenever she says anything. Her talking face is the kind of intense you’d come to expect from one of those fortune tellers who works in a crystal store and wears a lot of bangles.

She announces that whoever the lucky lady is, she only has 15 minutes to get ready, how very dare they, but fortunately the date goes to Laura the Jewelry Designer who is already super natural and stylish because she wears a lots of rings on her fingers. Akoulina tries to give her a high five but is left hanging because Laura is already busily thinking about which pendant she should wear.

And what a funking surprise, they’re going on a boat/doing something in water. Wait, wasn’t last week’s date on a boat too? Has Channel 10 called in the big guns from Boating Camping and Fishing and sealed a sponsorship deal or something? (Can you even buy boats from there? I literally have no idea.)

To give them their dues, if we’re on board (geddit) with the Game of Thrones thing, I guess everyone in Westeros has to travel by boat or shadow demon, and since shadow demons are a bit hard to find, at least they’re trying to team with the theme.

Basically guys, if you haven’t already picked up on it, Laura could be Georgia Love’s long-lost twin….okay long-lost cousin AT LEAST. Which is why now it is abundantly clear to me why Matchie seems to be totally gaga for her and why he gifted her with the first pash of the season. Oh yeah *Spoiler Alert!*

But before they get to that, they talk about boats way too much; specifically how big this particular boat seems to be.

“The boat was like, really big.” – Laura, 2017.

This is also a boat. 

A few pinots and some poop deck action later, Laura gets a case of the word vomits and reveals she has travelled to India so naturally I have now christened her Eat Pray (Georgia) Love.

Now, because Eat Pray (Georgia) Love did an Arts degree and is a designer and is v v creative, Matchie finally ushers her ashore so that she can sketch him because it is way cheaper than paying someone at Star Shotz.

Oh no, wait, Matchie is also going to sketch her so I spose that’s fair. I mean, as he explains it, he did enter the drawing competition at the Brookfield Show a lot as a kid and OMG I USED TO GO TO THE BROOKFIELD SHOW EVEN THOUGH IT WAS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF TOWN TO MY HOUSE WHY DIDN’T WE MEET THERE WHY DIDN’T I DO THE DRAWING COMPETITION LIFE COULD HAVE BEEN SO DIFFERENT!!

Matchie’s drawing of Laura 

JOKES!

Actually it looks like the kind of self-portrait you might find in the archives of a rundown asylum.

They head on over to Random Sexy Cheese Couch #1 for the evening and do a whole lot of not much but staring at each other and wanting to kiss but not kissing. Until finally Matty says it’s hard to pinpoint why he likes Laura, but she does look exactly the same as the woman who put his heart in a Nutri Bullet. And then they kiss.

A lot.

So much so that it starts to make me feel things in my lower regions, but I can’t decide if that’s because of the kissing or because I might have eaten some bad sushi earlier.

Matchie gives Eat Pray (Georgia) Love a rose and a ticket for one more week in his girlfriend palace. Honestly, if that’s just their first kiss, I dunno how she’s going to survive the rest of the season. When a guy touches your face that much it does things to your brain.

It’s like we’ve known each other since last year’s Bachelorette…

Meanwhile, back at the Drama Kabana (oh god I love this name so hard and I didn’t even have to come up with it) Simone is very busy doing a lot of cat’s bum face and talking about how much she hates Leah. How convenient, then, that they are both invited on the…

GROUP DATE!

This is the bit where they get to go to a medieval fair, because nothing spells romance like a time in history when women were sold by their fathers to wrinkly old men for little more than a 50 cent piece.

No actually, they’re here as a tribute, and I use the term loosely, to that time Matchie lived in London and, “…emersed myself in the history and culture,” aka he drank a crap tonne of cider and lived in an apartment with 18 other people and has absolutely nothing to do with the fact they still had the props left over from The Bachelorette last year. KULCHA!

All the girls rock up in denim shorts and crop tops amidst the badass medieval role-players who are salty AF. Which I guess you would be if you had to put yourself in danger for the sake of this show.

Do not f*** with me, mates.

The afternoon basically comprises of a couple of undignified games the women have to play in oversized Elizabethan gowns so that they may secure a spot at Matchie’s banquet table later on. Oh, and btw, there’s going to be a sudden Rose Ceremony right after this date, so yeah, y’all be playing the game of thrones now.

Simone/Arya Stark cannot go a minute without plotting the death of Leah/Cersei. Lucky for her, they both get to do this thing where they have to chase innocent piglets and try and put them in baskets. Unlucky for her, though, she’s shit at it and Cersei wins.

 

Better luck next time, bebe.

Then Matty asks four other girls to jump in his sacks and throw rings around a phallic structure. Belinda, the Love Coach, seems unnaturally happy about this and all of a sudden I’m very worried for the future of her business.

The final challenge is a Trial by Combat, I mean, soccer game. In dresses. I don’t remember much about it except one of them copped a ball to da boob.

Eventually, six girls are crowned the winners and are taken to Random Sexy Cheese Banquet Table #2 for dinner.

Over aforementioned dinner, Matchie asks the girls about what it’s like to live in The House That Spotlight Built which is a weird thing to ask when he LITERALLY JUST MOVED OUT OF THAT HOUSE 9 MONTHS AGO!

Anyway, he takes Alix outside for a chat about… body painting I guess? But then Cersei bullies Elise/Sansa into going out and interrupting them via pretending to top up their wine glasses, then, not three minutes later, interrupts HER right before she gets to tell Matchie the second most important thing about her.

Poor Sansa.

Cersei then explains via evil monologue, that she is willing to, “play a different game…I’m happy to play the sad, crying one if I need to.” And then she launches into a strange, tear-soaked speech about how her mum’s a nurse…and…that’s about the extent of it. It is heart-wrenching stuff.

Look, hate on her all you want, but we all know the show would be nothing without Cersei to get drunk and f*** shit up all the time, you feel me?

ROSE CEREMONY

Because it’s a super dramatic, impromptu ceremony immediately after the group date, the poor ladies are still wearing their ridiculous peasant gowns.

Simone/Arya keeps reciting her kill list in her head which only consists of Leah/Cersei at this point and does no actual good because of course Cersei survives.

But then OUT OF NOWHERE Matchie dumps Akoulina aka Fortune Teller aka Fleur Delacour for no obvious reason apart from the fact that she can’t catch a pig.

Look, I’m sure she was sweet, but it’s probably for the best she’s out now before she had a chance to wrap Matchie up in her love ribbons.

 

When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die.

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The Bachelor Season 5: A Matt(ch) made in heaven

28 Jul

I really do not know how I’m going to get through this season.

It dawned on me that the drive and burning passion I have had behind me in all previous seasons was largely due to the fact that I secretly/not-so-secretly hated the actual Bachelor. I certainly made an idiot of myself last year when I was all Go Richie! You and your ropes don’t need Sam Frost, you’re adorable I hope you find much love and bananas! But then was rudely made the fool of when it turned out Richie was the dude equivalent of a pack of Sun Rice Long Grain.

So obviously I am extremely nervous about this whole Matty J sitch. I really like him. And I’ve christened him Matchie already and I’m really proud of that. Plus I am highly vain and desperate to please everybody, so the fact that a handful of people asked if I would keep doing these recaps was enough to spur me into action because being accepted by every single person I ever meet is important to me. IT’S A NEVER-ENDING ROLLER COASTER OF EMOTION!

Am I getting on your nerves yet? Buckle in, y’all.

On with the der-rama!

So of course the powers that be at Channel 10 HAD to show us that awful replay of Georgia ripping out Matchie’s heart and stomping a big, fat “LEE 4EVA” in the remains with her Love boots. Again. Honestly, I cannot bear to watch that another damn time.

But I guess that was an important reminder because, cut to the J Household (no srzly, what is his last name? Jones? J-Man? Johannesburg?) and Matchie’s entire family are basically running the We Hate Georgia Love Club. So I guess it was relevant.

Lots of shots of their white and blue-themed boat house mansion and Matty’s biceps playing in the pool with his definitely-not-for-sympathy-or-fertility-mongering nephew George.

Let’s go tingle some ovaries, Uncle Matt!

Blah blah, Matty is still super hot and super sweet and doesn’t wear shirts often which I am fine with and is looking for true love on a reality show but now I’ve lost trust in this program and am basically waiting for him to turn into a big fat dud.

I’ll show you my Cool Bananas? 

LET’S BEGIN!

Before we know it, Matchie is all dressed up in his suit and arrives at the Mansion That Spotlight Built, wondering if the “MJ luvs GL” he scratched into the walls is still there.

What is definitely still there, and as reliable as ever, is Osher. Obviously it’s premiere night and Osh can’t break out the organic hemp shirt just yet which is a shame, but he looks v v dapper in his black tie.

However, that doesn’t stop Matchie from telling Osher that he doesn’t actually believe in love at first sight, which is suuuuuper inconvenient for this show. Osher just nods and says, “interesting” or something and does a really good job of masking all the disappointed yelling coming through his earpiece.

Alix is the first one to step out of the limo of dreams. No, that’s not a typo; it is Alix, not Alex. Am I the only one bothered by dumb spelling of names? Probably. But it makes it sound like a cough syrup, yo.

Anyway, Alix explains she is a professional body painter, and yes she felt the need to say professional and yes, apparently that can be a real full time job. She even body painted her own wrist, so basically she is Peeta from The Hunger Games. I would ask if she bakes bread too, but she doesn’t look like she’s eaten a carb for a solid decade, so…

I really hope it comes to this 

Next up is Tara who they do a whole back story piece on so obviously she will be staying for at least a couple of weeks. Tara is a nanny and I’ve already decided she’ll be the Cool Girl of the season because she says “stoked” a lot and has the balls to call Matchie “mate”. Obviously she can’t win now, but I dig her enough.

Some chick called Laura shows up and talks about the rumors being true, but Matty doesn’t know what rumors she’s referring to so he just laughs. But she also mentioned bringing a Cobb loaf so I got distracted because aforementioned Cobb loaf does not appear.

Next is Cobie who we know will be super zany because she’s brought helium balloons with her to suck at. I would usually insert some sort of judgmental/suggestive joke here about sucking things, but sucking on helium balloons and singing war cries at the school swimming carnival was basically how I hooked my first boyfriend in 1996. I feel so connected to this woman.

Next is a short parade of white chicks in white dresses who all look the same.

But then to prove to us that they do cater to ethnic diversity, the producers throw us Laura Anne, who is, so far, the least white girl we’ve seen. Her ovaries are also tingling which suggests some sort of ethnic voodoo witchery, obviously.

Speaking of ovaries, there appears Natalie, who spends her days buried to the elbows in vaginas and placentas and who I’ve decided is this season’s Luna Lovegood. Obviously I am all about her immediately because she admits to being a crazy Instagram stalker and uses swear words – HOW CAN ONE WOMAN BE SO CRAZY AMIRIGHT?! Well, it gets better because she ends up getting a terrible case of Moist Tourettes where she just keeps saying “moist” a lot and Matchie isn’t sure whether he is being Punk’d by one of the interns. I really hope she wins.

 

Love you, bae.

More women arrive in cut out dresses and boob tape and Matty continues to comment on how stunning they are.

Lisa is another tall blonde in red who will most likely win because her arrival music was The Bachelor equivalent of when Belle appears at the top of the staircase in Beauty and the Beast. 

Belinda is a professional “Love Coach” who has decided it wise to enter into a national husband competition to find true love, so I’m not 100% sold on her credentials at this point. She’s brought an egg timer with her that she switches on, demanding Matty stare into her eyes, while the timer literally counts down the seconds until her fertility runs out. It’s riveting.

An amazing woman called Akoulina “presents herself as a present” and asks if Matty accepts her because feminism has really come leaps and bounds in Russia. And continuing on with my Harry Potter comparisons, her arrival is basically on par with when Fleur Delacour fronted up at Hogwarts doing her ridiculous gymnastics routine. She also claims she is going to “wrap Matty up in my love and in my ribbons,” which means sex. Or STI’s. I’m not sure yet.

Finally, Leah is obviously the big, nasty villain this season, because as soon as her Lipstik heel hits the pavement, the sweet, whimsical music switches to the opening credits of The Walking Dead. She dares to mess Matchie’s hair up which does not impress him one iota so she is clearly evil. She tries to recover by throwing a heap of sexual innuendo at Matty, hoping to get innhisendo. Also she is dressed in black. Because villain.

Something something I’m talking about sex. 

That’s all I recall from the driveway round up. Maybe chuck in a couple more awkward white girls with little personality, plus a police officer, a foreigner and some girl who wears a terrible sash she got from Lombards that has been slightly blurred out and now all I can focus on is figuring out what terribly offensive text Channel 10 felt the need to shield us from.

COCKTAIL PARTY!

Straight away everyone hates Leah because she is the villain wearing a black “naked” dress which is actually the same dress that Jen is wearing in white, but no one says anything about that because villains wear black and we hate them.

Tara tries to say hello to Villain Leah but Villain Leah doesn’t see her because there are probably a hundred cameras in front of her and she is most likely drunk already. But that doesn’t stop the other bitches bitching about how awful Leah was to Tara and then someone makes a comment about how they’ve met nicer people at Aldi and HOW DARE YOU I SHOP AT ALDI AND I’M LOVELY!

WHAT DID ALDI EVER DO TO YOU?!

Once Matchie arrives though, everyone is suddenly less drunk and less bitchy until Osher reveals to them that there is a new twist to this season, and unfortunately it doesn’t involve the White Sex Rose. Sigh. Maybe I’ll start a Pozible campaign or something for that one.

Anyway, this year, some genius at Channel 10 has created The Secret Garden which SOUNDS like a sex den (squeeee!) but is actually just a cordoned off area in the regular garden with some extra fairy lights. But obviously this is all anyone can think about now.

DER-RAMA! The lights go off and everyone thinks Matchie is already pashing one of the bitches, but then, from the depths of the Secret Garden, a glowing figure emerges. Is it the entertainment? Is it Osher performing some sort of sacrifice ritual? Or has someone just straight up set themselves alight?

None of the above are correct. It’s *gasp* ANOTHER CONTESTANT!

Her name is Ellora and yeah…she twirls fire sticks and now Matty definitely wants to bone her.

Do they sell these sexy fire sticks at Bunnings?

But before the bitches can shove Ellora’s fire sticks somewhere I can’t mention on here, fresh drama develops when someone calls Jennifer’s dress “putrid”. Which is pretty funny considering Leah is wearing the same dress in black, but I guess she is the villain so we have more important things to hate her for.

Jennifer is, unsurprisingly, beyond devastated, even though one of the wardrobe assistants picked the bloody thing out for her and the comment was made by a drunk woman trying to compete for her potential boyfriend. Grain of salt, babe, grain of salt. This judge of dresses is apparently called Elizabeth or Liz and now Jennifer and her dress can think of nothing else but ejecting her from the room and from the competition.

All of the dresses on this show are terrible.

Oh yeah, and Natalie farts. Everyone is disgusted or extremely shocked which seems a little bizarre considering Natalie is a human with a functioning digestive system.

Is it just me, or does this seasons’ bevy of bitches seem SAVAGE?

ROSE CEREMONY

Literally nothing exciting happens except the girl with the weird sash doesn’t get a rose.

Obviously Joan Rivers aka Liz gets a rose because Jennifer hates her and Jennifer is super surprised that the super moral and empathetic producers would allow this to happen.

I’m really looking forward to her choices of outfits in the coming days.

Jennifer did not do her research on this show.

 

 

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Sophie Monk is going to kick some Bachelorette ass

26 Apr

Sophie Monk will soon be donning the sequinned gowns and going on a lot of boring picnics as Australia’s Bachelorette of 2017.

 

 

I am so very #Team Sophie now that the news is out. And not just because Popstars was pretty much my most favorite show of the early noughties.

For some reason though, it seems like I might be in the minority.

Honest to Osher, I actually did not see this coming at all. Granted, I haven’t spent too much time on my couch pondering the identity of this year’s Lady Bach – I save that blessed time for eating mee goreng and streaming Real Housewives of Auckland.

Of course I did still harbor some suspicions about Nikki Gogan and her many fascinators taking over the rose-shaped mantle from Bachie Love.

And there’s certainly a little part of me that’s disappointed  Nicky won’t be getting her opportunity to find some lovely fireman/IT consultant/man-with-real-job (i.e. NOT a “ropes technician”) to flaunt in Richie’s boring face.

But I digress.

This decision by Channel 10 is, in my humble opinion, a total winner. I think Soph is going to make a queen of a Bachelorette (and if she doesn’t I will go back to TAFE and study “Rope Technology”). And to all them haters out there, here’s why:

To begin with, she’s 37.

Do you know how many outraged Facebook comments I saw that labelled her “too old”? MORE THAN I CARED FOR, I’LL GIVE YOU THE TIP!

And I call bullshit. (Also how very dare you.)

 

I hope I look like this at 37.

 

The fact is, she’s not some 20-something ingénue or upstart, claiming to own her own fitness company or fashion line, when really we all know she’s just very good at taking photos of herself not looking at the camera and putting them on Instagram. Sophie has had a solid and visible career in the music and media industries and, even more impressively, has managed to make it past 30 and remain culturally relevant – no easy feat for a woman.

And for once a television show is sending the message that women over 30 are actually desirable, loveable and interesting human beings! WHO WOULD EVER HAVE THOUGHT?!

Her age also means she’s had more time to dabble in the dating pool and experience the dizzying highs of love and the subsequently crushing lows of losing it; some of which she has done in full view of the public. (I’m still mad at you, Benji Madden!)

Before all you whipper snappers put on your outrage pants, I’m not saying that 20-somethings don’t know anything about love or relationships; I’m just saying that, mathematically, a woman in her mid-30’s has had a head start.

And yeah, maybe there is an argument to say that her appointment is somewhat unfair to all the everyday, non-famous applicants out there. But when you think about it, wouldn’t her experience in the spotlight mean she’s actually much better equipped to deal with the perverse invasion of her personal life (and the potential for it to go very badly)? And really, don’t Matty J, Sam Frost and Bachie Bananas all technically fall into that “celeb” category as well after each trying (and failing) to win their respective wife/husband competitions the first time around?

Sophie has a clear idea of what she wants and does not want; what she will and will not put up with. Combine this with an understanding of what people find entertaining and a habit of speaking before she thinks and, frankly, you’ve got some bloody good television, y’all. And isn’t that what we all came for?

And, side note, she’s funny AF.

 

 

People who’ve been throwing around accusations of “tacky” or “unclassy” her way clearly have not followed much of her time in the media. She’s a bona fide piss-taker and can deliver a one-liner like no one’s business.

She once said in an interview what basically erry lady has thought to herself at some point in her adult life; that she’s “…probably bad in bed actually. I think I’m dud.” (And if you haven’t ever thought this about yourself at least once, then can you please write to me and give me the name of your sexy confidence medicine, kthanx.)

She’s been accused of being stupid (just watch the Hard Chat video with Tom Gleeson for a start), but instead of getting upset about it, Sophie regularly comes out with some absolute bangers, like this one about her bike-riding nephew:

“He’s like Lance Armstrong … minus the drugs … plus the balls.”

In fact, I actually believe the woman is some kind of low-key genius after she explained she, “…got suspended for writing ‘I love Sophie’ on the desks to make the other boys think I was popular.”

I mean, why didn’t they put THAT advice in the Little Golden Books?!

And finally, not only did she dress up like a giant bird and sing in a giant cage, she has regularly made a right tit of herself on radio and television for viewer amusement. She even managed to make Kyle Sandilands look good during their stint together as co-hosts. Not. Easy. To. Do.

 

#birdchic

 

Look, maybe I’m biased because I have Poison on regular rotation on my Spotify playlist, but I honestly think this is a win for The Bachelorette series. It’s a win for glorious idiots like Sophie. A win for women over 30. And a win for us viewers.

So can we all just get on board and focus on what really matters – that she begins the first rose ceremony like this:

Don’t you treat me bad,

Don’t you make me sad.

Our love could be deep as the ocean.

 

Can we petition for group-Bachelorettes?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Bachelorette Season 2: Get your puppies out

7 Oct

No but seriously, guys. I feel like all you really need to know about this episode is this:

 

cam-puppies

PUPPIES!

There were funking puppies. Fifteen of them. F*ck the helicopters and champagne… all you need for romance is puppies.

And Cam.

But mainly puppies.

(For realz, is there some place you can actually go to just chill with fifteen puppies?)

i-want-to-go-to-there

But then these things also happened, but they weren’t as good as the puppies:

Cam got a single date and his tongue dug itself out of the Friendzone…

georgia-cam-kiss

No, really; it was hot AF.

can-i-get-pregnant

We were all thinking it.

Matty J (who I am slowly starting to fall in love with) also got a single date, a chance to play croquet and a kiss.

Not as hot as Cam’s, but still. Pretty good.

georgia-matty-kiss

Horizontal croquet anyone?

And then this…

shirtless-bachies

I have no idea what is happening but I like it.

Apparently they played some sort of sport. Meanwhile, the olive oil business just boomed again.

Rhys “hurt his shoulder” trying to be manly, then wrote Georgia ANOTHER funking poem.

please-stop-gif

Mate.

But then Cam whipped out his fireman’s pole  guitar and they all SANG HER A FUNKING SONG!

georgias-song

no-pants

True story.

With all the singing and the puppies, everyone (i.e. me) forgot that there was still a Rose Ceremony.

Some poor guy named Ryan was denied a rose. Seemed for the best because no one knew who he was.

ryan

New phone. Who dis?

That’s all I remember.

Someone get me a puppy.

more-shirtless-bachies

Never forget…

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The Bachelorette Season 2: Notes on Court-ing

29 Sep

Normally when I watch an episode, I take down one-sentence notes or thoughts that I later turn into (hopefully) witty/bitchy narrative/complex sentences. BUT I thought for a change this week, I would just post the one-sentence notes/thoughts I had throughout the episode instead of trying too hard to, like, write stuff….

I promise this has nothing to do with me just being straight up lazy.

Here we go..

 

Remember Courtney? He’s the one who gave her a pasta bracelet. It’s still Golden Date Week for Court.

Courtney has the Golden Date Card which sounds nice in theory, but is really just a lot of pressure to not be shit. In other words, Courtney, don’t f*ck it up, kay?

The boys go outside to check Court’s ride. Because they are boys of course they make “If the Combi’s a-rockin, don’t comma knockin” jokes.

Courtney wants to tailor a date that really shows Lady Bach who he is. Sounds pretty selfish to me.

I do not like camping. Court and I would never work. But I do like pasta bracelets. Actually, I just like pasta full stop.

Georgia keeps saying how relieved she is that Courtney, “finally wants to take her on a date.” It’s been two weeks babe and you’re dating 15 other men. Calm down.

They are going to go skurfing which sounds like some sort of hybrid sexual/bodily function thing. Like queefing. Too far? Whatever, I’m not sold.

Courtney tells the rest of the dudes he has expertly hidden his Group Date card somewhere in the house but really it’s just in the cushions of the couch. This is basically How Not to Win Hide and Seek 101. This place is funking huge and you stick it in the couch?!

Two guys called Tommy and Ryan are put on the group date and everyone seems confused as to how they got there.

 

SINGLE DATE

Courtney is obviously good at skurfing and Lady Bach is not. (Side note – skurfing is a mix of surfing and…skating?)

I mean, call me old-fashioned, but isn’t this just water skiing?

 

skurfing

No. Apparently this is skurfing.

After skurfing, they go to a cafe but the catch is they have to dress up as pirates and try and talk about their real feelings without pissing themselves.

Courtney will from now on be known as Pasta Pirate.

Lady Bach reminds Pasta Pirate and the rest of Australia that she is a failure as a woman because she has had the audacity to prioritize her career over her love life.

After she gives him a rose Lady Bach leans right in, ready for the post-rose pash. He gives her funking hug instead. The worst.

Lady Bach is super disappointed they didn’t pash. She despo wants to pash him.

JUST PASH HIM GEORGIA! YOU’RE THE BACHELORETTE! YOU CAN DO WHATEVER THE F*CK YOU WANT!

I’m sorry, but feminism.

 

GROUP DATE

Pasta Pirate has decided to challenge the lads to what he deems Crappy Car Racing. Which is basically exactly what it sounds like.

Of course he has put himself with Lady Bach whose job it is to tighten up the nuts, ifyouknowhaddamean.

Cameron, a.k.a Captain Sunshine, is super into his yellow cart and the whole shebang really. He be like, “EVERYTHING IS AWESOME! OUR TEAM IS AWESOME!”

Usually this kind of behaviour gets on my nerves but it doesn’t bother me at all because I love him.

 

captain-sunshine-2

Guys, Captain Sunshine is a REAL THING!

Jake and Clancy’s car is Super Crappy.

Obviously Pasta Pirate and Lady Bach win the race. Obviously Jake and Clancy lose big time. Their car is Super Crappy.

Courtney gets to decide who has private time with Bachie Love. Doesn’t take the opportunity to make up for the non-pash disaster and instead goes the Mercy Vote and gives it to Tommy. Lady Bach has no idea who he is.

You’re an idiot, Pasta Pirate. Arrrrrgggh! (That’s a pirate joke.)

 

idiot-pirate

Make better choices, Courtney.

Tommy tells Lady Bach he doesn’t have a personality. I mean, a BIG personality. She pretty much agrees with him. You can tell she’s still thinking about Pasta Pirate not pashing her.

This encounter has about as much romantic depth as an oven mitt.

At least he gets a hug too. But this time Lady Bach actually means it, yo.

 

georgia-unsure

Are you with catering?

 

ROSE CEREMONY

Captain Sunshine strangely enough seems a little apprehensive about the whole sharing-a-girlfriend thing. Talks himself out of it with a positive attitude and a high five.

Matty gets Lady Bach alone and decides to spend it playing charades. Are charades back or something?

Jake and Sam seem really nervous about some “big show” they’ve got planned for Lady Bach. I really hope it’s a strip duet – you definitely don’t see enough of that on a 7.30pm time slot.

Meanwhile, Lady Bach gets mad at Pasta Pirate for giving her alone time with Tommy, how very dare he.

Pasta Pirate just wants to play fair. Snore……

Sadly, no double striptease. Unless there’s a penis under that silver platter. Oh wait…

In actuality, the two lads have made their communal girlfriend a fancy, ball-shaped dessert. (Lol, ball.)

But srzly, it’s like an Adriano Zumbo creation. I think this might be a subliminal Masterchef promotion. Like, when has ANYONE EVER seen Sam or Jake bake or roast anything, aside from the other guys in the house? WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM?!

 

sam-jake-high-five

High five for random cross-promotion!

Jake never really had anything to worry about tbh because Lady Bach still gets a minge twinge whenever he’s around. (I stole that from Gogglebox. It’s my new favourite thing to say.)

HOW COULD YOU LEAVE CAPTAIN SUNSHINE IN THE BOTTOM TWO, GEORGIA?! HOW COULD YOU!!

Obviously he doesn’t go home, but still. I did not appreciate that at all.

 

how-dare-you-gif

To give Lady Bach props, she knows she don’t got no chemistry with Tommy and takes him outside to say it to his face. (Side note – outside chats are already happening?)

Despite his lack of sparkles with Lady Bach, Tommy seems like good people.

Sorry I was so mean to you, Tommy.

OMG I CANNOT WAIT UNTIL NEXT WEEK! INTRUDER DUDES!

Man, this shit is going forward at break neck speed.

 

 

 

 

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The Bachelorette Season 2: Mills and Dudes

23 Sep

It’s kind of hard for me to start this recap because apparently Georgia Love doesn’t do any poignant water thinking or exercise thinking. I guess she just spends her time dating dudes and taking names. Ain’t no one got time for that water crap, amiright?

 

im-busy

 

Moving on. It’s the first morning in the Mansion that Spotlight Built and is it just me or has the Tuscan Kitchen been given a quick little bro makeover? All the said bros are chillin in their casual denim and flannies chatting about their night at the cocktail partay, that is, until Osher shows up and puts all their denim dreams to shame. Funnily enough he’s got a date card and no time to stick around.

Instead, Resident Narrator Aaron does the reading-of-date-card honors and gives the single date to Jake. Remember guys, Jake gave up his seat for Lee so he is, like, some kind of Ghandi incarnate and Lady Bach’s lady parts felt tingly things when she met him.

 

ghandi

Totally would. 

 

For their date, they go to the Three Sisters/Blue Mountains or something. In other words, NATURE.  But obviously this date is going to involve doing things high up and probably dangling from these high up things. In this case, dangling from the scenic railway. Poor Jake is shitting bricks but takes it on the chin. Or the helmet. Whichever.

Unfortunately nothing dangerous really happens and they abseil safely to the ground. Then they go to some fancy place called The Carrington. You know shit is fancy when the buildings have names, yo.

Before we know it, shit is getting hella serious when they start talking about their mums having cancer. The C word is never really funny so I’mma leave that one.

More talking and staring at each other and it looks like they’ll probably pash…

……and yep. FIRST PASH OF THE SEASON! WEEEE!!

 

georgia-jake-kiss

No sign of pinky ring from this angle…

 

Yep. Final Three for Jake. Calling it now. You can quote me if you like.

Meanwhile the other lads are all back at the Manch planning Jake’s possible death.

 

GROUP DATE

The inaugural early-in-the-season-photoshoot has arrived, surprise surprise, early in the season.

Quote of the night goes to lovable nervous pooer Ben when he finds out he’s on the group date – “Do we have to RSVP for this?” The more he talks, the more I like him.

For their super fancy photoshoot it’s all about the country. Country. Horses. Nature. Puffer vests. Much nature.

In fact, it is a legit shoot for Mills & Boon’s new book series set in the Aussie Outback and the dudes will be split into small groups to have cover shots taken with Lady Bach. Except Cameron. He gets his own. Because he’s adorable. The rest of the dudes look super psyched about it. Except Cameron.

Umm, side note…am I the only one who’s super keen to read this shit? Gawd I hope there’s a character called Barry. Or Steve. Or Banjo. That would be crackers. (Is that an Aussie thing? I don’t really know…) Regardless, the optimism is practically palpable when the lads realise that maybe this means they’ll make some serious dolla bills off the royalties.

 

mills-and-boon

I hope they re-use this title in the new series!

 

But there’s really no time for this kind of positivity because what has now started is the BATTLE OF THE MAN SORT OF MODELS! It is Sam vs. Rhys in an epic contest of white guy rigs and hair flipping. Obviously the der-rama for this episode and possibly erry episode for the rest of this season will be centered around Sam hating Rhys for being a model. Or something.

Shoot 1 – Lady Bach is put in Courtney’s arms while the other plebs carry logs and stuff. What a stitch up. Meanwhile, I actually hate being carried like that. Not that that many men offer to carry me in a fireman lift these days, but whatevs… I feel like a complete gumby.

Shoot 2 – Lady Bach is up on a white horse with Lee. Matt gets stuck on the ground making friends with the horse’s face. They’re not even trying to make it hard for us to guess who she likes best. Poor Matt.

Shoot 3 – The Two Epic Models. And Clancy. Rhys gets his rig out and Sam is not okay with it. Just quietly, does anyone else love Sam now? Like, I know he has terrible attitudes towards women and is probably the worst kind of guy to date and we’re supposed to hate him, but these claws of his are super sassy and hilarious.

Shoot 4 – Just Cam. Because he’s a babe. This sucks for me though, because all the local fireman around my area are 50-plus and balding. They kind of nearly kiss. No one is sure.

 

nature-shoot-2

Nothing says romance quite like an akubra. 

 

ROSE CEREMONY

Rhys has a poem. Because of COURSE he does. Just when we thought we got through the meet-and-greets without any awkward poetry…nekk minit…Rhys. Unfortunately it’s not that good. It doesn’t really rhyme properly. Or did I miss the memo about new-age hipster poetry intentionally being a bit crap?

According to one of the dudes whose name I have yet to care about, the “masculine energy” in the house has risen. Or does he just mean Sam’s hatred Rhys. This is getting serious. Will there be a table flip tonight? Even if there isn’t, I am enjoying Sam’s impressions of his nemesis and general bitchiness.

 

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Sam tries to convince Lady Bach that Rhys is just an awful, scarf-wearing model/devil but gets interrupted by none other than Rhys before he can tell her to boot him off.

Not that it really matters anyway. She keeps them both so that Australia’s viewing audience can enjoy at least another week of this strange, yet oddly fulfilling feud. Instead, it’s Ben who’s sent packing. But surely they cannot send the nervous pooer home this early in the game? It’s just so cruel! I actually feel awful. For realz. I have real feelings about this, Lady Bach.

 

Watch yoself.

 

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Also this.

 

 

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The Bachelorette Season 2: The path to Georgia’s Love

22 Sep

I wasn’t going to recap The Bachelorette, I really wasn’t. But I have a sickness and no sooner had I watched the first episode of Season 2, that I felt the inexplicable need to give my opinion on it. So…yeah. Here we are, guys.

The producers barely had enough time to clean the chocolate bath remnants from the Tuscan Mansion that Spotlight Built before Lady Love and her crew took over the place. Luckily though, one of the work experience kids managed to nip back down to Bed, Bath ‘n’ Table and stock up on more metallic candle holders and expensive throw rugs. Crisis averted.

I just hope they gave Osher a weekend off or something to recover.

But here he is, looking his dapper self, and ready to introduce us to Australia’s newest Bachelorette – Georgia Love.

So who is she?

Well, she’s a journalist and news reporter who lives in Tasmania and was probably the best option they had since I’m guessing Cool Girl Heather and Well Traveled Lana turned down the gig. But Lady Bach seems pretty sweet and, despite her bad habit of speaking like she’s on the five o’clock news, is a stone cold fox. But the poor thing has put her successful career first for the last decade, how very dare she, and has thus been punished by the Gods of romance for not giving it all up to find a man. Until now…

 

sad-georgia

This is what you get for having a career.

 

Instead of going home to her cold career, hopefully Lady Love will be going home to one of the 16 bachelors Channel 10 and the Myer Briggs test have picked out for her… I just really hope the “relationship experts” from Married at First Sight weren’t involved…

But before I give you my run-down on the fellas, can I just say it is actually bullshit that she only gets 16 dudes and Bachie Cool Bananas got 23 ladies. MAYBE it was because Richie needed more personalities in the house to overshadow his own, but I think I’m being too optimistic here. This is just straight-up anti-feminism! Does Susan Sarandon know about this?

Anywhoo, Lady Love is all decked out in her elegant and virginal white gown, living out my personal dream of standing on her driveway and just waiting for hot men in limos to pull up and impress her. And if by “impress” you mean making awkward conversation and wearing a lot of velvet suits, then yes, they are very impressive. Many velvet, much pinky rings.

I’m not going to give a run down on erry single one because you and I both have a life, but here are the standouts:

Cameron: Firefighter. Very cute. Likes Disney. Will most likely be in the Final 3 due to my other Bachie theory, not dissimilar to the Dress theory, that the first suitor introduced is usually a major contender. You heard it here first.

Jake: Forgot what he does but he’s from the Gold Coast. He’s really cute except he wears a pinky ring. Ew. It’s a no from me, but Bachie Love doesn’t seem to care. High chance of going rogue and punching someone later due to aforementioned description.

Rhys: Model and Entrepreneur. This means he’s probably a barista at a hipster cafe and runs a semi-popular tumblr account. Basically says anyone can be as hot as he is if they just try harder. Tries hard to speak French. Is shit.

Courtney: Also forgot what he does but something to do with kids? Super adorbs but I think I’m biased because he’s wearing a plaid shirt and gives her a pasta bracelet.

Carlos: Self-proclaimed Business Mogul. So…a stripper. He doesn’t even try to hide it. Clearly producer’s pick for ratings as not even the Married at First Sight relationship experts would pair him with Georgia. Also wears pinky ring and looks greasy. I hope he stays.

Lee: Mechanical Plumber. I’m not 100% sure what this means but I bet he’s good with his hands or…something. Offers Lady Bach his jacket while swooning over her eyes but obviously stylists crack the shits and make him take it back. Oh yeah, also brings a donkey with him, NBD. A donkey in a mexican costume, no less. Asks, “does my ass look big in this?” Ten points to Gryffindor.

 

donkey

#animalrights

 

Ben: Miner. Extreme Aussie and clearly there for comic relief. Self-proclaimed nervous pooer. Bless. Trips over on his way up the stairs. Jury still out on whether it was legit an accident or excuse to use bad pun. Either way I’m okay with it.

Clancy: Has beard. May not have beard by end of night.

Sam: Claims to be an electrician but I really don’t know if I’d let him anywhere near live wires. But well done to the producers because this guy is television heaven. Explains that he rarely has to try very hard as women usually just go to him, hence why he’s still single and on a dating show? Wonders if Georgia will be able to keep his attention for more than a week. What a sweetheart! And by attention he means asking her a series of inane questions that he probably stole from a bad Buzzfeed quiz. Wins Quote of the Night with, “I don’t know what planet she’s from that she doesn’t agree with everything I say?” Thank you, Channel 10. Thank you.

COCKTAIL PARTY

Off to an excellent start. Lady Bach enters in all her glory only to stack it down the stairs. And suddenly every woman in Australia goes lesbian for a moment because, lesbihonest, Georgia is all of us after a few drinks. She brushes it off like no big deal but then secretly wants to die in her private interview. Basically me everyday.

 

georgia-falls

Georgia at the cocktail party…

kill-me-gif

…Georgia IRL

 

After that, the der-rama takes a bit of a nose dive. I really hate to say this, but dudes are not as interesting as chicks are at the cocktail parties. All that happens is that they form a line to talk to Lady Bach. It’s kind of sweet but also super weird.

Meanwhile, Rhys and some guy called Aaron find each other and begin what looks to be a beautiful bromance. They make a lot of cringe-worthy jokes and then laugh a lot of those jokes and I can’t help but wonder if this is what I’m like with my friends when we’ve been drinking and, if so, someone should probs just put me out of my misery. Although a little part of me does hope they turn on each other and flip tables and shit because that would be way more entertaining.

 

bromance

The real love story of the season.

 

OOHH CONTROVERSY ALERT!

Guys, even though Lady Love has waaaay more personality than Bachie Bananas did, they’re not giving her a White Sex Rose! Obviously this is NOT. OKAY. WITH. ME. Less men to pick from and now no Sex Rose. What’s next? The men not having to compete in humiliating challenges?!

What Lady Bach does get is some pissy little orange rose called the “First Impression Rose” which is actually just the Rose of Lies! Poor Osher tries to sell it like a #reallybigdeal but it turns out it works basically the same as the regular roses, it’s just the lucky dude gets given it earlier in the night. And gets to choose ONE date with Lady Bach and ONE group date. No escaping up to the White Rose Sex Hideaway whenever the mood strikes.

If I was Lady Bach I would be piiiiiiiiiissed.

The lucky/not-so-lucky recipient is Courtney and maybe I’m okay with that decision. I always knew plaid shirts were a good life choice.

ROSE CEREMONY

Poor Georgia has to send home two dudes out of an already small pool of 16! I mean, I’m no scientist, but isn’t it LADIES who are the better sex at multi-tasking?! Are we legitimately going into the beginning of this new season with a measly FOURTEEN MEN?! What good can possibly come of that?

Regardless, Lady Bach must do as she is told and so she sends home Carlos and a white guy whose name I did not learn. Seeing as Carlos was clearly the producers pick, I’m very surprised they let that slide. Perhaps they feel bad for shafting poor Lady Love at every other opportunity. And by shafting I’m not trying to make bad sexual innuendo. For once.

 

Ah well, at least Sam and his codependent attitude are still there. And the donkey. Or…at least I think the donkey is still there?

Guys?

 

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The Bachelor Season 4: Bring home the Banana

16 Sep

As Kim Craig nee Day once said, “I’m feeling a lot of feelings.” And I am. Along with just about everyone else in Australia. You can literally sense the collective annoyance, yet relief that this awkward Bachie journey has stumbled across the finish line.

 

kim-day

Thin ice, Richie.

 

But once again, I’m getting ahead of myself.

REMEMBER WE’RE IN BALI GUYS! Rice paddies, nature, Buddhas, more rice paddies, water, temples, CULTURE!

Straight up we know it can’t be an overly eventful finale because we’re taken on a lengthy trip down memory lane to fill time. You gotta hand it to Osher Gunsberg – he knows how to work it when the chips are down. He regales everyone on Bachie Bananas’ “unforgettable” journey…but…was it though? Strange, yes. Repetitive, yes. Unforgettable? Nussomuch.

 

cool-bananas

#unforgettable

 

But as we all know, there can only be one victor in the race for the Banana, so we gotta keep this train moving.

Cut to Richie doing some VERY serious sunset thinking. He says a lot of words like adventure, journey, Bali, sunset, love, and decisions. Poor guy must have worked extra hard at memorizing those cue cards last night.

And speaking of which, there’s an assistant producer on this show who should probably lose their job for not reminding Bachie that he doesn’t have read off his cue cards when he’s around his own family. I’m not even joking, he spoke to his mum and sister like he was trying to get them to sign up for a gym membership.

Although, Memorable Moment #1 goes to Mummy Bananas with her sassy response to Richie telling her where Northam is. She’s from WA…she knows.

Bachie excitedly tells his mum about all the cool and humiliating things he’s been forcing his harem of girlfriends to do over the last few weeks. And obviously before either of the remaining girls can bring home the Banana, they’ve gotta get past their final, slightly less humiliating obstacle – meeting Mummy and Sister Bananas.

Umm…can I just say something? Don’t get mad, but I don’t think I like Mummy Bananas all that much. Yes, it’s her job to come on here and grill the two women competing for her precious son. Buuuuuuut, I think the penny dropped for a lot of viewers last night; THIS is why Richie is such an awkward manchild – his mum. I mean, you cannot judge a girl for being a single mother when your own son has LITERALLY just dated 22 women at once.

She also demands to know if Alex has explained to 31 year-old Richie that children change your routine? Err…call me crazy…but shouldn’t he just know that? The Dark Knight Rises theme song plays in the background as Alex tries her best to defend her life choices to her communal boyfriend’s mother. This is bullshit.

Nikki has it no better though. She’s accused of being on the rebound and having the nerve to play games with Richie. Honestly, these two women made flipping fools of themselves for your son. THEY WRESTLED IN KANGAROO SUITS WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?!

 

mummy-banana

It’s all making sense now…

 

I know I throw a lot of shade at this show and can sometimes get a little carried away with my talk on the women who compete in this, but all of a sudden I feel myself getting very protective of both Alex and Nikki. This has never happened before. I’m a bit scared.

Basically though, once she’s finished with the two of them, Richie’s mum says the exact same shit Olena said to him yesterday but this time he actually takes it seriously without cracking the sads. I miss Olena.

This episode is starting to make me mad.

Time for the final dates!

 

NIKKI

Transport: Helicopter.

Memorable Moment #2:  “Omigod is that a volcayyynoo?”

Richie says he has this super “unique” experience planned for Nikki for their final date. What will it be?? Bintangs on Kuta beach? No. He takes her to go look at a temple and have her shit stolen by monkeys. Paint it however you want, but those monkeys are terrifying and likely to be carrying some kind of tropical disease – I’ve seen Outbreak. 

 

monkey-crazy

ROMANCE!

 

A girlfriend and I went to Bali earlier this year and I legit feel like our trip down a river rapid in plastic helmets was more romantic than this.

I just cannot take her telling him he’s the most incredible man she’s ever met anymore. Girlfriend, please stahp it, you’re too good for this! Gawd if he doesn’t choose her I’mma be bloody devastated.

 

ALEX

Transport: Yacht.

Memorable Moment #3: “I wanted to read you my poem I wrote for you…again.”

Just when I thought you’d won me over, Alex, you’ve lost me again. Having said that, at least there aren’t any rabid monkeys to contend with, so I guess that’s a win.

They go swimming. And I think that’s all I have to say about that.

 

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

Final poolside thinking. Nature, Bali, water, pool, thinking. Much Bali. Richie just isn’t sure which blonde is the right blonde for him…or does he. All of a sudden he’s saying all this stuff about having to follow his heart, so maybe between the monkeys and the poems he realised which girl has proven herself worthy of the Banana.

The two girls do the usual thing of thoughtfully putting on their makeup and perfume and looking in the mirror and telling themselves the man who made them care for robot babies and eat animal innards is going to choose them.

And that’s where my Bachie Dress Theory comes in. It isn’t Nikki, the clear favorite, who is going to win. It’s Alex who’s in the more pure, more virginal gold dress. They ALWAYS put the winner in the virginal dress. Anna, Sam, Snezana and now Alex. It’s a thing, guys, look into it. Nikki can no longer win because she is wearing red and only harlots wear red apparently.

Richie waits for the first limo to pull up so he can tell the poor woman in it that she is not worthy of his Cool Bananas.

AND WHAT DID I TELL YOU?

 

taylor-i-told-you

Oooh it’s bad. It’s so bad. But Nikki, you’re a class act; I couldn’t f*cking watch. Even she knows she’s too good for this.

 

nikki-losing

You still look bangin in that red dress, babe.

Look, there’s nothing I love more than being proven right, but I dunno if that was worth it.

THE COLOUR OF THE DRESS MEANS EVERYTHING!

So now we know – Alex is about to take home the Banana. I mean, as if he wasn’t going to pick the single mum. You don’t take the single mum all the way to the finale then dump her, otherwise that means you are the biggest douche canoe ever in the whole world. We really should have seen this coming, guys.

Obviously she is stoked and the two of them collapse into an awkward fit of laugh-crying. And while we’re on this super close up shot, what the hell is that thing they have put around Alex’s neck? What what what is it? Now this is over, someone get rid of it and put her in a pair of denim shorts and Havianas like everyone else is Bali!

 

alex-and-richie

We’re just so…LUCKY. Ha ha!

 

Guys, Australia is MAD. Like, really mad. This could go Blake Garvey level.

 

At least it’s over. Even this guy cannot wait to get the funk outta here…

 

osher-going-home

Where’s my AIR ASIA flight, suckers?

Okay Georgia Love…it’s all on you now, babe. I’m ready for some table-flipping…

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The Bachelor Season 4: Bintang, done that.

15 Sep

Truth bomb: This may be the shortest, most non-eventful recap I’ve ever done and I feel like I’ve done it a million times; I am RUNNING ON EMPTY, GUYS. I promise I will throw in as much random funny shit from the internet to try and make it seem better. I mean, this is what would normally be the Dates With No Time Limits (yes, I’m STILL bitter, get over it) so nothing is ever going to live up to it, but come on. If it wasn’t for Olena I would basically have nothing to say. But one thing at a time…

Bachie Banana warms up for a long evening of being beige with some poignant stretching, pond-side weights and pond-side sit ups.

 

stretchings

Can pond.

He’s going to take his three blondes on a trip and he’s very worried about having to pick which one is the natural blonde because he cannot possibly end up with a fake blonde as his wife. Osher isn’t even here to help him. Either they couldn’t afford to pay him or he’s legit thrown in the towel and gone the f*ck home.

AIR ASIA FLYING TO A FOREIGN COUNTRY! AIR ASIA FLYING TO A FOREIGN COUNTRY! Give me a free flight to a foreign country! (I am not so much kidding about this one – I would love me some travel voucher.)

The big international trip on AIR ASIA is to, as Richie keeps calling it, “Indonesia.” Which is just Bali, the bogan tourist capital of Straya. At the very least, they’ve learnt their lesson from last year when they went to some shitty fishing town in Sydney and it just rained the whole time. From what I can recall, Snezana got taken on a funking walk to the beach as her final date. So I guess this is a step up.

 

air-asia-1

Can I have a free flight, please?

 

So much Bali. Many Indonesia. Bintang. Tourists. Nasi Goreng. You know the drill.

 

air-asia-2

How bout now??

 

ALEX

If nothing else, Alex should win a medal for laughing the most over his terrible jokes. They ride bikes through the rice paddies and they say beautiful and pretty a lot and Richie makes bad puns and Alex shrieks as if she’s been kept in a dungeon devoid of humor by some creep who wants to bone her…oh wait….

 

brooke-shields-laughing

Everything you say is just so FUNNY!!

 

Gush gush gush. There’s a lot of gushing and kissing with tongue.

Alex wants to know if Richie would move to Melbourne because obviously she’s the one with the “big responsibility” child and Richie pretends to entertain the idea but we all know Bachie don’t move nowhere for nobody.

They arrive at a Random Fancy Rotunda, where Alex exclaims that, “It’s so beautiful” and Richie replies with, “just like you.” Vomit.

There is an attempt at injecting some der-rama into the scene with Richie pretending to worry that his mum and sister might not know how to react to their son dating a blonde who has pushed out a human from her vagina. But considering his own mum is/was a single mum, I’mma say it ain’t gonna be a problem, but what would I know. Nice try, assistant producer.

 

NIKKI

Bachie Bananas is super excited to see the obvious winner and says he’s going to share everything he loves about Bali with Nikki. Yah, because you love her and you’re going to pick her.

Nikki seems wayyyy too excited and grateful considering she’s been here twelve times. TWELVE TIMES?! Ooohh…that’s right she’s from the country. I get it. Carry on.

 

phoebe-fun

You mean, we get to go to the beach again?!

 

Bachie Bananas tries to say he hasn’t seen an adventurous side to Nikki just yet, demonstrating that memory loss of his is still a bit of a problem. I don’t know exactly what you classify as adventurous, Richie, but remember when she ate lamb’s guts and beat up other girls in kangaroo suits, babe?

 

 kangaroos

Remember dis?

 

Anyway, the producers try to create an interesting date where they go to the beach and go on some flying fish water sports activity out the back of a hotel. But to me it kinda felt like this…

 

boring-banana

 

Gush gush gush. There’s more gushing and more kissing with tongue.

It’s very beige and they are obviously in love. The end.

Although I did giggle when Richie said,”Good times, good times,” before going in to pash her. Spot on, mate. Straya. Romance.

 

OLENA

Just when I thought the ads for Lady Bachie were more exciting than this episode, in walks Kween Olena.

Olena is obviously a massive bitch because she hasn’t said she loves him already. Because she realises that she doesn’t really know this guy all that well. And she realises they literally live on opposite sides of the country, and you know, that might be, like, a f*cking problem.

Poor Richie is confused about whether he likes her for realz or whether he just wants to bone her, so if any date has the potential to be interesting, it’s this one.

Bachie Bananas is super keen to find out what Olena’s parents said about him because, despite constantly saying it’s more important to follow your own heart, we are in desperate need of some der-rama and that is obviously important to him all of a sudden.

Kween Olena straight up tells him her parents didn’t really have an opinion because they met him for half an hour and they were being filmed for national television. I am gobsmacked this vessel of rationality has survived this long in the game.

Richie agonizes over this highly controversial piece of information for, like, their entire date which consists of them surfing and drinking on the beach.

He decides to “confront” her because how very dare her parents have nothing less than sunshine and rainbows to say about him and what follows then is an amazing ten minutes of Richie cracking the sads that Olena isn’t saying what he wants her to and Olena not giving a sh*t about it.

OLENA: I just feel like long distance relationships are really hard.

RICHIE: Yeah, but, what about my feelings?

OLENA: Look, I like you and stuff, but I don’t know how this would work, to be honest.

RICHIE: WHY AREN’T YOU OPENING UP TO ME AND TELLING ME YOU LOVE ME?!

OLENA: Kthanxbyyyeeee.

 

olena-dont-care

Yeah, nah.

 

Olena is just heaven throughout the whole exchange. Bachie basically loses his bananas over her rational arguments about long distance, even though he knows he was never going to uproot his life for her, and she comes back with, “You were livin in a fairytale.”

Yas kween. Thank god for Foxtel, because I totally hit rewind a couple of times just to enjoy that again. And again.

Bachie be MAD.

 

ROSE CEREMONY

Bye bye Olena. There is literally no reason for me to even be writing this. Srzly Channel 10 I don’t even know why you’re bothering with the Batman soundtrack because we all know what’s happening. Olena knows and she doesn’t give any f*cks.

When he finally puts her out of her misery and tries to explain that dumping her had absolutely nothing to do with the fact she had an opinion different to his, he tells us that,”Saying goodbye to Olena wasn’t really that difficult.”

This guy. What a sweetheart.

Olena can not get on an AIR ASIA flight quick enough back to a world where logic exists.

 

morgan-bored

On the plus side, the filler episode before the finale is over and we can all just look forward to actual finale tonight where Nikki’s blonde hair will take the Bachie crown.

ALTHOUGH!

After seeing the preview for the finale, I’m having a couple of doubts – they uuuuusually dress the winners in gold/white/some kind of virginal hue. And Nikki is going to be wearing red. Alex is in a gold sequinned number… I’m just saying…

 

air-asia-3

How bout now?

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The Bachelor Season 4: Homeward Bound

9 Sep

Aside from the Dates with Sex episodes (which no longer exist, technically, despite my numerous letters to Channel 10 – I’m never gonna let it go, guys) it’s my other favorite episode! Bachie meets the parents! I’ve always loved grilled banana as a dessert, and now I get to see it in human form. That sounded weird…

Not content with shirtless squat thrusts or lat pulls (yeah, I know exercise) we’ve now moved on to shirtless shaving. Bachie Bananas poignantly reflects on his four girlfriends while he shaves the minimal stubble from his cheek. Obviously it is very difficult to do this with a shirt on. And obviously one must follow up their shirtless shaving with a healthy smoothie before there can be any elimination of girlfriends. Eat lean, shave clean.

 

shaving

Oh gosh this is a difficult job

 

ALEX

So Alex has been hiding something from us. She lives in a funking winery apparently. There are LOTS of horses, fresh air and nature. And grapes. Alex does some serious grapes thinking about how the man who made her eat lamb’s guts would be such a great father to her kid.

Now that I know where you live, babe, I’d be your baby daddy, NBD.

Bachie Bananas explains to us that Single Mum Alex is, “like no one I’ve ever met – strong, beautiful and intelligent.” Sooo…I guess that makes the other three girls barnyard slappers? I sometimes think he just forgets what show he’s the star of. Poor pet.

Alex explains that, although it is hometown dates and the idea is for her communal boyfriend to be roasted by her proud family members, she has decided NOT to introduce Richie to her son. This is super disappointing…for me. Surprise surprise, Bachie Bananas is almost as bad at pretending to be disappointed as he is pretending to not be reading off cue cards. He tells her that he totes understands and practically wipes the sweat off his brow.

(Then they do that flashback to when Alex showed him the photo album of Elijah and she said that, “put a name to a face” thing, which still annoys me to no end. IT’S THE OTHER WAY AROUND! He’s putting a FACE to the NAME! Am I the only one who was bothered by this? Probs.)

Regardless, NOT introducing your communal boyfriend to your naive, impressionable child is a rookie mistake, Alex. Remember last year when Snezana introduced Woody to her daughter Eve on hometown visits to LOCK THAT SHIT DOWN? I know it seems perhaps a little unreasonable to expose a child to this kind of emotional risk, but this is The Bachelor babe – the laws of reason are redundant. Gawd, who even ARE you, Alex?! WHO ARE YOU?!

So for now we have to settle for Alex’s other family – her mum, sister and brother.  There is nothing I love more than an overly- protective brother, and Alex’s bro, Adam, is adequetely terrifying. And dem brows… on fleek. Adam’s brows run through the usual protective brother gauntlet of questions until he straight up asks Bachie if he’s ever cheated on a girlfriend before? No offense, Adam, but… that is basically the entire premise of this show. The best part is that Richie says no…

 

faith-kissing

Umm..remember dis?

nikki-kiss

Or dis? 

 

But then he mentions that, “he sees that kind of thing in his job,” quite often as he’s flying in and out of different cities.

HOLD UP.

They FLY ropes technicians around the country? Where can I study this?! What even IS a ropes technician?!

However, I know it’s early days, but I’m gonna give MVP to Adam and his brows for the most on-point comment ever in the history of this season. After listening to Sir Bananas awkwardly stumble through the conversation, Adam says, “I feel like he’s said this a thousand times before.”

 

adam-brows

The brows know.

 

Ten points to Gryffindor! You are absolutely correct, my friend. This is pretty much what we’ve all been bitching about since July!

Oh yeah, Alex reveals she loves Richie. We know.

 

OLENA

Of course they’ve got Olena doing some sexy exercising. It’s tennis. She’s doing some serious tennis thinking.

Because she’s Ukrainian with a former boxing champion for a dad, they’re trying to give her a bit of a Jelena Dokic spin. Remember that tennis player with the crazy ass dad who beat people up and went to jail? Yeah I’d be scared too.

 

Prison guards escort Damir Dokic to the courtroom for the retrial, Thursday, Sept. 24, 2009, in Ruma, northwest of Belgrade, Serbia. The father of tennis player Jelena Dokic, Damir Dokic was sentenced recently to 15-months in jail on charges that he "endangering the security" of the Australian ambassador in Belgrade and unlawful possession of weapons, but a retrial was ordered after a higher court annulled the first verdict.(AP Photo/Srdjan Ilic)

 

The most amusing thing that happens is that Richie is super shit at tennis and gets his bananas handed to him by Olena. He tries to save face by reminding us he’s been taking her on, “these extravagant dates,” so it’s kinda nice to just be kicking it on a tennis court.

Mate, who you kidding?

 

mud

Remember dis? #extravagant

 

They approach Olena’s house where Richie should basically just prepare to die, when Olena reassures him she’s shitting bricks. I don’t wanna be racist, but if that doesn’t secure a girl Australian citizenship, I dunno what would. Olena is now my favorite.

We meet Olena’s family, i.e. her terrifying father, and what follows is fifteen minutes of Richie desperately trying to seem tough and get Daddy Dokic to like him:

Richie: I took Olena on a motorbike. I love motorbikes. Please like me, I’m super tough, I promise.

Dad: I f*cking hate bikes. And now I’mma beat tha shiiit outta you. Kthnxbye.

And that’s what happens. He takes him outside to the boxing bag and we watch as another member of the Olena family hand Richie his own, now squashed, bananas. It’s excellent television. Better yet, Dad still haaates him.

 

boxing-richie

Haha! Please like me!

 

And so does Olena’s sister. Girl is just, “Like, don’t you feel weird him dating other chicks? Isn’t that weird?! It’s f*cking weird.”

(MENULOG MENULOG! OLENA’S FAMILY USE MENULOG!)

For a solid minute or so I thought Olena’s scary dad and sassy sister were going to team up and beat the crap out of Richie.

But there was no fight. I’m disappointed. I stopped paying attention. But I remember they sneaked in a pash before dad came back out with his boxing gloves on.

 

RACHEL

Rachel is over in Perth doing some serious beach thinking. She wonders why, since they’re both from Perth, it’s taken them THIS long to meet?

Look, I’ve never been to Perth but I’m fairly sure it’s a big place. Like, I’m from the smallest city ever (Brisbane) and I still managed to avoid my primary school boyfriend for fifteen years and we lived a few suburbs apart. (We had a bad break-up. There were tazos and another girl’s erasers involved. I don’t wanna talk about it.)

Already we know she’s going home. He’s using complicated phrases like, “big enough of a connection” and the like. And she also has not-blonde hair.  “You’re always good at everything, Richie,” the poor girl laughs. Yeah. Except for sentences. Not so good at that.

Wait, is this amazing beach shack she’s taken him to her HOUSE? Be still my beating heart…what is this place? Fish and chips, champagne, a gentle sea breeze? This is my dream home. Okay, take a breath, Lauren. It’s just a restaurant. Calm down.

They arrive at Rachel’s parents ACTUAL home. Is that a bottle of Ricca Donna I see in her hand? Suddenly it’s 2005.

Not-Blonde Rachel tells us that her dad has super good intuition and that whatever he decides of Richie will pretty much be it for her. So he’s some sort of fortune teller. That’s cool.

 

fortune-teller

I have a feeling he’ll pick the blondes.

 

Nothing else that interesting happens until they sit down to dinner. There are a lot of dudes at the table with long hair. I have no idea who they are but they are probably related to Rachel.

Someone else related to Rachel is her sister who is basically the Overly Protective Brother Adam in this scenario except with lady parts. She asks Bachie Bananas if he is in love with Rachel and then sits back and watches him try and say words for about five minutes. On the other hand, sis does have blonde hair, so part of me is surprised Richie didn’t just tell her she was gorgeous and try and pash her.

 

rachel-sister

Right hair colour. Wrong sister. 

 

For some reason Fortune Teller Dad is getting good vibes from the dude who made his daughter fight other women in hot pants so he gives them his blessing. Then someone says they never throw love around willy-nilly. Because Perth.

I think that was all. She’s going home. I just know it. Sorry dad.

 

NIKKI

Nikki is from some rando town in Western Australia called Northam, a.k.a butt-f*ck Idaho. So she does some serious outback thinking.

When Richie arrives they do this really awkward thing called a conversation on the top of Northam lookout while the semi-trailers zoom past. Nikki explains that her family are from the racing industry and I don’t really know what that means, but I hope it involves a lot of drinking and people taking off their shoes.

SURPRISE! They go to the races. But there’s no one else there. Probs cos no one else lives in Northam.

Eventually, they get sick of sitting on a Random Sex Couch at the races and head to Nikki’s palatial home because I’m almost positive “being in the racing industry” means her family might be Northam royalty. Everyone in her family like Richie because obviously Nikki is going to win, so they’d better.

Except for her Aussie AF brother-in-law Snowy who is.not.having.a.bar.of.it.

This guy means business and takes Richie outside to drink beer and grill shit on a barbecue.

I don’t really know what Snowy stands for, but I do know that this is ICE COLD #seewhatididthere. Although I’ve already given MVP to Brother Adam, I’m going to give Best Playmaker of the evening to Snowy for this nugget of wisdom:

“Just imagine the worst point of your life. Don’t worry about all their fancy shit and what they look like and stuff.” Yes, Snowy. Yes.

 

snowy

Can grill. 

 

Once again, nothing really interesting happens after that. Nikki tells her sister she’s in love with a man she’s spent all of a day or two with. Her sister seems to be on board. Just pick her already, Richie. For realz. I’m tired.

 

ROSE CEREMONY

Guys, I’m not even going to waste your time here. I was right. Rachel goes home because she dared to keep her natural brunette roots visibly brunette, how very dare she. She takes it well though and manages to put one last one on the board for us classy girls of the brunette variety.

Alex cries at how lucky she is to still be in the running for Bachie’s bananas. Olena kind of looks annoyed. Nikki just knows she’s got this.

I hate to say it but good God I’m looking forward to this season ending and I haven’t even watched half of it.

 

tired-gif

This is me. 

 

 

 

 

 

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