NAAAAAAAAAAAANTS INGONYAMA BAGITHI BABA!
Because Africa.
#nature
HOLY CRAP WE MADE IT, TEAM!
We have arrived at the night of the finale without anyone losing an eye rub or getting street pie poisoning. Squeeee!
*Deep breaths* I am going to need to try and keep a lid on it and refrain from putting everything in capital letters while recapping this epic final love battle.
AFRICA! NATURE! FORD TERRITORY! ANIMALS! WATER! DID I MENTION THEY DRIVE FORDS HERE?
We are still in Africa. There is nature ERRYWHERE and OMIGOD STOP IT OSHER IS HERE ON PRIDE ROCK!
His hair is just loving itself sick in that safari outfit and sporting a smart casual leg mount. No big deal, I’m just here in Africa in my Gazman Casual Wear.
After recovering from the shock of seeing Osher at the very beginning of an episode, we see Blake Vader looking poignant. He has very big decisions to make tonight; one of his two favourite girlfriends out of twenty five other girlfriends will be getting a Bunda ring.
He stands in front of lots of views of Africa. He stops by a pool. Water. He mosies on down to a campsite. Fire. He looks into the flames poignantly and thinks about journeys and roses and Bunda rings.
MUM IS HERE!
Mrs Vader has arrived in Africa in her best linen two-piece and brought Bitchy Aunty Dee with her. What?! Where is Shirley MacLaine aka Blake’s grandmother? She HAS to be here! No one can make decisions without Shirley!
But alas, she has been left back at home like the other loser bachelorettes. My guess is they wouldn’t fly her Business Class so Shirley just decided not to come. Shirley ONLY flies Business Class.
On ya, Shirley.
Mrs Vader gets totes emoshi upon seeing her son and Bachie apologises, explaining he’s been so busy getting women to ride mechanical bulls and bake cakes for him that he forgot to call her. She seems OK with it.
Aunty Dee, on the other hand, is not having a bar of all this emotional crap and wants to get right down to business.
Enter Lisa.
“HELLOOOOOO! I’m Looooiysa!” she calls.
Gotta love those Queenslanders.
Lisa is her normal, chatty, laughing self until Mrs Vader asks to talk to her in private.
They go to a totally random and coincidentally decorated love seat by a pool and Mrs Vader does her best impression of her son, demanding if Lisa is in love with him. I mean, come on guys, they’ve been on a couple of dates, SURELY she must know by now?!
Lisa confirms that yes, she is indeed in love with Mufasa and is totally ready to give him many Simba babies. They start laughing. Aunty Dee doesn’t like this. There is TOO MUCH LAUGHING! Aunty Dee obviously graduated from the same Laughter Police Academy as her nephew.
Aunty Dee breaks up the laughter party and hits Lisa with the hard questions. Lisa is normal so she answers them like a normal person.
Vader returns and he and Lisa tongue pash. Gross.
NEXT!
Sam arrives. Remember she is really goofy and awkward, so she is feeling really nervous and awkward about meeting Richard Mercer’s mum.
CALL OF THE NIGHT goes to Aunty Dee as Sam is approaching:
“Oh wow, she’s blonde. On no, wait. More multi-coloured.”
I love you, Aunty Dee.
(I need to know; if you were Sam’s hairdresser, when would you get to the point where you’d just suggest, “maybe we should do a full head of foils this time, babe?” WHEN?!)
Anyhoo. Sam and Mrs Vader sit down by another totally random and coincidentally decorated fireplace and talk about feelings. Because Sam is really awkward and goofy and has no filter, she tells Mum she was worried her son would be a douchebag. Gold star, Sam.
Then she is really embarrassed because she said that word and omigod she is so awkward and goofy and can’t talk to people properly because she has no filter. What a kidder!
Mufasa shows up again and asks Mum and Aunty Dee to pick his future beard for him because he obviously can’t do it. Mrs Vader offers to adopt both of them. She is not helpful at all.
Don’t forget to wear protection, darl. That’s how you got here.
FINAL DATES
More nature, buffalos and Ford cars. Africa.
Lisa is taken in a hot air balloon over Mufasa’s kingdom. Just like he told Louise, way back when, he explains to Lisa that everything the light touches is theirs. Lisa is super impressed.
Whilst up in the balloon, Mufasa asks Lisa what “challenges” she set for herself going into the show. You mean, apart from not getting on a mechanical bull and walking away with her dignity?
Lisa then goes on to recap their two amazing dates. Yes folks, you read that correctly. TWO. They have really only been on two f*#&ing dates! Lisa tells him they were both amazing and cannot believe he organised them out of his own pocket money just for her.
I’m starting to lose faith in you, Lisa.
They then arrive at an African-themed rotunda and sexy forehead touch for a while.
Mufasa is super dooper keen to get Lisa to tell him she loves him. It’s only fair; he organised TWO WHOLE DATES FOR HER! She OWES him!
I’m really hoping that she does an Aunty Dee and stands her ground, but it seems that all that baking and nature has finally infiltrated Lisa’s normal brain and she confirms that she is indeed, 100% in love with him.
NOOOOOOOOOO!!!
She tries to rationalise this by saying, ” I realise you can’t say it back to me right now.”
Weeeelllllll…..actually he could. But he doesn’t. Because romance.
The next morning he picks up Sam for a night safari. Remember? Because she is from Frankston and has a wild side? I hope no one told her that Lisa got a freaking hot air balloon, because if it were me, I would be PISSED.
They go safari-ing through Africa and Sam tries to get a glimpse of Mufasa’s elephant tusk, ifyouknowwhaddamean? 😉
Boring boring boring, they talk about their feelings. Sam has already told Bachie that she loves him so I don’t really know why we are forced to sit through this.
FINAL ROSE/BUNDA RING CEREMONY
The final two bitches are getting dressed. Both are wearing sequins. Because Africa. Lisa is in black, Sam is in silver.
Now, look, I don’t wanna seem TOO obnoxious, because that is obvi not my style AT ALL, but you don’t dress the loser in silver/bridal sparkles. This happened last year, remember? Anna (the winner) was conveniently dressed in a white and gold dress while loser Rochelle got lumped with a fluro number from Gasp? Come on.
Blake Vader is standing at the end of a tribal sacrifice alter, looking dapper in his powder-blue suit.
THIS IS IT, GUYS! (Commence many shouty capitals from here on in)
HOLY SHIT OSHER IS BACK OMIGOD HE IS WALKING DOWN THE SACRIFICE TUNNEL ARE THEY IN LOVE STOP IT I CAN’T TAKE IT!
Osher and Bachie hold hands. F*#& off, is this real?! Is THIS what the controversy was? PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY!
Oh no, wait, he is just wishing him luck. YOU MISSED YOUR CHANCE, BLAKE! YOU COULD HAVE ENDED UP WITH A BONA FIDE CLEO BACHELOR OF THE YEAR! YOU BLEW IT!
#MeantToBe
Sadly, Osher’s hair walks away to the approaching Ford vehicle (did I mention they drive Fords in Africa?)
And we all know that the first bitch out of the car is the loser.
They are obscuring her head.
The Ford car stops.
The door opens.
Osher’s hair blows in the wind.
*
*
*
*
And it’s Lisa.
I F*#&ING KNEW IT!
OH LISA YOU POOR THING! We all watch as Normal Lisa makes her way down the tribal sacrifice tunnel in what is pretty much the most bangin black crack dress I have ever seen!
GAWD it’s just the worst. He tells her he loves her but is IN love with someone else. ARGHHHH I CAN’T DEAL!
She just whispers nice things to him and then sashays back to the Ford Territory in her black crack dress.
Farewell Normal Lisa. You have a rockin ass. You will find someone else.
Meanwhile, Mufasa cries like a baby. Guys, STRIPPERS HAVE FEELINGS TOO!
So now we know. Sam from Frankston is The One. Her two-toned highlights have gotten her over the line and into the waiting arms of Blake Vader/Mufasa/Richard Mercer.
She’s walking past the phallic animal bones towards her true love. We see her extensions from the back. GAH! Someone FIX THEM!
They’re holding hands. He’s talking about love. Her face is all, “I got this in the bag.”
He kneels. He pulls out the ring box from Bunda. He opens the ring box. Yep, it’s from Bunda. Bunda.
He’s proposing!
Her answer?
“Yep. 100%. Can we bone now?”
Because Frankston.
The ring doesn’t fit her. Things get a bit awkward.
They are kissing. Vader keeps trying to talk about feelings and journeys but Sam just macks on with him to shut him up. Good thinking, Sam.
I am crying. It’s over. My life has no meaning.
HOLD THE PHONE!
POST-FINALE CONTROVERSY
Channel 10 have cancelled all media interviews with Vader and Sam. Rumors are flying about thicker than Osher’s hair wax.
Someone’s pregnant. (Please let it be this)
Someone’s dead.
Someone cheated.
They broke up. SWEET VALLEY HIGH THEY ALREADY HATE EACH OTHER. Good one, Osher.
Social media is going off chops. The public is OUTRAGED!
I knew it. It was her extensions. They pushed him over the edge.
Lisa makes a statement via Instagram that she is not pregnant. Boo!
Oh the disappointment!
Then this…..
Evidently, Frankston was too far away for Blake
Luckily, Bachie has that pool of 24 rejected loser bachelorettes to choose from now.
I am dying with anticipation. In the meantime, I think I’ll go amuse myself with re-runs of Australian Idol 2004. I’ll never stop believing, Osher.
This is Bachelor 2014 over and out.
THE END.
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