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The Bachelor Season 4: Bring home the Banana

As Kim Craig nee Day once said, “I’m feeling a lot of feelings.” And I am. Along with just about everyone else in Australia. You can literally sense the collective annoyance, yet relief that this awkward Bachie journey has stumbled across the finish line.

Thin ice, Richie.

But once again, I’m getting ahead of myself.

REMEMBER WE’RE IN BALI GUYS! Rice paddies, nature, Buddhas, more rice paddies, water, temples, CULTURE!

Straight up we know it can’t be an overly eventful finale because we’re taken on a lengthy trip down memory lane to fill time. You gotta hand it to Osher Gunsberg – he knows how to work it when the chips are down. He regales everyone on Bachie Bananas’ “unforgettable” journey…but…was it though? Strange, yes. Repetitive, yes. Unforgettable? Nussomuch.

#unforgettable

But as we all know, there can only be one victor in the race for the Banana, so we gotta keep this train moving.

Cut to Richie doing some VERY serious sunset thinking. He says a lot of words like adventure, journey, Bali, sunset, love, and decisions. Poor guy must have worked extra hard at memorizing those cue cards last night.

And speaking of which, there’s an assistant producer on this show who should probably lose their job for not reminding Bachie that he doesn’t have read off his cue cards when he’s around his own family. I’m not even joking, he spoke to his mum and sister like he was trying to get them to sign up for a gym membership.

Although, Memorable Moment #1 goes to Mummy Bananas with her sassy response to Richie telling her where Northam is. She’s from WA…she knows.

Bachie excitedly tells his mum about all the cool and humiliating things he’s been forcing his harem of girlfriends to do over the last few weeks. And obviously before either of the remaining girls can bring home the Banana, they’ve gotta get past their final, slightly less humiliating obstacle – meeting Mummy and Sister Bananas.

Umm…can I just say something? Don’t get mad, but I don’t think I like Mummy Bananas all that much. Yes, it’s her job to come on here and grill the two women competing for her precious son. Buuuuuuut, I think the penny dropped for a lot of viewers last night; THIS is why Richie is such an awkward manchild – his mum. I mean, you cannot judge a girl for being a single mother when your own son has LITERALLY just dated 22 women at once.

She also demands to know if Alex has explained to 31 year-old Richie that children change your routine? Err…call me crazy…but shouldn’t he just know that? The Dark Knight Rises theme song plays in the background as Alex tries her best to defend her life choices to her communal boyfriend’s mother. This is bullshit.

Nikki has it no better though. She’s accused of being on the rebound and having the nerve to play games with Richie. Honestly, these two women made flipping fools of themselves for your son. THEY WRESTLED IN KANGAROO SUITS WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?!

It’s all making sense now…

I know I throw a lot of shade at this show and can sometimes get a little carried away with my talk on the women who compete in this, but all of a sudden I feel myself getting very protective of both Alex and Nikki. This has never happened before. I’m a bit scared.

Basically though, once she’s finished with the two of them, Richie’s mum says the exact same shit Olena said to him yesterday but this time he actually takes it seriously without cracking the sads. I miss Olena.

This episode is starting to make me mad.

Time for the final dates!

NIKKI

Transport: Helicopter.

Memorable Moment #2: “Omigod is that a volcayyynoo?”

Richie says he has this super “unique” experience planned for Nikki for their final date. What will it be?? Bintangs on Kuta beach? No. He takes her to go look at a temple and have her shit stolen by monkeys. Paint it however you want, but those monkeys are terrifying and likely to be carrying some kind of tropical disease – I’ve seen Outbreak.

ROMANCE!

A girlfriend and I went to Bali earlier this year and I legit feel like our trip down a river rapid in plastic helmets was more romantic than this.

I just cannot take her telling him he’s the most incredible man she’s ever met anymore. Girlfriend, please stahp it, you’re too good for this! Gawd if he doesn’t choose her I’mma be bloody devastated.

ALEX

Transport: Yacht.

Memorable Moment #3: “I wanted to read you my poem I wrote for you…again.”

Just when I thought you’d won me over, Alex, you’ve lost me again. Having said that, at least there aren’t any rabid monkeys to contend with, so I guess that’s a win.

They go swimming. And I think that’s all I have to say about that.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

Final poolside thinking. Nature, Bali, water, pool, thinking. Much Bali. Richie just isn’t sure which blonde is the right blonde for him…or does he. All of a sudden he’s saying all this stuff about having to follow his heart, so maybe between the monkeys and the poems he realised which girl has proven herself worthy of the Banana.

The two girls do the usual thing of thoughtfully putting on their makeup and perfume and looking in the mirror and telling themselves the man who made them care for robot babies and eat animal innards is going to choose them.

And that’s where my Bachie Dress Theory comes in. It isn’t Nikki, the clear favorite, who is going to win. It’s Alex who’s in the more pure, more virginal gold dress. They ALWAYS put the winner in the virginal dress. Anna, Sam, Snezana and now Alex. It’s a thing, guys, look into it. Nikki can no longer win because she is wearing red and only harlots wear red apparently.

Richie waits for the first limo to pull up so he can tell the poor woman in it that she is not worthy of his Cool Bananas.

AND WHAT DID I TELL YOU?

Oooh it’s bad. It’s so bad. But Nikki, you’re a class act; I couldn’t f*cking watch. Even she knows she’s too good for this.

You still look bangin in that red dress, babe.

Look, there’s nothing I love more than being proven right, but I dunno if that was worth it.

THE COLOUR OF THE DRESS MEANS EVERYTHING!

So now we know – Alex is about to take home the Banana. I mean, as if he wasn’t going to pick the single mum. You don’t take the single mum all the way to the finale then dump her, otherwise that means you are the biggest douche canoe ever in the whole world. We really should have seen this coming, guys.

Obviously she is stoked and the two of them collapse into an awkward fit of laugh-crying. And while we’re on this super close up shot, what the hell is that thing they have put around Alex’s neck? What what what is it? Now this is over, someone get rid of it and put her in a pair of denim shorts and Havianas like everyone else is Bali!

We’re just so…LUCKY. Ha ha!

Guys, Australia is MAD. Like, really mad. This could go Blake Garvey level.

At least it’s over. Even this guy cannot wait to get the funk outta here…

Where’s my AIR ASIA flight, suckers?

Okay Georgia Love…it’s all on you now, babe. I’m ready for some table-flipping…

Tags: alex, Bachelor 2016 Finale, Bachelor finale, bachelor richie, Channel 10, channel ten, nikki, osher, recap, richie and alex, Richie chooses Alex, richie strahan, The Bachelor, the bachelor 2016, The Bachelor Au, The Bachelor Au finale, the bachelor australia, the bachelor australia recap, The Bachelor Recap, the bachelor recaps, the bachelor s4 ep16, The Bachelor Season 4, thebachelor, thebachelorau, TheBachelorAustralia

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Categories Uncategorized

The Bachelor Season 4: Bintang, done that.

15 Sep

Truth bomb: This may be the shortest, most non-eventful recap I’ve ever done and I feel like I’ve done it a million times; I am RUNNING ON EMPTY, GUYS. I promise I will throw in as much random funny shit from the internet to try and make it seem better. I mean, this is what would normally be the Dates With No Time Limits (yes, I’m STILL bitter, get over it) so nothing is ever going to live up to it, but come on. If it wasn’t for Olena I would basically have nothing to say. But one thing at a time…

Bachie Banana warms up for a long evening of being beige with some poignant stretching, pond-side weights and pond-side sit ups.

Can pond.

He’s going to take his three blondes on a trip and he’s very worried about having to pick which one is the natural blonde because he cannot possibly end up with a fake blonde as his wife. Osher isn’t even here to help him. Either they couldn’t afford to pay him or he’s legit thrown in the towel and gone the f*ck home.

AIR ASIA FLYING TO A FOREIGN COUNTRY! AIR ASIA FLYING TO A FOREIGN COUNTRY! Give me a free flight to a foreign country! (I am not so much kidding about this one – I would love me some travel voucher.)

The big international trip on AIR ASIA is to, as Richie keeps calling it, “Indonesia.” Which is just Bali, the bogan tourist capital of Straya. At the very least, they’ve learnt their lesson from last year when they went to some shitty fishing town in Sydney and it just rained the whole time. From what I can recall, Snezana got taken on a funking walk to the beach as her final date. So I guess this is a step up.

Can I have a free flight, please?

So much Bali. Many Indonesia. Bintang. Tourists. Nasi Goreng. You know the drill.

How bout now??

ALEX

If nothing else, Alex should win a medal for laughing the most over his terrible jokes. They ride bikes through the rice paddies and they say beautiful and pretty a lot and Richie makes bad puns and Alex shrieks as if she’s been kept in a dungeon devoid of humor by some creep who wants to bone her…oh wait….

Everything you say is just so FUNNY!!

Gush gush gush. There’s a lot of gushing and kissing with tongue.

Alex wants to know if Richie would move to Melbourne because obviously she’s the one with the “big responsibility” child and Richie pretends to entertain the idea but we all know Bachie don’t move nowhere for nobody.

They arrive at a Random Fancy Rotunda, where Alex exclaims that, “It’s so beautiful” and Richie replies with, “just like you.” Vomit.

There is an attempt at injecting some der-rama into the scene with Richie pretending to worry that his mum and sister might not know how to react to their son dating a blonde who has pushed out a human from her vagina. But considering his own mum is/was a single mum, I’mma say it ain’t gonna be a problem, but what would I know. Nice try, assistant producer.

NIKKI

Bachie Bananas is super excited to see the obvious winner and says he’s going to share everything he loves about Bali with Nikki. Yah, because you love her and you’re going to pick her.

Nikki seems wayyyy too excited and grateful considering she’s been here twelve times. TWELVE TIMES?! Ooohh…that’s right she’s from the country. I get it. Carry on.

You mean, we get to go to the beach again?!

Bachie Bananas tries to say he hasn’t seen an adventurous side to Nikki just yet, demonstrating that memory loss of his is still a bit of a problem. I don’t know exactly what you classify as adventurous, Richie, but remember when she ate lamb’s guts and beat up other girls in kangaroo suits, babe?

Remember dis?

Anyway, the producers try to create an interesting date where they go to the beach and go on some flying fish water sports activity out the back of a hotel. But to me it kinda felt like this…

Gush gush gush. There’s more gushing and more kissing with tongue.

It’s very beige and they are obviously in love. The end.

Although I did giggle when Richie said,”Good times, good times,” before going in to pash her. Spot on, mate. Straya. Romance.

OLENA

Just when I thought the ads for Lady Bachie were more exciting than this episode, in walks Kween Olena.

Olena is obviously a massive bitch because she hasn’t said she loves him already. Because she realises that she doesn’t really know this guy all that well. And she realises they literally live on opposite sides of the country, and you know, that might be, like, a f*cking problem.

Poor Richie is confused about whether he likes her for realz or whether he just wants to bone her, so if any date has the potential to be interesting, it’s this one.

Bachie Bananas is super keen to find out what Olena’s parents said about him because, despite constantly saying it’s more important to follow your own heart, we are in desperate need of some der-rama and that is obviously important to him all of a sudden.

Kween Olena straight up tells him her parents didn’t really have an opinion because they met him for half an hour and they were being filmed for national television. I am gobsmacked this vessel of rationality has survived this long in the game.

Richie agonizes over this highly controversial piece of information for, like, their entire date which consists of them surfing and drinking on the beach.

He decides to “confront” her because how very dare her parents have nothing less than sunshine and rainbows to say about him and what follows then is an amazing ten minutes of Richie cracking the sads that Olena isn’t saying what he wants her to and Olena not giving a sh*t about it.

OLENA: I just feel like long distance relationships are really hard.

RICHIE: Yeah, but, what about my feelings?

OLENA: Look, I like you and stuff, but I don’t know how this would work, to be honest.

RICHIE: WHY AREN’T YOU OPENING UP TO ME AND TELLING ME YOU LOVE ME?!

OLENA: Kthanxbyyyeeee.

Yeah, nah.

Olena is just heaven throughout the whole exchange. Bachie basically loses his bananas over her rational arguments about long distance, even though he knows he was never going to uproot his life for her, and she comes back with, “You were livin in a fairytale.”

Yas kween. Thank god for Foxtel, because I totally hit rewind a couple of times just to enjoy that again. And again.

Bachie be MAD.

ROSE CEREMONY

Bye bye Olena. There is literally no reason for me to even be writing this. Srzly Channel 10 I don’t even know why you’re bothering with the Batman soundtrack because we all know what’s happening. Olena knows and she doesn’t give any f*cks.

When he finally puts her out of her misery and tries to explain that dumping her had absolutely nothing to do with the fact she had an opinion different to his, he tells us that,”Saying goodbye to Olena wasn’t really that difficult.”

This guy. What a sweetheart.

Olena can not get on an AIR ASIA flight quick enough back to a world where logic exists.

On the plus side, the filler episode before the finale is over and we can all just look forward to actual finale tonight where Nikki’s blonde hair will take the Bachie crown.

ALTHOUGH!

After seeing the preview for the finale, I’m having a couple of doubts – they uuuuusually dress the winners in gold/white/some kind of virginal hue. And Nikki is going to be wearing red. Alex is in a gold sequinned number… I’m just saying…

How bout now?

Tags: alex, Bachelor 2016 ep15 recap, bachelor australia season 4, bachelor richie, bachelor s4 ep15, Channel 10, channel ten, final three, nikki, Olena, osher, recap, richie strahan, The Bachelor, the bachelor 2016, The Bachelor Au, the bachelor australia, the bachelor australia recap, The Bachelor episode 15 recap, The Bachelor Recap, the bachelor recaps, thebachelorau, TheBachelorAustralia

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Categories The Bachelor, The Bachelor Season 4

The Bachelor Season 4: Stuck in Richie’s Mud

1 Sep

After (another) forced hiatus, I’m back again. And what an episode to come back with, amiright??!!

Jks, it was not interesting at all.

Guys, is it just me or is this the most snore-worthy season of Bachie everrrr? I mean, maybe it’s the fact I’ve been watching, re-watching and writing about it for four years that literally nothing impresses my stone-cold heart anymore, but somehow, I don’t think that’s the case!

But let’s not spend this entire post bitching and complaining because that is totally not my style AT ALL…

What he said.

Obviously I have missed a decent chunk of Bachie Tribal Council because there are only seven bitches left. As usual, they are sitting around the Tuscan Mansion that Spotlight Built, as usual, talking about how much they miss their collective boyfriend and, as usual, worrying about who is going to get time alone with his Banana in exchange for some sort of humiliating task.

Intruder Lady (is it Steph? Steffy? I legit have no idea) is the only intruder left and is all like, “Haha, am I always gonna be that intruder girl to you all? Like in ten years are you still gonna call me that? Haha!” And the others are all like, “Haha, no babe, not at ALL…. But srzly, yes you are. We can’t wait for you to go.”

As usual, Osher shows up in some sort of lovely Roger David number and gives them all a quick maths lesson to explain how important it is that they go on more than one date with the man who may become their future Logies escort. The date goes to Nikki. It’s her second; she is blonde (tick), pretty (tick), and doesn’t cause any drama (tick). She is probs going to win.

SINGLE DATE

Apart from Nikki’s slayin leather pants (dayum, gurl!) and Richie showing up in Foghorn Leghorn’s car, the whole thing is super funking beige.

Real life reenactment of Nikki getting picked up.

Bachie Bananas takes Nikki to Australia’s third-oldest pub because she’s a country girl and obviously loves pubs and hay bales. I legit don’t understand why they take country girls on country dates? Don’t these poor women get enough of that farm shit at home?! It would be akin to a guy saying to me, “Hey you like to write stuff, so I thought I would take you to Officeworks!”

(No, but srzly, I would actually love that. I guess my argument is now moot.)

I can pretty much narrow down their entire date to one repeated conversation:

*The theme song from Beaches plays in the background*

Richie: I’m really looking forward to picking up where we left off.

Nikki: Yeah because you’re perfect for me.

Richie: Wow, yeah, haha, well it’s just so great to pick up where we left off.

Nikki: I agree. You’re just like, the perfect guy for me.

Somebody make it stop.

At this point my computer crapped itself and I could only hear the episode while staring at a frozen image of a Lite’n’Easy meal. I actually do not think it made an ounce of difference. It sounded like they went to some other country-themed location, probably equipped with a Random Sex Couch (and cheese, hopefully) while a cool band called The Morrisons played country music for them. Because country.

What I imagine The Morrisons looked like.

Dancing, kissing, kissing, dancing, face touching, talking, kissing, awkward laughing, talking, face touching, kissing, Nikki admits she’s fallen in love after two dates. The end.

I actually think looking at the Lite’n’Easy meal was more entertaining. I mean, it WAS Roast Chicken, but still…

GROUP DATE

Yeaya! It’s an All-In. There are only seven of them so the producers need to squeeze every single drop of potential der-rama and bitchiness out of this. They continue to play villain music every time Rachel says something mildly honest because she is obviously the not-so-brunette villain now that my spirit animal, Keira, got the boot. Poor Rachel. As they say, it’s hard out there for a ~~pimp~~ brunette.

The girls worry that they’ll have to shove lamb guts down their throats again and so seem legitimately relieved when they discover they simply have to struggle through a mud-covered obstacle course. Because perspective.

Bachie Bananas explains that they’re gonna, “get down and dirty” and unfortunately, that’s not a euphemism. They will actually be running through the dirt and nature in their own Tough Mudder challenge. I would never even consider competing in Tough Mudder for the real-life satisfaction and achievement, let alone to win ten minutes of time with a brunette-discriminating ropes technician.

The twist today, however, is that they won’t be competing against each other.

PARDON? WHAT IS THIS MADNESS?!

No, no. Apparently they are going to “work together”. To win a challenge only one of them can actually win. Yeah this makes total logical sense.

They climb over walls, jump into ice buckets and wriggle through mud together, all the while bitching about who is standing closest to Richie and how much they don’t actually care about working as a team. Rachel makes some very relevant bitchy jokes about how they all suck because they’re blonde and, again, she’s the only brunette which isn’t actually true because Kiki is still there, plus she’s more a J.Lo-esque bronde, so….

Yay! Teamwork!

Olena pulls out the big guns ifyouknowwhaddamean and challenges Bachie Bananas to a one-on-one mud race. He agrees awkwardly, visibly worried that he is going off-script here and might have to end up paying for the sponsor-gifted muscle singlet he’s wearing. Olena does a total Randall from Monsters Inc and crawls through that mud like she has reptilian blood.

THEN she seals the deal by pouring an entire water bottle over herself to hose off in front of Richie, NBD. Needless to say, his Cool Bananas are no longer able to remain very cool and she wins the challenge.

Don’t. F*ck. With. Olena.

Sitting on their Random Sex Couch, Olena basically reminds him that she ate mud for him so he better kiss her/tell her she’s beautiful/give her a rose or else. He does all of these things because Olena now has magic sexy water bottle powers over him.

ROSE CEREMONY

Also super boring because, as stated earlier, seven bitches equals not a lot of drama. I don’t even think the newly instated Batman vs Superman soundtrack can save this one.

Single Mum Alex is convinced that Intruder Lady Sophie/Steph/Stacey is going home because when it comes to relationships, spending the most amount of time with a man is the number one way to win him over and take your deserving place at his side; screw the chemistry he may have with other ladies; that is NOT how love works, y’all.

Alex explains it all.

Overly Bubbly Blonde Faith is doing her usual thing of being blonde and staying positive, also assuming that her super deep connection with Bachie Bananas will win her another week in the Mansion over Intruder Lady With Name Starting With S.

I really hate to break it to these girls, but, despite her controversial Intruder-status, Name Starting With S is still a flaxen-haired female, so she is in with a raging chance.

I also wanna say Bachie Bananas wears his camp purple velvet suit as an homage to the late, great, Gene Wilder, but somehow I just don’t think he’s that creative. (And also, this was probably filmed eight months ago.) So let’s just go on the assumption that he does his best Willy Wonka impression to distract us from the fact that he is a total brunette-hater and gives Intruder Lady a rose early in the ceremony because she is not a brunette.

It’s down to Kiki and Overly Bubbly Blonde Faith who, all of a sudden, has lost a lot of her bubble.

Not that she needed to worry because Kiki gets the boot. Because she isn’t blonde. Are you picking up what I’m putting down here?

All this mud and exercise has left both Rachel and Faith extremely disorientated and emotionally exhausted because they practically collapse onto each other; thankful and relieved that their shared ropes technician boyfriend has allowed them to survive another week.

No, THIS is what perspective looks like.

And so ends both the journey of another non-blonde bachelorette and another fairly beige episode.

Alex better either go postal on erryone or invite them all into the White Rose Sex Den for some real group dating or I am going to need some serious substance assistance to keep this interesting…

So close to being blonde…so close.

Tags: bachelor australia, bachelor australia 2016 episode 11, bachelor australia s4 ep11, bachelor richie, Kiki, Kiki gets the boot, nikki single date, Olena, osher, richie, richie strahan, single mum alex, The Bachelor, the bachelor australia, The Bachelor Australia 2016, the bachelor australia season 4, the bachelor season 4 episode 11, the bachelor tough mudder, thebachelor, thebachelorau, TheBachelorAU season 4

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Categories Celebrity/Pop Culture, The Bachelor, The Bachelor Season 4

The Bachelor Season 4: Like moths to the (Non-Olympic) flame

12 Aug

Do Channel 10 know they don’t have the broadcasting rights to the Olympics?

Tonight was all about the sport, including faux-Olympic flames and podiums, which leads me to believe that the big guys at 10 are trying to pull the wool over our eyes. That, or jump on the Rio bandwagon without having to pay royalties.

The bitches are all casually chilling in their Tuscan kitchen in their black chokers and faux leather skirts lamenting their lack of Banana action. Keira’s lady parts are particularly frustrated when she asks, “Am I just here to look good?” Yeah babe. That’s what you’re all there for. Well, that and make fools of yourselves every couple of days in animal suits. Obviously.

Chandler Gunsberg rocks up in his best khaki shirt and, SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! He has TWO date cards at once! No one can take it. You would have thought he’d just produced a live bunny rabbit from his shirt sleeve. How does he DO it?!

GROUP DATE

In a fantastic display of Bachie logic, my new spirit animal Keira complains about having to go on the clearly sports-themed group date. She wonders why they can’t just sit around and chat with their communal boyfriend instead of competing against each other? Which seems a legit question considering this show is precisely about 25 women competing against each other for their communal boyfriend. (Are you getting as sick of this joke as I am?)

The competitors arrive at some place where I’m sure sport is played. There’s an actual funking podium erected in the middle (lol, “erected”) and of course the bitches get super excited about it. They woo-hoo and cheer enthusiastically as if they’re not there to humiliate themselves for a ginger.

But perhaps to placate commentators/feminists/general logically-thinking humans, the producers decide to make Bachie Bananas perform a slightly embarrassing task as well. He appears at the top of the stadium, running in with what appears to be a very poor imitation of the Olympic flame that one of the interns put together with sticky tape and tissue paper.

Career goals.

However, no-one dares say the word Olympics because Channel 9 will just shut this sh*t right down. Anyway, Richie gleefully runs in to light all the bitches’ flames. Again, more woo-hooing and jumping up and down. I can’t handle it. Srzly, this guy could take a dump and those girls’d throw him a parade.

One would think that all this unspoken Olympic-ness would mean relays and hockey matches. Mmm close, but add in humiliation aids such as inflatable balls and kangaroo suits. The first game involves the bitches getting into aforementioned giant balls and racing each other to the finish line. Faith says what everyone is thinking – “It made my day seeing those giant balls.” Also, every girl on Tinder, ever.

Bachie Bananas gifts us all with his imitation of the ladies running in their inflatable balls. Personally, nothing makes me want to take my clothes off more than the man I’m already competing for doing a smart-arse impression of me.

How did they get SO lucky?

If running like a hamster on a wheel wasn’t enough, they also have to put up with many Cupid jokes while shooting arrows at ~~each other~~ a heart target. Worse still is Bachie Bananas’ awkward yet overly enthusiastic commentary from the sidelines. “Awwwesome shot! Ha ha ha!” “Oh WOW! That was SOOOOO close! Ha ha ha!”

The final, grand installment is a wrestling match. Yes people, it has literally come to this. The bitches are going to wrestle each other for the chance to touch Bachie’s banana. Throw in Usher’s 2001 album and some Smirnoff blacks and you’ve got every guy I went to high school with’s fantasy. BUT! Because this is The Bachelor it would be unacceptable for them to just wrestle like common whores. No, they have to wear kangaroo suits. Like, I know I mentioned it in my last post, but seriously this show is basically It’s a Knockout with fake tan and roses.

“It’s a knockout! That’s the name of the game!”

Another reason why Keira may soon replace my regular spirit animal, (Professor McGonagal if you were wondering), is that she does not try one iota to mask her intense dislike for this whole exercise. She stands on the sideline with a sourpuss face that would give Queen Lizzy a run for her money. Bachie Bananas checks that she’s okay -“I’m not nervous. I just don’t wanna do it,” she replies. You can literally see all the f***s she does not give.

Above: Keira. (Also this was from the actual Olympics. Double reference!)

The other bitches are OUTRAGED at her blatant disrespect for Bachie Bananas and the fact that she is giving them all a bad name. One of them (don’t care who) then provides the million dollar line of the night: “At least pretend to like it. The guy you like is standing right there!” I have never been so proud to be the owner of a vagina.

Overly bubbly blonde Faith wins the Non-Olympics and the three place getters are legit presented with Bachie-themed medals on the podium. After accepting the gold, Faith is whisked away to a Random Fancy Couch on the other side of the stadium where she and Richie talk about…sports? Feelings? I don’t care. She gets a rose. They kiss. It’s all very white bread.

SINGLE DATE

Goes to Kiki. All I know about her is that she did nude modelling. She also refers to herself as a bogan and says Straya a lot. According to the card, her date will involve a lot of “going up and then coming down.” Don’t quote me on that, I just wanted to make sexual innuendo.

Hello ploise, there’s a helicopter! I bet you $100 it’s going to take them to some Random Fancy Couch somewhere in Sydney Harbor.

Oh I’m wrong. But I’m not far off. They go to a Random Fancy Table. It even has a Port-a-Chandelier hanging off of the boom cable. Don’t say the Bachie production crew aren’t afraid to improvise.

But then nothing interesting really happens at all. They talk about being themselves and… love I guess? It’s the verbal equivalent of elevator music. Except Bachie keeps stressing that he’s gotta find out if “there’s a spark there.” Now look, I barely passed Chemistry in high school, but if something is going to “spark” isn’t it pretty damn instant? Like, I don’t ever recall casually waiting around for 20 minutes while electrons attempted to combust with an oxidizing agent. (I have no idea if that is actual science.)

The whole non-eventful date over, Kiki returns to the Mansion that Spotlight Built with a rose in hand. The other bitches crowd around their Tuscan benchtop to grill her about this controversial spark everyone’s talking about. According to Bachie Logic, sparks = kissing and Kiki straight up tells them the date was sans kiss. None of the women are any good at being shocked.

Oh? You didn’t kiss?

ROSE CEREMONY

My Spirit Animal Keira arrives in what is pretty much the most slayin red onesie I’ve ever seen. When her fellow prisoners tell her she looks super hot tonight, she be like, “Um…I look like this all the time, so…”

Do you need another reason to love her?

Buoyed by the recent shower of compliments, Keira cracks an actual smile when BB approaches her for some alone time. They go over to the swing set/Random Fancy Garden Couch and Richie tries to persuade Keira that she secretly loved wearing a kangaroo suit for him but they end up just doing their awkward waltz again under the wisteria. Meanwhile, a handful of the other girls congregate poolside and poorly pretend not to be watching them with their night vision goggles. Alex is in tears that her shared manfriend is dancing with Keira Farquardt – the Evil Queen Who Doesn’t Like Kangaroo Wrestling. The others agree emphatically and prove that no one ever told them that the acceptable way to deal with jealousy is to drink until you can’t feel your feelings.

This looks super fun.

The rest of the evening consists of Alex crying and the remainder of the lady buffet sitting around waiting for their ~~f***boy~~ ginger to ask them to go sit on a couch. Snore.

Eventually the actual Rose Ceremony starts and Chandler Gunsberg provides his always astute Bachie maths – something something roses, something something ladies. One lady will go home. By the looks of things, it’ll probably be another brunette, so I dunno what Alex has been sniveling about.

(*Side Note* It’s so nice to hear the Batman score still pumping away in the background like what what. It’s very comforting.)

Each time Bachie Bananas says another bitches name, you can almost see the arrows piercing through Alex’s already bleeding heart. Bet she wishes she tried a bit harder at the Non-Olympics, amiright?

But she really had nothing to worry about because, in the spirit of Olympic patriotism, Richie eliminates the Russian to keep his white Australia team together.

Soz, Russia.

Sasha goes home and Alex lives another day to cry over not using her White Sex Rose.

Ahhh… the spirit of the game.

Tags: alex, Alex cries on the bachelor, bachelor australia 2016, bachelor australia s4 ep6, bachelor australia s4 ep6 recpap, Bachelor Games, bachelor richie, bachie, bachie bananas, kangaroo wrestling, keira, Kiki, Olympics, osher, richie strahan, Sasha sent home, The Bachelor, the bachelor 2016, the bachelor australia, The Bachelor Season 4, thebachelor, thebachelorau

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Categories The Bachelor, The Bachelor Season 4

The Bachelor Season 4: Somebody did put Baby in the corner

11 Aug

Like a parent discovering Facebook for the first time, I am very late to this party. Please accept my most sincere apologies. For those of you who didn’t catch it, I’ve been overseas in the US of A for the last few weeks and, due to my over-confident, devil-may-care attitude (i.e. lazy) I assumed I would still be able to tune in to everyone’s fav wifey competition each week via the magic of the interwebs. OH HOW WRONG I WAS! Curse you Geoblocks/Firewalls/Scary Sounding Things That Stop Me From Streaming The Bachelor.

Whatever Trevor. Let’s look on the bright side; I CAN WATCH BACHIE AGAIN! WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE!

Before I launch into this week’s post, allow me to stretch my sarcasm muscles and share a few thoughts on what I did manage to see over the last fortnight:

The new Mansion That Spotlight Built is v v Under the Tuscan Sun. I hope this is a nod to an upcoming international trip because last year’s finale in someone’s backyard in Sydney was bulls***.
I FUNKING TOLD YOU THE WHITE ROSE WAS A SEX ROSE!! Don’t try and mask it with fancy phrases like, “White Rose Hideaway” and other crap. SEX. ROSE. God I love it when I’m right.
Osher is skinny again. I’m afraid he’s doing a Matthew Perry on Friends circa 1995-1998. Fat Chandler – Skinny Chandler – Fat Chandler – Skinny Chandler. (Osher’s new nickname is Chandler Gunsberg, btw.)
Richie is the best/worst Bachelor ever. Best because he’s super adorbs and awkward and worst because super adorbs and awkward gets annoying after a while.
Erryone is talking about Keira and her bitchy jaw. Obviously she is heaven.
FYI, black 90’s chokers are officially back.

So jaw. Much choker.

Okay. I’m ready.

It’s the Ovaries Test episode! I mean, is it just me, or does it feel like it’s come way too early? (Insert sex joke here. Also “insert”. Lol.)

The unsuspecting bitches have gathered around the Tuscan kitchen in their best Peter Alexander floral ensembles and knee socks; “Just LOOK at us having a cute pajama party together! A few more Irish coffees and we’ll probs take our tops off!” Boys, if you are reading this, you are lucky if I wipe the crusty sleep out of my eye as I stumble out of bed that early in the morning. Because reality.

To add to the totally unforced realism, the bitches all sing about how they hope the group date involves all of them going out together and pretending they’re making acceptable life choices.

Except Keira. Keira just wants that Bachie Banana Split, ifyouknowwhaddamean.

SINGLE DATE

Chandler Gunsberg arrives just in time to stop the naked pillow fighting to give out the single date card. Alex, the girl who, through a lot of subtlety from Channel 10, I have gleaned to be the single mum gets the single date. Cue lots of discussion about how unfair it is that Bachie Bananas is taking out one of his girlfriends in a competition where lots of girlfriends compete for Bachie Bananas. Srzly, I don’t know how many more seasons I can keep commenting on how moot this argument is.

To rub salt in the wound, BB picks Alex up in front of all his other girlfriends who pretend to give a f***.

BB and Alex make a lot of small talk about their time in the White Rose Hideaway/Rose Nest or whatever other euphemism they’re trying to sell. WE KNOW IT’S A SEX DEN, GUYS! Although, I’d probs take Alex to a sex den myself, considering she’s got a bloody impressive rack for someone who’s nursed a human baby. I have no human babies and I’m lucky if my boobs don’t hit me in the face when I lie down. But I digress…

Because Alex is a single mum and probably doesn’t have time to pamper herself, the producers are doing a Pretty Woman and calling in ALLLLL the corporate sponsors to make it look like BB has dolla dolla bills to throw around. I mean, he takes her to the Camilla store! (I’ve never shopped there, but from what I can tell they sell very camp kaftans for rich white ladies that cost more than my first car did.) Bachie Bananas very expertly explains why they’re there:

“Girls love clothes. – R. Strahan, 2016.

What follows is a montage of Alex trying on overpriced dresses and Richie commentating everything she does. Srzly, is he trying out to be a commentator for the Olympics? Because we only need one Bruce McAvaney, babe.

Bruce for Bachie 2017

But I’m distracted then by the silly girl at Camilla telling Richie (and all of Australia) about the Undie Tuck. STOP REVEALING OUR SECRET, GURL! But no matter, because then BB and Alex stop off at their first Random Fancy Couch (good to see Channel 10 sticking to traditions) and guess what? It’s…………… in the Camilla store! Romaaaaaaaance!

After paying for Alex’s new dress kaftan with his tears, BB chauffeurs his lady date to the next Random Fancy Couch. This time it’s in the lobby of the Intercontinental Hotel. Did I mention Intercontinental Hotel? It’s a hotel and it’s very Intercontinental. #sponsorship. Meanwhile, just out of frame, some poor hotel worker is scraping leftover potato wedges from someone’s room service tray into a bin.

Can I have a free holiday now?

Of course talk turns to the BIG DEAL of Alex having a kid. BB puts on his focusing face and tells her he knows it’s a BIG DEAL and uses a lot of words like “responsibility” and “serious”. But you can totally tell he’s just trying to speed through this BIG DEAL talk to get her up onto the balcony where there’s another X-Factor reject ready to awkwardly serenade them. (His name is Allan Stone. He actually looks way cool.)

Hoping to remove the memory of their BIG DEAL talk through oral lobotomy, BB goes in for the kill and THERE IS MAJOR TONGUE!

Thank you internet.

GROUP DATE

Back at the Mansion That Tuscany Built, the women are rudely awoken by a noise that very few of them seem to recognize; the sound of crying fake babies. Upon discovering their new robot friends in the living room, most of them react as if a crazy drunk has broken in and tied up their families. No one gave them the memo that they must prove their ovaries to be maternal else risk being branded unlovable non-women who don’t deserve Bachie banana.

Except for Nikki, who is cooing and cradling her fake baby like Mary and the baby Jesus. She even names it Nina. Before she discovers it has a penis. Mother of the Year right there.

Megan, on the other hand, is not impressed by the whole exercise, even when she discovers that the not-at-all-obvious-attempt-at-equality-black-baby is hers.

She still doesn’t even try to pretend to give a f*** when Chandler Gunsberg swans in, announcing that this torturous chamber of baby hell IS the group date. Over on the Tuscan bench top, Keira has the realization that this is the first group date she HASN’T been on…

Keira be like…

Another girl I’ve never noticed before (is it Noni?) tells us how bloody happy she is to also not be included on the date because she couldn’t even stand to look after a baby for an hour, let alone an entire day. Obviously she is going home very soon and will be damned to Hades for not having acceptable ovaries.

Speaking of ovaries though, every damn one in the room explodes in a Mardi Gras parade of yearning lady parts when Bachie Bananas arrives with his very own fake baby strapped to his chest. All the bitches put on their best concentrating faces while trying not to fantasize about Richie carrying their own little Baby Banana (for realz, a guy straps a fake baby to his chest and all of a sudden he’s Man of the Year – Champion of Lady Boners. It’s actually a joke.) BB tells them all he has room for one more lucky lady on their Ovary Date. Obviously it’s going to be No Feelings Noni, but poor Eliza definitely didn’t get that memo…

She can barely keep a lid on it.

As I suspected, Noni is chosen to put her uncaring ovaries to the test with not just one, but two fake babies. TWINSIES! She looks super happy about it. I believe the phrase, “…worst day of my life,” is used. Yay motherhood!

The five lucky bitches are then taken to the most obvious place a new parent would take their new plastic baby – Putt Putt. For realz, this show is becoming less like The Bachelor and more like It’s a Knockout.

All of them except for Nikki are super sh*t at being maternal. When Megan puts token black child down on the golf green so she can putt, she proves that you really CAN put baby in the corner. Who knew?

Blah blah, Nikki wins the ovaries test.

Her prize is to spend ten whole minutes on a Random Fancy Couch talking about feelings with BB. Snore.

ROSE CEREMONY

Because Keira didn’t feature heavily in this episode, (I’m assuming) the evening is therefore low on der-rama. Sensing this terrible mistake, the productions assistants tell Nikki to tell Alex and the other girls that she kissed their communal boyfriend. Alex looks pissed that her communal boyfriend she is competing for pashed one of the…. you know what, I don’t care. We’ve covered this.

Do Intercontinental know about this betrayal?

BUT THEN! Some weird girl called Eliza gets Bachie Bananas alone on the couch and, NBD, pulls out a blue rose thing from her bra. She explains that this Boob Rose is a little celebration of her being a weirdo. And then I get really sad because I’ve just met this amazing Boob-Rose-Maker but she’ll definitely be going home now because Channel 10 are using that music from The Simpsons when Lisa has to play the jar instead of her saxophone. And cutting to lots of shots of Richie’s uncomfortable face. Apparently red roses and white sex roses are the only acceptable roses in Bachie Bananas’ house.

Waaaaah!

I’m not even going to break the ceremony down. Eliza gets sent home to make more boob roses.

She should totes open an Etsy shop.

I just wanted to include this somewhere.

Tags: alex, babies, bachelor richie, bachie, bachie bananas, camilla dress, Channel 10, episode 5, keira, nikki, osher, ovaries test, richiestrahan, roses, The Bachelor, the bachelor 2016, the bachelor australia, The Bachelor Recap, thebachelor, thebachelorau, thebachelors4ep5, thebachelorseason4

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Categories Celebrity/Pop Culture, The Bachelor Season 4

Can we please have your dignity?

20 Apr

Has reality television turned us all into a*******?

They say sex sells, but shame and failure are way better. See, I really wanted to hate Married at First Sight. I promise I did. But I have a dirty confession; not only have I watched it, but I also kind of love it in the worst way and I DON’T KNOW WHY!

Actually, that’s a lie.

I do know.

It’s because, deep down, I’m a bit of an a**hole.

Ironically, my new obsession with MAFS comes at about the same time as my Bachie nemesis, Blake Garvey, a.k.a. Blake Vader, announced his tragic split from Lipstick Louise via a poignant breakup shoot with New Idea. Yes, you read that correctly. They legit got together on some windy beach-side lookout and posed for photographs looking forlorn and heartbroken. Relationship goals AF.

And a big part of me has absolutely revelled in it. The deep-voiced, shallow-minded lothario and his controversial third-choice bride have given back their Bunda rings and commemorated it with a flipping GLAMOUR SHOOT! It’s heaven on a stick. (On the other hand, another, somewhat smaller, part of me is sad I won’t be able to make sarcastic jokes about their beige wardrobes and personalities anymore, but that’s just a cross I’ll have to bear.)

This is a thing and it really happened. (Image via New Idea)

But through these two reality television goldmines, what’s really become super clear to me is just how much we enjoy watching people suffer. And not just us, the viewing public of Australia, but the very contestants themselves. Apparently sacrificing their dignity, their bodies, their emotional well-being, and anything else remotely sacred is the only way wannabe television stars can make a coin these days. Forget the happy endings, we wanna see you tear shreds off!

Take Monday night’s ep of Married at First Sight for example. Although the surface-level focus was the anticipated meet up of all the couples and their incessant arm-stroking at Bilbo Baggins’ house, anyone with half a brain knew that it was really about Jono and Clare breaking up and the ensuing awkward AF dinner party showdown. And the other contestants kind of loved it. It was legit all they could talk about. I mean, they put in a solid effort pretending to care, but really the smugness was palpable…

Ohhh…you’re not together anymore?

The psychologists kept saying that Jono and Clare were matched for a reason, but unless that reason was to make good television out of emotional turmoil, I’m fresh out of ideas as to why these two people were married in the first place. Sources tell me that Clare suffered through an abusive relationship in the past, and so she was expertly paired with a man who lost his shit at a couch in Ikea. Obvi it had serious potential from the start, guys. But perhaps the best and most telling part of the whole shemozzle was the serious “psychological support” Clare received from the three “experts” when she and Jono officially decided to split and she found herself sobbing alone in the middle of the Blue Mountains.

From left: Clare, John Aitken

And Australia loved it. It was a major talking point on Tuesday morning. But after a brief discussion with my fellow MAFS- addict and writer friend, we agreed that the schadenfreude doesn’t just stop at dating shows. Basically every reality tv program requires a significant element of suffering and embarrassment for us to want to tune in. And for what? Despite the small wins, occasional monetary remuneration and, at best, fleeting fame, what do the participants really gain from the whole experience? An entire nation of people enjoying their shame.

Because, deep down, we’re all a bit of an a**hole. But has reality television itself conditioned us to be this way?

So my friend and I played a little game. We decided to write the production briefs for some of Australia’s biggest reality shows. But in a much more honest way.

The Voice, X Factor and any others from the trolley of talent shows out there: Sure, sing us a beautiful song, but you ain’t gonna get any screen time unless you tell us about how you saw the life leave your little brother’s eyes after he was squashed by that tractor. For those of you not as fortunate to have a tragic backstory, don’t worry, we’ll put together montage episodes of all the really bad, delusional contestants who never had a hope of succeeding so that our viewers can have a good laugh. Maybe you can get on one of those.

Biggest Loser: We really want to help you lose weight, but we also really want to hear again and again how much you want to be a parent and keep dwelling on those failed pregnancies you suffered because of, you know… how overweight you are. And while we focus on all aspects of your health, we’re going to starve you on a low cal diet for weeks, then roll you through the middle of the Chadstone food truck festival and see if you eat your body weight in dim sims. Surprise! Temptation! But don’t forget to be healthy, kay?

The Block: Come on our show and we’ll ‘challenge’ you by ringing every drop of stress and anxiety out of your relationship while we give you a shitty budget, rush you through something you have never done before, but also don’t forget to stay in love with your partner and be attractive. (Meanwhile, did you see Cherie’s wall paper… hideous amirite?) Then deal with our smugness when your over-decorated apartment doesn’t reach reserve at auction and you realise you’ve worked your balls off for, like, $3000.

My Kitchen Rules: We’ll invite the biggest pack of a**holes in Australia, sit them around your dinner table and watch while your hope curdles like the cream you forgot to refrigerate as they pick apart all the reasons why you are a terrible cook and overall person.

Reality television is basically taking over. I’m not saying that it’s a bad thing, but I can’t help but worry that it’s only going to feed our hunger for suffering and embarrassment. Don’t get me wrong, I (and I think a lot of people) want to see Ordinary Joe realise his hopes and dreams, but not before he hands his dignity over.

Just like Blake and Louise did. At the end of the day, someone had to have OFFERED them that photoshoot. Or, at the very least, thought it was worth publishing. Because they knew Australia would love it.

I mean, really, would you ruin your life for a guest spot on Ready Steady Cook and a 2012 Hyundai Getz?

Tags: blake and louise break up, blake and louise new idea, Blake Garvey, Channel 10, channel 9, dating shows, jono and clare split, jonoandclare, Louise Pillidge, MAFSAustralia, married at first sight, marriedatfirstsightau, reality television, reality tv, The Bachelor, the bachelor australia, the bachelor blake and louise, thebachelorau

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Categories Celebrity/Pop Culture

Why can’t dating be more like ‘Perfect Match’?

30 Mar

Is it just me, or has the concept of new age dating and romance just about blown up to Death Star-size proportions of late?

If it wasn’t already clear through the endless wheeling out of new apps and websites promising true love with the click of a button, the significant increase in popularity (and in my case, obsession) with reality TV dating shows has pretty much cemented our collective addiction to dating. We love doing it, we love talking about it and we really love watching it. It is legit surprising anyone manages to get anything bloody done anymore.

But it seems we have taken a bit of a wrong turn of late and things are going rapidly south ifyouknowwhaddamean?

Australia’s rekindled romance with our home-grown version of The Bachelor in the last couple of years appeared to trigger an influx of new trashy programs, each with their own spin on both the dating game and relationships in general. There was Dating Naked; the more politically polarizing Married at First Sight; Dating in the Dark and now, more recently, First Dates and The Seven Year Switch. (Unfortunately, this post is NOT about The Seven Year Switch and it’s thinly veiled premise of straight-up adultery. But if it was, I would have all the opinions on it, don’t even worry.)

But I gotta say, none of these shows really measure up to the glory of Perfect Match. A stalwart of late 80’s television, Perfect Match was what gave my life meaning. Back when staying home on a Friday night with your parents was not only acceptable, but preferable; at my place that meant fish & chips and a can of Coke. When you’re seven, that is the equivalent of a bottle of red in your underwear.

Perfect Match was and is by far the best dating show ever created and anyone who disagrees is kidding themselves. Obviously I am going to explain exactly why that is. But first, please enjoy this nine minutes of 80’s heaven:

Five Reasons Why Perfect Match is Everything

Greg funking Evans

The host of the show and quintessential Stone. Cold. Fox. Evans kept the ball rolling and the jokes flowing. He was kind of like a hotter version of Andrew O’Keefe. When unsuspecting and nervous contestants would put their awkward foot in it, Evans had the kind of suave charisma and quick wit to smooth over any potential law suits or inappropriate sexual innuendos. Most of the female contestants secretly hoped to bone him and I do not blame them one bit.

Would swipe right

Dexter

I mean, who DOESN’T want to have their romance score with a potential Romeo calculated by a sassy robot? Srzly, it would make life a hell of a lot easier. Forget swiping right, or even sending endless kisses/winks/charms, Dexter did all that dirty work for you and delivered the results in a bowler hat and give-a-f*** attitude. (For the record though, what even is a “charm”? It just makes me think of Hogwarts. Not sexy. Unless we’re talking about the Weasley twins…damn those hot gingers…but I digress…)

#sass

The format

Essentially, Perfect Match operated on a process of elimination. Contestants started out with three possible matches who they were separated from by a v festive, pastel-coloured partition. They asked them each a question or two about dream dates and so on, then they picked one person from the line-up whose mullet they thought they could take home for a family BBQ. Basically, there was no reliance on physical appearance or abundance/lack of gym selfies. The contestants actually based their decisions on personality alone. If I really think about it, I can barely imagine a functioning world where this is a thing anymore.

So…no chance of sending nudes, then?

The holidays

Forget a badly disguised d*** pic; once contestants had chosen their “perfect match” for the evening, they were gifted with a flipping holiday! Newly matched pairs were flown to the Gold Coast or the Whitsundays with a TV crew who would capture every awkward moment in their budget motel rooms. The following week, their post-holiday interview would be screened, where one half of the couple would reveal their true love, while the other had to admit they just went on the holiday for the complimentary biscuits and ironing service.

Can I still choose Best Western?

The time slot

Guys, do I have to say it again? Perfect Match screened on a Friday night! It was like Date Night when you didn’t have a date. These days, the best thing you can hope for on TV should you find yourself alone on a Friday is Better Homes & Gardens or a smart repeat of The Shawshank Redemption. It’s like Reg Grundy and his production company KNEW that if you were gonna be flying solo, a chandy or two just wasn’t going to cut it.

Television, if you’re listening, THIS is how you do romance! Actually, I take that back. I don’t just mean television, I mean the world. For realz. I’ve had jack of all the apps and the swiping and the messaging. Put me in a wicker love seat and let me ask three dudes in pastel suits who they’d like to have dinner with dead or alive. I guarantee the results will speak for themselves. Because…

Like Peaches and Cream
And a Coach and her Team
Like Sand and the Seas
And the Birds and the Bees
Lie an Oyster and a Pearl
And a Guy and a Girl
What Have You Got?
You Got a Perfect…
Perfect…
Perfect Match!
It’s a Perfect Match!

Life goals AF

Tags: blind date, BlindDateAU, Channel 10, Channel7, dating, dating naked, dating shows, Dexter, first dates, FirstDatesAU, Greg Evans, Grundy, married at first sight, online dating, Perfect Match, perfectmatch, PerfectMatchAU, romance, seven year switch, The Bachelor, thebachelorau, tinder

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Categories Celebrity/Pop Culture, Uncategorized

The Bachelor Season 3: The War is Over

10 Sep

The battle is over and peace may reign again my friends.

Take from that what you will. It’s a spoiler, but whatever. Don’t tell me you didn’t see it coming.

Welcome to the episode I will affectionately refer to as “The Warm-Up to Home Visits”. For realz, tonight just kind of felt like some weird mormon speed-dating/psycho beach sex party thing that we had to get through so that Sam looks more legit meeting four women’s parentals tomorrow.

Usually around this time in the show, Bachie and his harem of lady meat are whisked away to some sort of tropical/foreign/far away place where they gush over scenery and do a lot of the same kind of shit they do at home but just with nicer back-drops.

Like, in 2013 they went to Western Australia with the final 8 and then to Thailand with the final 2. Last year they went….somewhere and then to Africa? Sorry, I’ve kind of blocked the whole Blake saga from my memory. But they definitely went somewhere tropical.

But, because this is 2015, the year of #budgetcuts, Woody and his final 5 are being whisked away from Sydney to…. a beach house just outside of Sydney. They are not even trying to hide the fact they have no money anymore. Unless they are saving erry goddamn penny for the finale to be set at the freaking North Pole. Or Richard Branson’s house.

#budgetcuts.

The five bitches all look super dooper excited to be all going away for the weekend to a beach house someone rented off an Air B’n’B sale. They are sitting around in the Rotunda (clearly after the last rose ceremony) and eagerly discussing how amazing it is that some guy from Tasmania has decided that they might be potential wives for him. They cannot wait to get started on their Non-Holiday.

Uh-Oh! Der-rama!

Mother Nature has cruelly turned on Bachie and his romance dreams and has made it piss down raining, how very dare she! Not to be deterred, Woody is staying positive about their getaway and whipping up a couple of cheese platters and some Monopoly to keep everyone entertained.

And you know what happens when you combine a beach house with torrential rain? It becomes A SEX HOUSE! Hooray!

Silver linings, people!

Basically what happens from this point onwards is that Woody takes each bitch on a quick mini-date to some sort of local “beachy” attraction and then to some kind of lounge room with a beach view. #beach

Lana

Guys, Lana is showing her cute, playful side! She’s wearing her panda beanie! Gosh, she’s so cute and zany.

I got this beanie in a foreign country.

Because she is a serious golfer, they trot off to hit a few balls at the driving range. Lana shows Woody how to drive his club straight and hard.

Woody is still clearly smitten with her and continues to marvel at how travel she is and then explains that he’s “always preferred women who are smarter” than him which really doesn’t narrow it down, I’m sorry.

Then they go sit on a couch in a room somewhere. Where are they? WHO OWNS THESE RANDOM LOUNGE ROOMS THEY GO TO?! I mean, is it Osher’s dressing room? What is going ON?!

Basically Lana has final 2 in the bag and is already planning the igloo they will live in in Iceland.

Snezana

Shit is going downhill FAST, because Parmigiana’s “date” is literally the two of them walking around Random NSW Beach Town in the pouring rain.

More #budgetcuts.

You gotta love the first few weeks of dating, don’t you? When you’re like, “Oh my god, a romantic walk in the rain? I’d LOVE that!”

Fast forward five years, and it’s more like, “Are you f*$#ing kidding me?!”

Amirite, ladies?

#beach date over, they head to another random lounge room.

Parmigiana has photos of Kiev to show to Woody because Kiev is her daughter. It seems to dawn on Woody at that very moment that Parmigiana has an actual daughter and not an imaginary daughter that she dreamt up in Health class. They start throwing words like “family” and “pressure” around and all of sudden Sam is trying to figure out a way to dig himself up from this family-shaped hole he has gotten into.

Heather

Heather is the lucky one of the bunch. She gets to go to an actual restaurant. Mind you, it’s one of those restaurants stuck onto a Best Western on the side of a highway, but hey, beggars and choosers and whatnot.

Because she is still the Cool Girl of the group, they do some cool things like eat teppanyaki and piss off the chef who just flings food at them like he couldn’t give a f*#%.

I better be getting paid for this.

Cool #beach activity over, they also retire to a couch and drink beer. Because Heather is cool. Only cool people drink beer.

But more der-rama! Woody is totes worried that he and Heather are slipping back into Friendzone because she insists on calling him awful things like “dude”. This is obviously just a ploy to trick us into thinking she might go home tonight, but we ALL know who that award’s going to so do not even try that on, Channel 10!

On the other hand, Cool Girl is “shitting herself” about home visits because apparently she doesn’t have a family? I’m very confused about what she’s going to do next week. Introduce Sam to her large collection of beanies?

Big questions to be answered.

Sarah

I basically have no idea what happened here because Busy Businesswoman has poured all of her personality into her job, how very dare she, and has none left to give this show.

SURPRISE! They too sit on a random vanilla couch somewhere and say vanilla things to each other.

Best. Date. Ever.

Nina

Oh Ninz. Erryone kind of knows your time is up except for you. This is made obvious through Sam’s pre-date interview that sounds very much like the speech you make right before you break up with someone and run off with their best friend to Bali.

And by “date” I mean they stand on the side of a canal and go fishing. And by “go fishing” I mean we watch awkwardly as Sam throws a fishing line out into the water like an 8 year-old girl and tries not to make eye contact with the woman he is clearly going to dump.

Nina is worried that, should she make it to home visits, her mum will try and cut her grass which makes me extra sad because we are definitely not going to see this happen.

How I imagine Nina’s mum.

Cut to (SHUT THE FRONT DOOR) another random lounge room where some thoughtful intern has left them a cardboard box of flake and minimum chips to snack on. #beach.

Woody lists every single thing he can think of about Nina that is a euphemism for “you’re too loud and annoying” because Woody only likes girls who are feminine and quiet and don’t have opinions but she doesn’t get the hint.

Boys, if you’re reading this, “I loved your energy” is pretty much the second worst thing you can ever say to a woman, just quietly.

Poor Nina is adamant that she can still prove to Woody that she is, deep down, really boring and submissive.

Don’t count on it, babe.

Cocktail Party!

Because Woody has spent sah much time and effort coming up with all these #beach speed dates, he has decided that he is DONE, and tonight, the bitches come to him.

This sends all the bitches into a tail spin as they internally debate the pros and cons of a woman approaching a man!

Nina uses the extra thinking time to remind us that the war between the Originals and Lana the Intruder is still going strong and the total horror of their communal boyfriend choosing a bitch he has known for 3 weeks over a bitch he has known for 3 months would be an absolute travesty of justice.

Hate to break it to you, babe, but there are no participation ribbons in the game of love.

Rose Ceremony!

After the world’s least riveting cocktail party of six people sitting around on more couches, the vibe has taken a dramatic nose dive.

Please don’t make us sit on more couches.

Because Lana is so very travel, she gets the first rose.

Parmigiana and Busy Businesswoman get the next two.

Leaving Heather and the leader of the Intruder vs Original Revolution, Nina. I told you Channel 10 were going to try and pull the Seed hand crafted wool over our eyes.

Heather is final 2, y’all. Ain’t no WAY she is going anywhere.

It’s curtains for Nina. And with her, the battle is over. William Nina Wallace has been sent to the gallows, or wherever loser revolution leaders go…

Never forget.

Join me tomorrow for the reason this whole episode existed: Home Visits!

Tags: bachelor australia 2015 ep 13 recap, beach dates, budget cuts, Channel 10, Heather, home visits, Lana, nina, osher, Sam Wood, Sarah, Snezana, The Bachelor, The Bachelor 2015, the bachelor 2015 episode 13, The Bachelor Au, The Bachelor Au Season 3, the bachelor australia, The bachelor Australia 2015, the bachelor australia recap, The Bachelor Recap, the bachelor recaps, The Bachelor Season 3, the bachelor season 3 ep 13, thebachelorau, TheBachelorAustralia

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Categories The Bachelor, The Bachelor Season 3

The Bachelor Season 3: The Colour Bored

4 Sep

Wow.

I never thought I would say this, but I am legitimately running out of bitchy, sarcastic things to say.

But it is definitely not my fault.

NOTHING INTERESTING IS HAPPENING ON THIS SHOW!

A part of me didn’t even want to write this post in protest for the complete lack of drama and effort on everybody’s behalf.

I thought we were off to a good start with Woody in his Rebel Sport getup, taking a leisurely early morning kayak to think about roses and feelings. Usually this means serious der-rama is going to go down.

I really hope something interesting happens today.

Meanwhile at the House that Spotlight Built: Something something Sam, something something, connections, something something GROUP DATE!

But first, let us get into our Nissans and show you all the amazing features it has for a Nissan while we drive to our date in a Nissan for five minutes.

Guys.

They are legit filling time by showing bitches in Nissans.

No.

Rachel says that “competing against other women for a man goes against every bone in my body.” At least it’s good to know she went to the same School of Logic as the rest of the bitches.

They’re at a warehouse. They talk about culture. Oh, sorry, I mean “kulcha”. Woody loves him some kulcha.

This week the bitches have to prove they are wife material by channeling their desire to bone Sam into art work. Sam pretends to be surprised that he has to topless model for them.

Off comes the kit and the bitches cannot even stem their flows.

Kulcha!

Blah blah blah muscles, blah blah abs.

All of them are pretty shit at art and kulcha, except Parmigiana who once drew an Aphrodite mural on her bedroom wall as a teenager. Because Aphrodite is the Goddess of Love. This show is about love. Woody is looking for love. Are you picking up on this this deep yet subtle connection?

More kulcha.

Post-artwork drinks turn into an everyday booze fest and Rachel says Sam needs to “sell himself” to her because this is her life as well as his.

Somebody GOTTA tell her that Tinder exists.

As if he has magically read her mind and wasn’t placed there by the assistant producer, Woody appears and they have one of the most terrible conversations I have ever witnessed. Rachel has the people skills of a hard-boiled egg and Woody just does his best to stop his man parts shrivelling up into his body.

As a prize for her amazing kulcha skills, Parmigiana and Woody go upstairs to Randomly Placed Ikea Living Room Display. Talk talk talk about Melbourne and Perth. Sam asks if she’d be willing to move cos, you know, there aren’t any children in WA for his business to thrive on so obviously it’ll be Parmigiana and Kiev makin all the effort.

Parma doesn’t even give two f*$%s about Perth and has already bought a plane ticket. Problem solved.

SINGLE DATE.

Still banging on those battle drums, Nina will not.let.it.go when it comes to the intruders. This original vs. intruder thing is so fecking boring I want to cut my ears off and mail them to her.

Whatever trevor, bloody Busy Businesswoman Sarah is down for Date #3. She is seriously date-lapping evrryone now.

Woody has only just picked her up at the front door and I’m already bored out of my brain. They are both vanilla.

In the limo, Sarah is gifted with her own pair of “diamond” earrings and I’m all of a sudden really confused as to how a bitch was just handed some Zamel’s jewellery without having to dig for it?!

“Omigod, I’ve never been given diamond earrings before!” Honey, you still haven’t. #budgetcuts.

SURPRISE! Now they’re at a fancy room/restaurant overlooking Sydney Harbour. What a refreshing CHANGE!

I literally do not know where the next ten minutes of my life went.

Nowhere interesting. Oh yeah, Sarah got a rose. Yawn.

ROSE CEREMONY.

Ummm….. I’m sure something interesting happened here? Maybe something to do with Nina and Rachel hating each other now because… because….um…. OH YEAH! Because Rachel is v v skinny and Nina is a fat slob because she doesn’t eat paleo and is obviously not worthy of Woody love.

Yep. Normally I would shamelessly cheer on any glimmer of drunken, illogical bitchiness, but when it comes to body-shaming for no good reason, you’ve lost me.

Rachel tries again to charm Sam with her skinny good looks and warm wit but fails miserably. All of the Real Housewives combined are better at this than her.

All of this extra screen time for Rachel can only mean one thing: Girlfriend is going home. Which is probably for the best considering how nasty she is, but at the same time, a damn shame due to her being the only one with fragments of a personality.

All Original bitches get roses. Nina is extremely happy about this. It’s down to Rachel and Lana and OBVIOUSLY Lana ain’t goin anywhere because she is sah travel and we all saw Woody lose his knickers over her last episode.

And yep…. she’s gone. No one cares. Including me.

Guys, I really don’t know what’s going on. People keep telling me that it’s mainly to do with the fact that Sam is legit there looking for real love and doesn’t want to lead anybody on.

WELL. If that’s the case, someone at Channel 10 ain’t doing their job properly.

Can someone please go and grow a personality? Kthnxbyyyyye.

Tags: bachelor australia 2015 ep 12, Channel 10, Lana, nina, Osher. Heather, rachel, Sam Wood, Sarah, Snezana, The Bachelor, The Bachelor Au, The Bachelor AU Episode 12, The Bachelor Au recap, the bachelor au recaps, the bachelor australia, The bachelor Australia 2015, the bachelor australia 2015 recaps, the bachelor australia season 3, the bachelor season 3 ep 12 recap, thebachelorau, TheBahcelorAU

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Categories The Bachelor, The Bachelor Season 3

The Bachelor Season 3: Eggs Over Easy

3 Sep

I think the message has really hit home this week, guys….

Wife Hunting is SERIOUS BIZNAZ!

And, in this case, love really IS a battlefield.

Serious battle faces ON.

Gosh, between the tears and the sweating and the ovaries, it’s become the dating equivalent of the Bar Exam.

Because things are tres #serious, the bitches are sitting around the Formal Dining Room talking seriously about how seriously sad they are that their sister wife Elbow got kicked to the curb.

Tall Blonde Bitch #4 Who is Actually an Intruder, Rachel, feels super bad that she got a rose and Ebru didn’t. The guilt is practically consuming her.

The other bitches are quick to console her; “Babe, it’s tooootally not your fault, mmkay? Our boyfriend is under serious pressure right now. Finding a wife is like finding a cure for cancer.”

Because she is into cars and shit, Nina is obviously all about competition. She cannot stop talking about the Original Bitches vs. Intruder Bitches. It is clearly the original bitches versus the intruder bitches. I mean, clearly the original bitches deserve more love because they have been sitting around a waterfront mansion WAY longer than the intruder bitches!

Osher arrives in a polka dot shirt, looking fresh as a daisy thankyouverymuch, and delivers TWO DATE CARDS! IT’S PRACTICALLY A PARTY!

Cool But Not So Cool Girl Heather calls somebody “Bruz Cuz” because it’s important that we remember that she is still really cool and down with it.

GROUP DATE.

Jennifer Love Hewitt! It’s the Ovaries Test this week! Hooray!

A million children descend from a neighbouring hill, wielding sticky hands and give-a-f*$% attitudes! The bitches look terrified. Woody, on the other hand, is watching closely to see whose uterus is glowing with the promise of new life. CHILDREN! OVARIES! HORMONES! MATERNAL!

The paper-thin premise seems to be that each bitch will be in charge of their own “station” of child-related exercise/activity and I really really hope that teeball is involved because I was ALL about that as a 10 year-old.

All of the bitches are honestly way more concerned about approaching a bunch of children than hey should be. They hang back in their denim butt shorts, looking wary and terrified while the wildling children go ape-shit on some sports equipment.

Super Busy Businesswoman Sarah admits she “doesn’t know how to talk to kids”. Now, I ain’t no parent, but I’m preeetty sure they speak the same language as us and, FYI Sarah, if you hadn’t already noticed, it is very important that you get along with children and prove your ovaries are worthy of Woody wood. Haven’t you learnt ANYTHING?!

Parmigiana, on the other hand, is all over this like a rash. Because she has had heaps of Children practice with her own Child, Kiev. Luckily, the native Children pick up on this and don’t try to assimilate her.

Tall Blonde Bitch #4 is clearly barren because she is not connecting with any of the Children and her ovaries are failing her miserably. Lesbihonest, she is really here to try and inject some drama into this vanilla-flavoured Bachie Pudding, and will clearly not be getting to the end. That position is reserved for Intruder Lana who is just saaaah natural with the Children and talks to them like they are humans and helps them throw basketballs through hoops like a maternal champ.

Unfortunately, she wasn’t around earlier in the season to prove her bubble soccer and sheep-wrangling skills, so she isn’t home and hosed just yet, guys.

Finally it’s Nina’s turn to bat, and Heather has faith in her because she is “physically tougher.” (This is a bad euphemism for “Nina’s the fat one.” Kind of like how “Communications Assistant” = Receptionist. I’m on to you, Cool But Not So Cool Girl..).

Cut to mandatory shot of Woody showing how NATURAL he is with Children and doing totally non-prompted push-ups with a Child on his back. The bitches are all suddenly pregnant.

Yeah! Feminism!

After they recover from their PTCS (Post Traumatic Child Syndrome) at the Mansion that Spotlight Built, it’s time for Single Date. Errybody is certain that it is Nina’s turn for a second date and DEFINITELY not either of the Intruders because that would be a freaking travesty of justice.

LOL JKS! Intruder Lana gets the date, suckaaaas!

Nina is bloody ROPABLE because, although she’d come to terms with her boyfriend dating 6 other bitches, how very DARE a new bitch come in and go on a date with him! The original bitches gather around to console her and Heather says she can’t imagine “how it feels to be on Nina’s end” because she’s usually too busy thinking about being on Woody’s end, ifyouknowwhaddamean?

Nina goes inside to cry herself a river, but Lana could not even give two f*$#s because she is down at some boat shed faster than you can say anal glands.

Look, I’m kind of getting a little tired of all these boat/water-related things that they keep doing. I mean, how hard is it to book a ghost tour or get a mechanical bull brought in for some real dating fun?

Woody and Lana’s date is basically 10 minutes of water, travel and eyes. They parasail over the water, talk about how travel Lana is and compliment each other on the beautiful eyes they have grown.

Seriously, can someone drop Sandra or Emily back in and make things interesting again?

Water activities complete, Woody takes Lana to a waterfront restaurant where a guy who looks like Ed Sheeran is singing some naff song on the balcony just for them and trying not to cry with shame. I bloody hope Zamel’s are paying him well.

I’m pretty sure one of these guys was there….?

They do some romantic dancing to the naff music while the poor guy is just standing there singing at them, and it is about as awkward as watching a few baby seals being clubbed to death. I’ve never hated something so much.

However, during their post-dance chat about how travel Lana is because she lived in Mexico and has been to Iceland, it becomes pretty clear that Woody is falling for this intruder hook, line and sinker. He says something about “reassessing” his feelings. In other words, he is falling in love with Lana and BachMan and H-Bomb are nothing but a distant memory. The other bitches are going to be SO. PISSED that Woody has forsaken an Original for an Intruder. But at least something interesting might happen, amirite?

Did that jelly wrestle meaning NOTHING to you?!

Lana returns to the Wife Detention Centre just in time for the rose ceremony, looking v v much like the Intruder Cat who got the Bachie Cream. The other bitches aren’t even trying to pretend they are happy for her. They are legit giving as much as a f*#$ as those kids they taught “sports” to this morning. (Side note: apparently that ginger who sang to Woody and Lana is famous?!)

#acting.

What follows is several minutes of cat’s bum expressions and awkward drinking. Things have gotten so serious that they are not even attempting to mingle or go outside anymore but are literally just sitting and waiting in silence for their shared boyfriend to come and speak to them for a few seconds. #serious #romance.

Except for Tall Blonde Intruder (Rachel) who is the new resident Biatch now that Emily has left. The producers are clearly trying to set up some last-minute tension between her and Nina because we can’t POSSIBLY go into the final episodes of this show with all the women LIKING each other! I mean, that would be a bloody outrage!

Nina keeps banging on her battle drum, talking about the rivalry between the Originals and the Intruders and that if she gets dumped for an intruder she will cut someone. I’m a bit worried this means she is definitely being dumped for an intruder.

ROSE CEREMONY.

Shit is still super serious as Osher comes in and does his rose maths. One bitch’s ovaries will be sent home tonight.

Lana already has a rose, Heather and Parmigiana get a rose, leaving Nina, Rachel and Busy Businesswoman Sarah. The three of them look totes emoshi and #serious. Woody is stalling. He seems to be doing some serious thinking. Emotions are running high. There is no body of water in the immediate vicinity to help soften the thinking pain; it’s looking grim. Everyone starts worrying this might happen….

Bachie feelings.

And he’s out.

Woody has dropped the rose and hot-footed it outside. The pressure has gotten too much for the poor pet. GOSH wife-hunting is hard.

Woody calls desperately for Osher who comes out to the kitchen completely bewildered that someone has proactively asked to see him! It seems as if his CLEO Bachelor of the Year skills are FINALLY being put to good use! Don’t worry, Woody, Oshie got this. Feelings, feelings, wingman, feelings, connections, feelings.

This guy: putting out fires left right and centre

Heartfelt emotional crisis over, Woody returns to his harem ready to boot….wait…what is that? Is that a third rose in his hand? What is happening? Why does Woody have extra roses? Why is he blatantly going against Osher’s rose maths? He’s giving ALL the bitches a freaking rose! THIS IS NOT THE RULE OF TRUE LOVE, WOODY!

You get a rose! You get a rose!

This is the worst. All that #serious drama and no one bloody goes home in a Nissan.

It’s the dating equivalent of getting a participation ribbon.

You’re on probation, Woody.

Tags: bachelor australia, bachelor australia season 3 ep 11, bachie, Heather, Jamie Lawson, Lana, nina, osher, Sam Wood, Snezana, The Bachelor, the bachelor 2015 recaps, the bachelor australia, The bachelor Australia 2015, the bachelor australia 2015 episode 11, The Bachelor episode 11 recap, thebachelor, thebachelorau, TheBachelorAU recap

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Categories The Bachelor, The Bachelor Season 3

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