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The Bachelor Season 4: Homeward Bound

Aside from the Dates with Sex episodes (which no longer exist, technically, despite my numerous letters to Channel 10 – I’m never gonna let it go, guys) it’s my other favorite episode! Bachie meets the parents! I’ve always loved grilled banana as a dessert, and now I get to see it in human form. That sounded weird…

Not content with shirtless squat thrusts or lat pulls (yeah, I know exercise) we’ve now moved on to shirtless shaving. Bachie Bananas poignantly reflects on his four girlfriends while he shaves the minimal stubble from his cheek. Obviously it is very difficult to do this with a shirt on. And obviously one must follow up their shirtless shaving with a healthy smoothie before there can be any elimination of girlfriends. Eat lean, shave clean.

Oh gosh this is a difficult job

ALEX

So Alex has been hiding something from us. She lives in a funking winery apparently. There are LOTS of horses, fresh air and nature. And grapes. Alex does some serious grapes thinking about how the man who made her eat lamb’s guts would be such a great father to her kid.

Now that I know where you live, babe, I’d be your baby daddy, NBD.

Bachie Bananas explains to us that Single Mum Alex is, “like no one I’ve ever met – strong, beautiful and intelligent.” Sooo…I guess that makes the other three girls barnyard slappers? I sometimes think he just forgets what show he’s the star of. Poor pet.

Alex explains that, although it is hometown dates and the idea is for her communal boyfriend to be roasted by her proud family members, she has decided NOT to introduce Richie to her son. This is super disappointing…for me. Surprise surprise, Bachie Bananas is almost as bad at pretending to be disappointed as he is pretending to not be reading off cue cards. He tells her that he totes understands and practically wipes the sweat off his brow.

(Then they do that flashback to when Alex showed him the photo album of Elijah and she said that, “put a name to a face” thing, which still annoys me to no end. IT’S THE OTHER WAY AROUND! He’s putting a FACE to the NAME! Am I the only one who was bothered by this? Probs.)

Regardless, NOT introducing your communal boyfriend to your naive, impressionable child is a rookie mistake, Alex. Remember last year when Snezana introduced Woody to her daughter Eve on hometown visits to LOCK THAT SHIT DOWN? I know it seems perhaps a little unreasonable to expose a child to this kind of emotional risk, but this is The Bachelor babe – the laws of reason are redundant. Gawd, who even ARE you, Alex?! WHO ARE YOU?!

So for now we have to settle for Alex’s other family – her mum, sister and brother. There is nothing I love more than an overly- protective brother, and Alex’s bro, Adam, is adequetely terrifying. And dem brows… on fleek. Adam’s brows run through the usual protective brother gauntlet of questions until he straight up asks Bachie if he’s ever cheated on a girlfriend before? No offense, Adam, but… that is basically the entire premise of this show. The best part is that Richie says no…

Umm..remember dis?

Or dis?

But then he mentions that, “he sees that kind of thing in his job,” quite often as he’s flying in and out of different cities.

HOLD UP.

They FLY ropes technicians around the country? Where can I study this?! What even IS a ropes technician?!

However, I know it’s early days, but I’m gonna give MVP to Adam and his brows for the most on-point comment ever in the history of this season. After listening to Sir Bananas awkwardly stumble through the conversation, Adam says, “I feel like he’s said this a thousand times before.”

The brows know.

Ten points to Gryffindor! You are absolutely correct, my friend. This is pretty much what we’ve all been bitching about since July!

Oh yeah, Alex reveals she loves Richie. We know.

OLENA

Of course they’ve got Olena doing some sexy exercising. It’s tennis. She’s doing some serious tennis thinking.

Because she’s Ukrainian with a former boxing champion for a dad, they’re trying to give her a bit of a Jelena Dokic spin. Remember that tennis player with the crazy ass dad who beat people up and went to jail? Yeah I’d be scared too.

The most amusing thing that happens is that Richie is super shit at tennis and gets his bananas handed to him by Olena. He tries to save face by reminding us he’s been taking her on, “these extravagant dates,” so it’s kinda nice to just be kicking it on a tennis court.

Mate, who you kidding?

Remember dis? #extravagant

They approach Olena’s house where Richie should basically just prepare to die, when Olena reassures him she’s shitting bricks. I don’t wanna be racist, but if that doesn’t secure a girl Australian citizenship, I dunno what would. Olena is now my favorite.

We meet Olena’s family, i.e. her terrifying father, and what follows is fifteen minutes of Richie desperately trying to seem tough and get Daddy Dokic to like him:

Richie: I took Olena on a motorbike. I love motorbikes. Please like me, I’m super tough, I promise.

Dad: I f*cking hate bikes. And now I’mma beat tha shiiit outta you. Kthnxbye.

And that’s what happens. He takes him outside to the boxing bag and we watch as another member of the Olena family hand Richie his own, now squashed, bananas. It’s excellent television. Better yet, Dad still haaates him.

Haha! Please like me!

And so does Olena’s sister. Girl is just, “Like, don’t you feel weird him dating other chicks? Isn’t that weird?! It’s f*cking weird.”

(MENULOG MENULOG! OLENA’S FAMILY USE MENULOG!)

For a solid minute or so I thought Olena’s scary dad and sassy sister were going to team up and beat the crap out of Richie.

But there was no fight. I’m disappointed. I stopped paying attention. But I remember they sneaked in a pash before dad came back out with his boxing gloves on.

RACHEL

Rachel is over in Perth doing some serious beach thinking. She wonders why, since they’re both from Perth, it’s taken them THIS long to meet?

Look, I’ve never been to Perth but I’m fairly sure it’s a big place. Like, I’m from the smallest city ever (Brisbane) and I still managed to avoid my primary school boyfriend for fifteen years and we lived a few suburbs apart. (We had a bad break-up. There were tazos and another girl’s erasers involved. I don’t wanna talk about it.)

Already we know she’s going home. He’s using complicated phrases like, “big enough of a connection” and the like. And she also has not-blonde hair. “You’re always good at everything, Richie,” the poor girl laughs. Yeah. Except for sentences. Not so good at that.

Wait, is this amazing beach shack she’s taken him to her HOUSE? Be still my beating heart…what is this place? Fish and chips, champagne, a gentle sea breeze? This is my dream home. Okay, take a breath, Lauren. It’s just a restaurant. Calm down.

They arrive at Rachel’s parents ACTUAL home. Is that a bottle of Ricca Donna I see in her hand? Suddenly it’s 2005.

Not-Blonde Rachel tells us that her dad has super good intuition and that whatever he decides of Richie will pretty much be it for her. So he’s some sort of fortune teller. That’s cool.

I have a feeling he’ll pick the blondes.

Nothing else that interesting happens until they sit down to dinner. There are a lot of dudes at the table with long hair. I have no idea who they are but they are probably related to Rachel.

Someone else related to Rachel is her sister who is basically the Overly Protective Brother Adam in this scenario except with lady parts. She asks Bachie Bananas if he is in love with Rachel and then sits back and watches him try and say words for about five minutes. On the other hand, sis does have blonde hair, so part of me is surprised Richie didn’t just tell her she was gorgeous and try and pash her.

Right hair colour. Wrong sister.

For some reason Fortune Teller Dad is getting good vibes from the dude who made his daughter fight other women in hot pants so he gives them his blessing. Then someone says they never throw love around willy-nilly. Because Perth.

I think that was all. She’s going home. I just know it. Sorry dad.

NIKKI

Nikki is from some rando town in Western Australia called Northam, a.k.a butt-f*ck Idaho. So she does some serious outback thinking.

When Richie arrives they do this really awkward thing called a conversation on the top of Northam lookout while the semi-trailers zoom past. Nikki explains that her family are from the racing industry and I don’t really know what that means, but I hope it involves a lot of drinking and people taking off their shoes.

SURPRISE! They go to the races. But there’s no one else there. Probs cos no one else lives in Northam.

Eventually, they get sick of sitting on a Random Sex Couch at the races and head to Nikki’s palatial home because I’m almost positive “being in the racing industry” means her family might be Northam royalty. Everyone in her family like Richie because obviously Nikki is going to win, so they’d better.

Except for her Aussie AF brother-in-law Snowy who is.not.having.a.bar.of.it.

This guy means business and takes Richie outside to drink beer and grill shit on a barbecue.

I don’t really know what Snowy stands for, but I do know that this is ICE COLD #seewhatididthere. Although I’ve already given MVP to Brother Adam, I’m going to give Best Playmaker of the evening to Snowy for this nugget of wisdom:

“Just imagine the worst point of your life. Don’t worry about all their fancy shit and what they look like and stuff.” Yes, Snowy. Yes.

Can grill.

Once again, nothing really interesting happens after that. Nikki tells her sister she’s in love with a man she’s spent all of a day or two with. Her sister seems to be on board. Just pick her already, Richie. For realz. I’m tired.

ROSE CEREMONY

Guys, I’m not even going to waste your time here. I was right. Rachel goes home because she dared to keep her natural brunette roots visibly brunette, how very dare she. She takes it well though and manages to put one last one on the board for us classy girls of the brunette variety.

Alex cries at how lucky she is to still be in the running for Bachie’s bananas. Olena kind of looks annoyed. Nikki just knows she’s got this.

I hate to say it but good God I’m looking forward to this season ending and I haven’t even watched half of it.

This is me.

Tags: alex, Bachelor, bachelor home town dates, bachelor richie, bachelorau season 4 recap, Channel 10, home town visits, home visits, nikki, Olena, osher, rachel, rachel gets eliminated, richie strahan, the bachelor 2016, The Bachelor Au, the bachelor australia, the bachelor australia recap, the bachelor australia s4 ep 14, The Bachelor Recap, the bachelor recaps, thebachelor, thebachelorau, thebachelorau s4 ep 14, TheBachelorAustralia

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Categories The Bachelor, The Bachelor Season 4

The Bachelor Season 4: (Adult) Baby did a bad, bad thing

2 Sep

Guys, things are getting desperate over at Channel 10. It seems they got wise on the fact the last several episodes have been whiter than a slice of TipTop and have, subsequently, brought in the big guns. And by big guns, I mean Hamish Blake. And by Hamish Blake, I mean Hamish Blake as an adult baby called Rory.

What a time to be alive.

But first….

The six remaining bitches are sitting around their Tuscan villa, surrounded by the entire Spring catalog from Bed Bath’n’Table, chatting about how dreamy their manfriend is. Frightening phrases like, “He’s everything a girl could want in a partner!” and, “I feel so special with Richie!” are being thrown around willy nilly, again, reminding us that this is a dude they have spent no more than 12 hours with in total. The young guy who serves me my hangover latte and hash brown at McCafe makes me feel more special than that.

Overhearing this enthusiastic display, Osher arrives to lecture them like Year 11’s going into VCE; spending quality time with a man is important if you want to fall in love. And dates are the way to do that. Well, I know I just learnt something today.

SINGLE DATE

Goes to Overly Bubbly Blonde Faith. No surprises here but she is super excited and bubbly to go on her second date with Bachie Bananas. So much so that she goes and changes out of her already lovely crop top into another crop top. But it’s beige. Just like this date is probs going to be… or is it??

Suddenly Richie shows up to collect Faith and explain to her in front of his other girlfriends why he chose her for another date and why their connection is important to him and the ick factor goes through the funking roof. Like, I KNOW the show is about these women competing for the one dude, but good God man, don’t sh*t where you eat!

God bless you, Hamish Blake, for arriving just as things were getting hella awkward.

The zany, totally-not-a-grab-for-ratings twist this episode is that Hamish is going to accompany them on their date. Yes, poor Richie is so bad at being entertaining on dates that they’ve resorted to giving him a wingman. Hamish explains that they’re going to be looking after a “real life toddler.” Both Bachie Bananas and Faith cackle hysterically for a moment, because obviously Hamish is a comedian and obviously this is a big joke.

“Hahahaha! Oh my god! Wait…a REAL toddler?”

The real life toddler is, in fact, Hamish himself, who will be dressed as three year-old adult baby, Rory for the day. If either of his “parents” fail to look after him, he will stop the date. Oh the zaniness!

No, but seriously, Rory is actually heaven as he wastes no time throwing awkward questions at Richie like, “Is mummy the ONLY one for daddy?” To give Bachie credit, he does manage to reply with a semi-genuine “Yes” before Faith asks him to look at her when he says that. Cue Classic Richie Laughter followed by uncomfortable pause.

Hahahahaha! That was so funny…

More great questions from Rory – there’s even a reference to Richie’s clear favoritism towards blondes. He tries to deflect again by using a metaphor for it’s what’s on the inside that counts/as long as the flavor of ice-cream is delicious. As long as that flavor is blonde, though, amiright? Hahahaha!

Next stop is a fancy, hipster cafe where Rory goes ape sh*t and upends tables and pours drinks on the floor. It is at this point that I realise this would basically be my dream job as an actor. A) Overalls are super comfy B) I already have a sippy cup and it’s pretty much the best $5 I ever spent and C) Getting paid to carry on about childish crap and complain that you’re not getting enough attention is already my everyday life.

But it is disturbing to notice the large gaggle of blondes seated at the cafe – is this the Blonde Bitch Holding Cell? Like, is this where they keep their reserves should one of the originals forget to do her roots!? Big questions to answer, Channel 10…

Finally they go bowling and Rory freaking out in the middle of a lane is pretty much me this entire season…

What is happening?!

The only other funny thing that happens that isn’t because of Hamish, is when Bachie Bananas sings a gentle “Twinkle twinkle little dinkle” to his adoptive adult baby while doing wee-wee. #adulting.

Back at The Tuscan Villa that Spotlight Built, Mummy Faith and Daddy Richie attempt to put their adult baby to bed. There’s a lot of pants pulling and grabbing of the bed…and not in the sex way which is disappointing. Richie legit has to wrestle Rory out of his overalls. I know this is meant to be funny, and I know that I don’t have a kid, but I’m pretty sure this is not that far off from real life. (I guess the only difference is that actual three year-olds can’t ask their fathers sassy, judgmental questions. Or maybe they can…kids are getting super rude these days.)

Overly Bubbly Faith and Bachie Bananas eventually collapse on the couch with MENULOG MENULOG DID YOU KNOW YOU COULD ORDER WINE THROUGH MENULOG. Faith picks Italian food and Richie stupidly picks white wine.

YOU DRINK RED WINE WITH ITALIAN FOOD, YOU FOOL!

(Wow, I think that’s the most passionate I’ve been about this season in weeks. I nearly scared myself.)

I wonder if Hamish got paid in Menulog?

GROUP DATE

Oh wait, there’s no group date. Apparently the producers paid Hamish Blake all of their budget to inject some actual entertainment into this episode, so instead, Richie takes Rachel into the back garden to sit on a Random Sex Chair. Except there are no candles, cheese platters or ostentatious decorations. Yep, sh*t is grim.

The theme of this non-date is ‘The Five Sense’ – in other words, they are going to eat some sh*t, smell some sh*t, touch some sh*t, listen to some sh*t and speak some sh*t. Not actual sh*t, but you get the idea. Although speaking and eating some sh*t is practically all they’ve done for the last 2 months so Rachel should be a total pro.

Zzzzz…nothing interesting happens. Hamish Blake has gone home and taken the Menulog with him.

You mean Hamish isn’t coming back?

There is a point where Bachie offers to massage Rachel’s feet, but she admits she hasn’t washed them (umm..WHAT?!) and suddenly Bachie’s Banana shrivels back up into his body and he seamlessly switches to giving her a boring hand massage instead. And here I was hoping he might condemn her filthy ways to a nunnery or something else dramatic like that.

The producers have reminded Richie to put a lid on all the flattery and roses to try and maintain at least a tiny bit of mystery, so like Overly Bubbly Faith before her, Rachel is denied a rose.

I don’t think I care.

ROSE CEREMONY

Because none of the bitches are going into the Rose Ceremony with rose in hand, actual tension seems to be building in the Bed Bath’n’Table display room. Single Mum Alex no longer gives any f***s about waiting for Richie to take HER to the White Rose Sex Room and waves her magic white wand quick smart.

Up in the Sex Den, Alex reveals she has hidden a secret photo album of ~~Richie sleeping~~ her son in the cushions of a chair. Cue a lot of talk about responsibility and children and other stuff related to having kids. Bachie looks legit terrified. But Alex ain’t no fool, cos erryone knows that the guy who kicks off a lady who just showed him pictures of the child that came out of her lady parts is basically the biggest douche canoe ever in the world.

She just KNOWS.

Well played, Single Mum. And well played on the leather bustier too; slayin.

Boring boring, someone is going home, we’re all devastated, boring boring.

The final two are Rachel and Intruder Lady With Name Starting With S. Rachel is obviously being punished for having dirty feet, how very dare she.

Joookes! Intruder Lady is sent home before I even bothered to learn her name. I feel a bit bad. She cries in the limo about how sad she is not getting the chance to make sweet Bachie love to the greatest guy she ever met.

Yeah, now I don’t feel so bad.

Come on, look how ENTERTAINING WE ARE!!

Tags: adult baby, Bachelor, bachelor richie, bachie, Channel 10, channel ten, dating, faith and richie, hamish blake, osher, recap, richie strahan, the bachelor 2016, the bachelor 2016 ep12, the bachelor au season 4, the bachelor australia, the bachelor australia recap, the bachelor episode 12, the bachelor recaps, The Bachelor Season 4 2016 recap, thebachelorau, thebachelorau s4 ep12, TheBachelorAustralia

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Categories The Bachelor, The Bachelor Season 4

The Bachelor Season 4: Stuck in Richie’s Mud

1 Sep

After (another) forced hiatus, I’m back again. And what an episode to come back with, amiright??!!

Jks, it was not interesting at all.

Guys, is it just me or is this the most snore-worthy season of Bachie everrrr? I mean, maybe it’s the fact I’ve been watching, re-watching and writing about it for four years that literally nothing impresses my stone-cold heart anymore, but somehow, I don’t think that’s the case!

But let’s not spend this entire post bitching and complaining because that is totally not my style AT ALL…

What he said.

Obviously I have missed a decent chunk of Bachie Tribal Council because there are only seven bitches left. As usual, they are sitting around the Tuscan Mansion that Spotlight Built, as usual, talking about how much they miss their collective boyfriend and, as usual, worrying about who is going to get time alone with his Banana in exchange for some sort of humiliating task.

Intruder Lady (is it Steph? Steffy? I legit have no idea) is the only intruder left and is all like, “Haha, am I always gonna be that intruder girl to you all? Like in ten years are you still gonna call me that? Haha!” And the others are all like, “Haha, no babe, not at ALL…. But srzly, yes you are. We can’t wait for you to go.”

As usual, Osher shows up in some sort of lovely Roger David number and gives them all a quick maths lesson to explain how important it is that they go on more than one date with the man who may become their future Logies escort. The date goes to Nikki. It’s her second; she is blonde (tick), pretty (tick), and doesn’t cause any drama (tick). She is probs going to win.

SINGLE DATE

Apart from Nikki’s slayin leather pants (dayum, gurl!) and Richie showing up in Foghorn Leghorn’s car, the whole thing is super funking beige.

Real life reenactment of Nikki getting picked up.

Bachie Bananas takes Nikki to Australia’s third-oldest pub because she’s a country girl and obviously loves pubs and hay bales. I legit don’t understand why they take country girls on country dates? Don’t these poor women get enough of that farm shit at home?! It would be akin to a guy saying to me, “Hey you like to write stuff, so I thought I would take you to Officeworks!”

(No, but srzly, I would actually love that. I guess my argument is now moot.)

I can pretty much narrow down their entire date to one repeated conversation:

*The theme song from Beaches plays in the background*

Richie: I’m really looking forward to picking up where we left off.

Nikki: Yeah because you’re perfect for me.

Richie: Wow, yeah, haha, well it’s just so great to pick up where we left off.

Nikki: I agree. You’re just like, the perfect guy for me.

Somebody make it stop.

At this point my computer crapped itself and I could only hear the episode while staring at a frozen image of a Lite’n’Easy meal. I actually do not think it made an ounce of difference. It sounded like they went to some other country-themed location, probably equipped with a Random Sex Couch (and cheese, hopefully) while a cool band called The Morrisons played country music for them. Because country.

What I imagine The Morrisons looked like.

Dancing, kissing, kissing, dancing, face touching, talking, kissing, awkward laughing, talking, face touching, kissing, Nikki admits she’s fallen in love after two dates. The end.

I actually think looking at the Lite’n’Easy meal was more entertaining. I mean, it WAS Roast Chicken, but still…

GROUP DATE

Yeaya! It’s an All-In. There are only seven of them so the producers need to squeeze every single drop of potential der-rama and bitchiness out of this. They continue to play villain music every time Rachel says something mildly honest because she is obviously the not-so-brunette villain now that my spirit animal, Keira, got the boot. Poor Rachel. As they say, it’s hard out there for a ~~pimp~~ brunette.

The girls worry that they’ll have to shove lamb guts down their throats again and so seem legitimately relieved when they discover they simply have to struggle through a mud-covered obstacle course. Because perspective.

Bachie Bananas explains that they’re gonna, “get down and dirty” and unfortunately, that’s not a euphemism. They will actually be running through the dirt and nature in their own Tough Mudder challenge. I would never even consider competing in Tough Mudder for the real-life satisfaction and achievement, let alone to win ten minutes of time with a brunette-discriminating ropes technician.

The twist today, however, is that they won’t be competing against each other.

PARDON? WHAT IS THIS MADNESS?!

No, no. Apparently they are going to “work together”. To win a challenge only one of them can actually win. Yeah this makes total logical sense.

They climb over walls, jump into ice buckets and wriggle through mud together, all the while bitching about who is standing closest to Richie and how much they don’t actually care about working as a team. Rachel makes some very relevant bitchy jokes about how they all suck because they’re blonde and, again, she’s the only brunette which isn’t actually true because Kiki is still there, plus she’s more a J.Lo-esque bronde, so….

Yay! Teamwork!

Olena pulls out the big guns ifyouknowwhaddamean and challenges Bachie Bananas to a one-on-one mud race. He agrees awkwardly, visibly worried that he is going off-script here and might have to end up paying for the sponsor-gifted muscle singlet he’s wearing. Olena does a total Randall from Monsters Inc and crawls through that mud like she has reptilian blood.

THEN she seals the deal by pouring an entire water bottle over herself to hose off in front of Richie, NBD. Needless to say, his Cool Bananas are no longer able to remain very cool and she wins the challenge.

Don’t. F*ck. With. Olena.

Sitting on their Random Sex Couch, Olena basically reminds him that she ate mud for him so he better kiss her/tell her she’s beautiful/give her a rose or else. He does all of these things because Olena now has magic sexy water bottle powers over him.

ROSE CEREMONY

Also super boring because, as stated earlier, seven bitches equals not a lot of drama. I don’t even think the newly instated Batman vs Superman soundtrack can save this one.

Single Mum Alex is convinced that Intruder Lady Sophie/Steph/Stacey is going home because when it comes to relationships, spending the most amount of time with a man is the number one way to win him over and take your deserving place at his side; screw the chemistry he may have with other ladies; that is NOT how love works, y’all.

Alex explains it all.

Overly Bubbly Blonde Faith is doing her usual thing of being blonde and staying positive, also assuming that her super deep connection with Bachie Bananas will win her another week in the Mansion over Intruder Lady With Name Starting With S.

I really hate to break it to these girls, but, despite her controversial Intruder-status, Name Starting With S is still a flaxen-haired female, so she is in with a raging chance.

I also wanna say Bachie Bananas wears his camp purple velvet suit as an homage to the late, great, Gene Wilder, but somehow I just don’t think he’s that creative. (And also, this was probably filmed eight months ago.) So let’s just go on the assumption that he does his best Willy Wonka impression to distract us from the fact that he is a total brunette-hater and gives Intruder Lady a rose early in the ceremony because she is not a brunette.

It’s down to Kiki and Overly Bubbly Blonde Faith who, all of a sudden, has lost a lot of her bubble.

Not that she needed to worry because Kiki gets the boot. Because she isn’t blonde. Are you picking up what I’m putting down here?

All this mud and exercise has left both Rachel and Faith extremely disorientated and emotionally exhausted because they practically collapse onto each other; thankful and relieved that their shared ropes technician boyfriend has allowed them to survive another week.

No, THIS is what perspective looks like.

And so ends both the journey of another non-blonde bachelorette and another fairly beige episode.

Alex better either go postal on erryone or invite them all into the White Rose Sex Den for some real group dating or I am going to need some serious substance assistance to keep this interesting…

So close to being blonde…so close.

Tags: bachelor australia, bachelor australia 2016 episode 11, bachelor australia s4 ep11, bachelor richie, Kiki, Kiki gets the boot, nikki single date, Olena, osher, richie, richie strahan, single mum alex, The Bachelor, the bachelor australia, The Bachelor Australia 2016, the bachelor australia season 4, the bachelor season 4 episode 11, the bachelor tough mudder, thebachelor, thebachelorau, TheBachelorAU season 4

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Categories Celebrity/Pop Culture, The Bachelor, The Bachelor Season 4

The Bachelor Season 4: Like moths to the (Non-Olympic) flame

12 Aug

Do Channel 10 know they don’t have the broadcasting rights to the Olympics?

Tonight was all about the sport, including faux-Olympic flames and podiums, which leads me to believe that the big guys at 10 are trying to pull the wool over our eyes. That, or jump on the Rio bandwagon without having to pay royalties.

The bitches are all casually chilling in their Tuscan kitchen in their black chokers and faux leather skirts lamenting their lack of Banana action. Keira’s lady parts are particularly frustrated when she asks, “Am I just here to look good?” Yeah babe. That’s what you’re all there for. Well, that and make fools of yourselves every couple of days in animal suits. Obviously.

Chandler Gunsberg rocks up in his best khaki shirt and, SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! He has TWO date cards at once! No one can take it. You would have thought he’d just produced a live bunny rabbit from his shirt sleeve. How does he DO it?!

GROUP DATE

In a fantastic display of Bachie logic, my new spirit animal Keira complains about having to go on the clearly sports-themed group date. She wonders why they can’t just sit around and chat with their communal boyfriend instead of competing against each other? Which seems a legit question considering this show is precisely about 25 women competing against each other for their communal boyfriend. (Are you getting as sick of this joke as I am?)

The competitors arrive at some place where I’m sure sport is played. There’s an actual funking podium erected in the middle (lol, “erected”) and of course the bitches get super excited about it. They woo-hoo and cheer enthusiastically as if they’re not there to humiliate themselves for a ginger.

But perhaps to placate commentators/feminists/general logically-thinking humans, the producers decide to make Bachie Bananas perform a slightly embarrassing task as well. He appears at the top of the stadium, running in with what appears to be a very poor imitation of the Olympic flame that one of the interns put together with sticky tape and tissue paper.

Career goals.

However, no-one dares say the word Olympics because Channel 9 will just shut this sh*t right down. Anyway, Richie gleefully runs in to light all the bitches’ flames. Again, more woo-hooing and jumping up and down. I can’t handle it. Srzly, this guy could take a dump and those girls’d throw him a parade.

One would think that all this unspoken Olympic-ness would mean relays and hockey matches. Mmm close, but add in humiliation aids such as inflatable balls and kangaroo suits. The first game involves the bitches getting into aforementioned giant balls and racing each other to the finish line. Faith says what everyone is thinking – “It made my day seeing those giant balls.” Also, every girl on Tinder, ever.

Bachie Bananas gifts us all with his imitation of the ladies running in their inflatable balls. Personally, nothing makes me want to take my clothes off more than the man I’m already competing for doing a smart-arse impression of me.

How did they get SO lucky?

If running like a hamster on a wheel wasn’t enough, they also have to put up with many Cupid jokes while shooting arrows at ~~each other~~ a heart target. Worse still is Bachie Bananas’ awkward yet overly enthusiastic commentary from the sidelines. “Awwwesome shot! Ha ha ha!” “Oh WOW! That was SOOOOO close! Ha ha ha!”

The final, grand installment is a wrestling match. Yes people, it has literally come to this. The bitches are going to wrestle each other for the chance to touch Bachie’s banana. Throw in Usher’s 2001 album and some Smirnoff blacks and you’ve got every guy I went to high school with’s fantasy. BUT! Because this is The Bachelor it would be unacceptable for them to just wrestle like common whores. No, they have to wear kangaroo suits. Like, I know I mentioned it in my last post, but seriously this show is basically It’s a Knockout with fake tan and roses.

“It’s a knockout! That’s the name of the game!”

Another reason why Keira may soon replace my regular spirit animal, (Professor McGonagal if you were wondering), is that she does not try one iota to mask her intense dislike for this whole exercise. She stands on the sideline with a sourpuss face that would give Queen Lizzy a run for her money. Bachie Bananas checks that she’s okay -“I’m not nervous. I just don’t wanna do it,” she replies. You can literally see all the f***s she does not give.

Above: Keira. (Also this was from the actual Olympics. Double reference!)

The other bitches are OUTRAGED at her blatant disrespect for Bachie Bananas and the fact that she is giving them all a bad name. One of them (don’t care who) then provides the million dollar line of the night: “At least pretend to like it. The guy you like is standing right there!” I have never been so proud to be the owner of a vagina.

Overly bubbly blonde Faith wins the Non-Olympics and the three place getters are legit presented with Bachie-themed medals on the podium. After accepting the gold, Faith is whisked away to a Random Fancy Couch on the other side of the stadium where she and Richie talk about…sports? Feelings? I don’t care. She gets a rose. They kiss. It’s all very white bread.

SINGLE DATE

Goes to Kiki. All I know about her is that she did nude modelling. She also refers to herself as a bogan and says Straya a lot. According to the card, her date will involve a lot of “going up and then coming down.” Don’t quote me on that, I just wanted to make sexual innuendo.

Hello ploise, there’s a helicopter! I bet you $100 it’s going to take them to some Random Fancy Couch somewhere in Sydney Harbor.

Oh I’m wrong. But I’m not far off. They go to a Random Fancy Table. It even has a Port-a-Chandelier hanging off of the boom cable. Don’t say the Bachie production crew aren’t afraid to improvise.

But then nothing interesting really happens at all. They talk about being themselves and… love I guess? It’s the verbal equivalent of elevator music. Except Bachie keeps stressing that he’s gotta find out if “there’s a spark there.” Now look, I barely passed Chemistry in high school, but if something is going to “spark” isn’t it pretty damn instant? Like, I don’t ever recall casually waiting around for 20 minutes while electrons attempted to combust with an oxidizing agent. (I have no idea if that is actual science.)

The whole non-eventful date over, Kiki returns to the Mansion that Spotlight Built with a rose in hand. The other bitches crowd around their Tuscan benchtop to grill her about this controversial spark everyone’s talking about. According to Bachie Logic, sparks = kissing and Kiki straight up tells them the date was sans kiss. None of the women are any good at being shocked.

Oh? You didn’t kiss?

ROSE CEREMONY

My Spirit Animal Keira arrives in what is pretty much the most slayin red onesie I’ve ever seen. When her fellow prisoners tell her she looks super hot tonight, she be like, “Um…I look like this all the time, so…”

Do you need another reason to love her?

Buoyed by the recent shower of compliments, Keira cracks an actual smile when BB approaches her for some alone time. They go over to the swing set/Random Fancy Garden Couch and Richie tries to persuade Keira that she secretly loved wearing a kangaroo suit for him but they end up just doing their awkward waltz again under the wisteria. Meanwhile, a handful of the other girls congregate poolside and poorly pretend not to be watching them with their night vision goggles. Alex is in tears that her shared manfriend is dancing with Keira Farquardt – the Evil Queen Who Doesn’t Like Kangaroo Wrestling. The others agree emphatically and prove that no one ever told them that the acceptable way to deal with jealousy is to drink until you can’t feel your feelings.

This looks super fun.

The rest of the evening consists of Alex crying and the remainder of the lady buffet sitting around waiting for their ~~f***boy~~ ginger to ask them to go sit on a couch. Snore.

Eventually the actual Rose Ceremony starts and Chandler Gunsberg provides his always astute Bachie maths – something something roses, something something ladies. One lady will go home. By the looks of things, it’ll probably be another brunette, so I dunno what Alex has been sniveling about.

(*Side Note* It’s so nice to hear the Batman score still pumping away in the background like what what. It’s very comforting.)

Each time Bachie Bananas says another bitches name, you can almost see the arrows piercing through Alex’s already bleeding heart. Bet she wishes she tried a bit harder at the Non-Olympics, amiright?

But she really had nothing to worry about because, in the spirit of Olympic patriotism, Richie eliminates the Russian to keep his white Australia team together.

Soz, Russia.

Sasha goes home and Alex lives another day to cry over not using her White Sex Rose.

Ahhh… the spirit of the game.

Tags: alex, Alex cries on the bachelor, bachelor australia 2016, bachelor australia s4 ep6, bachelor australia s4 ep6 recpap, Bachelor Games, bachelor richie, bachie, bachie bananas, kangaroo wrestling, keira, Kiki, Olympics, osher, richie strahan, Sasha sent home, The Bachelor, the bachelor 2016, the bachelor australia, The Bachelor Season 4, thebachelor, thebachelorau

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Categories The Bachelor, The Bachelor Season 4

The Bachelor Season 3 Finale: There Can Only Be One Nissan

17 Sep

Wow. What an amazing, crazy journey. I cannot believe what a ride it has been, but it has led us to this very moment and I am so excited to share my feelings with you. Many journey, much feelings.

Keeping in this season’s theme of #budgetcuts, I am going to speed through this wrap up so that everyone can go home early and not get paid overtime.

In other news, it turns out my skills of Bachie perception have taken a serious dive of late, much like the budget of this show. But more on that later.

Up until this point I was legitimately holding out for some kind of Exotic Finale Sexy Party Extravaganza in a foreign country. I really did think that maybe the producers had been stringing us along with their endless parade of random lounge rooms and cheese platters only to surprise us with a finale trip to the Arctic Circle or some shit.

But no.

No, they’re just straight up broke. Rumour has it that all available funds have been poured into maintaining the Bachelorette’s spray tan. (Too soon?)

Because of this, Woody has taken his final two potential wives to the country. Not any specific country, just a general “country” setting, which by the looks of it, is the backyard of Malcolm Turnbull’s place.

I’m so not on board with this shit. YOU CANNOT HAVE A BACHIE FINALE WITHOUT A FOREIGN LOCATION!

Joining him in the General Country is his adorable family. And no, I’m not being sarcastic. They are v v cute in a v v Tasmanian way. And in fairness, at least Sam also treats them to a Random (Outdoor) Lounge Room.

Both bitches meet his family. Everyone is very pleasant and cute and successfully avoids bringing up anything to do with polygamy. Mr Wood even sheds a tear. One can only IMAGINE the television magic if he had met Warwick. That’s the real tragedy here, y’all.

I’m so sorry we’re not in Africa.

FINAL DATES

Because #budgetcuts, the final dates are a combination of fancy transport and my favourite decor, Random Lounge Rooms.

LANA

Mode of Transport: Helicopter

Destination: A lake somewhere in NSW.

Woody explains that all women love ‘The Notebook’ like all women love dressing up in their underwear and playing bubble soccer. For this reason he decides to take her on a row boat and all of a sudden I really hope there is a God up there because I am praying they tip over into that rank water. Who loves ‘The Notebook’ NOW, bitches?

I hope that boat is made by Nissan.

Random Lounge Room: Outdoor. Roasting marshmallows. One of the interns has masterfully recreated the Pottery Barn catalogue and they don’t even funking sit on it. There just stand there looking at each other and talking about stuff. Probably related to travel.

Declaration: “We both have really big eyes.”

PARMIGIANA

Mode of Transport: Hired convertible. *NOT a Nissan*

Destination: Unknown. They drive around a lot until they get to what looks like a dried up creek bed. Parmigiana calls it a “beach”. It looks like the creek where I once got stung by a mosquito and ended up in hospital with what the doctors thought was Ross River Fever.

Random Lounge Room: Indoor. Many candles. They are down to their last 20 bucks because the funking lounge is made of funking HAY BALES! Like I know they’re in “the country” but what the funk is happening? At least there is a cheese platter, so all is not lost.

(I’m starting to believe Sam’s real true love is cheese platters. It seems we have more in common than I first thought…)

So much country. Much #budgetcuts.

Parmigiana reminds Woody again about her real daughter who is not a Cabbage Patch Doll and how important it is that he understands she is a real human and not a Cabbage Patch Doll. The message seems to be getting through.

Declaration: “I have fallen in love with you and it definitely has nothing to do with the fact that I am drunk.”

At this point I was still pretty sure Lana had it in the bag. Those Bachie magnets were still embedded firmly under her skin and her powers of travel appeared to be holding. Plus I just couldn’t shake the feeling that Woody’s reaction to the idea of Parmigiana having a kid was a little like this…

And then suddenly, this is it. We are minutes away from discovering the winner in the race for Wood.

Obvi Woody has to do some SERIOUS shaving thinking and, FYI, that has to be the shittest shaver going around because he seems to use it erry goddamn week and it has made no flipping difference.

Blah blah everyone gets ready in their budget motel room.

Woody comes out and meets Osher amongst a garden that can only be described as floral carnage. Legit, a couple of Lincraft stores died just to make this happen; there is crap ERRYWHERE.

While Osher attempts to wade his way back through the knee-deep rose petals, the two women get into their vehicles. Its OK, everyone. They ARE Nissans. We might still have some sponsorship money.

As we have previously established, first girl out of the car is the big loser and I could not believe my funking eyes but it’s Lana. Like, WHO AM I?! I have picked the winner of this goddamn show without fail so far, but for some reason, this stupid Tasmanian guy keeps hoodwinking me!!

I won’t retell the whole dumping scene, but she and her big eyes take it well. Probably something to do with how travel she is. Don’t worry Lana, if there’s one thing a girl can rely on, it’s a speedy Nissan getaway car.

It’s a bit sad really, but at least Nina will be super happy with this outcome.

Yay! Intruders suck!

HOORAY FOR PARMIGIANA AND KIEV!

Amongst the world’s ugliest floral canopy in the back garden of a random Sydney mansion, our 2015 Bachelor reveals to Parmigiana that he is madly in love with her and can they bone already?

Someone got paid to decorate this.

It’s bloody beautiful.

He even gives her a present to give to her Non-Cabbage-Patch-Doll daughter, Kiev. If I wasn’t a completely stone-hearted feminist, I would have shed a tear.

Oh wait, it’s OK. Woody then gives her THE WORLD’S MOST UGLIEST RING I HAVE EVER FUNKING SEEN. According to reports, this Zamel’s monstrosity cost $22,000. And then it all makes sense…

THIS is where all the budget has gone.

The people at Bunda must be laughing their asses off at being given the boot this year.

The happy couple pash on for Australia. Woody manages to walk away looking like the good guy. And little Kiev gets a new daddy. Who will probably have to travel over to Perth on the next Greyhound bus. #budgetcuts.

Normally I would go and bury my face in the closest jar of Nutella, but not this year! My favourite two-toned-hair-extension friend, Sam Frost, is back as Bachelorette next week! HIGH FIVE FEMINISM!!

Thank for joining me, friends. It’s been a bloody pleasure.

Can somebody please pay me now??

Tags: Bachelor finale, Channel 10, channel ten, Heather, Lana, lana runner up, osher, recap, sam and snezana, Sam Wood, sam wood chooses snezana, Snezana, The Bachelor 2015, The bachelor Australia 2015, the bachelor australia 2015 episode 16, the bachelor australia recap, the bachelor australia season 3 finale recap, the bachelor australia season 3 recap, the bachelor finale recap, The Bachelor Season 3, thebachelor, thebachelorau, TheBachelorAU FInale 2015, TheBachelorAustralia

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Categories The Bachelor, The Bachelor Season 3

The Bachelor Season 3: How to Save Money and Lose Bitches

17 Sep

You know things are dire when the most interesting thing that happens is that the Bachelor DOESN’T drive a Nissan for a night?

This is actually getting beyond a joke. Like, I legit feel like I am scraping the bottom of my sarcastic joke barrel, and, when that shit is your bread and butter, you start worrying.

I would compare tonight’s episode with the classic ‘Second Date Obligation’. You know, the boring date you go on so that you can bone on the third date and not feel bad about it?

First of all, you know the producers are trying to stress to us that things are really serious and dramatic because Woody does some serious beach thinking, then some swimming thinking, then some shower thinking and finally, some towel thinking. The four corners of Bachie thinking.

But you and I both know that this is simply a ruse for the fact that Dates with No Time Limits no longer exist, plus the fact that life in Bachie world is supremely boring and unjust since Heather left.

Tonight, Woody is going to take the remaining three bitches on three more totally non-budget dates to try and figure out which one of them will be the most accommodating wife.

PARMIGIANA

Parmigiana waits patiently outside the Mansion that Spotlight Built in her leather cape. But omigod, WHO is that rounding the corner in a car that is NOT a Nissan?! Surely it can’t be Woody? WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE WORLD?! DO NISSAN KNOW ABOUT THIS??

Maybe Channel 10 lost their Nissan sponsorship and had to call on Malcolm Turnball to borrow his Lamborghini? #topical.

Do Nissan know about this??

After just driving around Sydney aimlessly for a few hours, they end up…somewhere on Sydney Harbor and Woody points to the Opera House and tells Parmigiana that they’re going there next. But first, he needs to change her out of that leather cape and into a sponsor-approved GASP dress.

Parmigiana happily obliges and actually seems legitimately impressed with the fact her communal boyfriend made her change out of her own clothes, into a dress that he prefers. (FYI fellas, chicks don’t like that shit. Once I’ve chosen the bra I’m going to wear, it would take a serious natural disaster to make me change.)

Somehow they make their way over to the Opera House and look at Sydney Harbor from the other side. Guys, shit is going down hill fast. Last year they went to funking Africa, but now I just feel like all Sam does is chaperone numerous bitches from one view of Sydney to another.

But HOLD THE PHONE HE IS TAKING HER TO A PRIVATE PERFORMANCE OF THE BALLET!

Mind you, it’s during the day and not at night when the actual paying customers show up. Parmigiana is of course v v impressed by this budget matinee and doesn’t seem to notice Woody drifting off to sleep.

Back at the View of Sydney Harbor #2, Parmigiana lays down the law about having a real child and not a Cabbage Patch Doll and Woody pretends to care about the fact they won’t be able to go on last-minute sex holidays and says a lot of words to do with expectations and connections and it is definitely not his subtle way of telling her that they are never going to happen and he is picking Lana because she is very travel and doesn’t have any children.

OBVIOUS WINNER LANA

Because Lana is very travel, Woody has obviously organised some sort of activity on a sea plane. They meet on the jetty where an apparent wind storm is f*$%ing shit up and Lana has decided now would be a good time to wear her spring hat.

There must be some sort of Bachie magnet imbedded in Lana’s skin because the guy cannot stop touching her flipping arm! It’s so off-putting I don’t remember anything they said to each other but it was probably something about travel.

Up in the sea plane they go to… Palm Beach! (As in, a beach on the other side of Sydney Harbor.) Gosh, Lana is a good actress because she looks excited about it. I would just be pissed off.

Another view of the harbor? I can’t wait!

They land in Palm Beach at another Random Living Room and have dinner in the driveway (?) where Woody continues to try and touch her arm and tell her how quickly he’s falling in love with her side-swept hair.

And then this happened…

Mate, that’s not her arm you’re touching.

BUSY BUSINESSWOMAN SARAH

We are continuing the theme of hats tonight, with Sarah awaiting her fancy mode of transport in another spring hat.

And yep, that my friends, is a bloody horse-drawn carriage. It is also white. Like this relationship.

While they fanny about in the thing that is meant to distract us from the fact they are not in a foreign country, I can’t help but wonder who is taking the tourists of Melbourne around Swanston St?

They go to a café of some sort and stare awkwardly at each other and check the label of their teacups and the whole thing kind of looks like this:

To “shake” things up (seewhatididthere?) Woody takes Sarah to a change of location and it’s, surprise surprise, a random couch somewhere! YAYYY!

They sit on said random couch and say more vanilla things while eating a cheese platter and sipping from their budget Jacob Creek’s Shiraz. Do I need to remind you again? Last year they went to FUNKING AFRICA AND NOW THEY ARE SITTING ON A RANDOM COUCH DRINKING JACOB’S CREEK! #budgetcuts.

This…

…is not THIS!

Sarah is worried because she hasn’t declared her undying love for Woody on a national TV show and we all know it’s too late because she is definitely going home tonight. I mean, she checked the brand of her teacup, their date was so non-eventful. And Sarah is clearly too busy being a businesswoman and not as travel as Lana.

COCKTAIL PARTY

Bitches mope about in their Sunday best as Woody watches little video tributes from them on his iPad, where they present their last-ditch attempts for him to wife them and doesn’t at all come across as begging.

ROSE CEREMONY

No one has the time or budget to be dicking about tonight guys. Sarah’s going home. She knows it, Woody knows it.

Even Parmigiana knows it.

Bye bye Busy Businesswoman. According to Woody, you just put up too many vanilla-flavoured walls trying to protect your dignity. Please try and remember what show you are on next time kthnxbye.

This is it, erryone. We are down to the final two in the Race for Wood! Join me tomorrow when we find out who Woody will give a cubic zirconia Zamel’s ring to in front of a view of Sydney Harbor.

Tags: Bachelor, bachelor australia episode 15 recap, Bachelor finale, Channel 10, channel ten, final two the bachelor au, Heather, Lana, lana and snezana, osher, recap, Sam Wood, sarah goes home on the bachelor, Snezana, The Bachelor 2015, The Bachelor Au, The Bachelor Au Season 3, the bachelor australia, The bachelor Australia 2015, the bachelor australia 2015 episode 15, the bachelor australia recap, The Bachelor Recap, the bachelor recaps, The Bachelor Season 3, thebachelor, thebachelorau, TheBachelorAustralia

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Categories The Bachelor, The Bachelor Season 3

The Bachelor Season 3: The Mayor of Friendzone

11 Sep

Well at least we can agree something interesting happened tonight!

Just so we’re clear, this has pretty much been my face for the last 12 hours….

I’m not OK, guys.

I really wanted to follow in the footsteps of the Melbourne tram union and go out in protest, but then again, Oprah always tells us how important it is to sort through our feelings otherwise we end up constipated and wrinkly. Neither of these things suit me.

So it’s Home Visits night – the annual event of Bachie + Bitches + Bitches Families = Awkward Level 10. And, to an extent, it didn’t disappoint.

Woody started off doing some SERIOUS water thinking and then even more serious shaving thinking. Then shirtless shaving thinking. Wow. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many neurons firing at once.

I mean, he spent most of last episode assuring the bitches that his feelings for them are not about their families, but then explains tonight that meeting their families is a McBig Deal and could make or break his feelings. #logic.

HEATHER

Ok, so Cool But Not So Cool Girl Heather hinted at the fact that she “didn’t have a proper family” last episode. I joked about her collection of beanies (and homemade jewellery) standing in for them which I now feel a little bit bad about because her dad died.

It isn’t clear what happened with Mrs Heather, but that is irrelevant because all you need to know about is…

WARWICK.

Guys. Do NOT f*%$ with Warwick.

He is a bone fide Queensland farmer/steamroller who ain’t got time for nobody. The story behind Warwick is that Heather worked on his farm from a young age and he has been like a second father to her.

He is legit terrifying.

Woody shows up with his six-pack of Peroni and best button-up shirt and tries to play the “I’m from Tasmania mate, so I’m just like you. Cows and horses and nature and stuff” card. Bitch, please.

Warwick spends his screen time dropping truth bombs on Woody and Heather and not even cracking a smile. He makes Woody go through the remaining 4 girls one by one and list off what he’s attracted to in them. The best part of this is that Woody refers to each one as “Girl 1”, “Girl 2” and so on. It has about as much emotion to it as a scientist listing off his experiment subjects.

Nothing Woody says impresses Warwick and Australia lets out a collective cheer that Warwick should be elected the new ‘Farmer Wants a Wife’. I would watch the shit out of that.

He then takes Heather upstairs to a carved wooden swing, which I bet every bloody dollar I have that he made with his own bare hands. She tells him how crazy this experience has been and Warwick basically tells her that if Woody (or any other man she may come across) hurts her, he will get his shotgun off the wall and go postal.

LANA

Cue triumphant mist music as Woody and Lana meet atop a mountain somewhere in the NSW hinterland because Lana is v v travel. She only rendezvous on magic, mystical mountains.

Woody is still completely gaga for her and they spend a solid ten minutes staring at each other on a boat. And talking about how beautiful the scenery is. I feel like I’ve seen this before…

They arrive at Lana’s house and are greeted by Mrs Lana and a mystery blonde lady. Mystery blonde lady doesn’t seem too phased by this whole business and just continues to carve up a delicious South Cape cheese platter. Because South Cape is obviously a sponsor of this show, and because I love cheese more than a lot of things, here is a picture of South Cape cheese. South Cape, can you please send me some delicious South Cape cheese now??

True love.

Mrs Lana uses a paper thin excuse to get Woody alone “downstairs” and ask him important mum questions. Lana looks worried. I think she’s scared her mum is going to show him pictures of her without her hair swept to one side.

Blah blah blah my daughter is too good for you blah blah blah don’t make her move to Melbourne you mean Bachelor man.

Nothing else interesting happens.

SARAH

Sigh. I like Sarah. But her and Woody combined are just a very large Vanilla Milkshake.

Vanilla Milkshake start off with a fancy picnic by a beach box. Reports say beach box belongs to her family. Her family got money.

Mrs Sarah puts on her Pottery Barn apron and takes Woody into the herb garden (no seriously, it was seriously a garden dedicated to herbs) and that’s when Twitter delivered this:

#accurate.

She lays down the gauntlet with this gem: “If your personality was an animal, what would it be?”

Obvi he tells her he’s a puppy. Because woolly mammoth or komodo dragon would probably scare her off. Does Woody know that puppies pee on everything and eat their own vomit??

Me? I’d be a domestic cat. I’m lazy and like people to pat me.

Blah blah they all have dinner at Sarah’s fancy house with her parents, cousins and grandma. Who is barely shown. FYI, Channel 10; nanas make excellent television. Fact. I want more nana time.

I bet you were more interesting than everyone else.

PARMIGIANA

Woody can no longer imagine Parmigiana’s daughter to be some well-loved Cabbage Patch Doll because she is HERE IN THE FLESH!

Little Kiev is super excited to see her mum and the guy who made her mum catch farm animals for him.

She has come prepared with a long list of questions, one of which requires Woody to name the capital of some sort of exotic country. He can’t do it. Geography was not Woody’s strong area in high school. The other question is, “Do you like One Direction?”

The Bachelor Season 3: The War is Over

10 Sep

The battle is over and peace may reign again my friends.

Take from that what you will. It’s a spoiler, but whatever. Don’t tell me you didn’t see it coming.

Welcome to the episode I will affectionately refer to as “The Warm-Up to Home Visits”. For realz, tonight just kind of felt like some weird mormon speed-dating/psycho beach sex party thing that we had to get through so that Sam looks more legit meeting four women’s parentals tomorrow.

Usually around this time in the show, Bachie and his harem of lady meat are whisked away to some sort of tropical/foreign/far away place where they gush over scenery and do a lot of the same kind of shit they do at home but just with nicer back-drops.

Like, in 2013 they went to Western Australia with the final 8 and then to Thailand with the final 2. Last year they went….somewhere and then to Africa? Sorry, I’ve kind of blocked the whole Blake saga from my memory. But they definitely went somewhere tropical.

But, because this is 2015, the year of #budgetcuts, Woody and his final 5 are being whisked away from Sydney to…. a beach house just outside of Sydney. They are not even trying to hide the fact they have no money anymore. Unless they are saving erry goddamn penny for the finale to be set at the freaking North Pole. Or Richard Branson’s house.

#budgetcuts.

The five bitches all look super dooper excited to be all going away for the weekend to a beach house someone rented off an Air B’n’B sale. They are sitting around in the Rotunda (clearly after the last rose ceremony) and eagerly discussing how amazing it is that some guy from Tasmania has decided that they might be potential wives for him. They cannot wait to get started on their Non-Holiday.

Uh-Oh! Der-rama!

Mother Nature has cruelly turned on Bachie and his romance dreams and has made it piss down raining, how very dare she! Not to be deterred, Woody is staying positive about their getaway and whipping up a couple of cheese platters and some Monopoly to keep everyone entertained.

And you know what happens when you combine a beach house with torrential rain? It becomes A SEX HOUSE! Hooray!

Silver linings, people!

Basically what happens from this point onwards is that Woody takes each bitch on a quick mini-date to some sort of local “beachy” attraction and then to some kind of lounge room with a beach view. #beach

Lana

Guys, Lana is showing her cute, playful side! She’s wearing her panda beanie! Gosh, she’s so cute and zany.

I got this beanie in a foreign country.

Because she is a serious golfer, they trot off to hit a few balls at the driving range. Lana shows Woody how to drive his club straight and hard.

Woody is still clearly smitten with her and continues to marvel at how travel she is and then explains that he’s “always preferred women who are smarter” than him which really doesn’t narrow it down, I’m sorry.

Then they go sit on a couch in a room somewhere. Where are they? WHO OWNS THESE RANDOM LOUNGE ROOMS THEY GO TO?! I mean, is it Osher’s dressing room? What is going ON?!

Basically Lana has final 2 in the bag and is already planning the igloo they will live in in Iceland.

Snezana

Shit is going downhill FAST, because Parmigiana’s “date” is literally the two of them walking around Random NSW Beach Town in the pouring rain.

More #budgetcuts.

You gotta love the first few weeks of dating, don’t you? When you’re like, “Oh my god, a romantic walk in the rain? I’d LOVE that!”

Fast forward five years, and it’s more like, “Are you f*$#ing kidding me?!”

Amirite, ladies?

#beach date over, they head to another random lounge room.

Parmigiana has photos of Kiev to show to Woody because Kiev is her daughter. It seems to dawn on Woody at that very moment that Parmigiana has an actual daughter and not an imaginary daughter that she dreamt up in Health class. They start throwing words like “family” and “pressure” around and all of sudden Sam is trying to figure out a way to dig himself up from this family-shaped hole he has gotten into.

Heather

Heather is the lucky one of the bunch. She gets to go to an actual restaurant. Mind you, it’s one of those restaurants stuck onto a Best Western on the side of a highway, but hey, beggars and choosers and whatnot.

Because she is still the Cool Girl of the group, they do some cool things like eat teppanyaki and piss off the chef who just flings food at them like he couldn’t give a f*#%.

I better be getting paid for this.

Cool #beach activity over, they also retire to a couch and drink beer. Because Heather is cool. Only cool people drink beer.

But more der-rama! Woody is totes worried that he and Heather are slipping back into Friendzone because she insists on calling him awful things like “dude”. This is obviously just a ploy to trick us into thinking she might go home tonight, but we ALL know who that award’s going to so do not even try that on, Channel 10!

On the other hand, Cool Girl is “shitting herself” about home visits because apparently she doesn’t have a family? I’m very confused about what she’s going to do next week. Introduce Sam to her large collection of beanies?

Big questions to be answered.

Sarah

I basically have no idea what happened here because Busy Businesswoman has poured all of her personality into her job, how very dare she, and has none left to give this show.

SURPRISE! They too sit on a random vanilla couch somewhere and say vanilla things to each other.

Best. Date. Ever.

Nina

Oh Ninz. Erryone kind of knows your time is up except for you. This is made obvious through Sam’s pre-date interview that sounds very much like the speech you make right before you break up with someone and run off with their best friend to Bali.

And by “date” I mean they stand on the side of a canal and go fishing. And by “go fishing” I mean we watch awkwardly as Sam throws a fishing line out into the water like an 8 year-old girl and tries not to make eye contact with the woman he is clearly going to dump.

Nina is worried that, should she make it to home visits, her mum will try and cut her grass which makes me extra sad because we are definitely not going to see this happen.

How I imagine Nina’s mum.

Cut to (SHUT THE FRONT DOOR) another random lounge room where some thoughtful intern has left them a cardboard box of flake and minimum chips to snack on. #beach.

Woody lists every single thing he can think of about Nina that is a euphemism for “you’re too loud and annoying” because Woody only likes girls who are feminine and quiet and don’t have opinions but she doesn’t get the hint.

Boys, if you’re reading this, “I loved your energy” is pretty much the second worst thing you can ever say to a woman, just quietly.

Poor Nina is adamant that she can still prove to Woody that she is, deep down, really boring and submissive.

Don’t count on it, babe.

Cocktail Party!

Because Woody has spent sah much time and effort coming up with all these #beach speed dates, he has decided that he is DONE, and tonight, the bitches come to him.

This sends all the bitches into a tail spin as they internally debate the pros and cons of a woman approaching a man!

Nina uses the extra thinking time to remind us that the war between the Originals and Lana the Intruder is still going strong and the total horror of their communal boyfriend choosing a bitch he has known for 3 weeks over a bitch he has known for 3 months would be an absolute travesty of justice.

Hate to break it to you, babe, but there are no participation ribbons in the game of love.

Rose Ceremony!

After the world’s least riveting cocktail party of six people sitting around on more couches, the vibe has taken a dramatic nose dive.

Please don’t make us sit on more couches.

Because Lana is so very travel, she gets the first rose.

Parmigiana and Busy Businesswoman get the next two.

Leaving Heather and the leader of the Intruder vs Original Revolution, Nina. I told you Channel 10 were going to try and pull the Seed hand crafted wool over our eyes.

Heather is final 2, y’all. Ain’t no WAY she is going anywhere.

It’s curtains for Nina. And with her, the battle is over. William Nina Wallace has been sent to the gallows, or wherever loser revolution leaders go…

Never forget.

Join me tomorrow for the reason this whole episode existed: Home Visits!

Tags: bachelor australia 2015 ep 13 recap, beach dates, budget cuts, Channel 10, Heather, home visits, Lana, nina, osher, Sam Wood, Sarah, Snezana, The Bachelor, The Bachelor 2015, the bachelor 2015 episode 13, The Bachelor Au, The Bachelor Au Season 3, the bachelor australia, The bachelor Australia 2015, the bachelor australia recap, The Bachelor Recap, the bachelor recaps, The Bachelor Season 3, the bachelor season 3 ep 13, thebachelorau, TheBachelorAustralia

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Categories The Bachelor, The Bachelor Season 3

The Bachelor Season 3: The Colour Bored

4 Sep

Wow.

I never thought I would say this, but I am legitimately running out of bitchy, sarcastic things to say.

But it is definitely not my fault.

NOTHING INTERESTING IS HAPPENING ON THIS SHOW!

A part of me didn’t even want to write this post in protest for the complete lack of drama and effort on everybody’s behalf.

I thought we were off to a good start with Woody in his Rebel Sport getup, taking a leisurely early morning kayak to think about roses and feelings. Usually this means serious der-rama is going to go down.

I really hope something interesting happens today.

Meanwhile at the House that Spotlight Built: Something something Sam, something something, connections, something something GROUP DATE!

But first, let us get into our Nissans and show you all the amazing features it has for a Nissan while we drive to our date in a Nissan for five minutes.

Guys.

They are legit filling time by showing bitches in Nissans.

No.

Rachel says that “competing against other women for a man goes against every bone in my body.” At least it’s good to know she went to the same School of Logic as the rest of the bitches.

They’re at a warehouse. They talk about culture. Oh, sorry, I mean “kulcha”. Woody loves him some kulcha.

This week the bitches have to prove they are wife material by channeling their desire to bone Sam into art work. Sam pretends to be surprised that he has to topless model for them.

Off comes the kit and the bitches cannot even stem their flows.

Kulcha!

Blah blah blah muscles, blah blah abs.

All of them are pretty shit at art and kulcha, except Parmigiana who once drew an Aphrodite mural on her bedroom wall as a teenager. Because Aphrodite is the Goddess of Love. This show is about love. Woody is looking for love. Are you picking up on this this deep yet subtle connection?

More kulcha.

Post-artwork drinks turn into an everyday booze fest and Rachel says Sam needs to “sell himself” to her because this is her life as well as his.

Somebody GOTTA tell her that Tinder exists.

As if he has magically read her mind and wasn’t placed there by the assistant producer, Woody appears and they have one of the most terrible conversations I have ever witnessed. Rachel has the people skills of a hard-boiled egg and Woody just does his best to stop his man parts shrivelling up into his body.

As a prize for her amazing kulcha skills, Parmigiana and Woody go upstairs to Randomly Placed Ikea Living Room Display. Talk talk talk about Melbourne and Perth. Sam asks if she’d be willing to move cos, you know, there aren’t any children in WA for his business to thrive on so obviously it’ll be Parmigiana and Kiev makin all the effort.

Parma doesn’t even give two f*$%s about Perth and has already bought a plane ticket. Problem solved.

SINGLE DATE.

Still banging on those battle drums, Nina will not.let.it.go when it comes to the intruders. This original vs. intruder thing is so fecking boring I want to cut my ears off and mail them to her.

Whatever trevor, bloody Busy Businesswoman Sarah is down for Date #3. She is seriously date-lapping evrryone now.

Woody has only just picked her up at the front door and I’m already bored out of my brain. They are both vanilla.

In the limo, Sarah is gifted with her own pair of “diamond” earrings and I’m all of a sudden really confused as to how a bitch was just handed some Zamel’s jewellery without having to dig for it?!

“Omigod, I’ve never been given diamond earrings before!” Honey, you still haven’t. #budgetcuts.

SURPRISE! Now they’re at a fancy room/restaurant overlooking Sydney Harbour. What a refreshing CHANGE!

I literally do not know where the next ten minutes of my life went.

Nowhere interesting. Oh yeah, Sarah got a rose. Yawn.

ROSE CEREMONY.

Ummm….. I’m sure something interesting happened here? Maybe something to do with Nina and Rachel hating each other now because… because….um…. OH YEAH! Because Rachel is v v skinny and Nina is a fat slob because she doesn’t eat paleo and is obviously not worthy of Woody love.

Yep. Normally I would shamelessly cheer on any glimmer of drunken, illogical bitchiness, but when it comes to body-shaming for no good reason, you’ve lost me.

Rachel tries again to charm Sam with her skinny good looks and warm wit but fails miserably. All of the Real Housewives combined are better at this than her.

All of this extra screen time for Rachel can only mean one thing: Girlfriend is going home. Which is probably for the best considering how nasty she is, but at the same time, a damn shame due to her being the only one with fragments of a personality.

All Original bitches get roses. Nina is extremely happy about this. It’s down to Rachel and Lana and OBVIOUSLY Lana ain’t goin anywhere because she is sah travel and we all saw Woody lose his knickers over her last episode.

And yep…. she’s gone. No one cares. Including me.

Guys, I really don’t know what’s going on. People keep telling me that it’s mainly to do with the fact that Sam is legit there looking for real love and doesn’t want to lead anybody on.

WELL. If that’s the case, someone at Channel 10 ain’t doing their job properly.

Can someone please go and grow a personality? Kthnxbyyyyye.

Tags: bachelor australia 2015 ep 12, Channel 10, Lana, nina, Osher. Heather, rachel, Sam Wood, Sarah, Snezana, The Bachelor, The Bachelor Au, The Bachelor AU Episode 12, The Bachelor Au recap, the bachelor au recaps, the bachelor australia, The bachelor Australia 2015, the bachelor australia 2015 recaps, the bachelor australia season 3, the bachelor season 3 ep 12 recap, thebachelorau, TheBahcelorAU

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Categories The Bachelor, The Bachelor Season 3

The Bachelor Season 3: Eggs Over Easy

3 Sep

I think the message has really hit home this week, guys….

Wife Hunting is SERIOUS BIZNAZ!

And, in this case, love really IS a battlefield.

Serious battle faces ON.

Gosh, between the tears and the sweating and the ovaries, it’s become the dating equivalent of the Bar Exam.

Because things are tres #serious, the bitches are sitting around the Formal Dining Room talking seriously about how seriously sad they are that their sister wife Elbow got kicked to the curb.

Tall Blonde Bitch #4 Who is Actually an Intruder, Rachel, feels super bad that she got a rose and Ebru didn’t. The guilt is practically consuming her.

The other bitches are quick to console her; “Babe, it’s tooootally not your fault, mmkay? Our boyfriend is under serious pressure right now. Finding a wife is like finding a cure for cancer.”

Because she is into cars and shit, Nina is obviously all about competition. She cannot stop talking about the Original Bitches vs. Intruder Bitches. It is clearly the original bitches versus the intruder bitches. I mean, clearly the original bitches deserve more love because they have been sitting around a waterfront mansion WAY longer than the intruder bitches!

Osher arrives in a polka dot shirt, looking fresh as a daisy thankyouverymuch, and delivers TWO DATE CARDS! IT’S PRACTICALLY A PARTY!

Cool But Not So Cool Girl Heather calls somebody “Bruz Cuz” because it’s important that we remember that she is still really cool and down with it.

GROUP DATE.

Jennifer Love Hewitt! It’s the Ovaries Test this week! Hooray!

A million children descend from a neighbouring hill, wielding sticky hands and give-a-f*$% attitudes! The bitches look terrified. Woody, on the other hand, is watching closely to see whose uterus is glowing with the promise of new life. CHILDREN! OVARIES! HORMONES! MATERNAL!

The paper-thin premise seems to be that each bitch will be in charge of their own “station” of child-related exercise/activity and I really really hope that teeball is involved because I was ALL about that as a 10 year-old.

All of the bitches are honestly way more concerned about approaching a bunch of children than hey should be. They hang back in their denim butt shorts, looking wary and terrified while the wildling children go ape-shit on some sports equipment.

Super Busy Businesswoman Sarah admits she “doesn’t know how to talk to kids”. Now, I ain’t no parent, but I’m preeetty sure they speak the same language as us and, FYI Sarah, if you hadn’t already noticed, it is very important that you get along with children and prove your ovaries are worthy of Woody wood. Haven’t you learnt ANYTHING?!

Parmigiana, on the other hand, is all over this like a rash. Because she has had heaps of Children practice with her own Child, Kiev. Luckily, the native Children pick up on this and don’t try to assimilate her.

Tall Blonde Bitch #4 is clearly barren because she is not connecting with any of the Children and her ovaries are failing her miserably. Lesbihonest, she is really here to try and inject some drama into this vanilla-flavoured Bachie Pudding, and will clearly not be getting to the end. That position is reserved for Intruder Lana who is just saaaah natural with the Children and talks to them like they are humans and helps them throw basketballs through hoops like a maternal champ.

Unfortunately, she wasn’t around earlier in the season to prove her bubble soccer and sheep-wrangling skills, so she isn’t home and hosed just yet, guys.

Finally it’s Nina’s turn to bat, and Heather has faith in her because she is “physically tougher.” (This is a bad euphemism for “Nina’s the fat one.” Kind of like how “Communications Assistant” = Receptionist. I’m on to you, Cool But Not So Cool Girl..).

Cut to mandatory shot of Woody showing how NATURAL he is with Children and doing totally non-prompted push-ups with a Child on his back. The bitches are all suddenly pregnant.

Yeah! Feminism!

After they recover from their PTCS (Post Traumatic Child Syndrome) at the Mansion that Spotlight Built, it’s time for Single Date. Errybody is certain that it is Nina’s turn for a second date and DEFINITELY not either of the Intruders because that would be a freaking travesty of justice.

LOL JKS! Intruder Lana gets the date, suckaaaas!

Nina is bloody ROPABLE because, although she’d come to terms with her boyfriend dating 6 other bitches, how very DARE a new bitch come in and go on a date with him! The original bitches gather around to console her and Heather says she can’t imagine “how it feels to be on Nina’s end” because she’s usually too busy thinking about being on Woody’s end, ifyouknowwhaddamean?

Nina goes inside to cry herself a river, but Lana could not even give two f*$#s because she is down at some boat shed faster than you can say anal glands.

Look, I’m kind of getting a little tired of all these boat/water-related things that they keep doing. I mean, how hard is it to book a ghost tour or get a mechanical bull brought in for some real dating fun?

Woody and Lana’s date is basically 10 minutes of water, travel and eyes. They parasail over the water, talk about how travel Lana is and compliment each other on the beautiful eyes they have grown.

Seriously, can someone drop Sandra or Emily back in and make things interesting again?

Water activities complete, Woody takes Lana to a waterfront restaurant where a guy who looks like Ed Sheeran is singing some naff song on the balcony just for them and trying not to cry with shame. I bloody hope Zamel’s are paying him well.

I’m pretty sure one of these guys was there….?

They do some romantic dancing to the naff music while the poor guy is just standing there singing at them, and it is about as awkward as watching a few baby seals being clubbed to death. I’ve never hated something so much.

However, during their post-dance chat about how travel Lana is because she lived in Mexico and has been to Iceland, it becomes pretty clear that Woody is falling for this intruder hook, line and sinker. He says something about “reassessing” his feelings. In other words, he is falling in love with Lana and BachMan and H-Bomb are nothing but a distant memory. The other bitches are going to be SO. PISSED that Woody has forsaken an Original for an Intruder. But at least something interesting might happen, amirite?

Did that jelly wrestle meaning NOTHING to you?!

Lana returns to the Wife Detention Centre just in time for the rose ceremony, looking v v much like the Intruder Cat who got the Bachie Cream. The other bitches aren’t even trying to pretend they are happy for her. They are legit giving as much as a f*#$ as those kids they taught “sports” to this morning. (Side note: apparently that ginger who sang to Woody and Lana is famous?!)

#acting.

What follows is several minutes of cat’s bum expressions and awkward drinking. Things have gotten so serious that they are not even attempting to mingle or go outside anymore but are literally just sitting and waiting in silence for their shared boyfriend to come and speak to them for a few seconds. #serious #romance.

Except for Tall Blonde Intruder (Rachel) who is the new resident Biatch now that Emily has left. The producers are clearly trying to set up some last-minute tension between her and Nina because we can’t POSSIBLY go into the final episodes of this show with all the women LIKING each other! I mean, that would be a bloody outrage!

Nina keeps banging on her battle drum, talking about the rivalry between the Originals and the Intruders and that if she gets dumped for an intruder she will cut someone. I’m a bit worried this means she is definitely being dumped for an intruder.

ROSE CEREMONY.

Shit is still super serious as Osher comes in and does his rose maths. One bitch’s ovaries will be sent home tonight.

Lana already has a rose, Heather and Parmigiana get a rose, leaving Nina, Rachel and Busy Businesswoman Sarah. The three of them look totes emoshi and #serious. Woody is stalling. He seems to be doing some serious thinking. Emotions are running high. There is no body of water in the immediate vicinity to help soften the thinking pain; it’s looking grim. Everyone starts worrying this might happen….

Bachie feelings.

And he’s out.

Woody has dropped the rose and hot-footed it outside. The pressure has gotten too much for the poor pet. GOSH wife-hunting is hard.

Woody calls desperately for Osher who comes out to the kitchen completely bewildered that someone has proactively asked to see him! It seems as if his CLEO Bachelor of the Year skills are FINALLY being put to good use! Don’t worry, Woody, Oshie got this. Feelings, feelings, wingman, feelings, connections, feelings.

This guy: putting out fires left right and centre

Heartfelt emotional crisis over, Woody returns to his harem ready to boot….wait…what is that? Is that a third rose in his hand? What is happening? Why does Woody have extra roses? Why is he blatantly going against Osher’s rose maths? He’s giving ALL the bitches a freaking rose! THIS IS NOT THE RULE OF TRUE LOVE, WOODY!

You get a rose! You get a rose!

This is the worst. All that #serious drama and no one bloody goes home in a Nissan.

It’s the dating equivalent of getting a participation ribbon.

You’re on probation, Woody.

Tags: bachelor australia, bachelor australia season 3 ep 11, bachie, Heather, Jamie Lawson, Lana, nina, osher, Sam Wood, Snezana, The Bachelor, the bachelor 2015 recaps, the bachelor australia, The bachelor Australia 2015, the bachelor australia 2015 episode 11, The Bachelor episode 11 recap, thebachelor, thebachelorau, TheBachelorAU recap

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Categories The Bachelor, The Bachelor Season 3

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