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The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: BitchCrashers

22 Aug

*INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT!*

Retrieve your weapons, kids. Intruder bitches have infiltrated the Bat Cave and are on the prowl for sexy time with Blake Vader.

But before we investigate this breach of security, we must backtrack a little to a simpler time when Richard Mercer managed to get himself a yacht…

We open with another “casual” group hang out on the patio, where the bitches are talking about going on dates with Blake…SURPRISE!

Osher has called in sick again and so his 2IC, Chantal, begins her weekly spiel of explaining all of the complex and intricate goings on at the Mansion. But, WHAT?! Osher shows up! Albeit for a moment to give the ladies a glimpse of his impressive new weave and drop off a date card. Chantal looks disappointed.

Jess/Elsa reads the card with enough wonderment on her face to stun an elephant. Looks like Lousie (the one with the permanent lipstick) is going on the individual date this time. From the clever wording of the date card, the bitches decipher this date will involve Vader’s favourite things: water and/or a boat. They jump up and down in excitement for him.

Cut to Vader himself, casually gazing at the horizon from atop said boat. He explains to the camera that Louise is the most glamorous of the bitches so he wants to see if she can let loose and have fun. With champagne and seafood on a luxury yacht on Sydney Harbor. Because money.

For realz, Vader’s idea of challenging Glamazon to let loose is taking her on an effing yacht cruise. There are people lining up at St Vinnie’s with Coles vouchers and this bitch is slumming it with a bottle of Bollinger. I hate them both.

Whatever, they are both looking v v nautical with monochrome and stripes. Vader once again manages to notice that she is “rocking” her off-the-shoulder dress. Honestly, next thing you know, he’ll be taking them all to Broadway Jazz lessons and teaching them how to sew sequins onto skinny jeans.

As she steps onto the floating mansion, Mufasa explains to Simba that, “everything the light touches is our kingdom.” Simba/Lousie looks happy. She’s imagining all the vintage earrings she’ll be able to wear when they entertain royal subjects.

 

simba mufasa 2

We own this joint

Hooray! We’re eight minutes in and Mufasa is shirtless. I knew he could only stay clothed for so long. Simba/Louise strips down to a designer one piece. Also white. I’m sensing a white theme here – white boat, white wine, white bathers, lame white girl. The Manly Ferry chugs past the White Floating Palace and all the passengers gawk at the nakedness. Regardless of the possible gay thing, he is just so burly. So very burly.

All this staring at his pecs makes Vader feels a little self conscious, so the Love Boat weighs anchor and he takes Simba/Louise down to the poopdeck.

Meanwhile, Chantal and Sam have a scripted bitch session about Canadian Horse Whisperer and Simba/Louise. Which has obviously been written by a man. FYI Channel 10, women are mean. Hire a female script writer for the love of God.

Anyhoo, Simba/Louise gets back from her pretentious day on a boat and the group date card arrives. But DER-RAMA! It simply says, “Cocktails & Dreams.” One of the bitches makes the observation that this date card is very vague on the details. No shit, babe. Here we were automatically assuming Tom Cruise would be visiting to make you all Midori Splices.

The bitches look nervous. Osher’s back from Pilates for the evening and this time it’s him who needs to steal Blake away. This makes the bitches even more nervous and they pout at each other awkwardly.

Outside, Vader assumes Osh is there to talk to him about Bachelor-y things. After all, this guy is a CLEO Bachelor of the Year profesh! But Osher drops the WORLD FIRST BOMBSHELL that nine bitches are just not enough for one man, and so some fresh slappers will be entering the Bat Cave tonight.

Richard Mercer does his very best stripper acting, pretending to look shocked. But like the pro he is, he dutifully strikes a pose at the bottom of the runway and awaits the next batch of crazies.

Mary arrives and she is actually terrifying. Like, she has snake eyes that could bore through a skull. Apparently Mary is an “acting student” and her dream man is a tall, gay stripper man on a reality show. Convenient. Being an actor and all, she should be used to being around gay guys, so obviously they click. Rachael is next and she is Holly 2.0. I’mma call her Hachael. Unfortunately for her, she is even less interesting than Holly 1 and seems to have forgotten how to make facial expressions.

We don’t get any montage of Anastasia or Tarni. All you need to know is that Anastasia has supremely large teeth and Tarni doesn’t appear to have any lips. (On her MOUTH…come on guys!) But is Tarni even a name? Thank Oprah Tiarni and Sharni have left because can you IMAGINE the confusion?!

The other girls are Lauren and Aley. An actor/dancer and fashion blogger respectively. I.e. a waitress and an online shopper. I’m seriously putting that Logie vote in for these job descriptions. All up, there are six Bitch Crashers. Now, I don’t wanna say who just yet, but I am pretty sure at least one of them has a penis.

To say the original bitches are pissed is an understatement like no other. They are SAAAAAAAAHH pissed you can almost see them turn red under the layers of fake tan.

Bane/Laurina has a HR meeting with Blake and informs him he has breached her trust and she’s going to report him to the Supervisor for emotional trauma. Her eyebrows try to cry but it’s a lost cause. But credit where credit’s due; Blake Vader might be Channel 10’s tall, chocolate puppet, but despite this, he pulls out some of the most impressive sweet talking since Boyz II Men’s last record. Laurina melts like Tori Spelling’s boobs on a hot day.

On the other hand Sam, who usually loves to announce to anybody with ears that she is funny and dorky, does a complete Linda Blair and 180-ies on poor Vader. He tries to talk to her privately too but she is not having a bar of it and all the other bitches are stunned because no one EVER says no to The Bachelor.

Eventually she agrees to go and chat outside and his voice over tells us that Sam was feeling a lot of feelings and feelings are important because he feels things for her in his feelings. Feelings. His voice drops so many octaves that he becomes inaudible again. Props to Sam for being able to decipher a bloody word of that. Whatever Trevor, must have worked, because she looks happy again and is escorted back to the Red Room of Pain. (While we’re on this, we were able to see Sam from the back as she walked into the Mansion, and jussayin, girlfriend needs to run a comb through that hair.)

Craydar readings are spiraling out of control inside, as Canadian Horse Whisperer loses her shit. Um…just quietly, bitch needs to Stem. Her. Flow. Not only is she crying and wailing and just being a complete nutcase, but she’s saying lots of big words like, “devalued” and “depreciating” and comparing this show to being on the stock market. Because dating nine girls is OK but dating fifteen girls is like, not OK and how very dare he depreciate her stock.

Call of the night, though, goes to Cara who proclaims that this incident is a, “travesty of justice.” Now, I’m not 100% sure this even makes logical sense, but if it does, I’d bet my weave that that is completely not what this is. Cara, your face is a travesty of justice.

ROSE CEREMONY

The original bitches are giving serious stank eye because Hachael/Holly 2.0 gets a rose BEFORE some of them! Her facial expression still doesn’t change though, in case you were wondering.

Then Mufasa goes to offer Canadian Horse Whisperer a rose, but something dramatic is happening and Omigosh she is mouthing “sorry” to the other bitches and hesitating and I can’t deal because is she quitting? My emotions are reaching breaking point because I hate her but I love her and I’m so torn I just can’t even! But then she storms out onto the balcony like a cry baby and every viewer in Australia is just thinking SHUT. IT. DOWN. But also don’t because this bitch is making my life.

Luckily for us, Vader offers her a lifetime supply of maple syrup and bacon and she pulls herself together and joins the other bitches in the Bat Cave. Crisis averted.

In case anybody cared, two of the intruder bitches don’t get a rose. The one without lips and another girl who needs a good steak sandwich and chips.

So now the numbers are back into the healthy two digits. Will Vader discover which intruder has man parts? Will we see Louise without red lipstick on? Will Sam borrow Cara’s brush and do her hair properly? Sah many questions.

Join me next week when Richard Mercer demonstrates the completely non-sexist values of this show by pitting the bitches against each other in a Bake-Off.

 

 

intruders

So much manliness

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The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: Vader vs. Bane

21 Aug

First up, I’mma say two things: this business of having TWO episodes a week on consecutive nights is accelerating the aging process at a rate I am not OK with. Because I am attempting to maintain a social life after 30 (true story) I sometimes miss parts of episodes and have to re-watch via streaming. Which is time-consuming. Srzly. The internets need to start paying me.

Second of all: BECAUSE of aforementioned programming, the resulting eps are becoming more and more uninteresting and formal. Like, Blake just seems to take a bitch out on a date, thank her for shit he’s not sure she even did, hands her a business card then heads to the studio to start his Love Song Dedications shift.  I’m bored already.

Yes I’m whinging. But I’m 30 now. I have furrow lines and a seniors card so I’m allowed. Whatever, on with proceedings…

TONIGHT’S EPISODE

Evidently Osher was held back at his cross fit session this week, because he is once again not there to dish out the individual date. But what is also evident is that Laurina’s eyebrows went to Maths class with Osher because she explains something something 4 out of 10 which means 25% chance. Because maths.

And because she aced the pop quiz, she gets the individual date and the other bitches are saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah annoyed. I know this because the producers have taken to playing Bane’s theme music from Batman every time she’s mentioned. (I’m not even joking; close your eyes and listen to those dulcet tones.)

 

kinopoisk.ru

Everyone hates you, Laurina

This is actually top news for me because I have been aching for the episode where Vader and Bane would spend quality time together.

Vader comments that Laurina is only wearing her sneakers and jeans but is still “rocking it”. Look, I don’t wanna say I told you so, but straight men don’t talk like that. Jussayin.

Because the future of Gotham depends on it, Vader has decided to push Laurina out of a plane take her skydiving.

He explains in his uniquely spontaneous way that he is deathly scared of heights, and Laurina’s strength has inspired him to overcome this. In other words, she has bigger balls than he does and he’s hoping they will be there to cushion his fall. Sounds legit. While he reads off the autocue about “big black clouds” and “rain pouring down”, we are treated to lovely shots of a pink/grey sunset and gentle droplets of rain on a pond. Terrifying.

Unfortunately, Vader isn’t allowed to fly the plane they go up in; but guys, he’s wearing a rugged leather jacket, so we know he means business! In a fit of spite, he jumps out of said plane with Bane right behind him. And I just can’t even.

While trying to stop her face from peeling off of her skull, Laurina inadvertently shows us that she has more mouth skin than a bloodhound. “NO! NOT MY FACE!” she cries, as she hurtles towards earth with only her enormous jowls to soften the impact.

Luckily, her instructor has packed an actual parachute, and she makes inappropriate sex noises as they start the much gentler decent to ground. BUT DER-RAMA! Her hair has come loose in the process of plummeting downwards at 240km/hour. So she f&*#ing re-dids it then and there! Because priorities. Her ponytail is getting right up in her instructor’s grill as he is trying to navigate them safely to the ground and you can practically sense his urge to just cut her loose. Babe, no one would blame you.

Once landed, Laurina keeps saying “traumatized” and hugs Vader a lot, but really just seems relieved that her eyelids are still in the same place.

Meanwhile, at the mansion Spotlight built, Osher FINALLY shows up to set and tells the other bitches they are going to hang out at a kindergarten for the group date. Because ovaries.

After their traumatic experience, Richard Mercer takes Bane to the The Block apartments his “Bachelor Pad” for some fancy tapas and possible eyeing of the tiger. Obvi, this isn’t Blake’s ACTUAL house because he looks superbly unsure of where he is going, particularly after Shelley Craft has just been in with her team to jazz it up with everything from Kmart Home. But Laurina is super impressed because she is elongating vowels all over the place!

“Oh my gaaaaaaaaaawwd! It’s gawgeeerrss! Thank yoouuuuuui so muuuuuuuuuuch!”

In return, Vader decides to make her EXpresso martinis. *face palm*

They get ploughed with vodka and EXpresso and she gets a rose. Boring.

But then she returns to the Red Room of Pain to tell all the other bitches about her traumatic experience. The girls are pretty sure the date would have been shit, but are caught off guard when Bane starts laugh-crying like a champ. For realz, she puts Tyra Banks to shame. She keeps saying trauma again and then likens her jowl- flapping experience with that of Passion of the Christ.

No.

The bitches do their best acting, trying to seem concerned for Bane’s face, but are not-so-secretly dying inside. Luckily, the group date commences and everyone is happily passive aggressive again.

The ladies show up at a local kindergarten while Vader is busying himself doing weight training with children strapped to his arms. Also, Vader talking to all these children in his baritone has inspired my new nickname for him: Mufasa.

 The bitches are saaaah happy because they all love children and they need to show Mufasa that they have the maternal instinct. Cue lots and lots of face painting, squealing and tea parties. Oh and then the kids showed up. (I’m very good at jokes.)

Canadian Horse Whisperer is just hating on errybody today, especially Jess/Elsa who she believes is inappropriately muscling in on her quality time in the sand pit. So as punishment, at story time, CHW pretends she has a magic Disappearing Potion and disappears Jess/Elsa out of the way. At this moment, despite her never-failing smile, Jess/Elsa is wishing she had a pack of magically appearing horses to allery that Canadian bitch to Hell.

Blake’s Craydar is picking all of this up and he is not having a bar of it. In his to-camera bit, he forlornly asks, “Can’t everybody just get along? Is that too much to ask?”

Yah. Yeah it is, mate. THIS IS THE HUNGER GAMES! These bitches would tear each others’ fallopian tubes out with their teeth, given the chance.

After the face paint and immaturity has been washed off, they all get their babs out for the cocktail party and, turns out, Chantal has taken it upon herself to be Osher’s 2IC. She busies herself explaining things and asking the other bitches personal questions. This is all fine until the surviving curly-haired girl from last week, Zoe, is mentioned. Chantal is v v unimpressed that Zoe is not falling over her Spumanti to marry Blake right away. I mean, WHAT. A. PSYCHO.

Chantal’s fears are unwarranted, however, because Zoe gets a rose. Evidently, Mufasa saw enough of the inside of Zoe’s walls to keep her around. And he’s getting sick of all these straight-haired women. Alana, on the other hand, gets the boot. I mean, she didn’t get ANY paint on her face on the group date. How could she?!

Soz Alana. See you on the playground.

Weeeeeee!! Post-ep teasers tell us the new intruder bitches are arriving tonight! One looks potentially cross-dresser-y. This is very good news.

dog-catching-wind

My face! Not my FACE!!!

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The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: Double Banger

15 Aug

So I’m back from the tropics and straight into the crazy bitches. Yes, I did miss last Thursday’s episode, but I was v occupied turning thirty and getting a white girl tan (bee tee dubs, Melbourne, you suck. I’m moving.)

Aaanyway, despite hideous jet lag, or maybe a few too many G&T’s on the plane, I am coming to you live with a double feature on this week’s Bachelor happenings that will encompass both Wednesday and Thursday nights’ episodes.  Hold on tight,because that’s a lot of bitchy staring.

PART 1 – BITCHES, START YOUR ENGINES

Even in a foreign country I got the news that Goal Attack had voluntarily LEFT! For a “netball opportunity”.  You guys, let’s all clap for Holly and her team for making it to the semi-finals against the Toowoomba Waratahs. Because I’m all about celebrating success.

So tonight, Osher comes straight from his Bikram yoga class to the mansion and talks to the girls about dates. Because this is a show about dating and one of them is about to go on a date. But we quickly get some commentary from Amber about how the dates are NEVER for her and how she’s really desperate waiting around for a guy to ask her out.  Yah.  That’s pretty much the premise of this show.  Lisa also says something not that important, but it is at this point that I really notice that deep voice of hers.  Maybe she and Blake are related? Now THAT be a twist I could get on board with.

Amber’s desperation misses out and the date goes to Sam. Amber throws one of her tanties. Sam pretends to feel bad. But then she finds Blake Vader posing in front of an old car that he pretends to know stuff about. She looks happy again. They talk about cars.  I’m sensing this car theme again, guys.

They drive for a bit but then stop at a set of lights where he tells her to, “remember this moment.” Of sitting in peak-hour traffic.  Magic.

Blah blah they go to a drive-in movie.  But before they can partake in the beauty of cinema they pay a visit to Tasty Shakes* and her diner for some old-school burgers and fries.  Tasty Shakes does a really awkward pirouette thing on her skates and brings them a banana split. Vader sincerely tells Sam he will try to, “not get any on your face.”

STOP. IT.

Because romance.

He then takes Sam to the hire car and she settles in, preparing to watch some old-school movie she’ll have to pretend to like.  But no! Oh my god, they’re going to watch The Life of Sam. Obvi I am just waiting for Mike Munro to walk out from behind that screen with his red book and majestically narrate Sam’s life story.  No no. Instead we see lots of lame pictures of Sam at parties and some footage that could be any random young child dancing around a room.  But we do learn that Sam’s constant upward inflection is a trait also shared by her sister/mother person/lady.

Vader tells a teary-eyed Sam that this was his way of thanking her.  For what I’m not at all sure, but I am pretty sure that he was actually enjoying a green smoothie with Osher when the video editors knocked this up.

GROUP DATE!

Amber’s tanty comes through for her and she gets a spot on the group date to….a race track. Cue many amazing puns on finding a co-pilot on the “road to love”. Diana reveals that she is ready to show Blake the roadmap to her open heart.  Gross.

The deal is, the bitches have to be blindfolded and drive through an obstacle course with only Richard Mercer to guide them with his gearstick voice.  Now, I actually hate the assumption that women are bad drivers.  Bloody HATE IT. Considering I am one of the best parallel and reverse parkers you will ever meet, I almost take it personally. But girls…COME ON.  You all suck.

More puns about roads and feelings without anyone getting run over.  Chantal wins the aforementioned blindfolded challenge and gets some alone time with Vader. Speeding around the track in another car. She’s again coming across all rational and articulate, until the producers notice that Blake is having trouble keeping up with her and suddenly she switches to talking about sexy cars. Vader remembers the sexy car he got to drive today and the light returns to his eyes.  Crisis averted, guys.

But then later, Amber shows up to the mansion with a rose?! How did she get it?  WHEN did she get it? Did she drug the props assistant and steal it from his cold, dead hands? Does Blake know about this?

Whatever, she lauds it over all the other bitches like NO ONE’S BUSINESS and they all stare at her and wish they had a flock of rabid horses at their disposal to allergy her to death.

At the Rose Ceremony, Katrina the musician declares that she hasn’t had enough alone time with Barry White apart from small talk and such and so has….*tear*…written him a letter.  She gracefully pulls the document out of the boob area of her dress (because class) and gifts it to an unsuspecting Blake. I’ll be honest here. The episode that I downloaded wigged out on me at this point and went all fuzzy and bejiggity. These are technical terms.  But I’m pretty sure I can assume what happened:

Katrina: I wrote you a letter. It’s in my boob.

Vader: A letter? With your hands?

Katrina: It’s about feelings. My feelings. I thought you’d want to know about my feelings.

Vader: I like feelings. And cars.

Katrina: Here is the letter. I was drunk when I wrote it.

Vader: Thank you. My hair stylist will enjoy reading this.

 

Yes? Yes. There is also a drawing involved in this boob letter but I just don’t have enough time or energy to get into that. It’s basically hideous though.

Luckily, Vader isn’t too perturbed by strange, voodoo portraits of himself, and Katrina sticks around. Some poor girl called Lauren gets the heel in the arse and has her flame extinguished. She mustn’t like cars. I wonder if there’ll be cars next episode? Stay tuned…

 

*Tasty Shakes = may not be her actual name

mike-monroe

You had one job, Mike.

 

 

PART TWO – THE CHINESE GARDEN OF BITCHINESS

*SPOILER ALERT*

I’m not very happy about the ending of this episode, but i’mma try to get through this part as best I can without throwing an Amber bitch fit.

We open with a sunrise over rocks.  And water.  Seems legit. The ladies are sitting around the drawing room in their playsuits pretending to like each other. Also legit.  Any minute Osher should come gliding through the door with a date card to talk to them about dating.  But it doesn’t happen. He. Doesn’t. Show. Up.

Did he do too many downward dogs and pass out? Maybe he choked on his chia pudding? The questions fly through my head before I’m distracted by Chantal’s announcement that tonight will be a double date with only one bitch declared the survivor. They are told they have one hour to make themselves look hotter than the other one.  But who will it be?

Turns out Barry White must have had nightmares over Katrina’s boob letter/drawing thing because she’s selected.  Along with Zoe.  The other curly-haired girl. Someone makes the very astute observation that they are two different people. Yeah, but guys, they both have curly hair!  Obviously, there can only be one curly-haired girl.  (I legit said that out loud about a second before Laurina said the exact same thing. And then I vommed a little in my soul; are we becoming the same person?! HELP!)

So Kat is a musician kinda like Holly was a netballer. And Zoe is a pharmacist in Vanuatu. So she wears a lot of maxi dresses. Yep.  They are saaaaah different.

They arrive at the Chinese Garden of Friendship/Drama and Vader looks honestly relieved that he’ll only have one curly-haired girl’s name to remember after today.

They both change into matching (and also slighty racist) Chinese gowns and sit down to dinner.  Now, hear me out, but here in my house we are starting to think that Vader may be a little bit of a secret homo. Because just like any good gay husband, his Craydar was switched to maximum power, picking up on the underlying der-rama between the two curly-haired girls. Neither was overly willing to get the claws out in front of him, so instead they just had an awkward chat about not really knowing each other, while secretly whispering death curses under their breath.  Honestly? Barry White looked disappointed. I know I was.

But no matter, because the chefs were right behind them bringing in a selection of weird and wonderful dishes that they were all going to try.  And by weird and wonderful, I mean just weird. Like sea cucumber and duck tongue. Which led to the call of the night (and possibly the season) when young Katrina declared, “I just tongued a duck.” I feel like we could be friends.

Evidently Katrina made the duck call because she is clearly being out-shone by Zoe in the curly-haired girl stakes. So she recites pretty much the same speech her counsellor has been giving her about being deep for the last few years. I just can’t even. If there’s nothing a guy likes more, it’s a random regurgitated psychoanalysis. Because feelings.

In an effort to get home to the non-curly-haired women, Richard Mercer quickly pulls each girl aside for a moment to chat. Zoe is v v rational and normal (and boring) but then tells us that she’s 99.9% sure the conversation went really badly.  Obvi because being rational and logical is punishable by death on this show.

But not to Richard Mercer, because he keeps her around and sends the other curly-haired girl home. At this point, I’m looking for a white rose again, but it’s no where to be seen.  Looks like that gimmick sank quicker than Kirsty Alley’s Jenny Craig contract. What he does give her, however, is a bloody diamond bracelet! Wait, make that a 64-DIAMOND BRACELET. Because Vader likes to do math, he needs to point out how many diamonds are in this bracelet that he didn’t buy for her. Maybe he got it from the same dealer he gets all his sexy cars from?

Back at the mansion, the bitches get mail. “What do you reckon it is?” asks one of them.  I’mma go out on a limb here girls and say it’s someone’s acceptance latter to Yale.  No wait, I was wrong, it’s a date card. SURPRISE!

Hide your crucifixes and your incense, ladies, because Anita is staying home this week! Luckily she still has that cocker spaniel hidden somewhere in the mansion to play with.

Ooh ooh, it’s a Psycho Beach Party! Well, not really, but a Psycho, Sexy Pool Party, proudly sponsored by Ikea Living. There are even fake flamingos.

Guys, it’s a pretty non-event where the bitches get naked and cheer on Vader to take his shirt off like any good stripper. Princess Diana gets a moment to chat with Vader and they awkwardly hold hands while she says travelling a lot. Because travel. All this travel talk makes Blake feel sad that he isn’t as travel as Diana, so he goes and talks to Louise. Who, just bee tee dubs, is wearing the most inappropriate earrings for a pool party! I’m sorry, I don’t care what medication you are on, but dangly, ornate earrings are not suitable poolside attire. And don’t even get me started on the make up and hair. For some reason, Louise thought they were shooting a Harpers Bazaar feature in the Maldives. Sweetie, this is a backyard in Sydney. Get your effing hair wet.

Speaking of hair, we’re back at the Rose Ceremony, and someone has obviously picked up on my disapproval of Kara’s hair, because this week she’s had the once over with the ghd and some smoothing serum.

Anita is back in action and steals Barry White away for a moment to have an “in-death” talk. Guys, that was not a typo. Not in-depth; she said “in -death”. Someone hold me.

Her idea is to ask him lots of questions and get to know more about him, but what happens instead is she giggles manically and spills her life plan of living in his attic and having ten million of his babies. Blake is understandably terrified, but remembers that as long as he keeps Anita in the game, Mr Important Executive will keep hiring fancy cars for him to drive. Moral Quandary!

OSHER! He finally shows up after his spray tan has dried and gives them all another maths lesson.  Apparently TWO bitches are going home tonight! Wait, what?! But…but….that curly-haired already left earlier in the episode.

Look, Channel 10, we had this problem last year. You can’t do this to me! They are dropping like flies! NO. Just NO. I will not accept this from you.

But as if to rub salt in the wound, both Diana AND Anita are sent home from Whore Island. I am not OK with this. Look, I was under no silly impression that Richard Mercer kept them in the game because he ACTUALLY liked them, but for realz? Both at the same time?! I’m crying into my Maltesers when…

POST-EPISODE DER-RAMA

 

NEW GIRLS ARE COMING!!!

Just like in Big Brother, we are getting Intruders next week. The current bitches are pissed. I am overjoyed. Omigod, remember Miriam the intruder from BB? I wonder if any of these girls have a penis too….

 

grumpy cat

No, Channel 10. One bitch at a time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: Save a Horse, Ride a Bachelor

6 Aug

It’s time to get down and dirty ladies! Or not really dirty at all, despite the constant reminders.

This week was all about nature. Blake opened the episode by downgrading his yacht from last week, and instead, manning a kayak/canoe/dingy thing.  I’m obviously not one for nautical terms, but basically it required him to not wear a shirt.  Because water.

There was no time for mucking around tonight because we were jumping straight into the individual date…which went to White Rose Holly.  Now, can I just say, if you got the white rose on the first night, wouldn’t you expect to be taken on the first date, because obvi he likes you better then those other bitches?  Or is that too logical? Whatever, like any good Goal Attack, she snagged the shot.

Blake, who for the rest of this blog will be known as Vin Diesel, banged on about how he needed to up the ante on these dates and pretended to have organised a bloody sea plane.  I would have paid good money to see him actually try and fly that thing. But I got distracted by Holly’s INAPPROPRIATE SHORTS! Call me a prude if you must, but I just cannot get on board with fully grown women who wear shorts with the pockets hanging down their legs.  You are trying to bag a husband, not a vagina tan.

So they take off in the sea plane, and it’s all Seven Days, Seven Nights, except Holly isn’t a pretend lesbian (if you don’t get this reference, I’m not sure we can be friends).  She gushes a bit about the effort Blake has gone to for her; and it’s once again obvious to everyone not on this date that Vin Diesel has simply read his call sheet, put on a shirt (boo) and pretended to know what’s going on.

Blah blah they fly in the plane and then they’re on the beach.  As they come over the sand dunes, I legit think the Australian Children’s Choir is there to sing them I Still Call Australia Home.  Unfortunately, no.  But it IS an orchestra.  Because what else adds to the romance of a date on the beach than a 20-person orchestra?  Goal Attack is impressed because the water works start immediately.  Although I wouldn’t be surprised if that was more to do with the epic wedgie those butt pants were giving her.

Meanwhile, Osher is back with his kale smoothie group date card at the mansion. And then it hits me: Ladies, are you aware that you are standing in the presence of CLEO’S Bachelor of the Year 2004?! HOW HAS THIS NEVER BEEN MENTIONED?! All of a sudden, I have new found respect for Osher.  Well, not really, but still.

So errybody is hating on Laurina since she admitted to not already being pregnant with Blake’s babies.  I mean, how daaaaare she want to get to know him before she falls in love with him! Obviously we hate her. But apparently we all love Anita, despite the look she gives when not invited on the group date having the power to make my ovaries shrivel up and die.

While Laurina’s eyebrows are feeling the heat, Goal Attack and Vin Diesel have settled themselves on a conveniently placed bench, complete with vintage lamps and a cheese platter. GA says netball a lot and explains that she’s had to live interstate for her sport before. In other words, she stayed at the Best Western Newcastle a few times. And then OMIGOD they awkward kiss! Half cheek, half lips…even Diesel is embarrassed.  It’s beyond amazing. Because what’s the bet she’ll go home and play coy? Babe, he face-planted your chin. That’s not chemistry; that’s alcohol. And in celebration of Holly’s return, the other bitches are having a onesie party because maturity.

Group date time!

The ladies all show up in the same denim shirts and designer vests, except for Laurina who is rocking the side boob. BUT DER-RAMA! Canada has a bitch fit because there are horses and she is allergic to horses!  NOOOOO!!! It’s just so awful that she has a full blown melt down and effs off back home while the other girls practically salivate with glee.

Osher and his flannelette shirt are back and he keeps saying “country” and “get your hands dirty”. Because nature.  There is nature everywhere. A.k.a some rich person’s property in suburban Sydney.  With a mechanical bull.  No word of a lie, THAT’S the “get down and dirty” part.  Here I was expecting them to clean up horse poo or birth a live cow, but no, evidently they are going to prove their devotion to Vader by being sluts on a mechanical bull.  Because dignity.

Boring boring boring, Laurina and her side boob wins.

On their return, the bitches all get drunk in a barn and dance like Delta Goodrem.  FYI Vader, there is nothing sexy about a barn dance. Nothing. Particularly when everyone is white. Long story short, no one gets the early rose and it’s very uneventful.  Look, I don’t wanna be a whinger, but this whole episode was a little bit of a fizzer….

Until the Cocktail Party!

Vin Diesel has an inexplicable urge to speak with Anita and doesn’t seem to notice her entire body shaking with the pure strength of her voodoo spell. But before the poor bastard can lose his manhood, they are interrupted by Laurina’s eyebrows. Anita slinks off looking like a sad ventriloquist puppet and NO ONE IS HAPPY ABOUT IT! Yes, that’s right, everyone feels sorry for creepy dolly and throws a ‘We Hate Laurina’ party right there on the spot. Canada chucks one of her famous adult tanties about something no one cares about or understands. Laurina’s face most likely.

Laurina then returns to the passive aggressive party and cops a full on beating from Sam’s inner bogan.  I KNEW that two-toned hair existed for a reason! Maybe I underestimated that girl. Stay tuned for a girl on girl smack down.

All of a sudden, it’s the rose ceremony and, can I just say, how happy I am that the Batman theme music has made a return? And keeping in the theme of over-produced tension, Holly pretends to feel sick and drags Vader outside with her, presumably to shoot for goal? Which gets me thinking; where is the white rose? Is it still a thing? Can Blake not think 2 weeks ahead? WHY isn’t it a sex rose? So many questions…

It bloody doesn’t make an appearance, instead we have to settle for regular red roses this week and, at the end of the day, Amanda misses out. Not to be totally racist, but I’m pretty sure she was the only one left who had any sort of ethnicity in her that wasn’t lame white girl. Coincidence?

 

Whatever. I’m hoping for better things next week. I know he’s pretty, Channel 10, but can we at least try and make him interesting?

 

P.S. So I’m totally leaving for Vietnam tomorrow.  Which means I will miss tomorrow’s episode. Yes, I’m bloody devastated. BUT, stay tuned for a double-banger next week upon my return. Please don’t judge me; I’m turning 30 this weekend and I’m 3 hours younger in Vietnam, so…

 

 

qantas ic

Where ARE the kids from the QANTAS ad when you need them?

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: Here Comes the Bitch(es)

4 Aug

“Goin to the chapel and we’re,

Gonna get (fake) married.”

 

TWO EPISODES IN ONE WEEK!?  Is this an early birthday present for me, guys?  You shouldn’t have!

(No really, you shouldn’t have because I’m still working every night and thus am doing stealth viewings at my place of employment.  I’m bloody exhausted!)

Anyhoo, Blake Vader introduces the episode while on a boat.  Because water.  Because muscles.  Something something about steering his love ship towards the horizon…

Meanwhile, the newly selected bitches are all congregating in the mess hall of school camp, otherwise known as the supposed Mansion kitchen, looking bright eyed and bushy tailed.  Even Osher’s in on the camp act, showing up in a bloody flannelette shirt.  One that he probably bought from a sweat shop whilst on his “spiritual journey”.

The ladies awkwardly discuss the possibility of going on the first individual and group date.  “I-need-er” (Anita) laments her short-comings should she be selected for the group date.  “I’m not good with big personalities,” she admits.  I think you mean anyone with a personality, sweetie, but moving right along.

Surprise!  It’s a single date that goes to “It’s-my-mums-fault-I’m-beautiful” Jess.  The one with the big mouth.

Immediately, Anita explains that this is not acceptable because she is the absolute jealous type.  Once again, proving that going on a TV show where you compete to the death for a guy is a good life choice.

Vader modestly tells us that he has old-fashioned values, so instead of having Jess meet him anywhere, he wants to pick her up.  Now, I’m no car expert (are you shocked?) but I’m pretty sure the one he showed up in costs a bit more than a Toyota Corolla.

“It’s so gallant!” Jess exclaims in genuine wonderment.  Wow.  The dude who is potentially dating all of your slutty housemates and wants to show off a hire car he can’t afford is gallant? Evidently Jess dated guys from a swamp in high school.

Because she is the chosen one this week, we get a quick little montage of Jess running, sitting and drinking coffee.  How lucky she too loves to sit and watch the sunset near water!  No wonder she gets the first date. Because sunsets.

As they speed over the Harbour Bridge, Jess tells Vader he should let her drive and he laughs awkwardly.  I’m guessing this was to mask his mild panic at the dudes with armed weapons waiting for him at the end should he hand the controls over to anyone not on the insurance agreement.

They rock up to an abandoned underground carpark/warehouse thing and all I can think is FAKE SNOW!  Some poor bastard organized fake snow.

In what can only be Channel 10 attempting to expand their audience to include pre-teens, the designers Blake has taken a leaf from ‘Frozen’ and created a winter wonderland of sorts.  Any minute Idina Menzel will arrive and serenade them.  Sadly, she makes no such appearance, instead, Vader growls that he wanted to do something really special blah blah blah…first date..blah blah.  Babe, we know you spent the last 3 hours in make-up while the intern scoured craft markets for fake ice and plastic flowers.

They don the ice skates and look dreamily in each others eyes for a while, until Blake mentions something about being Ryan Gosling?  I legit prepare for him to take his shirt off, but apparently this is actually in reference to a scene from Crazy Stupid Love that does not include a six-pack, but rather a catch.  Snore.  I fast-forwarded through this bit, pausing momentarily to see if they would fall and slice a finger off.  Nothing says romance like a trip to the emergency room.

Eventually, Jess is gifted with a dress that is very in step with the whole ‘Frozen’ theme and makes her way down a runway of sorts in a very awkwardly managed sequence that makes it look like she is being sacrificed to him.  Jess/Elsa then retires to a couch with Barry White and they talk softly about feelings.  Is it just me, or does anyone else lose the ability to hear him when he talks at such a low frequency?  Props to Jess/Elsa then, because the girl must have the hearing of a mutant!  He gives her a rose and they kiss.  The end.

Back at the asylum, it’s my favorite point of the episode – GROUP DATE!

Praise be to God, Anita is selected along with Laurina to go on the most inappropriate first date in the history of everything – Battle of the Bitches, I mean, BRIDES!  Four girls are chosen as brides, while the others will play the part of bridesmaids in a photoshoot.  And this is where we meet Cara.  Where did she come from? I hear myself saying.  Well, whoever she is, girlfriend needs to run some John Frieda frizz-free through that hair, just sayin.

Laurina is chosen as one of these said brides, which is fortunate, seeing as she could wear her eyebrows as a headpiece, so that’s economical.  The other girls don’t see the practical advantage of this decision and don’t clap.  DER-RAMA!

Tiarner (???) cracks the sads over having her hair done in a mildly sophisticated style.  She bitches at the make-up artist for what seems like 5 minutes but apparently the girl is a mute or just doesn’t give a shit (most likely this) and continues on “gallantly”. (Also, gallant is my new favorite word.)

Laurina calms everyone’s fear about the shoot because she was a model, so she is really good at modeling.  She is also really good at talking about modeling. Model. Modeling.  She models really good while three other loser bridesmaids stand around plotting her death.

While all this modeling is happening, Anita shows up to watch her potential victim husband pretend to marry someone else.  “Turn around Blakey boy,” she whispers, and, I swear to God, I see her wings curl up in a cloud of black smoke.  Luckily Blakey doesn’t hear this or else I’d bet his rectum would have seized up to the size of a pin hole.

At this point I’m hoping to catch the update on HairGate, but to no avail.  Instead, Disney Face proclaims, “Today is the day Princess Diana becomes a bride!”  Why has no one spoken to her about this?! WHHHYYYYYY???!!!!

 

Anyway because I am soooo late, I’mma speed right through this….

 

We make it to the rose ceremony without anyone losing an eye. Osher drops the bombshell that TWO bitches will be going home with no Blake tonight.  That’s one person plus a whole nother one!

Anita’s enchantment holds strong and she stays.  So does Laurina and her eyebrows.  It turns out Vader WAS a fan of the bridesmaid up-do because Tiarner and her hairtastrophe are sent packing.  And another girl who hasn’t had any air time. BUT WAIT!  The rest of Laurina’s face starts to get verrrry upset.  Chantal is having none of this and scolds her for crying in front of Vader because she should feel totes lucky to have made it past the second week of a competition where she is competing for a husband who took another chick on a ‘Frozen’ date and macked on with her twice.

“I don’t even care.  I don’t even know the guy. I’m not emotionally invested.  I’m thinking far too logically for a model.”

Disappointing Laurina.  I expected better of you. That is not the attitude of an upstanding Narre Warren local/model.

She better get back on the crazy train or I will go out in protest.

 

Until next time, bridezillas!

 

 

 

jess

Let it go, let it gooooo-ooooo…..

 

 

P.S. This time I ACTUALLY promise to get my recap in on time, guys!

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: A Tall Drink of Hot Chocolate

31 Jul

Welcome back friends!

First of all, thank you so very much for all the feedback I’ve received about my Season 1 ramblings on everybody’s fav reality show.  Second of all… SQUEEEEEE! Like Britney before him, Bachelor 2014 is back, bitch!

But the WORST thing possible happened!  The night of the much-anticipated premiere, I found myself quite indisposed at my place of work for our school production.  Hence why this post is somewhat late on the uptake.  But I do promise to stay on top of the Bachelor from now on, ifyouknowhaddimean? (In fact, I’m sitting here at work with my headphones on, eating Lite’n’Easy and snorting in delight.)

So who has taken the Bachelor crown from last year’s shirtless “chiropractor” Tim?*

Ladies and gay men, please meet Blake Garvey. He’s 31, a real estate auctioneer (I didn’t know that was a full-time job) and from Perth.  Which is near the beach.  Hence Channel 10 have legit reasons to get him shirtless and looking pensive on a cliff.  Yes.

But then this is juxtaposed with shots of him putting on a v fancy white shirt that’s so tight we can practically see his nips.  Not such a terrible thing, so I’ll let that one slide.  He tells us that he’s working towards opening his own real estate agency.  Bless him.  Homes for Hotties or Ripped Real Estate I can see happening.  But as we all know, this is just a clever ruse for the fact that, like his greasy predecessor, Blake “dabbled” in stripping.  Of course he did.

I have already taken to nicknaming him Blake Vader. Because that be an impressive Batman voice he’s got there to go with his chocolate, shaved head goodness.  And, lesbihonest, I would climb that like a tree.

Quick trip down memory lane to inform us of Blake’s tough childhood.  In a nutshell, he was raised by a mum with dimples you could serve dip out of and a grandmother with more sass than Shirley McLaine with PMS.  Needless to say, I love them both.

Anyway, boring.  BRING ON THE BITCHES!

First of all, Blake needs to have an awkward chat with Osher about his dream girl.  Beautiful eyes, beautiful smile, blah blah.  We know.  Meanwhile, Osher looks like he’s done a few months on the Paleo diet – looking all jawline and hungry eyes.  Welcome back, Osh.  Hope the catering on set is substantial.

This year’s premiere cocktail soiree should have been called ‘The Sparkle, Sparkle, Singing Party!’  Because true to form, the costume designers have raided Brynne Edelsten’s wardrobe and decked out our lovely bachelorettes in enough sequins to blind a bitch.  Countless slappers make their way out of the limo and teeter down the pathway towards their ticket to D-list fame potential dream guy. In the interest of saving time (because Osher’s insightful mathematics have reminded me that there are 24 ladies to get through), here are my favs:

Holly.  First girl off the starting line.  She’s an “athlete”.  Sooooo…she plays netball for her local team.  I’m gonna guess she’s a Goal Attack.

Anita.  My favorite so far and clearly a relative of Ali from last year.  Poor Anita admits she’s a dog groomer and, therefore, “doesn’t see humans.” She also mustn’t speak with them often, because the girl is more tongue-tied than Shia LeBeouf.  “I’m a killer for a smile,” she gushes, as her limo pulls up with two other crazy (and now terrified) bitches.  Once she arrives at the bottom of Mt Blake, she proclaims he must have a, “…small mouth” and then does something that makes me so happy I could cry.  She sings. Yep, she sings an awkward little ditty about ‘finding you’ and love and stuff while never breaking eye contact with the poor guy.  Somewhere there is a Channel 10 executive just loving himself sick for finding her.

Diana.  Like the princess.  Everything about this girl is offensive.  I could almost forgive the creepy collection of stuffed toys and Disney paraphernalia; everyone needs friends, after all.  But the fact that she shows up with a tiara on her head and gives Darth a plastic crown worthy of a Hungry Jack’s party just makes me want to smite her.  Touche, Channel 10.

Sam/Samantha.  Now there are actually TWO of them – Sam and Samantha.  Sam is the one who admits she wears fake tan and has the winning bitch face so far.  Samantha is the one who had a few too many champs in the limo and gave Barry White a Tinman beanie bear because Tinman was also “looking for love”.  No, he was a f***ing man made of tin who rusted over in a deserted forrest and DIDN’T HAVE A HEART.  But A for Effort.

And then Kat makes an appearance with a guitar!  MORE SINGING!  And then I can’t even deal because she’s singing and Darth is dancing awkwardly and it’s just a hot mess.  Whoever taught him how to work a stripper’s pole needs to be stood down, just sayin.

Laurina.  First of all, not a name.  But Instagram went OFF CHOPS about her supposed style. I guess she was the only one not in a sequined or backless number. But she sounds like she’s fresh off the train from Narre Warren. Laurina is a “fashion entrepreneur” i.e. she works in retail.  Good God I want to meet the writers who come up with these job descriptions.  They deserve their own Logies.

Okay, we get inside and Osher reveals the secret behind THE WHITE ROSE.  Lots of bitches look shocked.  So does Darth.  Which is surprising.  Unfortunately, the WHITE ROSE is not the sex rose as I had hoped it would be, but a stupid and unnecessary gimmick that guarantees the lady of choice not one, but TWO weeks in the Mansion that no one on this show can actually afford.  I mean, I would feel totally honored to know a guy definitely wanted to see me for another fortnight.  How LUCKY.  Snore.  Garvey Goal Attack Holly gets it.  Whatevs.

Next is 30 odd minutes of champagne, passive aggressive bitchy remarks and women hiding in bushes.

Blake Vader dishes out the roses and three girls who barely got a mention miss out.  And then so does Samantha.  I guess that beanie bear was lost on him.  I wonder if he’ll give it to Diana for her voodoo collection?

More importantly, Anita and Diana both make it through, thank God.  I really want to see them make friends and play Barbie’s together.  Or maybe Anita will unleash the cocker spaniel she smuggled in and kill them all.  Whichever.

 

Are you as excited as I am for this new season? Well, strap yourself in because we are go for Operation Crazy Bitches II.

 

 

*If any of you are still not sold on the fact that last year’s Bach was actually a party stripper in disguise, then this…..

tim

 

You’re welcome.

 

 

 

 

 

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The Bachelor: Finale Ultimo

21 Nov

SQUEAL!  We made it!

After weeks of bitchy stares, awkward pashes and shirtless jogging, ‘The Bachelor’ finally came to it’s heart-stopping conclusion in picturesque Thailand where Bachelor Protein Powder chose his future beard bride.  I, for one, was fortunate enough to witness this moment in TV history at a Bachelor party with other like-minded fans of this ridiculous show.  We settled ourselves down, champagne in hand, cheese platter at the ready, and buckled in for what was sure to be a momentous evening of spray tan and feelings.

Two crazy bitches left, yet only one rose remaining.  Well actually, it was a badly designed ring, but we’ll get to that.

We opened with a touching montage of the season.  This included LOTS of shots of Tim’s Vague-Face and toey bitches frolicking around in the mansion that Spotlight built. The senior script-writing team were back on board this week, though, with poignant statements like, “amazing journey” and “romance blossomed.”  Because there were roses.  Get it?  Clever.

Sticking with tradition, our fav bachelor took to his hotel swimming pool to perform his weekly thinking and rose calculations.  Something something about feelings.  Something something about Thailand and feelings.  Gosh, he was just so “deep” in thought in that water.  See where this is heading?

But before Bach could really make this hard decision, he had to put his ladies to the ultimate test.  Cue family.  In walked Tim’s mum, dad, brother and what looked to be his sister?  Or possibly his ex-wife.  Hard to say.  He astutely explained that the two bitches they would meet were different. They had different jobs. One was 26 and the other 27.  Which means they are younger than him.

What I wouldn’t give to sit in on a family dinner with these guys.

Rochelle was first bitch off the rank, and Bach helpfully explained that Mummy was a “psychologist” just as they were walking out the door.  I’m assuming this is the same as Tim being a “chiropractor” so I wasn’t too concerned. In another act of subtle symbolism, the editors showed us several shots of a storm brewing over the horizon and melancholy drips of rain on the roof.  Oooohh…it seems trouble was ahead. Straight away Rochelle jumped into her favourite topic:  her walls.  For realz, this girl bloody loves talking about them!  We know you had walls up.  We know Tim smashed them down with his massive, tanned biceps. WE GET IT!  By the time she’d said the word for the seventh time, I was looking for Miley to come busting through the door with a live version of ‘Wrecking Ball’.  Alas, that didn’t happen.  What did happen though was equally as shocking and entertaining… Tim’s mum was a bitch!

Obviously the apple didn’t fall too far from the tree, because, just like her stripper son, Mummy was ALL about the feelings.  Tim had obvi filled her in on Rochelle’s unforgiveable past as a beauty queen, so the girl was just stuck up the proverbial creek without a paddle or a tiara.  Despite telling her that she loved Tim, Mumsy was still convinced that Rochelle was, “… holding something back.”  Her dignity? Her self-respect?  Her SlimFast contract?

Anna was off to a better start by awkwardly hugging Mum as they walked out to her den of despair.  But she soon suffered a similar fate to Rochelle when Mrs Bach got all Judge Judy and started interrogating the poor girl on her past relationships.  She was v shocked and appalled that Anna hadn’t brought men home before!  Now I’m no dating expert, but isn’t that a lot better than having brought home a whole football team of men?  Or at least better than being a hooker?  Or a stripper?  Oh wait…

While Anna was busy playing the crying card, the editors cut back to the family, and the actors playing Tim’s father and brother pretended to care about something.  Probably related to feelings.

For their final date, Tim decided to blindfold each girl and take her somewhere really “special”.  In other words, he wanted to take them somewhere he could remove his shirt again.  Anna explained that Tim had “…kept her in the dark” about the date.  Yeah.  Probs cos you were blind-folded.  Aren’t lawyers meant to be smart?  Anyway, Anna found herself on a boat, then there was this section where they canoodled and talked about feelings a lot and I kind of zoned out.  I think it was at this point we went to get champagne refills.  We re-convened when they were back in Tim’s natural beach habitat, where he chopped up a coconut and splashed juice in Anna’s face.  Inappropriate.

She revealed that she didn’t want to tell him she loved him until the last moment of their date.  Something about remembering her?  So to illustrate her point, she showed up to dinner with her red box.  OOOHHH MYSTERY!  What was inside?  Rochelle’s heart?  Ali wielding nun chucks?  No.  It was what appeared to be a set of cards.  Cue cards for Tim, I assumed.  Again, no.  It was a list of the things Anna loved about Tim.  Ummmmm…..Isn’t that exactly what you said you would NEVER DO, Anna?!!  She seemed v nervous about reading her list.  So nervous, in fact, that she forgot how to do maths. FYI babe, a quarter of 40 is 10.  She had no reason to be worried, really, because there’s nothing Tim likes more than hearing lists of reasons why he’s so great.

Rochelle had a hard act to follow with that list when she met Tim, sans bra, somewhere in Thailand.  She too was blindfolded and led to a waiting elephant.  What’s that?  There’s no water there so how did Timmy cope with his clothes on?  Guys, don’t stress.  After their jungle tour atop the elephant, where Rochelle talked a lot about walls and feelings, the pair found themselves on a bridge.  Above water.  Phew!  Bachelor Shaving Cream explained that there was this Thai tradition that the woman performs to show her dedication to the man.  Sex?  Disappointingly not.  No, they just held hands and dunked themselves in the water.  Boo.

Later that night, they cuddled up on a couch somewhere and talked about feelings again.  Snore.  Pass the blue cheese.

FINALLY!  It was the last ever rose ceremony.  Like, EVER.  While Bach meticulously shaved off his permanent stubble *tear*, the girls put on their falsies, ghd’d their hair and got dressed for the end of their amazing journey.  Is it just me, or was Rochelle’s choice of fluoro evening gown not appropriate?  Sorry, babe, it looked like you go it off a sale rack at ICE.  Anna, on the other hand, was conveniently dressed in a very bridal-looking white and gold number.  Coincidence?  I think not.

All eyes on Tim as he took his place upon the alter of sacrifice love (surrounded by water, luckily), and we waited with baited breath to see which poor crazy bitch was going to walk around the corner first and miss out.  A hint of fluoro from Rochelle’s dress was all it took to reveal that Anna would be the chosen one.  Duh.

Poor Rochelle.  We, as intelligent viewers, knew that she was about to get dumped.  Although I was never the biggest Rochelle fan, I gotta say, it was a little like watching a cow being lead into the abattoir.  As Bachelor Squat Thrust was telling her how great she was (something he is used to doing in the mirror), Rochelle seemed to be hyperventilating.  Seriously, she was heavy breathing all over the place.  Tim was obviously without his usual cue cards, because he was stumbling stupidly through his speech and smiling at her inappropriately. I wouldn’t be surprised if she honestly thought she had it in the bag.  Until he revealed that his heart was leading him somewhere else.  *Gasp*

“Ok.  Yep.  Yep. Ok.  Ok.  Ok.  Yep.  Thank you.”

WHERE WAS OSHER?!! Isn’t that the part where he appears in his velvet suit and whisks the heartbroken mess of a girl away?  Osher was bloody nowhere to be seen and everyone seemed v confused and disorientated, because Rochelle awkwardly walked off and into a waiting station wagon.  Good one, Osher.  You’re fired.

Enter Anna in her faux bridal gown.  What followed was a lot of dumb grinning, more talk of feelings and amazing journeys, awkward laugh-crying and Bach proclaiming his love for the lawyer who’d never had a boyfriend.  Sweet.  He then presented her with the previously mentioned ring that, surprisingly, symbolized their journey together through a forest of 24 crazy bitches.  Because we are ALL about symbolism, right?

She stupidly accepted, there was a kiss, more laugh-crying and we cut to a badly edited CGI of fireworks over the coast of Thailand and I was left to cry into my Sparkling Brut.  The End.

But never fear, my dears, ‘The Bachelor: After the Final Rose’ airs tonight where all of the bitches will return with fresh botox and bruised egos to get all up in Tim’s grill.  I am actually peaking in anticipation for ALL OF THE FEELINGS!

I do hope you’ve enjoyed my Bachelor blog journey.  Feel free to go back and re-live the drama of the past 13 weeks while I figure out what the actual crap to do with my life.  I’m thinking alcohol.

Farewell.

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The Bachelor: Dates With (No) Sex

14 Nov

*SPOILER ALERT*

This blog contains no sex.  So if you are reading this in the presence of the underage, feel free to read on.  Or if you are overage, like me, feel free to start getting angry as I recount the biggest disappointment in Australian television since the return of “Hey Hey, it’s Saturday”.

Dates with No Time Limits.

Can you hear me squealing for joy from there?  Well, that was my general state of mind for the whole day leading up to this episode.  I could not wait to get home, crack open the wine and party like it was 1999.  Because dates with no time limits means dates with sex (in a 7.30pm time slot).

HOWEVER.

As you may have picked up on from my opening comments, I have a bone to pick with the various producers and promoters of ‘The Bachelor’.  For three main reasons:

1) There was no shirtless running/push-ups/pondering from Tim.  Dropped the ball there, guys.

2) Tim is actually a huge douche.  I’ve renamed him the Emotion Police.  Get him a better writer.

3) THERE WAS NO ACTUAL SEX!  YOU LIED!

For starters, there was plenty of opportunity for Bachelor Premature Greys to be doing his weekly maths and astute observations about roses while being half-naked.  But no.  Evidently Channel 10 have decided that, since Bach has to pick a wife in a week, they’d better keep it classy.  Too little, too late my friends.  The fact that you kept him confined to a forest (fully clothed, mind you) might just be why he was unable to do the dirty with his bitches.  This is so very disappointing.

Worse still, was the fact that his full level of douchebag was on clear display.  Did the intern copy writer take over script duties? Just bee tee dubs, you better get someone else on the pay roll for next week.  I was watching the episode as well as following the twitter feed, and everyone was just SO NOT OK with Tim’s behaviour.  I realise he is an ex-stripper/fake chiropractor/greasy-haired actor, but we’re still supposed to like the guy!

But the biggest tragedy of the evening was the fact that, despite the promising ad clips of suggestive thigh stroking and oyster platters, Tim did not actually realign anyone’s sexual chakras.  I am so not ok with this.

But we will get to that.

First “extravagant date” of the night went to crowd fav, Ali.  She’s dropped the moon boot leg cast and opted for a simple double band aid, so she was ready to roll.  The theme of their date seemed to be ‘apples’. Bizarre. He picked her up in a Porsche and they went whizzing through the Blue Mountains, until conveniently stumbling upon an apple-themed roadside stall.  Now, I realise that ‘The Bachelor’ itself is not a high-level thinking show.  But how dumb do you take us for, Channel 10?!  No self-respecting apple grower would EVER leave that much Bed, Bath ‘n’ Table merchandise unattended on a deserted road!  My Grandpa used to stop at a popular roadside stall in NSW to buy pawpaws, and it was nothing but plastic bags on a bloody trestle table.   Never in my life have I seen homemade pie not being watched over by a crazy old lady in a hair net and an apron.

Regardless, Tim and Ali took their offending pie and pretty bag of convenient apples and had a picnic.  With apple cider, of course.  Ali told Tim all about the book she was reading, ‘How to Make a Voodoo Doll for Dummies’  ‘The Recipe to True Love’ and Bach cleverly related it to watching ‘Shrek’ on an airplane.  What the actual crap?  I’m pretty sure he was insulting her, but just like the huge kransky incident from last week, she was blissfully unaware.

They soon retired to some mountain chalet where the owner had kindly left them keys to the ‘Love Cabin’.  Can you feel the anticipation? Just as Ali looked like she would unhinge her jaw,  we cut to a shot of Timmy on a boat and the Love Cabin was forgotten!  It seems because Ali had proclaimed her undying, crazy white-girl love to him numerous times he wanted to “respect” that. Boo to no sex!

He also said no to Rochelle because…well…I’m not 100% sure why, but something to do with feelings and emotions and shit like that.  Speaking of poor Rochelle, once again, Officer Emotions had her on detention on his Love Boat, trying to work his brain around her v controversial past as a beauty queen.  Is it just me or is that a bit rich coming from a stripper?  They talked in circles for ten minutes about feelings and then Rochelle apologised profusely for some unknown crime.  It seemed to placate poor old Bach and he allowed her to join him on deck for a “massive and delicious” seafood platter and some sneaky under-the-table action.   But no sex.  Not even after a personal invite from the Captain.  Sigh.  Things were looking dicey.

This left me hanging my hopes on Anna to bring home the bacon, ifyouknowwhaddamean.

Their date was more feelings and emotions, mixed with words like “open” and “honest” and then more feelings.  Tim was v concerned that Anna wasn’t telling him, “…what it is exactly she likes about me.”  True story.  He actually said that.  Which was nothing short of a miracle, really, considering it usually takes the man an hour to spit out a decent sentence.  Even so, girlfriend refused to play that game and basically did a Sarah and told him she was choosing him as much as he was choosing her.  Preach.  Her intense lipstick really came in handy by highlighting her judge-y scowl.  Anna has been my personal fav for some time, and I have to admit, after Sarah’s similar efforts in putting the hard word on Bachelor Crossfit had backfired, I feared poor Anna would also be punished for having an opinion.  But not so…

Just when I thought my efforts had been in vain, Bachelor Spray Tan looked poised to ask Anna to spend the night oiling up his muscles and other man parts in the aptly titled Forest Lodge.  Or Ocean Love Suite…or…something equally naff.  Things were looking up!  Instead, Tim put on his serious thinking face and explained staying the night together wouldn’t be fair.  Because something something about feelings and something something about sleeping with one girl and not the other. And then she cried.  And I threw something.

THERE WAS NO SEX AT ALL!

Lucky they began the rose ceremony quick smart, or else my television and other valuables would have been in serious trouble.

All that pent-up sexual frustration from the week left the girls wallowing meekly on the recliner lounge by the pool until Osher/Andrew G/Oshy Gunsberg/Who Cares came and escorted them the 20 metres into the rose ceremony.  From there, he left them to join Timmy in his special, secret Bachelor hide-out where he was played messages from each crazy bitch on his iPad.  Ali, true to form, reminded him (very loudly) that she loved him.  Give her some credit, it is possible he could have forgotten with all the serious detective work he’d been doing.  Rochelle decided to express her love through a kids nursery rhyme poem where she tried and failed to rhyme the word chiropractor with something.  I’m guessing using poetry as her skill is what lost her the Miss Australia crown.  And I forget what Anna said.  Something logical probably.

And then all of a sudden he had the last rose in his hand, the ‘Batman’ soundtrack was cranked up a few decibels (seriously, IS it the same music?  Every week I am waiting for Christian Bale to crash through the glass doors and go postal) and it was Ali who missed out.  All around Australia, collective breath was held, waiting for the bloodbath.  Luckily, Tim picked a good week to give her the boot, since her leg injury prevented her from chasing after him with a knife.  She held it together, though, and told him she still loved him and regretted nothing as they said their goodbyes.

Then he left her on the bloody steps!  And it was here that the tears came.  Twitter was all abuzz with “Tim shot Bambi!” outrage, and I have to agree, it was v heartbreaking.  There was even snot.  But I’m sure Ali will recover once she gets her van parked outside Tim’s house.

So we say farewell to our favourite crazy and look forward to next week, as the Spice Girls once said, when two become one.

Vale Ali.

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The Bachelor: Gallery of Bitches

31 Oct

Step right up!  Step right up!  Have a throw for your chance to take home your very own over-stuffed Bachelor!

It was all fairgrounds and halls of mirrors tonight, but first off, my apologies for missing last week’s episode.  I was v busy trying to be a regular human and buy groceries.

I am going to talk about this week’s ep, but I NEED to just drop a mention here of poor Sarah getting the boot last week. I won’t say I was surprised Tim let her go, but, hot damn, the way she went was another story!   Tim tried to get all sensitive and, “Can I talk to you over here?” type thing.  But again, girlfriend was just not having it, ignoring him and sashaying her way outta there!  I gotta say this new, improved Sarah seems like my kinda chick.  Don’t sweat it, honey, you’re only 22.  Bachelor Vague Face looks far beyond his 30 years.  He’ll probably be in hospital with skin cancer by 2018 with all that topless running he does.  Particularly now that over-enthusiastic Penny isn’t around to rub sunscreen into his naked chest.

And speaking of topless running; breathe a sigh of relief, ladies!  Tim was back to his old self again, jogging down the NSW coast without his shirt on and contemplating the difficulties of shaving whilst still maintaining acceptable levels of chin stubble. For realz, it seems like all he does (apart from run and date crazy bitches) is shave.  But I have yet to see him appear without a five o’clock shadow.  What the crap?

Moving on…

This week, Katherine, (previously known as Which One Is That Again?) finally got some special alone time with Bachelor Bench Press.  He was quite adamant that this particular outing would really top all of his other efforts.  He pretty much says that every week, so I’ve stopped listening.  Nevertheless, Katherine was whisked away to a private (i.e. empty) amusement park with the chance to get a glimpse of Tim’s dagwood dog, ifyouknowwhaddamean?

Now, hear me out.  I’m all for a cute, spontaneous date at a fun park.  Any adult knows driving about in those dodgem cars is a great way to vent pent-up sexual frustration.  And anything that involves stuffed toys and showbags is my kinda jam.  However, taking a lady to an essentially abandoned amusement park at night is just cer-eepy!  Come on Tim, scary-ass clown heads and ghost trains?  An amusement park is not an amusement park without rude carnies and screeching children vomiting up their fairy floss.  Without them, all you’ve got is an episode of CSI.  So, it really wasn’t Katherine’s fault she didn’t get a rose.  That’s all I’m sayin.

Meanwhile, the other four bitches were left to ponder Kath’s fate amongst their Lincraft-ridden mansion, before being taken to an art gallery for a group date.  Obvi, us intelligent viewers knew there was a perfectly good reason why they were being taken there that had nothing to do with brush strokes. However, watching those chicks pretend they gave a shit about art was worth the 15 minutes I waited online for the episode to load. Especially Danielle’s apt use of the word ‘interpretating’.  Seriously, is this show scripted?!

However, bitches were soon to discover that the art gallery was really *gasp* a gallery of THEM!  Gosh that’s special.   I won’t waste too much time re-living the horror and the embarrassment; all you need to know is that Rochelle did beauty pageants and Ali used to wear a Tammy hat to school (a hideous Scottish-looking beret with a large pom-pom).

The big drama to come out of this exercise was that poor Tim felt that Rochelle was hiding part of herself by not previously disclosing her v controversial beauty queen past.  Mate, come on, it’s not something any self-respecting bitch is going to splash across the front page.  It’s a bit like auditioning for a reality TV show where you compete against other crazy women to get a guy to marry you….oh wait.  Anyhoo, Rochelle in all her fake wisdom claimed she used to ‘suffer massive anxiety’ and thought getting into pageants would help rid her of this affliction.  Babe, you didn’t look too anxious in that Crocodile Dundee onesie and tiara you were spotted in.

But lucky for Rochelle, Tim accepted her lurid past, pink sashes and all, and sent Katherine home sans rose for being ‘too guarded’.  That’s Bachelor speak for ‘not putting out’.  Between you and me, she was far too normal to continue on.  Tootle-oo Katherine.

So five become four, and the remaining crazies get to take Bachelor Chimple home to their (most likely) shame-faced families next week.  We already got an early taster of Anna’s father questioning Tim on his stripper days.  Let’s hope he’s brushed up on his bad acting skills, because I ACTUALLY CANNOT WAIT.

Thanks for playing ladies…

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