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The Bachelor Season 4: Homeward Bound

Aside from the Dates with Sex episodes (which no longer exist, technically, despite my numerous letters to Channel 10 – I’m never gonna let it go, guys) it’s my other favorite episode! Bachie meets the parents! I’ve always loved grilled banana as a dessert, and now I get to see it in human form. That sounded weird…

Not content with shirtless squat thrusts or lat pulls (yeah, I know exercise) we’ve now moved on to shirtless shaving. Bachie Bananas poignantly reflects on his four girlfriends while he shaves the minimal stubble from his cheek. Obviously it is very difficult to do this with a shirt on. And obviously one must follow up their shirtless shaving with a healthy smoothie before there can be any elimination of girlfriends. Eat lean, shave clean.

Oh gosh this is a difficult job

ALEX

So Alex has been hiding something from us. She lives in a funking winery apparently. There are LOTS of horses, fresh air and nature. And grapes. Alex does some serious grapes thinking about how the man who made her eat lamb’s guts would be such a great father to her kid.

Now that I know where you live, babe, I’d be your baby daddy, NBD.

Bachie Bananas explains to us that Single Mum Alex is, “like no one I’ve ever met – strong, beautiful and intelligent.” Sooo…I guess that makes the other three girls barnyard slappers? I sometimes think he just forgets what show he’s the star of. Poor pet.

Alex explains that, although it is hometown dates and the idea is for her communal boyfriend to be roasted by her proud family members, she has decided NOT to introduce Richie to her son. This is super disappointing…for me. Surprise surprise, Bachie Bananas is almost as bad at pretending to be disappointed as he is pretending to not be reading off cue cards. He tells her that he totes understands and practically wipes the sweat off his brow.

(Then they do that flashback to when Alex showed him the photo album of Elijah and she said that, “put a name to a face” thing, which still annoys me to no end. IT’S THE OTHER WAY AROUND! He’s putting a FACE to the NAME! Am I the only one who was bothered by this? Probs.)

Regardless, NOT introducing your communal boyfriend to your naive, impressionable child is a rookie mistake, Alex. Remember last year when Snezana introduced Woody to her daughter Eve on hometown visits to LOCK THAT SHIT DOWN? I know it seems perhaps a little unreasonable to expose a child to this kind of emotional risk, but this is The Bachelor babe – the laws of reason are redundant. Gawd, who even ARE you, Alex?! WHO ARE YOU?!

So for now we have to settle for Alex’s other family – her mum, sister and brother. There is nothing I love more than an overly- protective brother, and Alex’s bro, Adam, is adequetely terrifying. And dem brows… on fleek. Adam’s brows run through the usual protective brother gauntlet of questions until he straight up asks Bachie if he’s ever cheated on a girlfriend before? No offense, Adam, but… that is basically the entire premise of this show. The best part is that Richie says no…

Umm..remember dis?

Or dis?

But then he mentions that, “he sees that kind of thing in his job,” quite often as he’s flying in and out of different cities.

HOLD UP.

They FLY ropes technicians around the country? Where can I study this?! What even IS a ropes technician?!

However, I know it’s early days, but I’m gonna give MVP to Adam and his brows for the most on-point comment ever in the history of this season. After listening to Sir Bananas awkwardly stumble through the conversation, Adam says, “I feel like he’s said this a thousand times before.”

The brows know.

Ten points to Gryffindor! You are absolutely correct, my friend. This is pretty much what we’ve all been bitching about since July!

Oh yeah, Alex reveals she loves Richie. We know.

OLENA

Of course they’ve got Olena doing some sexy exercising. It’s tennis. She’s doing some serious tennis thinking.

Because she’s Ukrainian with a former boxing champion for a dad, they’re trying to give her a bit of a Jelena Dokic spin. Remember that tennis player with the crazy ass dad who beat people up and went to jail? Yeah I’d be scared too.

The most amusing thing that happens is that Richie is super shit at tennis and gets his bananas handed to him by Olena. He tries to save face by reminding us he’s been taking her on, “these extravagant dates,” so it’s kinda nice to just be kicking it on a tennis court.

Mate, who you kidding?

Remember dis? #extravagant

They approach Olena’s house where Richie should basically just prepare to die, when Olena reassures him she’s shitting bricks. I don’t wanna be racist, but if that doesn’t secure a girl Australian citizenship, I dunno what would. Olena is now my favorite.

We meet Olena’s family, i.e. her terrifying father, and what follows is fifteen minutes of Richie desperately trying to seem tough and get Daddy Dokic to like him:

Richie: I took Olena on a motorbike. I love motorbikes. Please like me, I’m super tough, I promise.

Dad: I f*cking hate bikes. And now I’mma beat tha shiiit outta you. Kthnxbye.

And that’s what happens. He takes him outside to the boxing bag and we watch as another member of the Olena family hand Richie his own, now squashed, bananas. It’s excellent television. Better yet, Dad still haaates him.

Haha! Please like me!

And so does Olena’s sister. Girl is just, “Like, don’t you feel weird him dating other chicks? Isn’t that weird?! It’s f*cking weird.”

(MENULOG MENULOG! OLENA’S FAMILY USE MENULOG!)

For a solid minute or so I thought Olena’s scary dad and sassy sister were going to team up and beat the crap out of Richie.

But there was no fight. I’m disappointed. I stopped paying attention. But I remember they sneaked in a pash before dad came back out with his boxing gloves on.

RACHEL

Rachel is over in Perth doing some serious beach thinking. She wonders why, since they’re both from Perth, it’s taken them THIS long to meet?

Look, I’ve never been to Perth but I’m fairly sure it’s a big place. Like, I’m from the smallest city ever (Brisbane) and I still managed to avoid my primary school boyfriend for fifteen years and we lived a few suburbs apart. (We had a bad break-up. There were tazos and another girl’s erasers involved. I don’t wanna talk about it.)

Already we know she’s going home. He’s using complicated phrases like, “big enough of a connection” and the like. And she also has not-blonde hair. “You’re always good at everything, Richie,” the poor girl laughs. Yeah. Except for sentences. Not so good at that.

Wait, is this amazing beach shack she’s taken him to her HOUSE? Be still my beating heart…what is this place? Fish and chips, champagne, a gentle sea breeze? This is my dream home. Okay, take a breath, Lauren. It’s just a restaurant. Calm down.

They arrive at Rachel’s parents ACTUAL home. Is that a bottle of Ricca Donna I see in her hand? Suddenly it’s 2005.

Not-Blonde Rachel tells us that her dad has super good intuition and that whatever he decides of Richie will pretty much be it for her. So he’s some sort of fortune teller. That’s cool.

I have a feeling he’ll pick the blondes.

Nothing else that interesting happens until they sit down to dinner. There are a lot of dudes at the table with long hair. I have no idea who they are but they are probably related to Rachel.

Someone else related to Rachel is her sister who is basically the Overly Protective Brother Adam in this scenario except with lady parts. She asks Bachie Bananas if he is in love with Rachel and then sits back and watches him try and say words for about five minutes. On the other hand, sis does have blonde hair, so part of me is surprised Richie didn’t just tell her she was gorgeous and try and pash her.

Right hair colour. Wrong sister.

For some reason Fortune Teller Dad is getting good vibes from the dude who made his daughter fight other women in hot pants so he gives them his blessing. Then someone says they never throw love around willy-nilly. Because Perth.

I think that was all. She’s going home. I just know it. Sorry dad.

NIKKI

Nikki is from some rando town in Western Australia called Northam, a.k.a butt-f*ck Idaho. So she does some serious outback thinking.

When Richie arrives they do this really awkward thing called a conversation on the top of Northam lookout while the semi-trailers zoom past. Nikki explains that her family are from the racing industry and I don’t really know what that means, but I hope it involves a lot of drinking and people taking off their shoes.

SURPRISE! They go to the races. But there’s no one else there. Probs cos no one else lives in Northam.

Eventually, they get sick of sitting on a Random Sex Couch at the races and head to Nikki’s palatial home because I’m almost positive “being in the racing industry” means her family might be Northam royalty. Everyone in her family like Richie because obviously Nikki is going to win, so they’d better.

Except for her Aussie AF brother-in-law Snowy who is.not.having.a.bar.of.it.

This guy means business and takes Richie outside to drink beer and grill shit on a barbecue.

I don’t really know what Snowy stands for, but I do know that this is ICE COLD #seewhatididthere. Although I’ve already given MVP to Brother Adam, I’m going to give Best Playmaker of the evening to Snowy for this nugget of wisdom:

“Just imagine the worst point of your life. Don’t worry about all their fancy shit and what they look like and stuff.” Yes, Snowy. Yes.

Can grill.

Once again, nothing really interesting happens after that. Nikki tells her sister she’s in love with a man she’s spent all of a day or two with. Her sister seems to be on board. Just pick her already, Richie. For realz. I’m tired.

ROSE CEREMONY

Guys, I’m not even going to waste your time here. I was right. Rachel goes home because she dared to keep her natural brunette roots visibly brunette, how very dare she. She takes it well though and manages to put one last one on the board for us classy girls of the brunette variety.

Alex cries at how lucky she is to still be in the running for Bachie’s bananas. Olena kind of looks annoyed. Nikki just knows she’s got this.

I hate to say it but good God I’m looking forward to this season ending and I haven’t even watched half of it.

This is me.

Tags: alex, Bachelor, bachelor home town dates, bachelor richie, bachelorau season 4 recap, Channel 10, home town visits, home visits, nikki, Olena, osher, rachel, rachel gets eliminated, richie strahan, the bachelor 2016, The Bachelor Au, the bachelor australia, the bachelor australia recap, the bachelor australia s4 ep 14, The Bachelor Recap, the bachelor recaps, thebachelor, thebachelorau, thebachelorau s4 ep 14, TheBachelorAustralia

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Categories The Bachelor, The Bachelor Season 4

The Bachelor Season 4: (Adult) Baby did a bad, bad thing

2 Sep

Guys, things are getting desperate over at Channel 10. It seems they got wise on the fact the last several episodes have been whiter than a slice of TipTop and have, subsequently, brought in the big guns. And by big guns, I mean Hamish Blake. And by Hamish Blake, I mean Hamish Blake as an adult baby called Rory.

What a time to be alive.

But first….

The six remaining bitches are sitting around their Tuscan villa, surrounded by the entire Spring catalog from Bed Bath’n’Table, chatting about how dreamy their manfriend is. Frightening phrases like, “He’s everything a girl could want in a partner!” and, “I feel so special with Richie!” are being thrown around willy nilly, again, reminding us that this is a dude they have spent no more than 12 hours with in total. The young guy who serves me my hangover latte and hash brown at McCafe makes me feel more special than that.

Overhearing this enthusiastic display, Osher arrives to lecture them like Year 11’s going into VCE; spending quality time with a man is important if you want to fall in love. And dates are the way to do that. Well, I know I just learnt something today.

SINGLE DATE

Goes to Overly Bubbly Blonde Faith. No surprises here but she is super excited and bubbly to go on her second date with Bachie Bananas. So much so that she goes and changes out of her already lovely crop top into another crop top. But it’s beige. Just like this date is probs going to be… or is it??

Suddenly Richie shows up to collect Faith and explain to her in front of his other girlfriends why he chose her for another date and why their connection is important to him and the ick factor goes through the funking roof. Like, I KNOW the show is about these women competing for the one dude, but good God man, don’t sh*t where you eat!

God bless you, Hamish Blake, for arriving just as things were getting hella awkward.

The zany, totally-not-a-grab-for-ratings twist this episode is that Hamish is going to accompany them on their date. Yes, poor Richie is so bad at being entertaining on dates that they’ve resorted to giving him a wingman. Hamish explains that they’re going to be looking after a “real life toddler.” Both Bachie Bananas and Faith cackle hysterically for a moment, because obviously Hamish is a comedian and obviously this is a big joke.

“Hahahaha! Oh my god! Wait…a REAL toddler?”

The real life toddler is, in fact, Hamish himself, who will be dressed as three year-old adult baby, Rory for the day. If either of his “parents” fail to look after him, he will stop the date. Oh the zaniness!

No, but seriously, Rory is actually heaven as he wastes no time throwing awkward questions at Richie like, “Is mummy the ONLY one for daddy?” To give Bachie credit, he does manage to reply with a semi-genuine “Yes” before Faith asks him to look at her when he says that. Cue Classic Richie Laughter followed by uncomfortable pause.

Hahahahaha! That was so funny…

More great questions from Rory – there’s even a reference to Richie’s clear favoritism towards blondes. He tries to deflect again by using a metaphor for it’s what’s on the inside that counts/as long as the flavor of ice-cream is delicious. As long as that flavor is blonde, though, amiright? Hahahaha!

Next stop is a fancy, hipster cafe where Rory goes ape sh*t and upends tables and pours drinks on the floor. It is at this point that I realise this would basically be my dream job as an actor. A) Overalls are super comfy B) I already have a sippy cup and it’s pretty much the best $5 I ever spent and C) Getting paid to carry on about childish crap and complain that you’re not getting enough attention is already my everyday life.

But it is disturbing to notice the large gaggle of blondes seated at the cafe – is this the Blonde Bitch Holding Cell? Like, is this where they keep their reserves should one of the originals forget to do her roots!? Big questions to answer, Channel 10…

Finally they go bowling and Rory freaking out in the middle of a lane is pretty much me this entire season…

What is happening?!

The only other funny thing that happens that isn’t because of Hamish, is when Bachie Bananas sings a gentle “Twinkle twinkle little dinkle” to his adoptive adult baby while doing wee-wee. #adulting.

Back at The Tuscan Villa that Spotlight Built, Mummy Faith and Daddy Richie attempt to put their adult baby to bed. There’s a lot of pants pulling and grabbing of the bed…and not in the sex way which is disappointing. Richie legit has to wrestle Rory out of his overalls. I know this is meant to be funny, and I know that I don’t have a kid, but I’m pretty sure this is not that far off from real life. (I guess the only difference is that actual three year-olds can’t ask their fathers sassy, judgmental questions. Or maybe they can…kids are getting super rude these days.)

Overly Bubbly Faith and Bachie Bananas eventually collapse on the couch with MENULOG MENULOG DID YOU KNOW YOU COULD ORDER WINE THROUGH MENULOG. Faith picks Italian food and Richie stupidly picks white wine.

YOU DRINK RED WINE WITH ITALIAN FOOD, YOU FOOL!

(Wow, I think that’s the most passionate I’ve been about this season in weeks. I nearly scared myself.)

I wonder if Hamish got paid in Menulog?

GROUP DATE

Oh wait, there’s no group date. Apparently the producers paid Hamish Blake all of their budget to inject some actual entertainment into this episode, so instead, Richie takes Rachel into the back garden to sit on a Random Sex Chair. Except there are no candles, cheese platters or ostentatious decorations. Yep, sh*t is grim.

The theme of this non-date is ‘The Five Sense’ – in other words, they are going to eat some sh*t, smell some sh*t, touch some sh*t, listen to some sh*t and speak some sh*t. Not actual sh*t, but you get the idea. Although speaking and eating some sh*t is practically all they’ve done for the last 2 months so Rachel should be a total pro.

Zzzzz…nothing interesting happens. Hamish Blake has gone home and taken the Menulog with him.

You mean Hamish isn’t coming back?

There is a point where Bachie offers to massage Rachel’s feet, but she admits she hasn’t washed them (umm..WHAT?!) and suddenly Bachie’s Banana shrivels back up into his body and he seamlessly switches to giving her a boring hand massage instead. And here I was hoping he might condemn her filthy ways to a nunnery or something else dramatic like that.

The producers have reminded Richie to put a lid on all the flattery and roses to try and maintain at least a tiny bit of mystery, so like Overly Bubbly Faith before her, Rachel is denied a rose.

I don’t think I care.

ROSE CEREMONY

Because none of the bitches are going into the Rose Ceremony with rose in hand, actual tension seems to be building in the Bed Bath’n’Table display room. Single Mum Alex no longer gives any f***s about waiting for Richie to take HER to the White Rose Sex Room and waves her magic white wand quick smart.

Up in the Sex Den, Alex reveals she has hidden a secret photo album of ~~Richie sleeping~~ her son in the cushions of a chair. Cue a lot of talk about responsibility and children and other stuff related to having kids. Bachie looks legit terrified. But Alex ain’t no fool, cos erryone knows that the guy who kicks off a lady who just showed him pictures of the child that came out of her lady parts is basically the biggest douche canoe ever in the world.

She just KNOWS.

Well played, Single Mum. And well played on the leather bustier too; slayin.

Boring boring, someone is going home, we’re all devastated, boring boring.

The final two are Rachel and Intruder Lady With Name Starting With S. Rachel is obviously being punished for having dirty feet, how very dare she.

Joookes! Intruder Lady is sent home before I even bothered to learn her name. I feel a bit bad. She cries in the limo about how sad she is not getting the chance to make sweet Bachie love to the greatest guy she ever met.

Yeah, now I don’t feel so bad.

Come on, look how ENTERTAINING WE ARE!!

Tags: adult baby, Bachelor, bachelor richie, bachie, Channel 10, channel ten, dating, faith and richie, hamish blake, osher, recap, richie strahan, the bachelor 2016, the bachelor 2016 ep12, the bachelor au season 4, the bachelor australia, the bachelor australia recap, the bachelor episode 12, the bachelor recaps, The Bachelor Season 4 2016 recap, thebachelorau, thebachelorau s4 ep12, TheBachelorAustralia

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Categories The Bachelor, The Bachelor Season 4

The Bachelor Season 3 Finale: There Can Only Be One Nissan

17 Sep

Wow. What an amazing, crazy journey. I cannot believe what a ride it has been, but it has led us to this very moment and I am so excited to share my feelings with you. Many journey, much feelings.

Keeping in this season’s theme of #budgetcuts, I am going to speed through this wrap up so that everyone can go home early and not get paid overtime.

In other news, it turns out my skills of Bachie perception have taken a serious dive of late, much like the budget of this show. But more on that later.

Up until this point I was legitimately holding out for some kind of Exotic Finale Sexy Party Extravaganza in a foreign country. I really did think that maybe the producers had been stringing us along with their endless parade of random lounge rooms and cheese platters only to surprise us with a finale trip to the Arctic Circle or some shit.

But no.

No, they’re just straight up broke. Rumour has it that all available funds have been poured into maintaining the Bachelorette’s spray tan. (Too soon?)

Because of this, Woody has taken his final two potential wives to the country. Not any specific country, just a general “country” setting, which by the looks of it, is the backyard of Malcolm Turnbull’s place.

I’m so not on board with this shit. YOU CANNOT HAVE A BACHIE FINALE WITHOUT A FOREIGN LOCATION!

Joining him in the General Country is his adorable family. And no, I’m not being sarcastic. They are v v cute in a v v Tasmanian way. And in fairness, at least Sam also treats them to a Random (Outdoor) Lounge Room.

Both bitches meet his family. Everyone is very pleasant and cute and successfully avoids bringing up anything to do with polygamy. Mr Wood even sheds a tear. One can only IMAGINE the television magic if he had met Warwick. That’s the real tragedy here, y’all.

I’m so sorry we’re not in Africa.

FINAL DATES

Because #budgetcuts, the final dates are a combination of fancy transport and my favourite decor, Random Lounge Rooms.

LANA

Mode of Transport: Helicopter

Destination: A lake somewhere in NSW.

Woody explains that all women love ‘The Notebook’ like all women love dressing up in their underwear and playing bubble soccer. For this reason he decides to take her on a row boat and all of a sudden I really hope there is a God up there because I am praying they tip over into that rank water. Who loves ‘The Notebook’ NOW, bitches?

I hope that boat is made by Nissan.

Random Lounge Room: Outdoor. Roasting marshmallows. One of the interns has masterfully recreated the Pottery Barn catalogue and they don’t even funking sit on it. There just stand there looking at each other and talking about stuff. Probably related to travel.

Declaration: “We both have really big eyes.”

PARMIGIANA

Mode of Transport: Hired convertible. *NOT a Nissan*

Destination: Unknown. They drive around a lot until they get to what looks like a dried up creek bed. Parmigiana calls it a “beach”. It looks like the creek where I once got stung by a mosquito and ended up in hospital with what the doctors thought was Ross River Fever.

Random Lounge Room: Indoor. Many candles. They are down to their last 20 bucks because the funking lounge is made of funking HAY BALES! Like I know they’re in “the country” but what the funk is happening? At least there is a cheese platter, so all is not lost.

(I’m starting to believe Sam’s real true love is cheese platters. It seems we have more in common than I first thought…)

So much country. Much #budgetcuts.

Parmigiana reminds Woody again about her real daughter who is not a Cabbage Patch Doll and how important it is that he understands she is a real human and not a Cabbage Patch Doll. The message seems to be getting through.

Declaration: “I have fallen in love with you and it definitely has nothing to do with the fact that I am drunk.”

At this point I was still pretty sure Lana had it in the bag. Those Bachie magnets were still embedded firmly under her skin and her powers of travel appeared to be holding. Plus I just couldn’t shake the feeling that Woody’s reaction to the idea of Parmigiana having a kid was a little like this…

And then suddenly, this is it. We are minutes away from discovering the winner in the race for Wood.

Obvi Woody has to do some SERIOUS shaving thinking and, FYI, that has to be the shittest shaver going around because he seems to use it erry goddamn week and it has made no flipping difference.

Blah blah everyone gets ready in their budget motel room.

Woody comes out and meets Osher amongst a garden that can only be described as floral carnage. Legit, a couple of Lincraft stores died just to make this happen; there is crap ERRYWHERE.

While Osher attempts to wade his way back through the knee-deep rose petals, the two women get into their vehicles. Its OK, everyone. They ARE Nissans. We might still have some sponsorship money.

As we have previously established, first girl out of the car is the big loser and I could not believe my funking eyes but it’s Lana. Like, WHO AM I?! I have picked the winner of this goddamn show without fail so far, but for some reason, this stupid Tasmanian guy keeps hoodwinking me!!

I won’t retell the whole dumping scene, but she and her big eyes take it well. Probably something to do with how travel she is. Don’t worry Lana, if there’s one thing a girl can rely on, it’s a speedy Nissan getaway car.

It’s a bit sad really, but at least Nina will be super happy with this outcome.

Yay! Intruders suck!

HOORAY FOR PARMIGIANA AND KIEV!

Amongst the world’s ugliest floral canopy in the back garden of a random Sydney mansion, our 2015 Bachelor reveals to Parmigiana that he is madly in love with her and can they bone already?

Someone got paid to decorate this.

It’s bloody beautiful.

He even gives her a present to give to her Non-Cabbage-Patch-Doll daughter, Kiev. If I wasn’t a completely stone-hearted feminist, I would have shed a tear.

Oh wait, it’s OK. Woody then gives her THE WORLD’S MOST UGLIEST RING I HAVE EVER FUNKING SEEN. According to reports, this Zamel’s monstrosity cost $22,000. And then it all makes sense…

THIS is where all the budget has gone.

The people at Bunda must be laughing their asses off at being given the boot this year.

The happy couple pash on for Australia. Woody manages to walk away looking like the good guy. And little Kiev gets a new daddy. Who will probably have to travel over to Perth on the next Greyhound bus. #budgetcuts.

Normally I would go and bury my face in the closest jar of Nutella, but not this year! My favourite two-toned-hair-extension friend, Sam Frost, is back as Bachelorette next week! HIGH FIVE FEMINISM!!

Thank for joining me, friends. It’s been a bloody pleasure.

Can somebody please pay me now??

Tags: Bachelor finale, Channel 10, channel ten, Heather, Lana, lana runner up, osher, recap, sam and snezana, Sam Wood, sam wood chooses snezana, Snezana, The Bachelor 2015, The bachelor Australia 2015, the bachelor australia 2015 episode 16, the bachelor australia recap, the bachelor australia season 3 finale recap, the bachelor australia season 3 recap, the bachelor finale recap, The Bachelor Season 3, thebachelor, thebachelorau, TheBachelorAU FInale 2015, TheBachelorAustralia

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Categories The Bachelor, The Bachelor Season 3

The Bachelor Season 3: How to Save Money and Lose Bitches

17 Sep

You know things are dire when the most interesting thing that happens is that the Bachelor DOESN’T drive a Nissan for a night?

This is actually getting beyond a joke. Like, I legit feel like I am scraping the bottom of my sarcastic joke barrel, and, when that shit is your bread and butter, you start worrying.

I would compare tonight’s episode with the classic ‘Second Date Obligation’. You know, the boring date you go on so that you can bone on the third date and not feel bad about it?

First of all, you know the producers are trying to stress to us that things are really serious and dramatic because Woody does some serious beach thinking, then some swimming thinking, then some shower thinking and finally, some towel thinking. The four corners of Bachie thinking.

But you and I both know that this is simply a ruse for the fact that Dates with No Time Limits no longer exist, plus the fact that life in Bachie world is supremely boring and unjust since Heather left.

Tonight, Woody is going to take the remaining three bitches on three more totally non-budget dates to try and figure out which one of them will be the most accommodating wife.

PARMIGIANA

Parmigiana waits patiently outside the Mansion that Spotlight Built in her leather cape. But omigod, WHO is that rounding the corner in a car that is NOT a Nissan?! Surely it can’t be Woody? WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE WORLD?! DO NISSAN KNOW ABOUT THIS??

Maybe Channel 10 lost their Nissan sponsorship and had to call on Malcolm Turnball to borrow his Lamborghini? #topical.

Do Nissan know about this??

After just driving around Sydney aimlessly for a few hours, they end up…somewhere on Sydney Harbor and Woody points to the Opera House and tells Parmigiana that they’re going there next. But first, he needs to change her out of that leather cape and into a sponsor-approved GASP dress.

Parmigiana happily obliges and actually seems legitimately impressed with the fact her communal boyfriend made her change out of her own clothes, into a dress that he prefers. (FYI fellas, chicks don’t like that shit. Once I’ve chosen the bra I’m going to wear, it would take a serious natural disaster to make me change.)

Somehow they make their way over to the Opera House and look at Sydney Harbor from the other side. Guys, shit is going down hill fast. Last year they went to funking Africa, but now I just feel like all Sam does is chaperone numerous bitches from one view of Sydney to another.

But HOLD THE PHONE HE IS TAKING HER TO A PRIVATE PERFORMANCE OF THE BALLET!

Mind you, it’s during the day and not at night when the actual paying customers show up. Parmigiana is of course v v impressed by this budget matinee and doesn’t seem to notice Woody drifting off to sleep.

Back at the View of Sydney Harbor #2, Parmigiana lays down the law about having a real child and not a Cabbage Patch Doll and Woody pretends to care about the fact they won’t be able to go on last-minute sex holidays and says a lot of words to do with expectations and connections and it is definitely not his subtle way of telling her that they are never going to happen and he is picking Lana because she is very travel and doesn’t have any children.

OBVIOUS WINNER LANA

Because Lana is very travel, Woody has obviously organised some sort of activity on a sea plane. They meet on the jetty where an apparent wind storm is f*$%ing shit up and Lana has decided now would be a good time to wear her spring hat.

There must be some sort of Bachie magnet imbedded in Lana’s skin because the guy cannot stop touching her flipping arm! It’s so off-putting I don’t remember anything they said to each other but it was probably something about travel.

Up in the sea plane they go to… Palm Beach! (As in, a beach on the other side of Sydney Harbor.) Gosh, Lana is a good actress because she looks excited about it. I would just be pissed off.

Another view of the harbor? I can’t wait!

They land in Palm Beach at another Random Living Room and have dinner in the driveway (?) where Woody continues to try and touch her arm and tell her how quickly he’s falling in love with her side-swept hair.

And then this happened…

Mate, that’s not her arm you’re touching.

BUSY BUSINESSWOMAN SARAH

We are continuing the theme of hats tonight, with Sarah awaiting her fancy mode of transport in another spring hat.

And yep, that my friends, is a bloody horse-drawn carriage. It is also white. Like this relationship.

While they fanny about in the thing that is meant to distract us from the fact they are not in a foreign country, I can’t help but wonder who is taking the tourists of Melbourne around Swanston St?

They go to a café of some sort and stare awkwardly at each other and check the label of their teacups and the whole thing kind of looks like this:

To “shake” things up (seewhatididthere?) Woody takes Sarah to a change of location and it’s, surprise surprise, a random couch somewhere! YAYYY!

They sit on said random couch and say more vanilla things while eating a cheese platter and sipping from their budget Jacob Creek’s Shiraz. Do I need to remind you again? Last year they went to FUNKING AFRICA AND NOW THEY ARE SITTING ON A RANDOM COUCH DRINKING JACOB’S CREEK! #budgetcuts.

This…

…is not THIS!

Sarah is worried because she hasn’t declared her undying love for Woody on a national TV show and we all know it’s too late because she is definitely going home tonight. I mean, she checked the brand of her teacup, their date was so non-eventful. And Sarah is clearly too busy being a businesswoman and not as travel as Lana.

COCKTAIL PARTY

Bitches mope about in their Sunday best as Woody watches little video tributes from them on his iPad, where they present their last-ditch attempts for him to wife them and doesn’t at all come across as begging.

ROSE CEREMONY

No one has the time or budget to be dicking about tonight guys. Sarah’s going home. She knows it, Woody knows it.

Even Parmigiana knows it.

Bye bye Busy Businesswoman. According to Woody, you just put up too many vanilla-flavoured walls trying to protect your dignity. Please try and remember what show you are on next time kthnxbye.

This is it, erryone. We are down to the final two in the Race for Wood! Join me tomorrow when we find out who Woody will give a cubic zirconia Zamel’s ring to in front of a view of Sydney Harbor.

Tags: Bachelor, bachelor australia episode 15 recap, Bachelor finale, Channel 10, channel ten, final two the bachelor au, Heather, Lana, lana and snezana, osher, recap, Sam Wood, sarah goes home on the bachelor, Snezana, The Bachelor 2015, The Bachelor Au, The Bachelor Au Season 3, the bachelor australia, The bachelor Australia 2015, the bachelor australia 2015 episode 15, the bachelor australia recap, The Bachelor Recap, the bachelor recaps, The Bachelor Season 3, thebachelor, thebachelorau, TheBachelorAustralia

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Categories The Bachelor, The Bachelor Season 3

The Bachelor Season 3: The Mayor of Friendzone

11 Sep

Well at least we can agree something interesting happened tonight!

Just so we’re clear, this has pretty much been my face for the last 12 hours….

I’m not OK, guys.

I really wanted to follow in the footsteps of the Melbourne tram union and go out in protest, but then again, Oprah always tells us how important it is to sort through our feelings otherwise we end up constipated and wrinkly. Neither of these things suit me.

So it’s Home Visits night – the annual event of Bachie + Bitches + Bitches Families = Awkward Level 10. And, to an extent, it didn’t disappoint.

Woody started off doing some SERIOUS water thinking and then even more serious shaving thinking. Then shirtless shaving thinking. Wow. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many neurons firing at once.

I mean, he spent most of last episode assuring the bitches that his feelings for them are not about their families, but then explains tonight that meeting their families is a McBig Deal and could make or break his feelings. #logic.

HEATHER

Ok, so Cool But Not So Cool Girl Heather hinted at the fact that she “didn’t have a proper family” last episode. I joked about her collection of beanies (and homemade jewellery) standing in for them which I now feel a little bit bad about because her dad died.

It isn’t clear what happened with Mrs Heather, but that is irrelevant because all you need to know about is…

WARWICK.

Guys. Do NOT f*%$ with Warwick.

He is a bone fide Queensland farmer/steamroller who ain’t got time for nobody. The story behind Warwick is that Heather worked on his farm from a young age and he has been like a second father to her.

He is legit terrifying.

Woody shows up with his six-pack of Peroni and best button-up shirt and tries to play the “I’m from Tasmania mate, so I’m just like you. Cows and horses and nature and stuff” card. Bitch, please.

Warwick spends his screen time dropping truth bombs on Woody and Heather and not even cracking a smile. He makes Woody go through the remaining 4 girls one by one and list off what he’s attracted to in them. The best part of this is that Woody refers to each one as “Girl 1”, “Girl 2” and so on. It has about as much emotion to it as a scientist listing off his experiment subjects.

Nothing Woody says impresses Warwick and Australia lets out a collective cheer that Warwick should be elected the new ‘Farmer Wants a Wife’. I would watch the shit out of that.

He then takes Heather upstairs to a carved wooden swing, which I bet every bloody dollar I have that he made with his own bare hands. She tells him how crazy this experience has been and Warwick basically tells her that if Woody (or any other man she may come across) hurts her, he will get his shotgun off the wall and go postal.

LANA

Cue triumphant mist music as Woody and Lana meet atop a mountain somewhere in the NSW hinterland because Lana is v v travel. She only rendezvous on magic, mystical mountains.

Woody is still completely gaga for her and they spend a solid ten minutes staring at each other on a boat. And talking about how beautiful the scenery is. I feel like I’ve seen this before…

They arrive at Lana’s house and are greeted by Mrs Lana and a mystery blonde lady. Mystery blonde lady doesn’t seem too phased by this whole business and just continues to carve up a delicious South Cape cheese platter. Because South Cape is obviously a sponsor of this show, and because I love cheese more than a lot of things, here is a picture of South Cape cheese. South Cape, can you please send me some delicious South Cape cheese now??

True love.

Mrs Lana uses a paper thin excuse to get Woody alone “downstairs” and ask him important mum questions. Lana looks worried. I think she’s scared her mum is going to show him pictures of her without her hair swept to one side.

Blah blah blah my daughter is too good for you blah blah blah don’t make her move to Melbourne you mean Bachelor man.

Nothing else interesting happens.

SARAH

Sigh. I like Sarah. But her and Woody combined are just a very large Vanilla Milkshake.

Vanilla Milkshake start off with a fancy picnic by a beach box. Reports say beach box belongs to her family. Her family got money.

Mrs Sarah puts on her Pottery Barn apron and takes Woody into the herb garden (no seriously, it was seriously a garden dedicated to herbs) and that’s when Twitter delivered this:

#accurate.

She lays down the gauntlet with this gem: “If your personality was an animal, what would it be?”

Obvi he tells her he’s a puppy. Because woolly mammoth or komodo dragon would probably scare her off. Does Woody know that puppies pee on everything and eat their own vomit??

Me? I’d be a domestic cat. I’m lazy and like people to pat me.

Blah blah they all have dinner at Sarah’s fancy house with her parents, cousins and grandma. Who is barely shown. FYI, Channel 10; nanas make excellent television. Fact. I want more nana time.

I bet you were more interesting than everyone else.

PARMIGIANA

Woody can no longer imagine Parmigiana’s daughter to be some well-loved Cabbage Patch Doll because she is HERE IN THE FLESH!

Little Kiev is super excited to see her mum and the guy who made her mum catch farm animals for him.

She has come prepared with a long list of questions, one of which requires Woody to name the capital of some sort of exotic country. He can’t do it. Geography was not Woody’s strong area in high school. The other question is, “Do you like One Direction?”

The Bachelor Season 3: The War is Over

10 Sep

The battle is over and peace may reign again my friends.

Take from that what you will. It’s a spoiler, but whatever. Don’t tell me you didn’t see it coming.

Welcome to the episode I will affectionately refer to as “The Warm-Up to Home Visits”. For realz, tonight just kind of felt like some weird mormon speed-dating/psycho beach sex party thing that we had to get through so that Sam looks more legit meeting four women’s parentals tomorrow.

Usually around this time in the show, Bachie and his harem of lady meat are whisked away to some sort of tropical/foreign/far away place where they gush over scenery and do a lot of the same kind of shit they do at home but just with nicer back-drops.

Like, in 2013 they went to Western Australia with the final 8 and then to Thailand with the final 2. Last year they went….somewhere and then to Africa? Sorry, I’ve kind of blocked the whole Blake saga from my memory. But they definitely went somewhere tropical.

But, because this is 2015, the year of #budgetcuts, Woody and his final 5 are being whisked away from Sydney to…. a beach house just outside of Sydney. They are not even trying to hide the fact they have no money anymore. Unless they are saving erry goddamn penny for the finale to be set at the freaking North Pole. Or Richard Branson’s house.

#budgetcuts.

The five bitches all look super dooper excited to be all going away for the weekend to a beach house someone rented off an Air B’n’B sale. They are sitting around in the Rotunda (clearly after the last rose ceremony) and eagerly discussing how amazing it is that some guy from Tasmania has decided that they might be potential wives for him. They cannot wait to get started on their Non-Holiday.

Uh-Oh! Der-rama!

Mother Nature has cruelly turned on Bachie and his romance dreams and has made it piss down raining, how very dare she! Not to be deterred, Woody is staying positive about their getaway and whipping up a couple of cheese platters and some Monopoly to keep everyone entertained.

And you know what happens when you combine a beach house with torrential rain? It becomes A SEX HOUSE! Hooray!

Silver linings, people!

Basically what happens from this point onwards is that Woody takes each bitch on a quick mini-date to some sort of local “beachy” attraction and then to some kind of lounge room with a beach view. #beach

Lana

Guys, Lana is showing her cute, playful side! She’s wearing her panda beanie! Gosh, she’s so cute and zany.

I got this beanie in a foreign country.

Because she is a serious golfer, they trot off to hit a few balls at the driving range. Lana shows Woody how to drive his club straight and hard.

Woody is still clearly smitten with her and continues to marvel at how travel she is and then explains that he’s “always preferred women who are smarter” than him which really doesn’t narrow it down, I’m sorry.

Then they go sit on a couch in a room somewhere. Where are they? WHO OWNS THESE RANDOM LOUNGE ROOMS THEY GO TO?! I mean, is it Osher’s dressing room? What is going ON?!

Basically Lana has final 2 in the bag and is already planning the igloo they will live in in Iceland.

Snezana

Shit is going downhill FAST, because Parmigiana’s “date” is literally the two of them walking around Random NSW Beach Town in the pouring rain.

More #budgetcuts.

You gotta love the first few weeks of dating, don’t you? When you’re like, “Oh my god, a romantic walk in the rain? I’d LOVE that!”

Fast forward five years, and it’s more like, “Are you f*$#ing kidding me?!”

Amirite, ladies?

#beach date over, they head to another random lounge room.

Parmigiana has photos of Kiev to show to Woody because Kiev is her daughter. It seems to dawn on Woody at that very moment that Parmigiana has an actual daughter and not an imaginary daughter that she dreamt up in Health class. They start throwing words like “family” and “pressure” around and all of sudden Sam is trying to figure out a way to dig himself up from this family-shaped hole he has gotten into.

Heather

Heather is the lucky one of the bunch. She gets to go to an actual restaurant. Mind you, it’s one of those restaurants stuck onto a Best Western on the side of a highway, but hey, beggars and choosers and whatnot.

Because she is still the Cool Girl of the group, they do some cool things like eat teppanyaki and piss off the chef who just flings food at them like he couldn’t give a f*#%.

I better be getting paid for this.

Cool #beach activity over, they also retire to a couch and drink beer. Because Heather is cool. Only cool people drink beer.

But more der-rama! Woody is totes worried that he and Heather are slipping back into Friendzone because she insists on calling him awful things like “dude”. This is obviously just a ploy to trick us into thinking she might go home tonight, but we ALL know who that award’s going to so do not even try that on, Channel 10!

On the other hand, Cool Girl is “shitting herself” about home visits because apparently she doesn’t have a family? I’m very confused about what she’s going to do next week. Introduce Sam to her large collection of beanies?

Big questions to be answered.

Sarah

I basically have no idea what happened here because Busy Businesswoman has poured all of her personality into her job, how very dare she, and has none left to give this show.

SURPRISE! They too sit on a random vanilla couch somewhere and say vanilla things to each other.

Best. Date. Ever.

Nina

Oh Ninz. Erryone kind of knows your time is up except for you. This is made obvious through Sam’s pre-date interview that sounds very much like the speech you make right before you break up with someone and run off with their best friend to Bali.

And by “date” I mean they stand on the side of a canal and go fishing. And by “go fishing” I mean we watch awkwardly as Sam throws a fishing line out into the water like an 8 year-old girl and tries not to make eye contact with the woman he is clearly going to dump.

Nina is worried that, should she make it to home visits, her mum will try and cut her grass which makes me extra sad because we are definitely not going to see this happen.

How I imagine Nina’s mum.

Cut to (SHUT THE FRONT DOOR) another random lounge room where some thoughtful intern has left them a cardboard box of flake and minimum chips to snack on. #beach.

Woody lists every single thing he can think of about Nina that is a euphemism for “you’re too loud and annoying” because Woody only likes girls who are feminine and quiet and don’t have opinions but she doesn’t get the hint.

Boys, if you’re reading this, “I loved your energy” is pretty much the second worst thing you can ever say to a woman, just quietly.

Poor Nina is adamant that she can still prove to Woody that she is, deep down, really boring and submissive.

Don’t count on it, babe.

Cocktail Party!

Because Woody has spent sah much time and effort coming up with all these #beach speed dates, he has decided that he is DONE, and tonight, the bitches come to him.

This sends all the bitches into a tail spin as they internally debate the pros and cons of a woman approaching a man!

Nina uses the extra thinking time to remind us that the war between the Originals and Lana the Intruder is still going strong and the total horror of their communal boyfriend choosing a bitch he has known for 3 weeks over a bitch he has known for 3 months would be an absolute travesty of justice.

Hate to break it to you, babe, but there are no participation ribbons in the game of love.

Rose Ceremony!

After the world’s least riveting cocktail party of six people sitting around on more couches, the vibe has taken a dramatic nose dive.

Please don’t make us sit on more couches.

Because Lana is so very travel, she gets the first rose.

Parmigiana and Busy Businesswoman get the next two.

Leaving Heather and the leader of the Intruder vs Original Revolution, Nina. I told you Channel 10 were going to try and pull the Seed hand crafted wool over our eyes.

Heather is final 2, y’all. Ain’t no WAY she is going anywhere.

It’s curtains for Nina. And with her, the battle is over. William Nina Wallace has been sent to the gallows, or wherever loser revolution leaders go…

Never forget.

Join me tomorrow for the reason this whole episode existed: Home Visits!

Tags: bachelor australia 2015 ep 13 recap, beach dates, budget cuts, Channel 10, Heather, home visits, Lana, nina, osher, Sam Wood, Sarah, Snezana, The Bachelor, The Bachelor 2015, the bachelor 2015 episode 13, The Bachelor Au, The Bachelor Au Season 3, the bachelor australia, The bachelor Australia 2015, the bachelor australia recap, The Bachelor Recap, the bachelor recaps, The Bachelor Season 3, the bachelor season 3 ep 13, thebachelorau, TheBachelorAustralia

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Categories The Bachelor, The Bachelor Season 3

The Bachelor Season 3: The Race for Wood

21 Aug

Bitches, start your engines!

Wait… I feel like I’ve said that before?

That’s right, I did. I used that same line last year when He Who Shall Not Be Named took his harem of bitches race car driving.

Either I need to get some new jokes or this show is running out of ideas. Or maybe fast driving is a legit wife skill that must be tested each year?

Anyhoo, welcome to the Race That Stops the Nation. Because this episode is all about a race, Woody starts us off by strolling through a paddock of race horses, talking about the race for his heart and how time is racing away from them. #symbolism.

Back at the Mess Hall, the bitches are drinking their Skinny Detox Tea when Osher arrives with a thick package from Sam.

Exhibit A: Sam’s thick package.

GROUP DATE!

No surprises here, it’s something about racing. Nina can barely keep a lid on it, she’s so keen. Turns out she’s been harbouring some serious bogan tendencies in those crop tops she’s so fond of.

She admits she’s quite the rev head and all of a sudden I can picture all of these alleged weddings she plans and finally I understand who is keeping pink Hummers in business….

This guy.

At the Speedway of Dreams, Osher tells them they are about to compete in The Bachelor Grand Prix and literally race for Sam’s Wood. Which would almost sound bad ass, if it weren’t for the glorified dodgem cars they get into.

Now that Jasmin’s Jaw has returned to the world where feminism exists (real life), the producers have cottoned on that the pool of cray is quickly dwindling. And since Cool But Not So Cool Girl Heather has been managing to play it relatively cool of late, these producers have suddenly decided that Emily doesn’t hate her anymore but hates Nina instead.

WHOAH! DER-RAMA!

Emily proclaims that her sole intention today is to beat Nina because ~~the producers told her to~~ she doesn’t like her and her love of cars.

Osher starts the Wood race and Emily is off quicker than a housewife at a Myer sale. See ya, bitchez!

She is not giving any f*&#s who she crashes into because it’s obviously v v important that she shows how serious she is about winning Wood by being really competitive.

Meanwhile, that Rachel lady is laggin like a proper old nana driver… the other bitches are lapping her every few minutes. Kind of like they’re lapping you in life, babe.

Things take an awkward turn for the worse when Nina thinks she has won and makes a big freaking song and dance about it until Osher informs her that, actually, Emily slayed erryones’s asses by 7 whole seconds and she is just so gracious in her victory you’d think Princess Diana was back in the room. Nina obvi takes it really well.

And OBVI Emily’s reward is uninterrupted Woody time. With a glass of champs. YAY DAY DRINKING!

Sitting on a bench fashioned of old car tyres, it becomes clear that maybe Woody isn’t the biggest fan of young Bitch Face Emily and her negative tude. Especially when she smugly tells him how happy she is to have beaten Nina.

Woody no likey.

Woody confused.

“I’m not sure if it’s really about love or winning with Emily,” he laments.

Dude, she LITERALLY just had to win something so that she could have this conversation with you about winning a race so you could wonder if she was about winning or not. #bachielogic.

As usual, Emily doesn’t seem to give too much of a f*%# and just sips her daytime champs like no big deal.

After the celebration of gender equality is over, back at the Mansion that Spotlight Built, the bitches are casually lounging about the Rotunda waiting for something interesting to happen. Of course talk turns to their communal boyfriend and who is going to get the next single date because that is literally the only chance any of them have of escaping their interior decorated prison for more than 5 minutes.

The logical choice for single date WOULD be this Rachel/Random Blonde Lady who I have legit never seen Woody say two bloody words to but who he has nevertheless continued to gift with roses. I mean, I know they say to keep a bit of mystery about you ladies, but this is pushing it! WHO EVEN ARE YOU?!

Not important enough to get a single date, apparently, because Parmigiana is in fact getting a second run at Mt Woody. You can actually see Rachel’s face fall at the news and for a moment there I felt sorry for her, but then I remembered I was watching The Bachelor where rational and dignified decisions are kind of like Ian Thorpe’s failed line of jewellery; non-existent. (Remember when that nearly happened, guys?)

Woody realizes that there are still some girls in the house (Rachel) who he has yet to take on one single date, however, he just HAD to see Parma again because….. he wants to bone her real bad. He didn’t say those words, but I’m reading between the lines here.

He picks her up in a vintage speedboat, driven by a poor old dude who looks like he’s about 90. It’s good to see Channel 10 are still employing Higgins from last year.

Weeeee! True love!

The aforementioned boat is aptly named La Dolce Vita, or as Woody calls is, “La Dulchi Voita. It moines tha saweet loife!” #straya.

Teaming with the Italian theme (because Parmigiana is Italian food, right?) off they trot to Woody’s very own version of Little Italy i.e. a couch and a stall of sponsorship produce in the back garden of some unsuspecting Sydney resident. YAY MULTICULTURALISM!

Cue montage of pizza-making and shots of South Cape products and phallic-looking meats and vegetables. (“Look at all this moit!” – S. Wood, 2015). This is just an unsubtle representation of all the boning they want to do, but because it’s only 7.30pm, they settle for throwing flour at each other instead.

Forehead sex is back, guys.

After Parma’s had time to digest Woody’s pepperoni, HELLO RANDOM WAITER MAN WHO HAS COME OUT OF NOWHERE! Unnamed waiter man drops off a strange, sphere-shaped concoction that Woody says is meant to be the Death Star dessert.

Sorry, what?

There are so many things wrong with this moment, I just don’t have enough time to process it.

Woody tells her how totally fine he is with the fact that she has a daughter because he is totally fine with kids and it would be totally fine to date a woman with a kid.

They then spoon-feed each other and say how good the other tastes. #sex. If Parma plays her cards right, she might just walk away with Woody’s love child. Or just pash rash.

Meanwhile….

Casually hanging out at the Rotunda, the bitches are once again trying to find interesting things to say that aren’t about Sam, but are failing miserably. Talk soon turns to Parma and how hot she is and that Woody finds her really hot. All of a sudden, and definitely not because she was prompted to by producers, Nina blurts out that Parma and Woody had a sneaky suck-face on the group date! Bitches be like…

Our boyfriend did WHAT?!

While Nina slinks away into the background.

Did I say something bad?

Obviously, this is meant to set us up for a super bitchy showdown at the cocktail party between Parmigiana and Emily’s new mortal enemy, Nina. (Who she astutely labelled as being “disingenuine”. Yeah, English!)

Nina takes Parma outside to make her confession and is all like, “I feel super bad about telling you this but I need to get it off my chest that I totally told our communal boyfriend’s other girlfriends that you sucked face with our communal boyfriend on a group date that we were also on and I didn’t mean to tell anyone but now the other girlfriends are outraged and seem super mad but it was an accident and had nothing to do with ratings at all so I’m like, totes sorry.”

Luckily Parma possesses a somewhat normal brain and forgives her. Bitchy Showdown avoided. Quick! Someone get Emily out here to say something mean!

Nope, too late. It’s Rose Ceremony time.

Twitter is all abuzz that Emily has delivered her last barb and will be sent packing, but I’m not so sure. Despite her bitchy remarks and the brain damage it obviously inflicted on Woody, he is still hoping to bone her and she is the most interesting thing on this show now; she ain’t goin anywhere, y’all!

Oh no, that Rachel person didn’t get a rose. Everyone looks a bit surprised that the woman they thought was their hairdresser is being sent home. Woody assures her she is an amazing, amazing woman for someone he has never met and she seems happy about that.

Byyyyeeee random Rachel lady.

P.S INTRUDER BITCHES ENTER THE BATCAVE NEXT WEEK!

Tags: Channel 10, channel ten, Emily, Heather, nina, osher, rachel, recap, Sam Wood, Snezana, the, The Bachelor, The Bachelor 2015, The Bachelor Au Season 3, the bachelor australia, the bachelor recaps, The Bachelor Season 3, thebachelorau, TheBachelorAustralia

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Categories The Bachelor, The Bachelor Season 3

The Bachelor Season 3: The Climb

13 Aug

There’s always gonna be another mountain…

Or in this case, another bitch trying to kiss my boyfriend.

Today in the House that Spotlight Built, there is no time for swimming or thinking montages because erryone is still super mad that Woody kissed one of his 12 girlfriends in front of 3 of his other girlfriends.

Poor Cool But Not So Cool Girl, H-Bomb, is having a really hard time trying to deal with this recent turn of events and has seemingly forgotten that she is on a television dating show where she is literally pitted against other women for the chance to date a guy.

Osher rocks up just in time to ease the tension, wearing his best Gazman button-up. GUYS! He’s got a DATE CARD! And it goes to Nina. I’m almost positive she’s the one with dark hair who plans other people’s weddings and isn’t Sandra?

Whatever. She dons her most inappropriate top and skinny jeans and heads on out to Sydney Harbour. Again. Because Bachie cannot possibly undertake dating activities that aren’t in the vicinity of water or harbours.

Woody meets her at the pier and tells her he’s had this super special date saved just for her and it had nothing to do with the producers. He also tells her that he loves the fact that she hasn’t asked him to do anything for her or made him feel bad about dating her 15 housemates. What a gal!

I LOVE climbing things!

As it turns out, this super special date Woody definitely planned himself is a Harbour Bridge Climb. You know the thing that 150 tourists do every day? Yeah that. Nina tells him he is “craaaaazy!” People in glass houses, babe…

While they climb the steps of the bridge, Woody admits that apart from women who might make him feel bad about stuff, he is also terrified of heights. It is v v romantic.

Thank GAWD Osher is at the top to try and inject some form of excitement into this date. No big deal guys, he’s just been waiting up here all morning. #commitment.

With his glorious weave flapping in the smog-filled breeze, Osher explains that they are going to break a world record: The longest televised kiss on top of the Harbour Bridge! WHAT ARE THE CHANCES?! THIS WAS DEFINITELY NOT DONE FOR PUBLICITY! THIS IS THE MOST ROMANTIC THING EVER!

They waste no time getting right down to business.

Guys, I really don’t know what my brain was doing, but I honestly didn’t think they would literally show the entire 4 minutes of sucking face. How wrong I was. You could see the shame in Osher’s eyes as he commentated the whole thing (as in, he shouted numbers at them).

I salute you, Sir Gunsberg.

All I could think about for that 4 minutes was whether or not they’d brushed their teeth.

Meanwhile, back in the Formal Dining Room, Bitch Face Emily is talking with…someone about the possibility of Woody sucking face with Nina. While we are shown Woody sucking face with Nina. Romance.

are they kissing

They are definitely not kissing.

After the longest 4 minutes of my life is over, the two of them go back to a random Harbour-side apartment to sit amongst red and white cushions and talk about feelings. Nina gets a rose. And hopefully some Vaseline for that mean pash rash she must have now. Yowzers.

Nina returns home and tells everyone about her record-breaking date.

Not So Cool Girl Heather’s face is EVERYTHING.

I’m cool with this…

I will cut a bitch.

GROUP DATE!

Guys, it was only a matter of time before competitive sports were introduced. And this season it appears to be Bubble Soccer i.e. a game where bitches wear short shorts and try and look dignified while running around in an inflatable bubble. I mean, it is definitely the way I plan to bag my future husband.

Craylor Swift is off chops about it. I legit fear for her vocal chords.

Woody referees this complete dedication to gender equality and my boobs hurt just watching it.

Back at the mansion, the other bitches are sitting around baking. For realz. Proving once again that if you aren’t playing competitive sports in your underwear, you must be baking things. #feminism.

Something about Wood and balls.

The green team win and for their efforts are gifted with a Mexican fiesta with Woody aboard a boat. Because water.

Sandra’s extreme commitment to the game and ability to scream things gets her some alone time with Bachie and you just KNOW this is the end. I mean, it’s no secret that the producers have kept her around because she makes better television than a drunk Karl Stefanovic, but I am suddenly feeling really sad. The whole exchange between her and Woody went something like this:

W: You’re really competitive.

S: OMG YESSS!! HAHAHA I LOVE SPORTS AND BALLS!

W: Yeah, we…

S: I MEAN IT WAS SO MUCH FUN I CAN’T EVEN TELL YOU *inaudible laughing/screaming*

W: Do you li…

S: ARE YOU GOING TO EAT THAT ENCHILADA? I LOVE PINATAS!! HAHAHA OMG THIS IS THE BEST! *inaudible laughing/screaming*

Bye bye Sandra. I miss you already.

The other bitches sit out on deck eating Mexican food and looking generally pissed off. I mean, take away the whole “boat” thing and you’ve got any other Friday night.

Later on at the Rose Ceremony, Sandra tells us that her chat with Woody went roily roily well and she expects a rose tonight. Baaaaaabe…..

Bitch Face Emily is in premium hater mode and hates on everyone along with her side-kick, Fire Hazard. BFE makes it clear she will not be approaching Sam any time soon and will continue to sit in her Sour Puss Tower and await his invitation to a day spa.

Woody is clearly psychic and not being told who to talk to by the assistant director because, funnily enough, he appears out of nowhere and asks BFE to accompany him outside.

Bachie admits that he is a little intimidated by Emily because she seems like a tough one to crack. (Lol, “crack”). Gosh, I don’t know WHERE he would get that from considering Emily is only about the smiles.

I’m so happy for you.

She goes back to the Formal Lounge Room and not-so-subtly tells Cool But Not So Cool Girl Heather that Woody isn’t interested in a friend and only wants fireworks. Cool But Not So Cool Girl Heather tries to play it cool but fails miserably and leaves the room to go hang with her cool, awkward crowd.

L-R: Jasmin, Emily and some other bitch

Before things get even more high school, it’s finally Rose Ceremony time.

I don’t reeeeeally need to recap this part because we ALL know who’s going home. The producers even try and trick us by placing some random girl called Rachel(?) next to Sandra before Woody hands out the final rose. You’re not fooling anyone, Channel 10.

Yep, it’s curtains for Craylor Swift. I’m devastated. I don’t care what anyone says… I loved her.

You go and scream/laugh at all the little children, Craylor! We will miss you.

Godspeed, Sandra.

Tags: Emily, harbour bridge, Heather, nina, osher, Sam Wood, The Bachelor Au, The Bachelor Au Season 3, the bachelor australia, The bachelor Australia 2015, the bachelor australia episode 5, the bachelor australia recap, the bachelor bridge climb, the bachelor episode 5 recap, The Bachelor Season 3, thebachelorau, TheBachelorAustralia, thebachelorepisode5

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Categories The Bachelor, The Bachelor Season 3

The Bachelor Season 3 Premiere: Into the (Sam) Woods

30 Jul

“Into the woods to Bachie’s house…”

Ladies and gentlemen, in the glorious names of dignity and gender equality, we assemble here again.

WELCOME BACK!

Gawd, I’ve missed you.

Sweet Valley High, we have officially begun Season 3 of Australian TV’s crowning glory, ‘The Bachelor’. *fan girl squealing*

I cannot even express to you how much I was aching to get back into this… Channel 10 have been teasing me worse than Missy Higgins and her lesbian following!

But I’ll tell you something for free; it was bloody WORTH IT!

Good gawd have they assembled a solid team this year. For realz, my numerous social media platforms were going off chops! I’ve actually never felt more popular.

But enough about me. Let the proceedings begin!

Cut to opening montage of golden sunrises, glistening oceans, fake tan, anal bleaching and dreams. In case you missed it, two other shirtless guys totally pashed on with two other blonde chicks in the last two years but one got proposed to but then he changed his mind and pashed another blonde chick who was good at making pavlova, so we are on to a winner with this show.

Enter Bachie 3.0.

Sam Wood. Tiger Wood. Woody. Woody Wants a Wife. I mean the dude has one of the broadest Aussie accents I have heard since Jamie Rogers in the Sportsbet ads.

Get in line, bitches.

He lives in Melbourne (Omigod! What if we run into each other getting our pre-workout soy latte?)* but is actually from Tasmania. He has a kids fitness business called Gecko Sports. And he, “wears his haaart on his sloyive.”

#Straya.

It’s actually fine so far. Despite multiple gaydars pinging around the place, Woody seems like a decent bloke. I mean, I’m pretty certain that most people are just glad he’s not stupid Blake. So I’m more than willing to give him a chance.

Osher’s back. He’s had the full salon treatment. I’m guessing the Miracle Oil Deep Conditioning? But guys, just hang on….don’t get mad…but…has Oshy….*GASP* put on weight?

Not that that’s a bad thing. I think he kind of overdid it on the paleo and bikram yoga last year, so he is looking muuuuuch healthier for this season. Hooray!

Never forget.

Now that Osher’s had some carbs, let’s meet the bitches!!

Bitch #1 – Naj…Zhaja…Snijannn…. First Girl

Twitter was pretty sure she said “Vagina” but in the interest of keeping things clean, I’m gonna go with Parmigiana. Cos that’s what she called herself. Parma is hot and ethnic. I like her.

Bitch #2 – Busy Business Lady – Sarah

Sarah is very busy being a businesswoman because she walks briskly down the streets of Melbourne wearing glasses and stops on bridges to ponder why she allowed her need to be a businesswoman stop her from entering a contest to fight over a dude she barely knows.

Bitch #3 – Anal Glands – Laura(?)

No, she’s not a drag queen. She’s a vet. And she’s English. And so she has an accent. Which she felt the need to tell Woody straight away. As in, “Did you notice my accent?” No, bitch. I’ve said two words to you, just hold up! But could you please tell me more about anal glands?

And that is Exactly. What. She. Did. #DrAnalGlands for the win.

We are barely five bitches in and already I am so happy with my life choices.

This really happened.

We meet ~~out of work actor~~ personal assistant, Jacinda; cool, “real girl” Heather; a collection of boring, semi-normal women and then my new reason for living – Sandra.

Just imagine if Laurina’s dad had an affair with Maria Venuti and their illicit union spawned a child. A girl with a big rack and a penchant for high ponytails and yelling things really loudly. Well, that would be Sandra.

Guys, it is taking a lot of self-restraint to continue writing about the rest of the show and not just dedicate this whole blog to why Sandra is the best thing to happen to television since the Edelsten wedding. (Which one? Doesn’t matter.)

Sandra tells us that she’s funny and crazy and that a lot of women find her intimidating. So…… she’s annoying as f*#k. She is super dooper excited because her name starts with THE SAME LETTER AS BACHIE! Ohmagaad guys, this could be true love!

Practically twins.

Cocktail Party!

SHUT THE FRONT DOOR, THE WHITE/SEX ROSE IS BACK!

This year they are trying to tell us that it gives the woman the chance to take Woody out on a date of her choice. As in, a woman is getting an iota of power on this show, this is BIG! I still don’t buy it. It will always be the Sex Rose in my mind.

The bitches are primed and ready for Woody to steal them away into the night and give them a chance to dazzle him in 3 minutes or less.

The House that Spotlight Built is in full regalia with fairy lights, faux flowers and candles, candles, candles. One bitch burns her tutu on said candles. First life lesson of the night: Don’t cha-cha near an open flame.

As usual, it is very clear that there is far too much champers and not enough toilets in this ridiculous mansion. Consequently, Sandra is getting white girl wasted at an alarming rate and starts complaining to the general area around her that people seem like bitches. Resheal, the token non-white girl of the season and completely normal-looking, reasons that it’s the first night and that everyone seems nice. She is obviously having a dig at Sandra and Sandra is not having a bar of it. Resheal once again reasons that she doesn’t like to gossip about people she doesn’t know and that maybe Sandra is overreacting.

Second life lesson of the night (according to Sandra): If you don’t gossip, you’re not a woman.

How can you not love this stupid show?!

Cool girl Heather, who is described as an “Aspiring Film Maker”, gets a moment with Woody and wins hearts ALL over Australia. Oh she’s just so COOL and NORMAL because she talks about superheroes and dorky things. WOW! Can I remind you that she also said that there’s just something about waiting for a man to come and “get you” that appeals to her. #feminism.

I assume she’s a poor uni student who goes to RMIT, so I’ll let that one slide.

Busy businesswoman Sarah gets the first rose after making Woody do yoga awkwardly in a tux. These girls are just so CA-RAZAY!

Shit is getting real, guys. There are only….. ummm….. actually I don’t know how many roses are left. But there’s a lot.

Some chick called Tess panics and decides she needs to bring in the big guns. She talks over her plan to approach Bachie with Cool Girl Heather. She looks v serious. Heather counsels her like she is contemplating donating an organ. Tess realises that she needs to “stand out”. Omigod guys, WHAT is she going to DO?!

Get changed.

That’s the short answer.

Tess goes and takes off her GASP dress and pulls on a smart pair of Timberlands and a singlet top. She is a sexy lumberjack apparently.

Goals.

With her new-found lumberjack confidence, Tess strides off to get chopping Sam’s Wood, ifyouknowwhadImean?

Meanwhile, Sandra has now reached critical level drunk and has decided to have it out with that normal bitch, Resheal. In front of everyone. Because that is what a good choice looks like. She gathers the other bitches up and declares that Resheal is just the worst for insinuating that she is a trouble-maker, refuses to speak with Resheal privately but reassures everyone that she forgives her. Resheal tries to explain her normal side of the story, but Drunk Sandra is not okay with this and some random mad girl tells Sandra to shut up and let Resheal speak.

It’s heaven.

It is at this point I remember that Sandra is a primary school teacher. Like, with kids. Tbh, I’m pretty glad she’s not my kids’ teacher but also I wish I had kids so she could be. Can you IMAGINE a parent/teacher interview with her?!

To give Sandra some credit, we have AAAALLLLL been that girl at a party. Don’t pretend you haven’t had too much spumante and danced on a table somewhere, screaming at everyone for hating on you. No? Just me? Moving on….

But hold the phone!

Woody looks thoughtful. He’s thinking about stuff. He’s going back into the house. What what WHAT is happening?!

He gets the White/Sex Rose! He’s going to give it to someone. I can’t deal. I bet it’s that skinny girl in the white dress I already forgot about. No, no wait…

It’s Cool Girl Heather! YAY!!

Collective cheers are heard around Australia. Cool Girl says any date she controls is going to be EPIC. I bet she takes him to some hipster garden party where jaffles fall from the sky and then on to a foreign movie screening.

Osh returns and tells everyone the first Rose Ceremony is about to commence. EEEEEEE!

The producers have reinstated the Batman Begins soundtrack and so everything is v v dramatic. Many bitches whose names I forget receive a rose. Even Anal Glands gets one.

We are left with Sandra, Random Mad Girl and a somewhat scary-looking chick called Zilda. Sandra contemplates the possibility that she might not get a rose. And we are gifted our third life lesson of the night: Maybe some guys just don’t like the full package.

If Sandra doesn’t get a rose I will cry. Loudly.

HA! As IF she wasn’t going to get one! The producers of this show are smarter than I give them credit for; Drunk Sandra is the reason this show exists! She mercifully gets the very last rose, which means we are left with two losers who are undeserving of love.

Bye Random Mad Girl. 😦

And that, my friends, is that. Episode One in what promises to be an epic season of Bachie goodness. I have not stopped talking about it all morning. My brain hurts I’m that excited.

Until tomorrow….

Anal glands.

*This is probably never going to happen because I don’t work out.

Tags: Anal Glands, Episode 1, Heather, Jacinda, Resheal, Sam Wood, Sandra, The Bachelor 2015, The Bachelor Recap, The Bachelor Season 3, thebachelor, thebachelorau, TheBachelorAustralia, Zilda

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Categories The Bachelor, The Bachelor Season 3

The Bachelor Season 2: The Aftermath

23 Oct

ERRRMAGERRRRD! This year’s Bachie is the gift that just keeps on giving!

It is now three (actually, probably four) whole weeks since the finale episode of Africa, Bunda rings and drama drama drama. And lucky for me, things just kept getting messier. So I thought it only fitting to do a bitchy post-finale wrap-up. Because there is nothing I like better than holding on to things for longer than I should.

Allow me, if you will, a moment to catch you up on the sticky aftermath of Blake Garvey’s journey (ifyouknowwhaddamean):

The team went to Africa

Day before the Finale, Channel 10 pull all media interviews with Blake and “winner”. *ALARM BELLS*

Social media goes in to MELTDOWN. (Like, seriously, the internet broke).

Normal Lisa goes home because she is normal.

Blake proposes to Sam with a Bunda ring and she accepts.

12 hours later, it is confirmed Sam and Blake have already split.

~~Blake comes out of the closet with his new lover Adriano Zumbo.~~

Sam posts the following on twitter:

Rumors abound that Lisa is up the duff with Blake’s lovechild (they turn out to be untrue….BOO!)

The Project finally confirm an interview with both Sam and Blake and receive their highest viewer ratings in years.

Sam calls Blake a jackass and shows herself to be a bloody legend and a half. Everybody starts following her on Instagram and declaring that Blake is the worst ever. (*Can I just say, Sam, if you’re reading this: I’m really sorry for being suuuuuuch a bitch to you. I know I hung shit on you for your two-toned hair and your unfortunate Frankston roots, but it was all fun and games really. I was wrong. Let’s be lovers. You win at everything.)

I salute you, my Queen

Everyone starts packing up their fake tan and playsuits, believing this year’s Bachie journey has sadly come to an end.

BREAKING NEWS! A new rumor surfaces about Blake Vader and Lipstick Louise. It’s almost too good to be true…

Praise be to Oprah, IT IS TRUE AND THEY ARE GOING TO DO A WHOLE INTERVIEW ABOUT THEIR TOTALLY REAL AND PURE LOVE WITH WOMAN’S DAY! (But also with The Project because we don’t want anyone to miss out).

And here we are.

So kids, it turns out Blake Vader just couldn’t get that delicious raspberry pavlova out of his head, because he has done a swapsie; he’s dumped Sam, flown to Thailand and declared his undying love for Lipstick Louise. Well actually, in between the finale of the show and now, Blake went to Night TAFE, graduated Literacy class, worked through his heartbreak at losing 30 potential wives and then managed to write Louise a 5-page love letter all by himself because he just cannot forget her pavlova.

Lucky for him, Louise has not been doing much else apart from sitting around crying over her wasted wife skills and the stripper who made her ride a mechanical bull for entertainment.

“I learned Afrikaan for you!“

Turns out Louise totally dug Vader’s letter and the two are now shacked up together in a white and beige palace in Thailand. As Blake so expertly explained, they wanted to escape the public scrutiny and get to know each other again in private. But not before they did an interview with Woman’s Day for a casual $50 000. No biggie.

So right now I am sitting here, racking my brains as to how to explain this whole Blake-loved-Sam-but-then-didn’t-love-Sam-but-Lisa-might-be-pregnant-but-not-and-now-Blake-loves-Louise-and-she’s-totally-fine-with-it…thing. But it is more confusing and awkward than the entire series of Homeland. Fortunately though, Blake and Louise decided that “privacy” also means doing another interview with The Project.

Cut to Monday night. Bloody Carrie Bickmore flew to Thailand for 5 sodding hours to interview The Stripper Who Couldn’t Make Up His Mind and his lucky beard/girlfriend/runner-up. As promised, they are still in the White Beige Mansion, looking very white and beige in their white and beige matching outfits.

#beige

Last time, Blake told Ms Bickmore that there was absolutely no one else in his life and that he was concentrating on mending his broken heart. WHAT. A. LIAR.

So Carrie puts the hard word on our Most Hated Bachelor and he admits that after the finale he couldn’t stop thinking about Louise and his feelings for her just kept growing until he couldn’t imagine life without her. Snore.

My guess is, he spent his first 24 hour period with Sam and realized she has a much more interesting personality than him.

The really controversial moment of the interview is when Vader tries to explain to Carrie that Sam DID know about Louise but asked him not to say anything to the public.

“Da fuuuuuck?!”

No, Blake Vader, no.

Look, to his credit, at least he’s still as terrible an actor as he was on the show.

Louise sort of just sits there looking white and beige and verrrry much the cat who got the Bachelor cream. But then we get this pearl of a question from Carrie:

“How was it for you finding out about Blake’s past, like the pictures of him being a stripper?”

“He wasn’t a stripper.” – L. Pillidge, 2014

Really?

Gosh, the truth is really coming out in this interview.

Boring, boring, many snaps of Blake and Louise kissing on the beach and Carrie leaves the happy beige couple in their Thai mansion and flies back to Melbourne to interview our favourite bachelorettes; Sam and Lisa.

I think we’ve already covered this, but Sam and Lisa are awesome and they win.

In a genius moment of television, Carrie has the girls watch the interview she has just done with Blake and Louise and films their reactions.

Gawd, it’s good.

They get to the bit where Vader tries to tell us that Sam asked him not to reveal his relationship with Louise to the public…

“That is the biggest load of shit I’ve ever heard!” – Sam

“It’s just a massive web of lies!” – Lisa

And then…..BOMBSHELL!

Lisa reveals that after the Finale, Blake actually called her to ask if she still had feelings for him?! Good God, man! Do you not know that WOMEN TALK??

Lisa explains that she was all, “…how dare you. If you wanted to choose me, you choose me. I don’t come second to anyone.” Because she is normal. God bless her.

On the the plus side, the two girls admit that the experience wasn’t a total loss because they found each other and made a lasting friendship. It’s quite beautiful really. And then WHO Magazine released this…

In your face, Richard Mercer

And my opinion?

To be quite honest, I’m just tired of looking at Blake’s stupid face.

At the end of the day, I’m sure Louise is a super lovely person, but really, they are just as beige as each other so it’s a match made in heaven. She likes baking and wearing lipstick and he likes ladies who are good wives. Now they can go and live together in their beige house with their beige yacht and their NutriBullet.

See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya.

And that’s all, folks.

Thanks again for joining me throughout the Bachelor 2014 Journey.

***POST-SCRIPT***

FYI; I will be doing a live one-woman show based on my blogs and on The Bachelor in general in the coming year. You can keep up to date with show times and cities on the Facebook page. It’s called Prick from a Rose and I promise it will be funny and filled with bitchiness and me getting drunk.

What else is exciting, is that I’ll be joining my friend Chris O for a video blog episode on reality television and all things Bachie related. He is a total doll and the resulting vid will be appearing on YouTube. Keep an eye out for it!

If you would like to contact me or send in suggestions for future blogs/rants, feel free to do so through this site. I LOVE a smart Suggestions Box.

Tags: Bachelor Blake, Bachelor finale, bachelorseason2, Blake and Louise, Channel 10, lisa, louise, sam, the bachelor 2014 recap, The Project, thebachelorau, TheBachelorAustralia

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Categories The Bachelor, The Bachelor Season 2

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