Tag Archives: The Bachelor

The Bachelor Season 3: The One I Couldn’t See

28 Aug

So here’s the thing.

 

I couldn’t watch last night’s episode, which has actually turned out quite well for me since, due to the alleged dating-in-the-dark theme I’ve been informed about, I can now proudly use the above lame title pun because that’s exactly who I am as a person.

 

So instead of trying to watch the episode on the internets and use up all my data, I had my clever ghost writer compile some notes which I am now going to transpose into this post. They are bloody hilarious and I am legit interested to see if I can make sense of notes from a show I did not see at all. Considering it’s Bachie we’re talking about, and not ‘Inception’, I reckon I might be ok.

 

Here we go…

 

The producers want to remind us how dramatic and scary last episode was when Bitch Face decided to walk out of the rose ceremony on her own free will. Free will is scary.

The original bitches are doing their bloody best to find out erry little detail about intruder bitches and why they could POSSIBLY be here. Ebru is particularly upset and confused as to why the new bitches are even interested in Woody; she thinks they are a new type of bitch who have wandered onto the wrong show because they couldn’t possibly be here to bone Woody…. babe. Think about it, please.

(P.s Ebru is clearly going home tonight given that she has had more air time in the first ten minutes of this ep than the entire series thus far. And she is wearing a hideous velour headband.)

Some choice panning shots of The Mansion that Spotlight Built and, lemme just say, the grounds keeper must be using flipping elf blood to maintain those wisteria, because they are on fleek. The bitches gather around the Mess Hall and talk about how ‘different’ it is waking up in the mansion now that there are so many new bitches trying to get their mitts on communal boyfriend, Sam.

Because the producers clearly want to make Ebru the mean villain tonight, they show her saying how much she hates the intruders. Again. #subtle.

Nina tells us there will be drama tonight, because there are new bitches and if an old bitch gets ditched for a new bitch then bad feelings will happen.

Original bitches continue to question intruder bitches and New bitch – Blonde Tall Bitch #4 (Rachel?) is all, “back off, stahp asking me shit, I don’t even know you and do not want to be your friend. KK thnxbye.”

Osher appears from the door way and what… no tailoring at all, just a shirt from Cotton On. This show’s budget concerns are deeper than we think, guys. To try and distract everyone from this, he pulls out some GOLDEN LOPES! Cool But Not So Girl Heather keeps saying she wants ‘Ebs’ to have the date this week. Not sure why considering she is boring as feck and is clearly the new mean villain that everyone should hate now.

Don matta, cause Heather gets a second date anyways. Lol!

Sweet Valley High, the second envelope is… a GROUP DATE! (Thank you for listening to my prayers, Channel 10). The bitches seem excited except for Nina who is angry about something, but I didn’t care enough to write it down.

They all fanny downstairs to find Osher who explains the group date is a date about attraction; it sounds science-y because he uses serious science-y terminology, but it is basically just a boner test in the dark. Science. Allow me to put it in riddle form for you: How much wood would a woody-giving bitch give if a woody bitch and Woody can’t see the wood? The real question.

Because this date is definitely not about the fact that they are running out of money fast, the group date is just a lot of eating in the dark. The bitches and Woody start talking shit in the dark and Parmigiana points out that it’s really dark in the room. They are eating Chinese food and it looks as though they have forgotten that there are no staff here to pour their champers and clean their shit when they are on dates. Someone has to clean all the shit they are dropping on the floor and table. Turns out a lot of them are just Neanderthals with a spray tan.

Now here’s a question: what is the most unsexy thing ever?

Blindly mashing food into your own face? Wrong! It’s blindly mashing food into someone else’s face whilst a national audience watch on.

The new bitches flank Woody at the table and BTB#4 is still v v uptight for someone on a national program in a dark-eating boner competition. On the other hand, Lana has definitely done this before because she is playing Woody like a fiddle.

Because she was able to speak to Woody without being completely snore-worthy or dropping beef and blackbean all over his chinos.

 

eating in dark

I can really taste our connection.

 

The original bitches are obvi upset, but still respect Lana for ‘going for it’. Hashtag gogirl!

After the spine-tingling events of the group date, it’s on to Cool But Not So Cool Girl Heather’s second date which is diabetes themed.

He picks her up in an ice cream truck which is weird because it kinda just looks like she is on some rando stretch of highway getting picked up in an icecream truck. I think this is the producers trying to show how “fun” Woody is because he totally chose to drive this embarrassment machine.

They go to some garden and there is a diabetes buffet waiting for them. This look like it’s meant to be a Masterchef promo but it doesn’t fly. Another random chef comes out and announces that he hopes they enjoy getting diabetes. Woody and Heather begin eating the “dessert dirt” but given their bodies we all know neither have touched an artificial sugar since 2001. They both pretend to eat the chocolate. They talk about how chilled they both are and I’m pretty sure she calls him Man and Dude again.

 

ice cream truck

This is definitely about fun and not about budget cuts..

 

After their delicious diabetes buffet, they move to a second location to drink away the diabetes. They have boring convo about their “connection” and their “understanding” of each other and continue talking about nothing, until finally they actually get around to stating what their ‘connection’ is. Apparently it has something to do with the fact that Cool But Not So Cool Girl can be her cool self around Woody. Woody seems surprised by this; he is confused as to why she would be anyone else, especially on a TV show where you are yourself pitted against other bitches being themselves.

They kiss. She gets a rose.

Meanwhile, back at the Mansion (now affectionately known as the Elf Garden) the original bitches are outside bitching about the intruder bitches. Funnily enough, the intruder bitches are inside bitching about the original bitches.

They keep saying the same things over and over again and I really want Sandra back so that something interesting can happen.

Cocktail Party!

Heather begins retelling her date to the bitches when Woody casually walks in. I mean, how awkward is it when one of your gfs tells the other gfs the details of your communal boyfriend’s tongue and texture (she didn’t say that but she should have because her explanation of their kiss was BOR-RING).

It’s now all about the intruder bitches vs. original bitches for a Rose Ceremony show down. The producers are clearly setting them up to hate each other and all I can think is how much I want Blonde Tall Bitch #4 to be a biter or a face-slapper since she seems like the bitchiest bitch now that Emily has left. As mentioned earlier, Ebru is OBVI going home because,“if I were to go home before the new girls I would be devastated.”

She definitely has a lot to say before she becomes a loser who needs to leave the temple of feminism.

Osher’s hair and wardrobe is on point again. Someone give it a raise.

Lana gets a rose.

Nina bitches about not getting the first rose.

Nina gets the second rose.

Blonde Tall Bitch #4 says she wants to stay.

Parma gets a rose.

Underscore music reaches fantasy-adventure-crescendo level shit.

Sarah gets a rose.

Cue fast strings and cymbals.

Nina talks about how Blonde Tall Bitch #4 is the worst and will be going home but erryone knows that is not true because Ebru is leaving fo sho.

For no discernible reason Blonde Tall Bitch #4 gets the last rose over Ebru.

Ebru and her velour headband leave in a Nissan.

 

giphysabrina gif

Intruders be like…

 

Nina looks shocked because she doesn’t understand anything apart from cars and weddings.

 

The end.

 

So how’d we do?

 

xx

 

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The Bachelor Season 3: Omigawd, Intruders!

27 Aug

*Spoiler alert*

This post contains Intruder Bitches. But I’m pretty sure you already picked that up from the barrage of promos and shots of Woody’s surprise face shown throughout the week.

But one thing at a time.

No water-related poignancy, no work outs, no Rose Maths tonight. No Woody at all. We are zooming straight into the Mess Hall at the Mansion that Spotlight Built, where the bitches are clearly sitting around fresh from the last rose ceremony. Heather’s farcical fishtail braid/shetland pony hairdo is a dead give away.

Parmigiana is dressed conveniently in a Star Wars pyjama top. Because she likes Star Wars. Remember, guys? Remember when Woody had that random dessert chef make her that random Pokemon-looking dessert that was meant to look like the Death Star and then delivered it to that random garden that was meant to look like Little Italy? Yep. Continuity.

Osher’s here. He looks serious. He solemnly tells the bitches that Woody is having a super hard time dating all seven of them and coming up with new forms of transport that fit within the budget is stretching his Bachie brain a little thin.

So, obviously, the single date goes to his one-time Bali love, Bec, and, obvi, they are going to take a flippin HELICOPTER!

As Bec waits out on the front lawn for Bachie to pretend to land the thing, she explains how “blown away” she is by this gesture that Woody had nothing to do with.

 

bec wind

Helicopter: You’re doing it wrong.

 

Surprise surprise! They go to an indoor sky diving arena/centre/space station thing. Guys, if you hadn’t already picked up on it, I think the theme for this date is #air.

Now, I dunno about you, but “indoor sky diving” is kind of not a thing. As in, being blown about by a large industrial fan is NOT the same as legit jumping from a tiny plane into the actual sky. But ten points for enthusiasm.

Once in their sexy jumpsuits, the two of them flap about in this “sky diving tank” thing where an instructor holds them by the waist and stops them from face planting. It is super dooper romantic. Because it just wouldn’t be a season of The Bachelor without some serious facial flapping and Passion of the Christ action.

 

sky diving

How it’s done, bitchez.

 

After the exertion of their non-sky-diving activities, Bec and Woody retire to an outdoor rotunda somewhere in suburban Sydney to talk about that time they drank a bucket of Sex of The Beach and sucked face in Bali.

Bec talks a LOT about her walls and how she has trust issues, which seems logical considering she’s on a televised dating show. Woody does his best to give a f*ck about her feelings, but eventually is just like….I’m out.

He tells her that it’s just going to take too much work for his wrecking ball to crash through her emotional walls, and really, ain’t nobody got time for that. Wife-hunting is a cutthroat business.

 

And…

 

She goes home.

Does not pass GO, does not collect $200. Woody has already phoned ahead and had them bring her bags, all packed and ready for Loserville.

 

dr who bye

Bachie be like…

 

The date is over quicker than you can say Bintang.

 

Upon return to the mansion, Woody holds a press conference with his six other potential wives and tells them that Bec no longer wanted to put out so he sent her packing. This is v v rude because, obviously, only Osher can hold serious press conferences. He is going to be pissed.

The other bitches pretend to be shocked/sad that one of their competitors has been taken out.

The next morning, Woody decides to show up to the Mansion that Spotlight Built with his sacrificial bananas to cook the bitches breakfast. Yayyyy!

The producers were clearly hoping that more bitches would resemble toe rags fresh out of bed, but alas, they just look like themselves without makeup on. BORING!

Bitch Face Emily has the nerve to not come bounding straight downstairs as soon as Woody arrives and so she is immediately in the bad books, how very dare she. In her defence, she stayed up last night doing her roots. She makes up for it though with a smart breakfast scarf.

On the other hand, Woody is v impressed with Heather’s butt flap.

 

breakfast scarf

Shoulda worn a butt flap.

 

Still sad about having to do a sneaky bye-bye to one of his girlfriends Bachie is going to take another bitch out on a single date to make up for it this week, which again means no group date. Waaah!

Busy Businesswoman Sarah is chosen for her second date and Ebru is suuuuuuuper happy about it.

If you recall, last time Sarah and Woody met up, they cruised around on a yacht, no big deal, sipping Yellow and talking about each other’s eyes.

This time, Sarah is escorted from her lady prison in a water taxi.

I’m guessing her next date will involve a boogie board or some sort of floating dinghy?

Woody takes BBS to his “Bachie Pad” which is apparently just a vine-covered bike shed conveniently on the water front of Sydney Harbour.

 

shed

What the shed is this?!

 

Woody has picked up on the fact that BBS really likes wine, so he thought he might be incredibly romantic and make her wear a blindfold and guess all the different wines he has conveniently not bought for her.

HOLD UP.

Sam, I dunno if you know the female kind, but any self-respecting woman knows her Savvy B’s from her Pinot Noirs. It’s just an in-built skill we are born with.

But I guess now we can add Sommelier to the list of required wife skills, along with bubble soccer and treasure digging.

No surprises here, Sarah guesses erry damn one correctly because she is a business woman and doesn’t have time for dicking about. Her reward is picking the one she liked best to share with her communal boyfriend.

She explains that she picked the Rose hoping Woody might take the hint and give her a rose.

Babe.

The dude doesn’t know what Friend Zoning is. Nor does he actually know what ‘misunderstanding’ means. I doubt this subtle hint is gonna go anywhere. He’s a personal trainer, not a linguist.

The rest of the date is very vanilla. But she gets a rose, blah blah. Her subtle hints worked. We don’t see BBS go home because that bloody helicopter blew out the whole week’s budget, but I’m sure however she left had something to do with a Nissan. Or public transport.

 

Cocktail Party.

In case you didn’t already know, INTRUDERS enter the mansion tonight. Osher comes in and looks concerned; he’s probably going to tell Woody off for trying to steal his job with that whole ‘press conference’ trick he pulled earlier.

They go outside and Woody looks suitably scared, until Oshie tells him that, in fact, he is being gifted with two more lady friends in sparkly dresses. AND HERE THEY ARE!

Intruder #1: Lana

Brown haired, big eyes, likes yoga and golf. They seem to be focusing a lot on her hands… maybe she’s secretly married and the producers are sending us a clue? They talk about golf and Woody wonders whether Lana just might be his ace in the hole, ifyouknowwhaddamean?

Intruder #2: Rachel

Blonde-haired, food-blogger….and…that’s all I remember. Except I’m almost positive she is the same bitch from earlier in the season back for another crack at it and “food blogger” is her alias because we all know it really just means unemployed.

 

rachel clone

Tall Bitch #4, is that you??

 

Nina is first to spot them, hence the infamous catch cry OMIGAWD! OMIGAWD, GUYS INTRUDERS! INTRUDERS, OMIGAWD!

The original bitches cannot believe that the producers who made them eat duck chin are seriously bringing in more women for Woody’s Lady Buffet, I mean, what what WHAT is happening? This is so UNEXPECTED!

Despite their initial panic, the original bitches are semi-polite and talk to the two new date crashers like everything’s cool. Cool But Not So Cool Girl Heather plays it relatively cool and is just all, “jump right in! Plenty Wood to spare!”

Ebru, on the other hand, is not having a bar of it, and proclaims that, “these women might steal Sam off of us! And they are literally staying in OUR house!”

Poor Ebs clearly does not understand how monogamy or real estate works.

While someone takes Ebru aside and explains the whole concept of this show to her, Woody gets a moment with Bitch Face Emily who is reaching critical Bitch Face levels after the harrowing night they have had.

Their conversation is a bit tense, so to diffuse this problem, Emily goes straight for the question all hot girls love to ask: How do you see me?

DER-RAMA!

Woody basically tells her that she’s, well…a bitch. Bitch Face is shocked at this admission that she might be a bitch, because it is obviously all Nina’s fault that she is being a bitch and that Woody thinks she is bitchy, stupid Nina. Emily is still standing by that “I’m an open book” line, but from what I can see, all the chapters seem to be about Nina.

 

Rose Ceremony!

With all this der-rama flying about, tonight’s ceremony is sure to be action-packed.

Intruder #1 gets a rose.

Heather, Parmigiana and Ebru get roses.

Intruder #2 gets a rose.

Which, surprise surprise, leaves Bitch Face Emily and Hot Rod Nina to fight it out.

However, being left standing next to her most hated person in the entire world is basically the biggest travesty of justice for Emily, and before Woody has a chance to listen into his earpiece for who he needs to keep, she just…walks out.

And he just watches her go, like no big deal.

Honestly, this guy is starting to win points with me. He is sassing chicks left, right and centre. He is the new Kanye West.

 

emily walks out

Yeah, byyyeeee.

 

Meanwhile Nina is left standing there like tits on a bull.

“Umm…. Nina. This rose was ALWAYS meant for you and legit has nothing to do with the fact that one of my girlfriends just walked out on me on national TV.”

All the other bitches rejoice.

Emily has taken her breakfast scarf and supply of Nice’n’Easy and is on her not-so-merry way, still certain that the last rose was clearly meant for her. Hot girl logic.

 

I for one will miss her terribly. If this was Melrose Place, she would be Heather Locklear. And that makes me sad.

 

heather locklear

You’re all boring without me.

x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 3: The Race for Wood

21 Aug

Bitches, start your engines!

 

Wait… I feel like I’ve said that before?

 

That’s right, I did. I used that same line last year when He Who Shall Not Be Named took his harem of bitches race car driving.

Either I need to get some new jokes or this show is running out of ideas. Or maybe fast driving is a legit wife skill that must be tested each year?

Anyhoo, welcome to the Race That Stops the Nation. Because this episode is all about a race, Woody starts us off by strolling through a paddock of race horses, talking about the race for his heart and how time is racing away from them. #symbolism.

Back at the Mess Hall, the bitches are drinking their Skinny Detox Tea when Osher arrives with a thick package from Sam.

 

package

Exhibit A: Sam’s thick package.

 

GROUP DATE!

No surprises here, it’s something about racing. Nina can barely keep a lid on it, she’s so keen. Turns out she’s been harbouring some serious bogan tendencies in those crop tops she’s so fond of.

She admits she’s quite the rev head and all of a sudden I can picture all of these alleged weddings she plans and finally I understand who is keeping pink Hummers in business….

 

this guy

This guy.

 

At the Speedway of Dreams, Osher tells them they are about to compete in The Bachelor Grand Prix and literally race for Sam’s Wood. Which would almost sound bad ass, if it weren’t for the glorified dodgem cars they get into.

Now that Jasmin’s Jaw has returned to the world where feminism exists (real life), the producers have cottoned on that the pool of cray is quickly dwindling. And since Cool But Not So Cool Girl Heather has been managing to play it relatively cool of late, these producers have suddenly decided that Emily doesn’t hate her anymore but hates Nina instead.

WHOAH! DER-RAMA!

Emily proclaims that her sole intention today is to beat Nina because the producers told her to she doesn’t like her and her love of cars.

Osher starts the Wood race and Emily is off quicker than a housewife at a Myer sale. See ya, bitchez!

She is not giving any f*&#s who she crashes into because it’s obviously v v important that she shows how serious she is about winning Wood by being really competitive.

Meanwhile, that Rachel lady is laggin like a proper old nana driver… the other bitches are lapping her every few minutes. Kind of like they’re lapping you in life, babe.

 

granny driving

 

Things take an awkward turn for the worse when Nina thinks she has won and makes a big freaking song and dance about it until Osher informs her that, actually, Emily slayed erryones’s asses by 7 whole seconds and she is just so gracious in her victory you’d think Princess Diana was back in the room. Nina obvi takes it really well.

And OBVI Emily’s reward is uninterrupted Woody time. With a glass of champs. YAY DAY DRINKING!

Sitting on a bench fashioned of old car tyres, it becomes clear that maybe Woody isn’t the biggest fan of young Bitch Face Emily and her negative tude. Especially when she smugly tells him how happy she is to have beaten Nina.

Woody no likey.

Woody confused.

“I’m not sure if it’s really about love or winning with Emily,” he laments.

Dude, she LITERALLY just had to win something so that she could have this conversation with you about winning a race so you could wonder if she was about winning or not. #bachielogic.

As usual, Emily doesn’t seem to give too much of a f*%# and just sips her daytime champs like no big deal.

After the celebration of gender equality is over, back at the Mansion that Spotlight Built, the bitches are casually lounging about the Rotunda waiting for something interesting to happen. Of course talk turns to their communal boyfriend and who is going to get the next single date because that is literally the only chance any of them have of escaping their interior decorated prison for more than 5 minutes.

The logical choice for single date WOULD be this Rachel/Random Blonde Lady who I have legit never seen Woody say two bloody words to but who he has nevertheless continued to gift with roses. I mean, I know they say to keep a bit of mystery about you ladies, but this is pushing it! WHO EVEN ARE YOU?!

Not important enough to get a single date, apparently, because Parmigiana is in fact getting a second run at Mt Woody. You can actually see Rachel’s face fall at the news and for a moment there I felt sorry for her, but then I remembered I was watching The Bachelor where rational and dignified decisions are kind of like Ian Thorpe’s failed line of jewellery; non-existent. (Remember when that nearly happened, guys?)

Woody realizes that there are still some girls in the house (Rachel) who he has yet to take on one single date, however, he just HAD to see Parma again because….. he wants to bone her real bad. He didn’t say those words, but I’m reading between the lines here.

He picks her up in a vintage speedboat, driven by a poor old dude who looks like he’s about 90. It’s good to see Channel 10 are still employing Higgins from last year.

 

 eddie boat

Weeeee! True love!

 

The aforementioned boat is aptly named La Dolce Vita, or as Woody calls is, “La Dulchi Voita. It moines tha saweet loife!” #straya.

Teaming with the Italian theme (because Parmigiana is Italian food, right?) off they trot to Woody’s very own version of Little Italy i.e. a couch and a stall of sponsorship produce in the back garden of some unsuspecting Sydney resident. YAY MULTICULTURALISM!

Cue montage of pizza-making and shots of South Cape products and phallic-looking meats and vegetables. (“Look at all this moit!” – S. Wood, 2015). This is just an unsubtle representation of all the boning they want to do, but because it’s only 7.30pm, they settle for throwing flour at each other instead.

 

la dolce

Forehead sex is back, guys.

 

After Parma’s had time to digest Woody’s pepperoni, HELLO RANDOM WAITER MAN WHO HAS COME OUT OF NOWHERE! Unnamed waiter man drops off a strange, sphere-shaped concoction that Woody says is meant to be the Death Star dessert.

 

 

Sorry, what?

 

 

There are so many things wrong with this moment, I just don’t have enough time to process it.

Woody tells her how totally fine he is with the fact that she has a daughter because he is totally fine with kids and it would be totally fine to date a woman with a kid.

They then spoon-feed each other and say how good the other tastes. #sex. If Parma plays her cards right, she might just walk away with Woody’s love child. Or just pash rash.

 

Meanwhile….

Casually hanging out at the Rotunda, the bitches are once again trying to find interesting things to say that aren’t about Sam, but are failing miserably. Talk soon turns to Parma and how hot she is and that Woody finds her really hot. All of a sudden, and definitely not because she was prompted to by producers, Nina blurts out that Parma and Woody had a sneaky suck-face on the group date! Bitches be like…

 

bachelor-emilyreaction

Our boyfriend did WHAT?!

While Nina slinks away into the background.

whoops gif

Did I say something bad?

Obviously, this is meant to set us up for a super bitchy showdown at the cocktail party between Parmigiana and Emily’s new mortal enemy, Nina. (Who she astutely labelled as being “disingenuine”. Yeah, English!)

Nina takes Parma outside to make her confession and is all like, “I feel super bad about telling you this but I need to get it off my chest that I totally told our communal boyfriend’s other girlfriends that you sucked face with our communal boyfriend on a group date that we were also on and I didn’t mean to tell anyone but now the other girlfriends are outraged and seem super mad but it was an accident and had nothing to do with ratings at all so I’m like, totes sorry.”

Luckily Parma possesses a somewhat normal brain and forgives her. Bitchy Showdown avoided. Quick! Someone get Emily out here to say something mean!

 

Nope, too late. It’s Rose Ceremony time.

Twitter is all abuzz that Emily has delivered her last barb and will be sent packing, but I’m not so sure. Despite her bitchy remarks and the brain damage it obviously inflicted on Woody, he is still hoping to bone her and she is the most interesting thing on this show now; she ain’t goin anywhere, y’all!

Oh no, that Rachel person didn’t get a rose. Everyone looks a bit surprised that the woman they thought was their hairdresser is being sent home. Woody assures her she is an amazing, amazing woman for someone he has never met and she seems happy about that.

Byyyyeeee random Rachel lady.

 

pocahontas bye

xx

P.S   INTRUDER BITCHES ENTER THE BATCAVE NEXT WEEK!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 3: It’s a Ho-Down!

20 Aug

Heel toe, heel toe, promenade and do-si-do your partner!

#straya.

 

Guys, I don’t know about you, but gosh I learnt a whole new set of husband-catching skills tonight. This really is the show that keeps on giving.

 

Husband-Catching Skill #1 – Get excited!

As in, you must be excited about ALL OF THE THINGS ALL OF THE TIME!

We cut straight to the Mansion that Spotlight Built, bypassing all potential water-related work outs or poignant mathematics by Woody. Osher breezes in while the bitches pretend to miss Jacinda and presents Bitch Face Emily with the single date card.

Girlfriend cracks a rare smile then goes back to her peppermint tea like she couldn’t give a f*ck.

 

cinderella gif

 

The other bitches are super outraged and offended that she didn’t jump up and down and whip her panties out the window.

Obviously she is no good. When you compete for a boyfriend on national TV you MUST ensure that you display maximum excitement levels whenever you get to spend time with potential boyfriend.

Hopefully I get to use this skill soon by clapping and squealing joyously the next time a man speaks to me in person. I think I’d be good at it.

 

Husband-Catching Skill #2 – Be good at digging.

Emily’s date card says something about “treasure the time we spend together” or words equally as naff. That Rachel person surmises that maybe it’s a treasure hunt? Lolzz Rach, good one you old joker, you… oh no, wait….yeah…. they are LITERALLY going on a treasure hunt. (Guys, when the bitches start correctly reading between the lines of your date cards, it’s time to hire new writers.)

Woody explains that his relationship with Bitch Face is purely physical which is code for ‘non-existant’ since they do not know each other at all. But he finds her hot and would like to bone her. #sex.

And for that she is rewarded with a treasure hunt that is over in 3 minutes. I mean, the first clue was “hidden” on her paddle board. Nice work, Channel 10 intern.

They reach the final clue on the beach and then Woody makes her dig for his love. They literally dig a funking treasure box out of the funking sand.

Zamels must have their new catalogue out because it’s a lovely non-diamond bracelet that Woody totally bought himself and has nothing to do with sponsorship. Bitch Face looks happy about it.

 

treasure island

I LOVE Zamels!

 

So if you see me around in the next few weeks, my nails will no longer be manicured in case any potential husband requires me to dig some sort of mystery item out of the earth.

And in case you were wondering, this whole date was a snore fest. Even Emily was having trouble staying awake. But she gets a rose. NEXT!

 

Husband-Catching Skill #3 – Drive a Nissan

Yeah, that pretty much says it all.

#sponsorship.

 

Husband-Catching Skill #4 – Grab things with your mouth.

The group date this week is to a farm/deserted outback town somewhere in rural NSW. Because Woody totally organised this whole shebang, he has Osher come and stand next to him and explain all the details to the enraptured bitches while he stands there and thinks about the outdoor dunny he used to have as a kid.

Jasmin’s jaw is already not impressed by her surrounds, but has tried to be a good sport about this whole outdoor/nature thing and worn her best leopard-print scarf.

Firstly, the logical thing to do when on a farm with your communal boyfriend is bob for apples. Actually, make that participate in an apple bobbing competition with 7 other women while your communal boyfriend referees that is good clean fun and has absolutely nothing to do with blow job technique. GO FEMINISM!

The ladies soon discover that boobs present a serious obstacle to getting ones head into the bucket so, just to reaffirm their status as strong, independent women, they start an unofficial wet t-shirt competition.

 

bobbing

This is not sexual at all.

 

Heather is pronounced the most skilled at grabbing things with her mouth; a title she seems v v proud of. Because they’re in the country, her reward is five uninterrupted Woody minutes making lemonade! YEAH! THE COUNTRY!

At this point, my friend, who legit grew up in the country, remarked:

You wanna know how many times I made lemonade? Zero times. If they really wanted an authentic country experience, where’s the date where they pluck and gut a chicken?!

Now THAT I would like to see.

 

Husband-Catching Skill #5 – Catch farm animals and like it.

Because they are in the country, obvi there are going to be animals involved. Jasmin’s jaw makes it very clear that farms and animals and just generally being in nature is not her bag, and so, obviously, the producers decide that she should have to catch a sheep.  She is super dooper not excited about it, so it is pretty obvious already who’ll be getting the boot tonight.

(Her other comment about hating the idea of milking a cow is a clear message that there’ll be no under-the-zipper action at the movies anytime soon, Woody, just FYI.)

Jasmin, you MUST love all farm animals as well as be able to catch them to be a good wife. Don’t you know ANYTHING?!

 

jasmin unimpressed

Can nature.

 

It’s okay; she just manages to herd the damn thing into the paddock and clip off a bit of it’s wool. It’s very final-scene-of-‘Babe’.

 

Husband-Catching Skill #6 – Barn dancing.

I am so pissed I wasted all that money on contemporary and music theatre dance lessons. Turns out barn dancing is where it’s at with the dudes.

Woody takes the bitches to a nearby barn to get jiggy with it a la Jessica Simpson circa 2005.

They do a token do-si-do and heel toe move but then quickly retire to the benches to suck down the beer because they are in the country and that is what you do in the country.

(Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Emily is hitting the champagne and stealing everyone’s shit.)

 

jessica how down

I don’t remember this move from primary school…

Husband-Catching Skill #7 – Break the Girl Code but care about it.

Woody steals Parmigiana away for some alone time and, as usual, the other bitches are annoyed and have clearly forgotten what show they are on. Woody and Parma have a semi-boring conversation until SWEET VALLEY HIGH DID HE JUST TELL HER HE DOESN’T GIVE A RATS ABOUT WHAT SHE HAS TO SAY?!

Yep. That is exactly what he said.

Woody stares at Parmigiana like she is literally a succulent piece of crumbed chicken and he is a newly-evicted Survivor contestant. After she finishes saying something (whatever it was, it was clearly not important) he explains that they have an intense physical “connection” and they don’t need “stupid words”. And he lunges at her.

Poor Bachie. He is just dying to bone this chick. All that talking she does must bring a playa down.

 

snez pash

I care so much about your opinion.

 

Post-Suck-Face, Parma tells us that she felt a bit bad pashing on with Woody on a group date and that she’s clearly broken the Girl Code but maybe she doesn’t really care because she’s on The Bachelor and the whole premise of this show breaks the Girl Code and any other code associated with feminism or women’s rights anyway.

 

 

All this learning of things leads us straight into the Rose Ceremony. I assume the barn dance/beer guzzling session constitutes for the cocktail party this week? Waaahhhh!

Jasmin’s jaw just knows it’s not going to be good news. Her husband-catching skills have been very sub-par this week; she’s feeling quite ashamed of herself. It’s her and Nina for bottom two. Nina seems to be having an out-of-body experience suddenly wondering if that totally natural, World Record-breaking kiss she shared with Bachie while 20 people looked on meant anything.

Turns out it meant enough to Woody to keep her around for another week.

It’s curtains for Super Jaw. She is set free back out into the world to hate on everything else like a regular person.

 

jasmin sad face

Jasmin sad face.

 

Bye bye, Jasmin. Don’t set anything on fire.

 

x

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 3: Ground Hog Dates

14 Aug

It’s GROUND HOG DAAAAAAAY!

 

Guys, things are getting v v serious tonight; Woody is doing some serious exercise/sport things that involve ropes and push ups. He is NOT messing about.

There are only 10 bitches left and he must find at least one to take to the Logies next year. That’s only 5 months away! (Actually, is that true? I don’t watch the Logies.)

 

sam workout

Wife-hunting is serious business.

 

Osher enters the Mess Hall and reminds the ladies that, just like their biological clocks, time is a-ticking. Woody still needs the chance to get to know some of them better, and I bloody hope he means this Rachel person because I think we ALL wanna know her a little better……..WHO IS SHE?!

Ebru speculates why she has yet to be blessed with a single date and eventually reasons that Sam has been too busy dating the other 9 women she lives with to have time for her. That’s gotta be really hard for him.

Near a body of water somewhere, Woody excitedly tells us that this episode’s date is going to be SUPER DIFFERENT AND UNUSUAL. He has aptly named it “Ground Hog Date”. DER-RAMA ALERT!

Basically, Woody is going to take three lucky bitches on the exact same date, with a couple of “Adventure Challenges” thrown in there to see how they deal with it. Yay!

Jasmin/Fire Hazard’s reaction face to Ebru getting the first date is my new everything and I WISH I COULD FIND A SCREENSHOT DID ANYONE ELSE SEE THAT I CANNOT EVEN! But it legit looked something like this….

 

tina eye roll

I’m so happy for you!

 

Anyway, this is a date of tests. Each woman has to pass a series of Adventurous Wife Tests to progress onto the next level. A flat tyre, a jet boat ride and a touchy-feely waitress/actor woman who serves them the menu from the last season of ‘I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here’ (nothing says panty-dropper like some delicious duck chin). In other words – A Three-way Death Match. Bachie is super excited to see who gives him the least amount of grief.

Contestant #1 Ebru slides in to the limo all giggles and fake tan. She is so excited her vocal tone ends up somewhere in the “squeaky recorder” vicinity. The limo gets a flat. She helps to change it. They go jet boating. She has fun. Her boobs stay in her dress. They go to the restaurant. The waitress calls her ‘Elbow’ and she doesn’t try to rip open her jugular. TICK!

Contestant #2 Jacinda also jumps into the limo with more enthusiasm than a WAG on Brownlow night. She also helps change the flat…in a lace-up dress. She has fun, her boobs stay in, etc etc. She’s very normal. TICK!

 

jacinda gross

So much romance.

 

Meanwhile, the other bitches are starting to smell a rat. Two women have now left the house and they are v confused when a fresh-looking Osher appears with ANOTHER single date card. Hold. The. Phone! What is this madness?! (This obviously means no Group Date this week – BOOOO!)

All of a sudden no one is keen on being picked for gender sacrifice. That Rachel girl reads out the last date card which is something about knowing what’s around the corner? She looks confused. She asks whether they think these date cards have second meanings.

Babe.

Welcome to The Bachelor. All the writing staff do around here is come up with date puns and synonyms for “journey”. It definitely has a second meaning.

The poor woman chosen for this extra special three-way test date is Bec. The one Woody allegedly pashed while drunk in Thailand. Or Bali. Somewhere with alcohol.

En route to pick her up, Woody explains how happy he is to be spending time with Contestant #3 and that he wants to push “the fun button”. So…. sex. He wants to sex her. He talks about girls who are adventurous and like adventure like he likes adventure because being adventurous is really important in a partner. Adventure.

Luckily, Bec has twigged that this is some sort of test. And thank GAWD for that because I was legit starting to lose faith in all woman kind. On the plus side though, I realise that Woody has to sit through this God-awful date three times, so sucks to be him.

ANYHOO! Basically all three women behave pretty normally and no one scratches anyone’s eyes out which is obvi disappointing. Although they are a little miffed that this actress/waitress is flirting with their boyfriend which seems pretty bloody redundant considering they are competing on a national TV show where 15 other women flirt and pash said boyfriend, jussayin. #logic.

One by one they all return to the House that Spotlight Built and retell their amazing adventurous adventure to the other bitches. Don’t worry, they piece this very complex puzzle together eventually, but not nearly as quickly as they should have. I mean, how many times do they need to hear, “Omigod it was so amazing but the funniest thing happened!” before the penny drops?

 

buffy

What is happening?

 

Needless to say, this week’s cocktail party is a little less Playboy Mansion and a bit more school counsellor’s office. Woody looks genuinely surprised.

Turns out, all three bitches are super embarrassed about being sent on the same test date with their communal boyfriend to see who he liked better. It is WAY more embarrassing than the game of bubble soccer they had to play in their underwear yesterday. Again, #logic.

 

bubble soccer

Did you forget this happened?

On the other hand, faaaaark Sam is good at cute talking. His conversation with a crying Bec literally went like this:

B: I just feel really stupid.

S: That wasn’t my intention at all. You actually challenge me so much; it’s what I want. Plus you’re really hot.

B: *giggles* We’re in love now.

 

I’m not even making this up.*

You really wouldn’t even know that they’d been deliberately set up to look stupid just so Bachie could swoop on in and be a hero. Gosh, that would NEVER happen on this show!

However, Woody keeps referring to this whole thing as a “misunderstanding”. I think misunderstanding might be another term he doesn’t actually know the meaning of. Like friend-zoning. Someone get this guy a dictionary. Oh no wait, here’s Jacinda… she’ll explain it to you…

Oh no.

Yeah, THIS is what friend-zoning is, babe. Poor bloody Jacinda.

She is obviously pissed off but still manages to assure Woody that she had the most amazing day ever, just in case he was feeling any shred of regret.

And then all of a sudden, it’s over. He picks her up and places her smack bang on the throne of Friendship City. I think this means she’s going home. But then they hug, kiss and hold hands. THIS IS CONFUSING!

At this point I’m just not sure which way is up anymore, but I figure the shot of her getting into a car means it’s all over and Jacinda will have to return to her office as Mayor of Friendzone.

 

somekind1

I really hope some of you get this 80’s Friendzone reference…

 

Osher puts his serious face on and sombrely informs the rest of the harem that Jacinda has been deemed unlovable and will be returning to the real world where feminism still exists. Hence, there is no rose ceremony tonight. Everyone looks sad, but I think it’s more to do with the fact they got dolled up for no good reason.

 

As Jacinda drives away I really really hope that her bloody car doesn’t get a flat tyre, amirite?!

 

Join me next week when Woody FINALLY takes out Bitch Face Emily and we get to count how many times she makes her sour face. Yippee!

 

x

 

 

 

 

*I made it up. But only a little bit!

 

 

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 3: In 200 Words or Less

7 Aug

Guys, have you ever felt really excited about something, thought about it for several days, gotten yourself all dressed up for the occasion and then, like the finale of ‘How I Met Your Mother’, been so superbly let down you wanted to drown yourself in a bucket of Pinot?

Yeah that.

Tonight was meant to be Cool But Not So Cool Girl Heather’s White Non-Sex Rose Date. Bitch had built this epic-ness up so much I was totally ready for supreme hipster dating game.

But… it was kind of a fizzer. The whole episode was really. So due to this and the fact that I am so ridiculously time-poor, here is my wrap-up in 200 words of less, with the help of visual aids:

 

Heather likes to doodle cool, dorky things.

 

art

#art

 

The other bitches like high buns and Tiffany pendants.

 

Personal training sessions in creepy prop museums are now a thing.

 

prop museum

Props are sexy.

 

Woody JUST LOVES ALL THE THINGS!

 

spongebob

Everything is THE BEST!

 

A girl called Rachel is on this show?

rachel

I thought you were Sarah?

 

Heather and Woody dress up in my old dance concert costumes.

 

superheroes

Pretty sure I danced to Janet Jackson in this.

 

Emily is still baffled by the White Rose. (ME TOO, BABE!)

 

Woody has no idea what the Friendzone ACTUALLY is.

 

jelly wrestle

This is definitely not what it is.

 

More pashing.

 

heather kiss

This is also not what it is.

 

Anal Glands literally cannot stop talking about anal glands.

 

dawson

Stahhhhhp!

 

There were hot lifeguards in this episode and no one tried to swim out to sea and escape.

 

Joni is very serious. She doesn’t like water. She is clearly going home.

 

joni

Bachie need water.

 

Pecking one of your 12 bitches on the lips in front of 3 of your other bitches is NOT OK.

 

say what

This is totally unexpected.

 

There’s an ATRIUM in the house?!

 

peck

I think this is it?

 

Jasmin/Fire Hazard has never had a boyfriend before. Life makes sense again.

 

Channel 10 are getting really slack at making it hard to guess who is going home.

 

bye ag

I’ll miss you, Anal Glands.

Please join me next week when things are hopefully heaps more interesting.

I wonder if I can still sneak “anal glands” into these posts?

Challenge accepted.

xx

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 3: Bitches Do Democracy

6 Aug

Parliament is now in session!

 

Before I delve into my educated and impassioned spiel, I do need to share something; I dropped the ball this week. I didn’t organise my calendar very well and so actually missed last night’s episode as I was at work. So I am sitting watching the replay on my computer as we speak. For some cursed reason, there always seems to be a week early on in the season where I become completely incommunicado and unable to fulfil my Bachie duties. I promise to go back to having no life next week and do better.

 

OKAY.

 

It’s morning time. The sun rises. Woody comes to the deck. He’s wearing his best Rebel Sports get-up. Woody is really sporty, guys. He owns a fitness company. He can’t possibly start a day of wining and dining bitches without a smart workout.

He tells us that he is 34 and time is of the essence. He really needs a woman he can fall “head ova hoils” for. True story.

Back at the Lincraft Manor, the bitches are, surprisingly, not hanging about the Mess Hall, but rather, have been moved into the much classier-looking Formal Day Room. There are lots of white couches and candles. It could be Osher’s dressing room; hard to say.

Speaking of that glorious weave, Oshy himself steps in the tell the ladies that he has no date card as he and Sam have realised their true feelings for one another and flown to Zimbabwe to adopt one of Brangelina’s children. Bitches look mad.

Jokes.

In actual fact, Osher is here to tell the women that, this week, THEY get to decide who goes on a date with Woody. Because DEMOCRACY!

Jacinda is all for it; she is legit excited that she gets a say in who goes on a date with a dude no one really knows very well.

Tall Bitch #3 isn’t as enthusiastic. She admits she needs the Bachelor to choose HER, not the other way round. Unfortunately, she has yet to realise that bad #draping skills get you nowhere on this show so this might be her only chance.

Cool Girl Heather is definitely not Cool with it either. Her reaction is very Not-Cool. Her Cool Façade is crumbling.

Some girl called Nina says something about choosing things.

Osher explains that they will vote anonymously. And before he has even finished that sentence, he quickly reminds the bitches that they cannot vote for themselves. They look genuinely disappointed.

Parma heads outside to place her vote in Bachie Survivor. She reasons that it’s all about karma. Parma and karma rhyme. It’s funny. I forget what else she says because I started thinking about chicken.

 

tribal council

#equality

 

Back at Tribal Council, Osher breaks the news that two of the bitches have come in at a tie. The even better news is that those two women are Tall Bitch #3 (whose name is Madeleine FYI) and……my bestie, Craylor Swift aka Sandra! Things are LOOKING UP!

Except the rest of the bitches disagree with me and all re-vote for Tall Bitch #3. The worst. Apparently because she’s quiet. Logic.

YAY! EQUALITY!

(Guys, that Ebru woman pops up again. Is she the make-up artist?)

 

ebru

Do you work here?

 

While Woody waits for his Democracy Date down at some dingy boat shed, we find out that Tall Bitch #3 is from rural Victoria. And, shut the front door, she bakes cupcakes, guys! She has serious #wifeskills. She also said earlier that she needs her man to choose her. Something tells me she was made for this show.

Woody gets her onto a little boat and things get v v Notebook-like when it starts to rain, but with a generous dash of awkward as Madeleine panics that her hair is getting wet. Bitch, you didn’t see Rachel McAdams carry on like a pork chop, did you? To her credit, she does what any self-respecting woman would do in this situation; she sucks down the champagne like a puppy at a teat.

God I love day-drinking.

 

notebook rain 2

How dare you make me nature!

 

But things take a turn for the worse when we, and Woody, realise that Madeleine is super dooper annoying and vain. After complaining about her wet hair (look, I’ll forgive that one. If my hair gets wet I end up resembling a mangy poodle), she then goes on to whinge about her ruined makeup AND turns down a free picnic feed because she doesn’t want to get strawberry seeds in her teeth! For realz, she is the worst dater ever. Bitch needs to put a lid on it.

Woody is not impressed. He puts it down to their age gap. Come on, mate, she’s 26. She should be able to adult by now.

 

madeleine

I am so good at this.

 

Meanwhile, Bec (I think that’s her name – she’s kind of like Chantal from last year? Chantal the Sequel) bounds into the Rotunda with a gold envelope. Holy sheet, its… ANOTHER SINGLE DATE! What is this MADNESS?!

The bitches are saaaaaaaah pissed.

After they get their illogical arguments out of their systems, they do a smart brainstorm session over what the date might be. Considering the card said, “rise and shine”, Joni surmises that maybe they’ll be sleeping over somewhere so that they can wake up together.

Someone needs to catch Joni up with Bachie lingo. There is no sexy-time until Dates with No Time Limits. Although that didn’t really happen last year, did it? (Not looking at anyone, Channel 10!)

And the winner is… Parmigiana!

She seems a little worried as she hasn’t been on a date in ages. Because she has a kid. Which I totally forgot about. Kiev I think her name was?

Anyway, based on her previous experience, the best advice I can give Parma at this point is – use protection? Seems appropriate.

The producers get Woody and Parma up at the butt-crack of dawn to go hot air ballooning. I think they borrowed it off Bron Bishop. She’s such a giver.

Cue much triumphant soaring music and more day drinking. Weee!

 

bronwyn

Please. I have heaps of flying machines.

 

Once back on solid ground, the two continue their day drinking crawl with a trip to a vineyard. Something something grapes, something something beautiful, something something picnic.

 

THEY PASH! WOOO!

Well done, Parmigiana. You get a rose.

 

snezana

Pashing!

 

 

Cocktail Party.

It’s a theme tonight – the Roaring Twenties. Any excuse to wear sparkles and get the boobs out, amirite?

The bitches are like cooped up chickens waiting to peck someone’s eye out after no group date this week. Their formal gowns and glittery headwear do little to mask the desperation.

Woody asks Cool Girl Heather for a moment alone and the rest of the bitches crack the sads. I get the distinct impression they are not on the Cool Girl Train.

Woody admits his White (Sex) Rose plan has kind of back-fired on him, as he’s been waiting for her to “call him”. I mean, you’d think this was real life and he’d given a girl an ounce of power. Poor pet. I like Sam, but I think this show is starting to mess with his understanding of life.

 

heather uncool

I’m still cool, right?

 

In her post-alone-time-interview, Cool Girl admits she’s getting a case of “the girlies” and is once again proving to me that she is not so Cool at all. Very Uncool, Cool Girl.

Busy Businesswoman Sarah also gets a moment with Woody, which is promptly interrupted by Craylor Swift, who is super anxious for Bachie Face Time. She waits behind a corner, like a patient Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction, and springs herself onto her victims.

At first it seems BBS is copping it on the chin and is about to Exit Stage Left gracefully, but hold the phone, no, she’s going to stick it out on the Couch of Awkward between her potential Logies date and his other girlfriend. Awkward levels reach critical. Craylor doesn’t seem too phased. She is heaven on a biscuit.

 

sandra interrupts

Stay calm…look normal…

 

Rose Ceremony!

Lucky for them, Parmigiana’s boobs already have a rose, so they are safe. (And out!)

Tall Bitch #3 didn’t get a rose on her individual date because her hair got messy, so she is a little bit worried.

Craylor is stressing that maybe Woody doesn’t like girls he is dating to interrupt his conversations with other girls he is dating.

Emily is worried her dress doesn’t have enough cut-outs.

Anal Glands….says something about anal glands.

……………………………….

 

Poor Tall Bitch#3. It seems her messy hair, #draping skills and refusal to eat strawberries have sealed her fate. Woody takes her outside to say a proper goodbye and hopefully school her a little bit on how to adult.

 

At least she’s still got her cupcakes and Victorian values, I guess.

 

Join me tomorrow, when Cool But Not-Cool Girl finally executes her super cool date and says lots of things like “rad” and “dude”.

 

xx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 3: Nobody Puts Bitches in a Corner

30 Jul

I’ve…had…the time of my life.

No I never felt this way before…

About a guy I met yesterday.

 

baby lift

This definitely did not happen.

 

Oh the fun just hasn’t stopped in the House that Spotlight Built!

Since yesterday, there has been more sunrises, much seagulls and many water.

Bitches are sitting around the mess hall in their casual Seed daywear. (Hot tip: beige is back, apparently.) Osher and his extra 10 kilos stride in after a gruelling morning of muffins and coffee.

Hold everything!

He’s got a date card, girls. I mean, WHAT are the chances?! All the bitches try and look casual and devil-may-care and they all suck at it.

Dr Anal Glands is worried about not getting private time with Woody because she’s still, “got a lot more to offer than just anal gland chat.” Mm, don’t bet on it, babe.

Jasmin i.e. Fire Hazard, thinks it is v v unfair that one girl gets to spend time with their communal boyfriend. I don’t know where she’s getting this logic from, but I’m worried those fumes from her burning tutu got to her head.

Busy Businesswoman Sarah gets date #1, suckers!

And… SURPRISE! It’s on a boat! Now that’s revolutionary!

Woody is super excited to take Sarah out on the “wawtaaa” and spend time keeling and leaning and other nautical things.

They get cosy with a smart bottle of Yellow and a randomly placed beanbag and BBS begins to recall her infamous “dream” to Sam about how she went on The Bachelor.

You know, I had a dream too…that this date was way more interesting. Snore…

She returns from Dream But Real Date to many many questions from the gang who have been sitting around staring at each other and wondering whether they should’ve just stuck to Tinder. They have ALL the questions:

“Did you see his body?”

“Did you hold his anal gland, I mean, HAND?!” **

 

boat grab

Quick! Hold onto something sturdy…

 

GROUP DATE!

This is the sole reason Episode 2 is always better than Episode 1. Group dates.

Bachie takes 10 of his 19 bitches to a photo shoot in another random mansion somewhere. A lady not competing for a man’s attention is there. I wonder who she is? She looks very out of place. Oh right, she’s the editor of New Idea. Or Woman’s Day… something. She explains all of the bitches are going to do a photo shoot with Woody based on famous movies and the pictures will be published in her magazine.

Errybody loves a bit of cross promotion, amirite?

Sandra is told she will be partaking in a remake of ‘Dirty Dancing’ and the way she completely overreacts makes me wonder if she was kept down a grade or two in primary school.

Unfortunately for Normal Resheal, she is also going to be involved in this shoot. The producers are being A-grade dicks to her to get her to unleash some crazy. Come on guys, at least she showed up in her zany butterfly headband she got from Diva DFO! (No but seriously, never wear that again…)

Parmigiana and Tall Bitch #3 are Bond girls. Tall Bitch #3 looks like a baby giraffe on a tiled floor. She cannot comfortably pose to save her life. The photographer tries to make her feel better by asking her to “drape” over the hood of a car. She doesn’t know what drape means. Girl’s #drapegame needs work.

 

madeleine

Can’t #drape

 

Cool Girl Heather is put in the ‘Great Gatsby’ group. The other two bitches are mad because Cool Girl stands next to Woody, how very dare she, and gets to #drape over his shoulder which is totally unfair because they should be sharing him and his shoulder. Cool Girl makes more dorky jokes.

Back on the dirty dancefloor, Fire Hazard is dressed as Baby, while Sandra, Resheal and Sexy Lumberjack dance around Woody like it’s Friday night at Revolver. Jasmin/Fire Hazard looks pissed because she can’t slut drop but instead has to hold a stupid watermelon. Nobody puts Jasmin in a corner! If you did, she’d probably burn her dress on a candle.

 

dancing

This definitely did happen.

 

Skinny Emily has been gifted with possibly the most thinly-veiled case of favouritism. She gets to hang with Woody in nothing but her underwear and a shirt. Because ‘Ghost’.

Look guys, I don’t usually buy into all this, but HOTDAMN that is some sexy clay! The other bitches look like they want to punch her in the anal gland.

After the photo shoot, the bitches all take a cold shower and get ready for the cocktail party.

Someone figures out that there is serious tension and anxiety over the fact that 19 women are trying to marry the same guy. Cool Girl Heather gets another chance to be cool and dorky. She is basically Emma Stone in ‘Crazy Stupid Love’ but it’s actually starting to irk me. Sorry ladies…

 

emma stone

What she said.

 

Skinny Emily has it in for Heather. She is just Not. A. Fan.

She watches Woody and Cool Girl discuss Mario Kart on the lawn and declares that, “if he’s into Heather, I’m definitely not his type. I like day spas and fancy dinners out.”

Guys, I’m starting to think Emily might be more high maintenance than Osher’s hair.

Jacinda realizes she is on a reality TV dating show and crumbles to pieces; Woody is directed to go into the lounge room  finds Jacinda in tears. He coaches her back out into the bear pit like any good P.E. teacher and a hesitant 8 year-old.

Rose Ceremony!

Osher drops the bombshell that three bitches will be sent packing tonight. THREE! Gawd, this is turning into a bloodbath!

Jacinda worries she has ruined her chances by crying. I mean, the nerve of her to show emotion; this could mean trouble. Luckily, Woody is okay with tears and she gets the first rose. What a sweetheart!

Someone called Ebru gets a rose?!

Cool Girl gets a rose… obviously.

 

cool heather

I got this.

Everyone else gets a rose until there are four left: Tessa, Normal Resheal, Tall Bitch #3 and…..another girl. They all try and stay calm.

………………….

Tall Bitch #3 gets the last rose. Seems Woody is okay with sub-par draping skills.

I feel bad for Normal Resheal. She was just too normal in the end.

Tessa is disappointed too. She explains that she has many more layers to her that Woody never got to see. Mostly made of flannel.

Sexy Lumberjack out.

See you next week, friends.

x

** Please welcome my new writing partner. He will remain unnamed, but he is very funny and will have snide input into this blog from time to time. The hand joke was his.

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The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: Everybody Loves Bachie…except Lisa

2 Oct

ZOMG guys, it’s Finale week! I can barely keep a lid on it. And neither can Blake Vader who is throwing “journey” ALL over the place! Srzly, I counted nine times this episode. And I vagued out at one stage. So lets round that up to nineteen. Nineteen totally non-scripted mentions of a beautiful/amazing/awesome/ridiculous/intense journey. Journey.

WATER JOURNEY AFRICA! Many montages of water and mentions of journeys. Wait, are we IN Africa now? Or Sydney? I’m confused. Many wildlife, much water.

No, no, we’re still in Sydney. Well, Vader couldn’t POSSIBLY leave without first stopping in at Bunda to casually pick up some bling for one of his three girlfriends. After mentioning to the manager that he would actually prefer to design the engagement ring (!!!) himself, Richard Mercer then takes a poignant stroll down the main street, thinking about journeys and water.

Meanwhile, while the real residents of the mansion that Spotlight built are moving back in and busy tearing down the hideous plastic hydrangeas and smashing all pineapple-shaped furniture, the remaining three bitches are at the airport.

WE ARE BEST FRIENDS GOING AN AN INCREDIBLE JOURNEY TOGETHER! LET’S HAVE A CHAMPS TO CELEBRATE OUR COMMUNAL BOYFRIEND!

Sam, Lisa and Louise are just having the best time ever at the passengers lounge and quietly congratulate each other on being chosen to maybe get proposed to in another country.

Cut to arriving in said foreign country (South Africa if you haven’t caught the bombardment of ads for it this week – wait, are we in South Africa because Vader is black?)

Bachie has had a smart change of clothes and is now poignantly looking about his hotel window thinking about being poignant and journeys. He’s having a real hard time remembering his lines with all this amazing view.

*TANGENT ALERT* Allow me, if you will, to quickly remind you of something. Something I would deem significant. The final three bachelorettes usually signify the time for the Dates with No Time Limits episode. Dates with sex, as we prefer to call them. Because most tall, sort of black, deep talking bachelors have at least a one in three chance of finding a girl willing to bone him. BUT THAT IS NOT WHAT IS HAPPENING. There is no mention of time limits or boning or love cabins and I am. so. not. ok. with. this.

This is bullshit, Channel 10. I am submitting a formal complaint. Replacing dates with potential sex for dates with potential tourism attractions is a travesty of justice! NO.

End Tangent*

So everything is slightly more boring now because there is no sex but lets go through the last three dates that Blake totally organised with his own pocket money and travel expertise.

Sam

Vader explains that Sam has “a wild side”. Obvi because she is from Frankston.

So lucky Sam gets to go shark diving.

They board a boat and watch a shark brutally kill a cute seal and then a bird. Because romance. Vader looks kind of terrified and it’s kind of funny.

 

Jaws

Can’t you feel the romance?

To allay their fears, Bachie and Sam are given black wetsuits that look pretty much exactly like seal costumes. Good thinking. They dive down in a steel cage and watch sharks swim by and it’s not interesting because there is no sex.

Journey.

Later, because she survived the shark tank, Sam gets to go on a SUPER YACHT. Not a regular yacht, a SUPER YACHT. Because water. They lie on the deck and Sam decides to tell Richard Mercer about her feelings. She says it’s really important he knows exactly what she is before he makes a decision. “What” she is? Omigod, is she about to tell him she actually has man parts as well? Because, just quietly, I don’t think that would be a problem.

No, she just tells him she loves him. But because Sam is totes goofy and funny, it takes her 15 minutes to do it. Bachie doesn’t even try and hide his impatient face. He doesn’t like it when bitches laugh or don’t bake cakes or don’t tell him they love him immediately.

Journey.

Louise

Sometimes-wears-lipstick-Louise has brought out the big guns tonight.

She’s brought her Zamel’s earrings/necklace set. Shit is getting real.

Vader explains that last time, he got a spray tan and a pedicure and showed up in the Hunter Valley took Louise to a winery so it’s really important to him that he try and top that effort.

With another f*#$ing winery.

Except this one is in a foreign country. I guess that makes a big difference.

Anyhoo, they ooh and aah and carry on over the amazing view for several minutes. Louise declares she’s never seen such a great view. Umm…not that there’s anything wrong with the lovely view, but…Lou, sweetie? DON’T YOU LIVE IN A SNOW MANSION IN THREDBO?!!

Call me crazy, but I’m starting to get the feeling this bitch is a little too upper class.

They sit down to a meal of fancy ocean trout and expensive moscato, and Louise explains that she definitely feels real romance between her and Blake.

Babe, eating a fancy lunch on national television with the guy you’re sharing with three other bitches isn’t romance. Sitting on your couch in your ugg boots, hoovering a packet of Rice Wheels while your partner plays Clash of Clans is REAL romance.*

Before anyone gets too drunk, a lovely African choir has arrived to sing to them. It is at this point that I wish I spoke Afrikaan, because I can only imagine what the English translation was…

White Girl We are Judging You?

Once she’s dried her tears, Louise is taken to another bloody view. The Presidential Suite.

Oooh…suite, you say? Isn’t that fance-talk for bedroom? Could sexy time be on the cards?

No, no no. They just sit in the pool and do some really really close talking. Snore.

Yes, she tells him she loves him. In Afrikaan. He rewards her with more close talking and a smart underwater boob grab.

Journey.

 

view

#view

Lisa

From what Richard Mercer can remember, Lisa passed the ovary test at the kindergarten date, BUT, one can never be too sure when trying to choose an appropriate baby maker.

They show up at a prep school with basically THE most adorable children on the face of the earth because it is totally OK to exploit little kids living in poverty for the sake of a reality show. Angelina would be SPITTING!

 

angelina-jolie

Not on my watch, bitches

It’s very cute and normal (because Lisa) and everyone at home calls work and quits their jobs so that they can go and teach in Cape Town. I know I did.

To meet the ostentatious modes of transport quota for the week, Lisa and Bachie then take a helicopter over the mountains of South Africa (“Look at the VIEW!”) and end up at another beachside/cliffside/presidential suite type place with a view.

This is where Lisa wins at everything because she is Lisa.

Vader is probing her to tell him she loves him; after all, his other two beards did.

She explains to camera that she has “deep feelings” (lol, “deep”) for Blake but that she is finding it hard to express, considering he is pashing two other chicks.

Right when I think her closest-thing-to-feminism-moment speech was all for nothing, and she is just going to offer herself up to Mt Blake, she does a 180 and backs the f*%# down! It is Bachie who tells her he is falling for her and she is just like, “Yeah cool. I’ll say it when you say it. Which is not now, so suffer in yer jocks.”

Gawd I love her.

Rose Ceremony

According to the soundtrack, we are now in Gotham City, as the three women put on their Zamel’s best and look poignantly in the mirror. Journey.

OSHER IS HERE! Someone saw fit to fly his weave all the way to South Africa so that he could do his 30 second bit and introduce Blake to the three bitches who already know him pretty effing well.

See Osh? This is your reward for not eating carbs or dairy  for the last 2 months. Well done, babe.

Sam gets the first rose. I bloody knew it.

The Batman soundtrack is, at this stage, so loud that my eardrums are slightly perforated.

It’s Lisa. Lisa gets the rose and sometimes-wears-lipstick Louise is the loser. I gotta say, it’s kind of awful. I mean, the girl took the time to learn Afrikaan so that she could tell Vader she loved him! Obviously, Bachie only likes girls who speak English.

Louise is dumped into a limo and taken…where? Back to the airport? I hope not, because she is not dressed in the appropriate attire for a long-haul flight. Especially now that she is the loser and will have to take economy class on Loser Airlines.

Social media erupts with farewells to our fav sometimes-lipstick-wearing bachelorette and half of the eliminated bitches declare her the most beautiful Stepford Wife ever.

Do they know what Stepford Wife means?

Doubtful.

 

inygo

 

THE LAST EPISODE IS UPON US AND I STILL DON’T HAVE A NEW HOBBY! HELP ME I’M DYING WITH EXCITEMENT BUT ALSO GRIEF!

Catch you tomorrow my loves with the final instalment for this year. *Tear*

Who is your money on? Frankston chick Sam? Or Rich but Normal Lisa?

 

 

 

*This may/may not have been exactly what I was doing tonight

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: The Fairytale is Ovaaah

18 Sep

Once upon a time, there lived six crazy bitches. They lived in a waterfront home on Sydney Harbor where they spent their days casually laying about in a giant rotunda, idly debating which Spice Girl was the best one. One day, their Fairy Godbrother, Osher, appeared out of nowhere to weave his magic wand and offer them the one thing they had always wanted; a television contract a fairytale date with their communal boyfriend, Blake. And so began a beautiful love story…

 

No, but seriously, someone did manage to drag Osher away from his Nutri Bullet for 5 minutes to get him to set. Evidently he’s also had a few highlights put into that glorious crown for good measure. Because he’s only fulfilling the bare minimum of contractual hours these days, it leaves him just enough time to give the girls a quick Maths revision before he returns to his organic, clean-eating lair: Six minus five is one. This means one whole person is left over. Meaning one whole person will leave the mansion rose-less. Once again, they are shocked.

Sam must have scored the highest in Maths this week because she gets the aforementioned individual date.

Osher did mention something about a very special guest and just when I was rolling my eyes thinking, who else would it be but Blake Vader himself, but, holy crap you guys, STOP EVERYTHING! IT IS A LITTLE GIRL IN A FAIRY COSTUME WITH A WAND. Evidently, someone thought it would be genius to dress an under-aged child in a Fairy Godmother costume and have her partake in the sexist farce that is a bunch of adult women baking cakes and riding mechanical bulls to get a gay guy to wife them.

Nailed it.

Although, I gotta say, young Tinkerbell is throwing a hell of a lot of sass out there and she is actually way better at reading her cue cards than Richard Mercer. She instructs Sam to open a large gift from her ‘Prince Charming’ and we all know it’s a dress because there is no way Vader would let his beards out in public in ripped jeans and a beanie. Sam oohs and aahs over it a few times and Tinkerbell cannot help but judge her before sashaying off to wherever it is she came from.

 

fairy

Bitch, please.

 

Vader explains that, “Sam has really rubbed my ego of late, so I wanted to reward her with another date.” Sounds just like something Prince Charming would say. So much fairytale.

With Disney’s greatest hits playing in the background, Sam is taken to a jeweler to borrow some stuff. See, this isn’t one of those two-become-one dates, like the Curly Haired Death Match we witnessed earlier this season. You only get to keep the jewellery in those ones. Lucky for Sam, really, because the shit Vader is picking out for her is bloody hideous, jussayin.

All this borrowing of weird swan jewellery is leaving Sam v v overwhelmed and she gets totes emoshi right there in the store. Fortunately, bitches crying over shit that has nothing to do with him is exactly what gives Vader his jollies. He is super impressed by her feelings and, thus, she progresses through to the next round of the date.

 

*SIDE NOTE* Did anyone else notice that the ad breaks are now featuring commercials for smelly vagina wash? Coincidence…?….

 

Back in the Casual Outdoor Rotunda, the remaining bitches are delivered the group date card by Curly Haired Girl #2, Zoe, who is attempting to fill Chantal/David Attenborough’s shoes as resident commentator and explainer of all things, but is obviously failing miserably because there can only be one David.

The date card is basically something something about exotic. Jess/Elsa thinks it could be teppenyaki. Bless her.

We momentarily leave the remaining bitches sitting around still looking puzzled about the word ‘exotic’ and head back to FairytaleLand to see what other super romantic things Vader hasn’t planned for Sam and if she’s still crying over them.

They’re now at The Tea Room. I’ve been there. It is super fancy. Andre Rieu’s piano playing cousin has been brought in for mood music. Let’s call him Pepe. While Pepe smashes out some tunes, Richard Mercer attempts to take Sam for a spin on the dance floor, only to be thwarted by her boob mints. Because she’s really dorky, remember guys? I mean, WHO WOULD BE SO ZANY AS TO PUT MINTS IN THEIR BRA OMIGOD SHE IS TOO MUCH WE ARE LAUGHING SO HARD!

Because Sam is so zany and dorky and puts mints in her bra, Vader gifts her with a box made of chocolate. Obviously Adriano Zumbo made it. But she completely ignores it and is much more taken by the really ugly necklace inside. Not eating the chocolate gift box is a f*#&ing travesty of justice.

“Luckily for you, there was enough left over money in the budget this week, so you get to keep this. Oh, by the way, here’s a rose.”

 

GROUP DATE

 

I used to kind of like Jess/Elsa. Her wide-eyed wonderment and loving of basically everything ever was almost endearing. But after this episode, she has officially pushed me into a diabetic coma and I cannot deal.

“Whenever I see Blake, it’s like…a sunrise. It gives me hope.”

No.

Just no.

I want to stab my eardrums with my pen.

 

Teaming with the theme of both fairytales and exotic, the bitches find themselves in Aladdin’s cave. And because Blake, “loves adventure,” the team at Channel 10 have logically decided to pitch the girls against a bunch of half-naked belly-dancers. Seems legit.

Not to be outdone, the bitches are up on their feet, shaking what their white mama’s gave them. Laurina is right into it, dancing like any good girl at Orange Whip on a Friday night.

Louise and Jess catch Vader’s attention and get some alone time. Louise is her perky, lipstick-wearing self. They talk about baking.

Jess/Elsa reveals her other way of communicating with Blake apart from sexy forehead touching: sexy finger touching. They sit there and sexy finger touch and stare at each other long enough for me to do this:

 

 dawson

 Staaaaaahp!

Even Richard Mercer is getting savvy on her crazy-eyed-slack-jawed-slow-blinking wonderment these days. He awkwardly extracts himself from the finger touching before she gets pregnant and finds Laurina.

And that is when all of the shit hits all of the fans.

In what appears to be an unguarded moment about feelings and intimacy, Blake does something so horribly offensive and not OK to poor Laurina it’s almost amusing;

He. Touches. His. Eye.

Yep, you heard right. The man has the audacity to scratch his itchy eye while Laurina is mid-sentence. All over the internet, headlines read: Finger of Destiny; Man Touches Eye!

Guys, this is almost as serious as the #DirtyStreetPie incident.

Laurina is not having a bar of it. Not one bar. She abruptly ends the conversation and stares him down. It’s bloody brill.

COCKTAIL PARTY

In an effort to undo the damage of the Touching Eye Incident, Vader is quick to find Laurina again and allow her to apologize for not liking him touch his eye and give him graphic details about their wedding day and all the beautiful children they’re going to have. But in a moment that I’m sure is totally NOT in retaliation of the Touching Eye Incident at all, Laurina stops him mid-sentence….to get a mint from her bag.

Gosh, she’s just heaven sometimes.

      kanye

I’mma let you finish…

Vader asks her whether she thinks about their future together, and she launches into this a-ma-zing speech about her super amazing life in Melbourne and how they would live in Melbourne and go to amazing Melbourne cafes and botanical gardens and have Melbourne babies. Because Melbourne.

Vader is stunted. He is actually completely lost for words that she has not simply offered up her child-bearing body at the bottom of Mt Blake for him to speed away to Perth in one of his many sea planes slash helicopters. It’s bad. But also really, really awesome. Laurina has just tore him a new one.

“I feel like things are usually on your terms,” he finally realizes.

And for that, she gets sent home.

And this is where I would like to do this…

Laurina, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being mean to you. I’m sorry I judged your street pie and your side boob. You might actually be my hero. While the other bitches were busy feeling sorry for Blake having to date all of them at once, you were flying the flag for No Shits Given Incorporated and I didn’t stop to appreciate it. You are the new Kanye West and I am not worthy.

Vale, my friend.

jess blake 2

I would never stand in your way of eye touching. #sunrise #hope

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